Covid Connecting With People On The Other Side

This is from an Insight Timer Live, part 3 of Steadiness in Hard Times: Working with our feelings towards people with opposing views. We're bracing ourselves for a return to work and school during a 4th wave with the Delta variant. Some mask and vaccinate. Some don't. People are dying. Our nervous systems are alarmed.

Transcript

The polyvagal system is one way that we can check in with ourselves.

So ventral vagal is when we feel trusted and connecting,

And we connect with ourselves,

We feel trusting with ourselves and other people.

And when we're in a fight or flight,

The sympathetic arousal stage,

That can be really present right now.

And the state of a freeze or dorsal vagal can also be really commonly what we feel right now.

And so we're going to work with that a little bit as we're checking in,

Especially,

And we'll check in at different times throughout the inquiry today.

One of the things that we notice is that when we tune into what's going on,

Especially something like this,

Where there's so much polarizing and so much strong feelings on both sides of the issue of people who feel really strongly that COVID is a hoax and that we're in a war and that there's a real problem here and that people who believe that COVID is real have something wrong with them.

And then on the other side,

So to speak,

There are people who have been affected personally or who just look around and we trust that the scientists and the doctors and the hospitals,

That there is not a conspiracy here and that we believe that COVID is real and that it's killed a lot of people.

We're in a global pandemic.

There's such a distance between the two groups.

So that's kind of what we're coming into this with.

So as we hear all of that,

And then we of course have our own personal experience with that,

Let's see if we can let that be for a moment and even maybe let it move to the background a little bit.

Notice your breath,

Notice your body.

And when we come into our body,

We just could notice what's happening here right now.

And that of course is very much influenced by what was going on five minutes ago and five hours ago and just generally in our life.

One of the things we know about our nervous system is that it collects all of the information,

Especially when there's a threat.

It remembers everything that's ever gone on in our lives and it uses all of that.

A function of the primitive brain is to remember everything that's a potential threat so that we don't get hurt,

Especially if it's something that's happened to us before.

So it tends to associate things together and that's part of what drives the polyvagal system of fight,

Flight,

And freeze,

As I was referring to earlier.

Ideally,

We really want to be in a state of a settled regulated nervous system.

And it's not like we want to always just be calm and peaceful.

It's not really that.

It's more that we move into being affected by something and then we're able to come back to a state of regulation a little bit more easily,

Maybe than we were before.

We might notice we get behind a driver that's going really slow and we get kind of irritated,

But then instead of getting into road rage,

We take some deeper breaths and we settle.

And there's so many examples of how people can be kind of irritating.

And then what do we do from there?

How do we handle ourselves?

So when we have a pretty stable nervous system,

Then life tends to go a lot better.

We tend to be less likely to go into emotional flooding.

So emotional flooding is a state where we're very activated and cortisol,

Adrenaline are streaming through our bloodstream.

It's like we have no or very little access to our conscious level mind.

And if we're someone who generally would maybe go into a fight response,

Then that's more likely to happen then.

And we just kind of lose it.

And so it's very easy when we're being poked at all the time to have less resilience and to struggle with staying regulated.

Come back now again just to notice your body.

Notice if there's parts of your body that are really tight.

Mostly we have these habits in our body.

We clench our teeth.

We have our shoulders wrap around our ears.

We might stop breathing or hold our breath.

So notice if you could take a few deeper breaths,

What does that feel like?

And exhale.

Let your whole body kind of soften as you breathe out.

Just for a minute or two,

Just to take a few deep breaths.

And oftentimes we'll do these regulating practices.

So one of the things that will help is to keep your eyes open maybe and look around the room.

Is there anything alarming that you're taking in through your eyes or does it look like most likely you'll be okay?

Your body will be safe while we do this practice.

And sometimes if we're feeling really edgy,

We might want to stand up and shake for us to come back into a state of connection with ourselves,

Within our body,

Our breath,

Our mind.

The practices that we do are really just to remind us that right now in this moment that we're safe and that we're not safe in kind of a Disney Channel kind of a way.

We're safe in the sense that we're present.

We have more resources now than we did when we were children.

So things that overwhelmed us when we were younger might not anymore.

We have a lot of tools we can really use.

Long exhales letting your body soften.

And then let's start to look at this topic.

18 months ago for most of us that it really kind of arrived on the scene kind of March 2020.

And now here in September 2021,

We can look back and really look at wow,

Things changed so fast.

We just went from having no idea that there was such a thing as COVID.

We had no social distancing or masks or any of that.

Everything changed.

And not only did it change,

But there's been a lot of controversy over how it changed.

Should it have changed this way?

Should it not have?

People were washing their groceries with bleach because we didn't know at the time that it was mostly airborne.

So we had a lot of fear and uncertainty about COVID.

And it happened very quickly.

So it was just like the rug was pulled out from underneath us.

Most of us would not have predicted that there would be a worldwide pandemic.

That we would have the kinds of experiences that we had through the rest of that year and then into this year as well.

We've lost that sense of I have a fairly safe prediction about what my life is going to be like.

It just vanished.

And then we were left scrambling to try and figure it out.

And some of us had really good supports.

Some of us didn't.

Anybody with a trauma history certainly had a different experience than someone who had a fairly regulated nervous system.

So just to sit with that for a moment.

You can put your hand on your heart if you want or hold your own hands.

Just to really be present with your breath.

And to acknowledge a year and a half ago,

Everything changed.

And you could even run the last year and a half kind of as a memory thread.

See what comes up when you think about what it was like for you this last year and a half.

A lot of us felt very powerless.

It was life or death.

We had no idea how well we would be able to protect ourselves.

Some people were able to work from home.

Other people were front lines in grocery stores,

In other jobs where they had to be there in person.

Certainly medical field.

It's been and it continues to be a really big challenge.

Notice as you're paying attention to that,

What does it feel like in your whole body now?

Did a certain part of your body tense up?

If you're holding your breath a little bit,

See if you can get that moving.

So as you're paying attention to this though,

Just to really notice,

We're really affected.

And we don't have a confidence in how it's going to turn out.

And that really affects our nervous systems.

I have a family member who believes that COVID is a hoax and that we're in a war.

It's very difficult for me to put him on the other side because I love him.

And I remember what he was like as a boy.

And I know what his trauma history is.

And he's such a good guy.

He really loves his daughters.

And he's really strongly anti-vaxx.

And so for me to work with this personally is helpful in a way because it's harder to put someone on the other side when we love them.

One of the things that's very helpful is to stay really steady and grounded in our own body.

So you could have your eyes open if you want.

If you have thoughts that are coming in that are pretty intense and that are scary,

You could do some tapping on your forehead.

You could hold your hand.

You could do some box breathing.

You could put the images or the words on a frame on the other side of the room.

Look at the space all around them.

We have all these tools that we can use to stay really present.

Take a couple of deep breaths and just notice what comes up when you think about people who believe that it's wrong to get vaccinated and when you think about some of the harm that comes from that.

So there are people right now who have died and who have really adverse health effects because the ICUs are full and overflowing.

A lot of it is with people who are unvaccinated.

So here we have this wish or this heartfelt desire to be open-hearted and to not go into shaming or rage against people who have those views.

And yet people who believe in that way are causing real harm.

Notice what it does in your body.

Notice if you could let your shoulders soften a bit,

Maybe relax your mouth and jaw.

And when we're talking about people who are kind of thinking about this in a polarized way,

Which I think is probably most of us,

It's hard for us to understand how the other side believes what they do.

And so someone who believes that there's a war going on,

That someone's trying to control their body,

That it's all a hoax,

Then they're getting their information from a certain set of sources that's really reinforcing that.

And they see people on the other side as being deluded.

Many of us feel like people who believe that COVID is a hoax are wrong.

They're not dealing with the facts of the situation.

One of the ways that we can perhaps understand this a little bit and have a little bit more empathy is to kind of sift through our own experience in life.

Have we ever been on the other side of something?

What did that feel like?

And maybe it was something that we feel really passionate about,

Like some social justice issue or something like that,

Where people just were going along with their lives and they weren't really seeing how important this is.

We thought differently,

Or we had a different experience from people in our family and we were kind of ostracized.

Many of us know what it feels like to be on the other side.

So that's one of the ways that we could do a practice of connecting.

I know what that feels like to be on the other side.

And when we look at these kinds of beliefs and how people kind of double down on them oftentimes,

They feel rejected by some part of the population.

And so then they tend to get more invested in staying part of the group that they're in.

And most of us can relate to that too on some level.

It's a human need to be accepted and included.

So when we're looking at this massive disconnect,

Wherever we are on that,

Tune into what it's like for us when we've experienced that in the past.

Certainly as a lesbian,

I know what that feels like.

So I can kind of extrapolate a little bit based on my own experience.

Most of us have something that we can use.

Or maybe we know somebody,

There's someone we love,

Someone in our family,

A friend,

A coworker who's had that experience.

So just notice,

What does it feel like in your body when you really tune into that?

So whether we believe in the truth as they see it or the truth as we see it,

Which is basically saying we're on opposite sides here,

We're polarized,

Part of the issue is can we stay connected with other people's humanity?

Even when there's a real life consequence for their beliefs.

It's really easy to get into shaming.

Do you have no concern for other people's lives?

What if that was someone you loved who couldn't get into the ICU because all of your unvaccinated friends are in there with COVID?

Very tempting to go into shaming against them,

Especially when there's such clarity around what the stakes are.

Notice if those kinds of thoughts are here too,

And let's take a moment just to really work with some of the thoughts that are here.

So notice what it is that's going through your mind.

Maybe it's somebody that you know,

Maybe it's people in your work life or people that you don't really love so much but that you do know.

What would it be like for them right now?

Is one of the ways that we can work with this.

We can use our own experience to just try and put ourselves in their shoes a little bit.

If you were really convinced that everyone was lying to you and trying to control you and that COVID was a hoax,

If that's what you truly believed,

What would your experience be right now?

One of the things we know is that some of this is based on fear and it's better to be angry than it is to feel powerless.

And how would that feel to really believe that?

One thing that we know is that many people who go down this road of believing something like this eventually kind of stop and whatever it is that makes them kind of stop and then they can really see I was actually not making sense.

And so many people are going to come back to us and how can we keep our hearts open?

How can we have our ourselves engaged with each other?

How can we be connected with someone who believes this?

And we can be really angry at the effect of this.

So all of this reactivity,

The high emotions,

The feeling of passionately needing to convince people,

Feeling really convinced that it's a hoax and everybody's against us,

All of this is very alarming for our nervous system.

And so to keep coming back to how could I,

With everything that's going on right now,

How could I come back into regulation in my own nervous system?

One of the ways to do that is with something like box breathing.

So if you want to,

You could do that with me now.

So inhale deeply.

And then hold your breath.

Two,

Three,

Four.

Breathe out.

Two,

Three,

Four.

Hold your breath.

Two,

Three,

Four.

Breathe in.

Two,

Three,

Four.

Hold your breath.

Two,

Three,

Four.

Breathe out.

Two,

Three,

Four.

And then let your breath go.

So you can do that for like much longer.

Do it for two or three minutes if you need to.

That's one of the ways that we can really let ourselves just kind of take a step back.

I'm feeling really dysregulated right now.

How can I kind of just settle myself again?

And then tapping,

Putting pictures in frames.

But also,

Can we allow ourselves to have the experience that we're having?

One of the emotions that many of us are feeling is rage.

How can they believe what they do and how can they be so selfish?

So if that's anything that comes up for you,

That's something that maybe we can look at for a moment too.

How could they be so selfish?

Do they not see that people are dying?

Do they not care about us?

Sometimes we get into how can they be so stupid.

There's a lot of judgment around that too,

Is possible.

And really feel that in your body.

I could die if I need an ICU bed and it's not there because of people who are not vaccinated.

Someone I love could.

And I can't do anything to convince them otherwise.

They're not open to reason.

And notice what that feels like in your body.

If there's anger,

Is it hot?

Is it in your chest,

Your face?

Where are you feeling it in your body?

And then just let yourself have a moment to feel it.

Let the thoughts be there.

I hate it that it's like this.

They need to change,

They need to get their head on straight,

Whatever is in your mind.

Let yourself notice what's here.

And not to shame yourself for feeling that way.

It's really normal to be angry when we're under threat.

And of course,

A lot of people are also going into flight,

Which we do by drinking or eating or Netflix or shopping or all of those things.

Some of us go into a state of real collapse.

It just feels like it's just too much.

One of the things that's really helpful is to notice it in your body.

It feels like fire.

What does it feel like in your body?

And then notice how that changes.

Oftentimes when we really notice a sensation or an energy,

We can notice the sensation itself.

Is it hot or cold?

Is it moving?

Is it still?

What are the dimensions of it?

Does it fill up our whole body?

Is it just this tight knot?

We're going to take a step back again and just come back into regulation.

So by that,

I just mean to let your whole body notice that you're here in this moment.

Push your feet on the floor,

Your seat on the chair.

If you want,

You could rub your hands together,

Put your hands on your heart,

Pat down your body.

That also helps us to remember that we're here and in this moment,

Our body's safe.

Relax your mouth and jaw,

Neck and shoulders on a few exhalations.

Let your whole body release tension.

And then before we finish,

To notice what else is here.

Often under anger,

There's grief,

Sadness.

We've had so much loss.

Loss of people,

Loss of relationships,

Loss of personal freedom to move about in the world.

We might have lost someone very close to us as well,

Either to COVID or to conspiracy theories.

Just to notice the feelings in your heart center.

What's your emotion here right now?

Take some deep breaths.

Notice that you're still able to breathe,

That you're still able to relax your body.

And if you're feeling really kind of tied up in this,

If it feels really overwhelming,

Then you could also do some more of the emergency practices.

Look around the room,

Name five things you can see.

And if you can,

Say it out loud.

I see a picture,

I see.

We can do all of those practices that really help us to regulate back into the moment.

And then to finish with just a real heartfelt sense of love and compassion for ourselves and others,

And to acknowledge this is so difficult.

This is really hard to be in the situations that we're in right now.

My heart goes out to everyone.

So many of us have these personal relationships where this is a very personal issue.

And even if we don't have someone that we love who feels this way,

We're certainly all affected by this issue and by people who feel that way.

Give yourself a moment again to just notice that you're here.

Acknowledge the courage it takes to come and do a practice like this as well.

It really does take courage to go inside and really feel what's here.

And then one of the things that happens,

Which is pretty wonderful as well,

Is that then we see,

Okay,

It's actually not going to stay like this exactly forever.

I have ways that I can work with thoughts that are intrusive.

I can open my heart.

I can acknowledge that my nervous system is doing all of this.

And then we can just keep coming back.

Reviews

Important topic, well done. Thank you