What Is Selfgentleness? Why You Need It

In this video, I share what self- gentleness really is and why so many of us struggle to stay gentle with ourselves, even after years of inner work. I talk about growing up as the strong one who learned to put everyone else's needs first, and how that pattern quietly follows us into adulthood.

You'll learn about tuning in, the core practice of self-gentleness, and how a few moments of honest self-checking each day can gradually shift your relationship with yourself. This is not about fixing yourself or performing wellness. It's about coming back to yourself, again and again, with a little more kindness each time.

This video is an excerpt from Femke's Selfgentleness Hour, a live session on Insight Timer every second Friday of the month at 3 pm EDT.

Transcript

This,

What I do here,

Teaching self-gentleness,

That is what I really truly love most.

And that is because self-gentleness is what I discovered for myself to make life feel easier and actually to start loving myself a little bit more.

And I know when you hear self-gentleness for the very first time,

You might think,

What is that exactly?

So I have a definition and that is this,

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

And when you hear that,

You might have a cognitive idea of what that entails exactly.

But what I like to speak about with you today is what it is concretely,

What it is practically,

Why we need it and how we can do that.

But let me tell you this in short,

That I grew up as a child,

Parentified child with way too many responsibilities.

And this really defined me.

It defined me or I started to define myself as the strong one,

The one who would hold the world upon her shoulders.

If someone was in distress or is in distress,

Femke is there to save the world.

And that's a good thing.

Actually,

It's one of my superpowers.

One of my superpowers is to be an optimist,

To be strong,

To be able to be there for other people.

However,

It sometimes came at my own expense where I wasn't listening to what my body was telling me when I was tired,

What my mind was telling me when I was worrying too much or even stepping in the place,

Stepping in the shoes of the people that I wanted to help,

Not just by helping them,

But trying to solve all their problems.

Well,

Over time,

And especially when I became more self-dental,

I also started to see that sometimes the best support you can give people is to let them know that you love them,

To let them know that you trust their judgment,

That you trust their path and their way,

And that your love and support can be just that and that you don't have to solve all the problems for everyone.

But that is something that I really had to learn over the course of my life,

And especially because I wasn't using those coping strategies for nothing.

I had to solve things for myself,

And that is something that I've been working on,

And I'm using the word working,

A lot during my life.

I went to therapy,

I worked on myself,

I read lots of self-help books and applied that.

And a big change came for me when I started to meditate,

Because by meditation I discovered that I could really stay close to myself,

And I could become aware of what was actually going on within me,

What kind of thoughts I was having,

What those thoughts could do to me,

To my peace of mind,

To my stress levels,

To actually a lot of things that were going on within me.

I discovered I had a very strict perfectionist inner critic,

And all these awarenesses of what was going on within me really started to shift when I started to apply self-gentleness.

And that is not something that I invented just as once.

Everything I teach in self-gentleness,

It's based on my lived experience,

My experimenting with many practices,

Things that I learned by becoming a meditation teacher,

I'm a certified meditation teacher,

Where I can teach several meditation techniques and find also the benefits and the power of those different techniques,

How to apply these.

And this all culminated in teaching self-gentleness.

So let's get to the topic of today,

Why do we need self-gentleness?

I just told you a little bit about what it is,

Right?

And I want to refine that a little bit more even.

So I just mentioned that self-gentleness helped me to love myself a little bit more.

And it would be easy to conflate the notion of self-gentleness with self-love,

But I don't use that word so much in my teachings because the word self-love,

You might recognize that,

Has a lot of connotations and it might feel as something that is really,

Really hard to achieve.

Well,

When someone asks us,

Do you love yourself?

You know,

You might say yes,

But within you might actually wish that you really,

Really did because when you listen to your inner critic or when you see how you behave sometimes when someone is critical of you or you cannot live up to expectations,

Whether those are from other people or from your own,

That inner critic can get there.

So then loving yourself might feel really,

Really far off.

So what I like to say is that self-gentleness is for me a key to that self-love.

So in a sense,

It is changing the perspective of how you look at yourself within the world,

How you look at yourself,

How you relate to other people,

How you relate to things that are happening in the world,

Which is also not so easy to stay gentle to yourself if a lot is going on and a lot is going on in the world.

And I don't mean just the world at large,

But also in our own little bubbles or our own families or our own communities.

Becoming self-gentle means having your own back,

Running into difficult situations,

Maybe responding to it,

That feeling guilty,

Feeling angry,

Feeling sad,

Feeling not worthy,

But then recognizing that and then having your own back,

Applying those practices that will help you to feel better,

Maybe even just a little bit better than that you were feeling before.

The goal is never to put a big smiley face on everything and pretend nothing is there.

No,

It's more about recognizing where you are,

How you are right now and being okay with that,

To let go of the notion that you have to work on yourself,

To let go of the notion that you have to fix yourself,

To let go of the notion that you are not good enough because you are.

You are exactly right as you are right now,

Right here,

Warts and all,

Failures and all,

Mishaps and all,

Whatever everyone or anyone can think about you,

You are worthy and you are lovable.

And I know that is true because this goes for everyone.

We just tend to forget that from time to time.

And if you've been applying self-gentleness or other practices and you notice that a bigger part of your life is already filled with that self-kindness,

That self-gentleness,

That self-compassion,

Then well done,

You are well on your way.

But then when something happens,

You might think,

Wow,

I know so much,

I learned so much,

I worked so hard on myself and now I am here and everything feels like it's gone.

Don't worry,

It's all part of the process.

And exactly in that moment,

It is where self-gentleness is so very important.

It is in that moment that you recognize that you are not and that you then turn back to yourself and you support yourself in whatever you need,

Whether it's comforting,

Soothing,

Reassuring,

Holding,

Hugging,

Enjoying,

Supporting,

Cheering on,

Whatever it is you need in that moment,

That is what you will return to.

And sometimes that's really easy because you've trained yourself,

You have been applying self-gentleness more often and sometimes even if you have been doing that,

It's hard because yes,

There are topics that we tend to trip over again and again and that's also okay.

Like I said,

When I look at my childhood and the coping mechanisms that I used,

Yes,

I think I did well,

I think I really developed qualities that are helpful to me in life,

But at the same time,

I have to be aware of those qualities because they can also work against me and there is where that self-gentleness comes in.

So,

That is why we need self-gentleness on the individual level,

On the level for you and me,

How it is for you,

How it is for me.

But I also see it larger.

So,

As a scientist at the university,

I work as a political psychologist where I teach my students about human beings within political phenomena,

Within political situations or societal situations and I teach them what kind of psychological mechanisms we are all suffering from in the worst case or we are all experiencing,

Like biases that we might have,

Like the conditioning that we have from large trauma,

From small trauma,

From experiences,

The beliefs that we hold about ourselves,

Our capabilities,

About the world,

About human nature,

All these things together shape how we are in this world.

And one of the things that I also teach them,

Even when it's an academic study of course,

Is that we do not use only all these understandings to bring an awareness of the people that we study,

But also to bring an awareness of who we are.

Because when you understand that certain mechanisms within you pop up,

Whether it's your own personal conditioning due to your childhood or experiences or your beliefs,

Or they pop up because something external happens and you have a response to that,

The awareness of that that is happening always offers a choice,

A choice how you want to respond and you are here on Insight Timer so you know about meditation,

You have experienced probably the impact that meditation can have on your life and you've probably noticed that the more regular meditation practice you are following,

That something happens within you,

That you start to recognize thoughts as moments that are existing there and that you do not necessarily have to engage with them.

You will notice then also outside of meditation that again when you meet those thoughts that you sometimes can just let them be,

You don't have to push them away,

But you also don't have to engage with them.

And the beauty of what happens with that is that you become gentler to yourself and you become less reactive when something happens,

When someone is unkind to you,

When someone cuts you off in traffic,

You start to respond rather than to react.

So at large when you become more gentle to yourself it means that you are aware of who you are and that you are worthy to be loved and as a spillover effect you will also become more gentle to the people around you.

You will have lower expectations or maybe no expectations anymore of the people around you.

You will recognize it when there are people around you that are making you feel so bad that you will not engage with them anymore.

You will even detach yourself from them.

And of course I'm just mentioning a few things,

It's highly individual,

It's really about you and what you want to do about it.

But why we need more self-gentleness is first of all for you and you and you and you and me because I want us all to really intensely feel in every moment that we can be gentle with ourselves even when we make mistakes,

Even when we do things wrong,

Even when we disappoint people,

Even if we don't live up to those expectations because life is so much better and happier and safer and easier when we apply that to ourselves.

And then you don't even have to think about it,

You will notice that you change the way you relate to other people.

You will be gentler towards them.

And with some people you will take more distance,

And other people you will come closer to,

But this is an important impact.

And I believe as an individual that the more self-gentle people become,

The more gentler they will be with other people and really,

Really,

The more people that become self-gentle,

The better the world,

The kinder the world,

The gentler the world will be.

It's very easy when a lot of bad things are happening to respond with anger and pushing back.

And I know,

I feel this too.

However,

With pushing back,

You will get more pushing back.

So you will have to find a way to relate differently to that.

So you can find your own voice of optimism,

Your voice of hope,

Your voice of connection,

Your voice of love.

And I might sound like a Pollyanna,

I might sound like a naive person,

But I do believe that the more people are spreading that,

Radiating that,

On a small level,

In your environment,

In your family,

In your community,

At school,

At work,

That you do bring change.

And you don't have to change the whole world,

Because that's impossible.

But you can change,

Let's say,

For instance,

That when you walk in the street,

You smile to someone.

You know how much difference that can make to that one person,

Who will then make a difference in their way to someone else.

And we have to keep believing in these things.

We have to keep believing in that there is a kinder and more gentle way.

I believe in that,

And I hope you with me.

And it doesn't mean that you have to not look at reality,

Or ignore things that are going on.

But this is all about self-empowerment,

Empowering yourself to feel good.

Because when you feel good,

You're way more powerful.

You have way more impact in a positive way on other people.

So that is why we need self-gentleness,

Not just for us,

But for the world.

All right.

So how?

How?

Yes,

Of course.

Well,

How?

I will tell you today.

We will go over the basics of self-gentleness.

And I know if you've been here more often,

You know it.

But it's good as a reminder.

It's good to do it again.

Because these are practices that,

Ideally,

You would do every day for yourself.

All right.

So,

The how.

The core practice of self-gentleness is tuning in.

And what is tuning in?

Tuning in is actually taking a moment to come back to yourself,

And to just notice what is going on within you.

Why is this important?

Because in all the things that I mentioned about my own life,

And that I know from everyone I've been working with,

I have a group of people that I do deeper work with on self-gentleness,

And what I know from everyone,

That sometimes we just forget to listen to what it is that we need,

What it is that we don't want,

That we do want,

What we desire,

What is going on.

And I don't.

.

.

When you hear the word desire,

You might think of really big things.

Yeah,

That might be true.

But it very often starts with the very small things,

Like feeling that your feet are hurting,

And you need to sit.

Feeling that you're thirsty,

And you need a glass of water,

Or a cup of tea.

Feeling that something is bugging you,

And just taking a moment to really let that emotion be there,

And have your own back.

By tuning in on a regular basis,

Preferably every day,

Or maybe a few times a day,

For just,

You know,

A few seconds is enough,

A minute or so,

It's enough.

Maybe when you're in the restroom,

You can do this.

Just take one minute extra when you're in the restroom to tune in.

It's just making a moment to check in.

And the best is just to sit quietly.

We will do it in a bit,

Right?

I'm just explaining now.

I will guide you to do it in a bit.

And you will start in about five minutes or so.

Is to tune in and really ask yourself,

How are you?

How many of you ask yourself,

Sometimes,

During the day,

Hey,

Hey honey,

Darling,

How are you?

And then listen to the answer.

How am I?

And that answer,

You cannot think that with your head,

That answer comes from within.

And that answer is really honest.

And sometimes it's saying,

Well,

I'm good.

I'm enjoying the snow around me.

I'm enjoying the sun.

I'm enjoying the wind on my cheeks.

I just had a cup of coffee and I really loved it.

But it can also be that you feel,

Well,

I'm really tired and I'm so not looking forward to this long,

Long day where I have to do groceries and cook dinner and meet my friends later on.

I love my friends.

I love to see them,

But I'm tired.

That can be.

Or maybe you tune in and you hear,

I don't feel like cooking.

I just want to order pizza today.

I know there are millions of possibilities that you might hear.

And every moment you tune in,

It might be something else.

But here comes the beauty of this.

When you do this on a regular basis,

You train yourself to make it easier.

And at a certain point,

You do not even need to make that moment to tune in and to check what's going on.

But you will notice before you even ask.

You will have made that connection with yourself where the messages of what it is that you need are just coming through in your awareness because you have primed yourself.

You've primed your brain,

Your being,

To be more open,

To be more sensitive to what is going on.

And I think this being more sensitive to what is going on is also something that we shy away from very often because it's not always so convenient to feel that you're tired when you still have a lot to do.

To feel that you want to cry when you are amongst many people.

To feel that you want to say no when you think it's expected from you to say yes.

So rather than listening to that,

We push on,

We push through,

We push away.

And I very often hear from the people I work with more deeply that when they start applying self-gentleness,

That at first it's a bit harder even because they become more sensitive.

They become more aware of what is going on and then do not know so well what to do with it.

Oh,

But now I'm aware of what I want and it feels awkward.

It doesn't feel good not to listen to it anymore,

But I cannot.

So it creates a little bit more tension,

But actually that is good because we are so primed not to be sensitive,

Not to be aware that this is a beautiful process.

So that is the tuning in and that's the core of self-gentleness that will create that connection with yourself,

Which is the basis of working on for whatever you want to address in your life from here on.

Then within the system I also have an evening practice and a morning practice.

And that evening practice is to calm yourself down,

To focus,

To connect with three things you're grateful for.

Because when you do this,

We notice from a lot of research,

When you focus on things you're grateful for,

You start to cultivate this sense of gratefulness.

And that's a very pleasant feeling because that's an allowing feeling.

And then you set the intention that tomorrow is going to be another day.

And why we do this evening practice,

That is because when you do that,

You let go of the day before,

But you also let go of everything that you've been worrying about,

That you've been chewing on and you acknowledge there were some good things and tomorrow is going to be a different day.

And this you pick up immediately in the morning when you wake up,

Your eyes still closed,

Still in bed,

And you ask yourself,

Hey,

How are you doing?

This is a new day.

What is it that I want now,

Today?

And then you listen to that answer.

And I hear this a lot from people.

They say,

Well,

Then I wake up and then I ask myself what I want and then I want something that I cannot do right now.

Because,

For instance,

I want to sleep an hour longer or more or whenever I wake up,

But I have to bring the kids to school or my boss is waiting or I have an appointment.

So be gentle there.

Listening in and acknowledging what is there and then seeing if you can give it to yourself right now.

And if not,

Then you promise yourself you will come back to this.

So in this case,

You wake up,

You feel like you want to sleep more,

But you really cannot.

That's okay.

You've acknowledged the need and then you promise yourself,

I will come back to this.

So you will take an extra long lunch break.

You will cancel those dinner plans.

You will go to bed early.

You will take a day off tomorrow or the day after.

You will do something as small as it is to support yourself and give yourself to honor in that need.

So this is a system to gather the tuning in and then ending your evening,

Ending your day,

Picking it up in a different way,

In a more self-gentle way,

In a tuning in way.

We'll start to prime you to be more sensitive,

To be more aware of what is going on,

To honor those.

And you will also learn how to step by step start to give it to yourself.

And we are self-gentle in this process.

So even when you fight with yourself because you have needs and wants next to the to-do list,

It's okay.

It's okay to do that to-do list now as long as you will make small steps into incrementally,

Step by step,

Starting to change that.

So that in essence is the core practice that I teach.

And from here on,

Everything is possible.

You can apply this to all kinds of topics.

And of course,

There are many,

Many more practices that I have,

That I work with to really start to implement that self-gentleness until you start to notice that you have shifted your perspective,

Your self-gentleness perspective,

Your perspective of yourself with gentleness.