Why Self-Love is So Hard (and What We're Missing)

Okay,

So this is the first video I'm recording for Insight Timer,

And when I thought about this video,

I asked myself,

What is the most important thing I want to share with people in the Insight Timer community?

And the answer was obvious.

The first thing I want to talk about is self-love,

Because it's something I used to really understand absolutely nothing about,

And I've been on a path towards loving myself for about a decade now,

And I've made real progress,

Even though it's still a messy journey,

And sometimes it's really hard.

And so I want to share some of the things I've learned,

And yeah,

Some of the context in which this came.

I was in a very toxic romantic relationship about 10 years ago,

And when we were about to break up,

We watched together a video of the teacher,

Matt Kahn,

And Matt was talking about relationships like ours,

Where outside of the relationship,

We seem to be so spiritual,

So calm,

Yet the relationship was able to really push us completely out of our center,

To make us really angry,

Upset.

And what Matt said was,

Well,

If you're living in a relationship like this,

It probably means you don't love yourself.

And it was the first time I was hearing about self-love,

And I thought,

Okay,

I'm going to learn to love myself so that I don't have to seek from the outside what I need to give to myself.

This was the first basic understanding of self-love,

Seeing that in that relationship,

And more generally in my life,

I was trying to get from the outside affection,

Validation.

I was trying to get compliments,

Recognition,

And so it was a really important moment to understand,

Okay,

Now I'm going to give this love to myself.

So in the beginning,

I started changing the relationship I had with my mind and with my body.

I thought loving myself is really about how I nourish myself,

Whether physically,

Emotionally,

Mentally.

So I changed my nutrition,

I started meditating,

I exercised more,

I took better care of my sleep,

I ended some toxic friendships.

So that was what I may call the first step in my self-love journey.

And it really helped me a lot to have a better appreciation of the simple joys of life and to not be in a constant state of seeking something that would only give me temporary relief.

Because as we've all experienced,

When we get a compliment,

When we get attention,

When we get recognition,

The benefit we derive from this lasts a very short amount of time.

And if we have some addiction to these outside manifestations of affection,

Then very quickly we're going to need to seek some more.

One of the main discoveries I made on this path of self-love,

And which was more recent,

Upon discovering the work of Gabor Mate and his amazing book,

The Myth of Normality,

Is this idea of the tension between attachment and authenticity.

A child,

When she's born,

Has two primary needs,

The need for attachment and the need for authenticity.

The need for attachment is the need to get love and to be nourished with food,

Because as babies and infants,

We don't have the ability to feed ourselves,

Both physically and emotionally.

And the other need is the need for authenticity,

To be who we are,

Because we come into this world already being a certain way.

And so these two needs,

In the beginning,

They don't conflict.

I have a three-and-a-half-year-old son,

And he's not asking himself when he has frustration,

When he cries,

When he says no,

That is to say when he's authentic,

Whether his need for attachment is going to be broken.

He knows that he's still going to have the attachment.

But there comes a time in the life of a child when the need for attachment and the need for authenticity conflict.

We're going to get a message from our caregivers,

From the adults around us,

That if we are a certain way,

Meaning if we are authentic to who we are,

We're not going to get love,

That we're not going to be,

No longer going to be accepted.

And this is a very difficult moment in the life of a child,

And a choice needs to be made.

Do I maintain my authenticity at the risk of losing the attachment,

Or do I keep the attachment at the risk of losing my authenticity?

And the choice is very simple.

We all make the same choice,

Because as children,

We simply cannot live without attachment.

So we decide to put authenticity on the side.

And this is how we learn at a young age to say yes when we want to say no,

Because we're trying to please others.

And we develop in life,

And we still have this approach where we privilege attachment to authenticity.

But now we're adults.

And if the bond is broken with someone,

With a friend,

With a family member,

We don't risk dying.

Yet we still view our authenticity as a threat to an attachment without which we fear we're going to die.

Yet it's not the case anymore.

And so one of the main things that we can do as adults to love ourselves is to reclaim our authenticity,

Is to look where in our lives do we say yes when really what we want to say is no?

Are we able to take the risk that someone is going to reject us?

An example I love is the example of dinner plans that you actually don't want to go to.

You're tired.

You're not feeling great.

Or maybe you just don't feel like it anymore.

And most of us will not cancel the plans because we're afraid that we're going to disappoint someone,

That we're not going to get invited again.

So this is really the attachment prevailing over the authenticity.

Can we learn,

If we can do this from love,

To say,

You know what?

I'm sorry.

I don't feel like coming.

I hope we can have dinner another time.

I remember a teacher who was once sharing this example with me and said,

It's really interesting how when we do this,

Often we'll find that the other person also did not want to maintain the dinner plans.

Yet they were doing it also from fear of losing attachment.

So this is really,

I think,

A key question to ask ourselves.

Where in my life can I make a change to take a step back from my fear of losing attachment and take a step forward in being my authentic self?

And this entails running the risk of losing certain relationships because some people will reject us if we are authentic.

But it's important to ask ourselves,

Do we want to maintain relationships where we are rejected if we're authentic?

And I think the answer is no,

Even though it may be uncomfortable at first and it may be surprising for people around us at first.

I've been working with the internal family systems approach to psychotherapy,

And I will make other videos to talk about this because it's really a revolutionary approach.

And recently I did a psychedelic assisted session of psychotherapy using IFS.

And I went in there thinking that I was going to cry the sadness of my inner child,

The wound of rejection that I felt from my father when I was a child.

And it's the exact opposite that happened.

What came up in the session was the need to run around,

The need to be messy,

The need to laugh,

The need to play,

The need to really connect to the authenticity of the inner child inside me who wants to really be free and adventurous and playful.

And so one of the things that I've started putting in place in my life recently to reclaim my authenticity,

In addition to saying no to the things that I want to say no to,

Which I've become much better at,

And actually it's just made my friendships more sincere and more real,

Is to introduce more play in my life,

To play more games.

There's a game I love called the Peteka,

Which is like badminton but with the hands,

And I've been doing that more and more.

And I actually even recently bought,

I'm about to be 48 years old,

I recently bought a video game console because I used to be addicted to video games in my childhood and adolescence,

And so I decided video games are finished,

I'm not doing this,

It's a waste of time.

And I saw that I'm putting so much pressure on myself because I want to maintain the attachment,

Because I want to be successful,

Because I want other people to approve of me,

Because I want to be a good father,

A good husband,

A good provider,

That actually what I need to do is to release that pressure a little bit and to go a little more into play,

Even if it means video games.

So I bought the video game console a few weeks ago and I still haven't found really the space to play,

But the intent is there.

And yes,

I will leave you with this and with this fundamental question.

What can you do in your life to love yourself better?

How can you take a step forward in reclaiming your authenticity?