Stop Making Yourself Small | The Spotlight Effect

Hi,

There is this really neat concept in psychology called the spotlight effect and I want to touch on it today because I really think by bringing awareness to it that it will help you in your everyday life because my goal is to help you notice these patterns so that you can change it because if it's not for awareness and if you don't know what's happening then you can't change it and so it might help you look at the world a little bit differently and help you break some of that patterning.

So I really think that this pattern,

This spotlight effect is a really big reason why a lot of people stay small and I'm going to tell you a little bit about the research first before we get into it.

So the researchers at Cornell University asked students to walk into a room wearing an embarrassing Barry Manilow t-shirt and the students estimated that about 50% of people in the room would notice and the actual number was half of that,

So 25% noticed.

So that is a huge cut from that 50%,

That's half.

So it shows you how we consistently believe we're being judged,

Watched,

Noticed,

People are noticing us,

They're looking at us and I mean I get it right now with social media and you know cameras on our phones and it's a strange world and there are people who you know we might be in the background of a picture or video like it's tough and it's something that yeah I can see how people would feel like the spotlight is on them but know that and hopefully this calms that worrying is that our tendency to overestimate how much other people notice,

Remember and judge our behavior,

Appearance and mistakes are so much bigger than it actually is.

So we walk around feeling like we're standing under a spotlight literally and we really aren't because what's actually happening is that we are at the center of our own play.

So I always say this to clients where it's like I imagine in this lifetime it's like a play and we're the lead actors.

We have our own perceptions,

Our own views,

Our own ways that we're going about this world and with a spotlight effect that is exactly what it's like where we are the center of our own play,

We have our own thoughts,

Our own mistakes,

Our own uncertainties and they're very loud and constant but it's only coming from us and what's happening is you know the person beside you they're the leader in their own play.

So when you're worried about somebody else you know judging,

Noticing usually they're too busy worrying about themselves and their own insecurities,

They're processing their own stuff and they're standing under their own spotlight so they're actually too busy monitoring how they're coming across to be monitoring you and how often have you gone into a situation where you realize when you ask a friend did you notice that I had something in my teeth?

I remember this happened to my husband and I where I had gone all day with something in my teeth and he did not even notice and I was running through all of the people that I had seen that day did they notice and I mean at the end of the day it doesn't matter right but we do get caught up in our head and this spotlight effect takes over.

You know especially if you're looking at the spotlight effect in everyday life where you're going to work maybe you have something to say and a perspective in a meeting that you want to share but you're so afraid of what people are going to think of you and the spotlight effect takes over and it silences you and so you don't allow yourself to speak to be heard and you're second-guessing and you're saying to yourself what if it sounds stupid?

What if I misread the room?

What if I'm not answering the questions properly?

What if I say something wrong to everybody?

And so that's where you start doubting yourself and instead you say nothing and you silence yourself and then the meeting ends and you go back to your desk for the next two hours and replay the moment you didn't speak.

How many of you have done that where you're replaying moments?

My favorite time before I started doing this work was I would lay in bed trying to sleep and I would be replaying conversations and it was sometimes even conversations I hadn't had but I was trying to work them through or imagine if it went this way and trying to control the situation.

You know and sometimes our nervous system goes into overdrive when we feel the spotlight effect coming and if we do go to say something then a lot of people won't even remember if the spotlight effect is really bright because they were so nervous where you'll hear people say man I feel like I blacked out and it's because it's just so nerve-wracking to have that spotlight and so you're making yourself smaller based on judgment that existed almost entirely in your own mind,

Right?

It's like this situation just becomes bigger and bigger and bigger because that spotlight just feels so strong and so that's where I want to bring the awareness to it and this concept because when you see it affecting you in everyday life then this is where we need to take action and we need to start making sure that we can say okay is this really as big of a deal as I'm making it?

Is this something that is coming from my own perspective?

And instead of rehearsing what you're going to say before you say it and you say it so that you feel more confident and then you don't even say it anyway and it's unfortunate because you probably have a lot to say and you're rehearsing what you're going to say in meetings before you say it so that you can feel more confident and then you don't say it at all anyway and you stay quiet in meetings so afraid that your contribution will land wrong and so that fear takes over and that is one of the biggest indicators to me when I'm working with clients is if they're being affected by the spotlight effect is if they're replaying conversations for hours convince the other person is still thinking about it when they're not they've moved on but you're stuck in this spotlight effect and can't move on and I want you to know that I've fallen into this pattern too like I said this is something that I have worked through myself and that's why I think it's so important to bring up and it honestly takes practice it's like your nervous system can't fully relax and it can't fully release because it's replaying and it's imagining and thinking that you're still living in this situation because what's interesting is that when you're replaying this your your mind's replaying it and your body doesn't know the difference your nervous system doesn't know the difference between now and then so it thinks that it's still having the conversation it's still feeling overwhelmed everything is revved up for fight or flight because it thinks that it's still in the survival where it's being judged so the result of this is unfortunately that people who have this pattern in the spotlight effect make themselves smaller in rooms and you know feeling uncertain and I don't want that for you I want you to start feeling confident so I would love for you to do something to help yourself this week and to heal the spotlight effect and notice a moment when you were making yourself smaller than you needed to and I don't want you to worry about fixing it yet like I said this is the beginning this is the awareness I just want you to catch it and I want you to bring the awareness to it write down what happened just one sentence sentence or voice note yourself so that when you felt it let's say for example with the meeting where you felt like you wanted to say something and you couldn't did you feel it in your throat did you feel like there was something stuck in your throat like where was it in showing up in your body did you feel a tightness in your chest was your body talking to you and telling you when this had like what is your body talking to you and telling you when this happens because I truly believe that emotions can get stuck in our body and so it's like where is your body storing it when the spotlight effect happens and that's the first piece that I want you to work on there are so many women that I see in my practice who have this pattern and keep shrinking for so long that they don't even register it as a choice anymore but it is a choice and the moment you see it you really see it it starts to become different you can start choosing differently but the awareness has to come first remember that the only person that is truly watching that closely as you and the version of you that other people actually see as far less visible far less scrutinized than the one you think you are protecting so remember that you are allowed to take up space you always were thank you so much for watching and working on this