Why We Diminish Ourselves

This episode explores the reasons behind why we diminish and shrink ourselves, where this behaviour pattern is coming from, how it is affecting us, and how to take the first steps towards re-wiring this pattern. I also share guidance and journal prompts, designed to help you reflect on your own tendencies of keeping yourself small and self-diminishing so you can create change.

Transcript

Hello and welcome everyone.

Thank you so much for being here and sharing a little bit of your time with me today.

I really appreciate your support.

The topic of this conversation is how,

When and why we diminish ourselves and keep ourselves small.

Why we struggle to take up space and find it easier to be in the background where the focus is not on us.

In this episode I explore the tendencies and reasons behind why we diminish and shrink.

Where is this behaviour pattern stemming from?

How is it affecting us?

And how to take the first steps towards rewiring it and moving through it.

At the end of the episode I share journal prompts for you to reflect on,

Your own patterns and experiences and I hope you find them useful.

So,

Let's dive in.

We tend to diminish our personality,

Qualities,

Gifts and talents,

Our looks and our achievements.

For example,

When you receive a glowing feedback at work and when you meet your friends afterwards and they ask you about your day,

You may struggle to share it with them or you may brush it off quickly saying,

Oh it's not important,

It's just some feedback,

It's not a big deal and so on.

Or if you have the tendency to diminish your qualities and personality,

It may look like having the urge not to speak up out of fear of coming across as being too much.

Or adjusting yourself in a way to blend in the background,

Even if it's not who you truly are.

We can also diminish our looks by adjusting what we wear when it comes to clothes or makeup,

As a way not to draw the focus on ourselves.

When we shrink in the presence of others,

We may feel insignificant,

Powerless and not good enough.

We may feel like we struggle to speak up and express how we feel.

We may struggle to set boundaries and communicate our needs.

We may find it difficult to advocate for ourselves and do what's best for us.

When we keep ourselves small,

We may also feel this consistent alertness to tip toe around others,

Anticipating their thoughts and feelings so we can adjust ours in result.

And having this need to adjust ourselves all the time when we are around people may cause us ongoing distress.

We may also feel constrained,

As if we are not able to have the freedom to be who we are.

And before I continue,

I just want to say that neither of these examples are wrong,

Negative or bad.

They are just learned behaviour patterns that we've adopted and developed throughout our lives.

So it's not about shaming or judging yourself for having them.

It's so much more common than you may think you are not alone in this.

And you don't have to change or shift anything that you don't want to or you're not ready for.

This is not about changing ourselves out of fear of being broken or having something wrong with us.

And most importantly,

Having this tendency does not mean that you can't be happy or have a fulfilling job,

Relationship,

Success,

Life or anything else you may want.

Now that we've cleared this out,

Let's get to the point.

So why do we diminish and shrink ourselves?

Why do we keep ourselves small?

Why do we struggle to take up space?

It's easy to assume that we do so in order to make other people comfortable.

We do so by anticipating their thoughts,

Feelings and needs in order to adjust our own behaviour accordingly.

So we don't cause them potential discomfort.

However,

This is only one part of the story.

Yes,

We do it because we want to make sure that everyone is happy and we are not causing any upset.

But we want to ensure their comfort because of our primal need for safety.

Whether this is emotional safety or physical safety,

We view other people's potential discomfort as a threat to us.

This is why we have the urge to shrink ourselves and keep small just so we feel safe.

It's a coping mechanism that we've adopted as a way of protecting ourselves from pain.

And you know,

Having a self-protective mechanism is a good thing.

It can help us make decisions and take actions that can protect us and keep us safe.

However,

Often this behaviour can be overly self-protective and leads us to diminishing ourselves and keeping small in order to avoid potential harm.

Other people's discomfort may or may not result in actual harm to us but since we can't really know,

We consciously or unconsciously shrink just in case.

Astonishingly enough,

Human behaviour is less about other people and really a lot more revealing about who we are.

So when we have the tendency to do something,

We can often trace the roots back to ourselves and identify the patterns behind it.

And this leads us to the next big question.

Why diminishing ourselves makes us feel safe?

There are many possible explanations behind it.

I'm not going to have time to explore all of them.

But let's start with a couple and see how it goes.

This could be a learned coping mechanism that was modelled on us from childhood.

For example,

If you had caregivers who discouraged you from drawing attention over to yourself because it wasn't something they were comfortable with.

Perhaps they found it to be inappropriate or unacceptable or perhaps they discouraged you from talking openly about your academic achievements in order to avoid upsetting your siblings who might have struggled at school.

These are just examples.

I'm not saying that this is true for everyone.

Most often we adopt this coping mechanism because we've seen how people's discomfort can have a direct or indirect impact on us.

For example,

If you were judged or criticised for your laughter or the way you dress,

You might have learned to adjust and diminish yourself as a way of protecting yourself from future criticism and hurt.

Another possibility is that you might have a heightened sense of self-awareness and you might be more sensitive to people's presence which can make you overthink,

Predict and anticipate what your behaviour should be in response to theirs.

If you intuitively pick up on someone's mood,

You might have become more alert to any potential discomfort that they may experience.

Also,

If you've learned throughout your life that people's discomfort may lead to your own discomfort,

Then you can see why shrinking and being small is serving you as a way of keeping you safe.

However,

Sometimes even when we do everything we can to shrink or diminish who we are,

We can still feel uncomfortable doing so.

And this is why this behaviour pattern can be quite tricky to navigate.

On one hand,

It keeps us safe or creates the illusion of safety so it feels familiar,

But on the other hand,

We still feel confused,

Restricted and acutely aware of the space that other people take.

So there isn't an easy solution to this.

You can learn new coping strategies,

You can rewrite patterns,

However it's not going to be as smooth and easy and discomfort-free as we might have thought that it would be.

You may find it challenging and uncomfortable at first to grow out of this pattern because you may fear the unknown and what might happen.

As you make attempts to take up more space and give yourself conscious permission to speak up,

Talk more freely about yourself,

Your achievements,

To express the full range of your qualities,

Dress the way you want to,

Wherever that might be,

You may feel the urge to go back to safety.

And back to shrinking and keeping yourself small.

Especially when questions start to arise in your mind,

Such as what if something goes wrong?

What if someone gets upset with me?

What if I lose something?

And so on.

Shifting this pattern is less about what you say and how much you do because this is not about how little or how much you adjust yourself in order to shift it,

But it's about finding a new sense of safety as you make these new steps.

The safer you feel as you practice taking up space,

The easier and more natural it will become.

As you make gradual but consistent steps,

You can lessen your self-protective coping patterns and show yourself that you are still safe.

You can express how you feel,

You can be your whole self,

You can take the spotlight,

You can move away from the background,

You can speak up,

You can talk about your achievements.

And if you notice people's discomfort,

Pay attention to how your body reacts.

What thoughts come up?

Do you feel the urge to get back to safety?

Remind yourself that their discomfort doesn't take away from your own comfort.

Their frustration or hurt or anger is not an indication that you should go back to diminishing and shrinking.

Find a new sense of safety in taking up space.

I'm not going to lie,

This new sense of safety may not feel like your old sense of safety,

But it doesn't mean that it's not going to work.

It may just be different and that's okay because this is not about becoming someone you are not or forcing it or faking it.

It's okay to want to keep yourself safe,

This is a gradual process that comes and goes,

Ebbs and flows,

So stay kind to yourself and give yourself acceptance.

And now it's time for the journal prompts.

Take a moment to grab a pen and paper and when you're ready,

Let's begin.

How diminishing yourself makes you feel?

How is this behaviour serving you?

How is it impacting all areas of your life,

Such as work,

Relationships,

Health?

In what ways do you keep yourself small?

Where do you think it might be stemming from?

What triggers the urge to diminish your personality,

Qualities,

Looks,

Talents or achievements?

How would it feel to take up more space?

What would allow you to feel safe as you take up more space?

What would help you feel safer?

I really hope that these journal prompts spark some insights and self-realisations.

Feel free to share them with me if you like.

And I hope you found this episode helpful.

Thank you so much for joining me today and sharing this space with me.

And if you'd like to dive deeper into this work,

I've got a free self-acceptance workbook and journal guide that you can grab from my website for free.

And if you want to overcome unworthiness,

Insecurity,

Shame,

Self-betrayal and negative self-talk,

My one-on-one coaching programme,

Rooted in psychology,

Will help you shift behaviour and toll patterns,

Process emotions,

Accept all parts of yourself and finally feel whole.

You can learn more via the link in my bio or about section.

Thank you again for listening.

I really appreciate it.

And let me know what you would like to hear in the next episode.

I would love to hear your suggestions.

I send you lots of love and see you soon.

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Nameste 🙏