Dissolving The Inner Critic: Proven Practices To Clear It

Hello everyone!

So we're going to take some time just to arrive and I'd love to know where you're coming from and if you've been here before you can put your your name and what you're hoping to get from today's live.

So Carly from Lincolnshire in the UK.

I hope I'm saying this right.

So I'm here in Sedona right now in Arizona and I'm really looking forward to this live.

I think that understanding the inner critic is one of and changing our relationship to it is probably one of the most powerful and helpful things that we can do in our lives.

So Sholo AZ.

I'm not familiar with Sholo TANY.

Arizona too.

So just take your time right.

Usually it takes a little bit of time for everyone to arrive and join in.

So if you'll just take the time to make yourself comfortable.

I have a little candle here lit next to me.

I have some water.

I have a nice matcha latte homemade and yeah we want to be the more comfortable we are the more settled and grounded we are the easier it is to to go deep into the things that are not so easy because today's topic of conversation as as much as it's going to be incredibly helpful it's also very painful right living with an inner critic our whole life is not something that I don't think anybody enjoys at least I haven't and ever since I learned how we can actually dissolve the inner critic I've realized that there's just an incredible opportunity to change our relationship to ourselves and to how we experience ourselves and that's a gift so that's gift I want to to give you today so Karen hello good evening Karen I think you're in the UK if I remember well Sophia from Sweden I remember you too yes so it's just the second live you join I'm so grateful thank you for all the people who have the opportunity to to join us again and again I really appreciate it so I don't want to keep you waiting too long I know some people are still coming in that said we're going to to just have like a very high level kind of orientation about the inner critic I'm happy to hear anything that you have to share about the inner critic about your inner critic how it plays out anything that you've learned anything you want to understand we're going to be weaving the Q&A as we go along and we're going to have a lot of practices today because we cannot through insight and knowledge alone dissolve any pattern it just doesn't work like that that's not how the brain works we can have and you might know that from maybe personal experience I know that I've read thousands of books and even after reading those thousands of books it took me a lot of more self-exploration and inner work to be able to actually start to rewire my brain and repattern you know some of the old protective mechanisms that were inside of me as a result of childhood trauma Isabelle bonsoir and Una from Ireland hello okay so we started a little bit talking about the inner critic but what's important to know first and foremost about the inner critic is that this is not your voice it's not you some people would say and I don't disagree with that that said I don't know if it's the most beneficial way to look at you know the inner critic that we inherit the inner critic from our parents our caregivers authority figures that is true and at the same time they also inherited it from their parents and on and on and on so this is a wiring that is definitely ancestral and familial right we inherited from our family and our family conditioning our our ancestor the whole lineage and it's also a human thing there are very few people in the world that have been able to actually get the voice of the inner critic to just disappear and it's no longer there meaning that they are able to have self-agency in their lives and they don't have like someone narrating in the background you're doing this wrong what's wrong with you you're so stupid etc etc whatever it is that you know the inner critic you're not good enough you know it can say so many things and at the end of the day it's not us it's what we've internalized in regards to how we were perceived how our patterns our behaviors our let's say personality developed and how the environment interacted with that and said oh you shouldn't be like that you shouldn't feel like that you shouldn't draw like that you shouldn't dress like that you shouldn't feel like that you shouldn't talk like that you shouldn't you know so it's like on and on and on those messages that we receive whether they were verbal or non-verbal because your soma your body and your nervous system your brain and your whole nervous system your autonomic nervous system are constantly it's called neurocepting they're tracking what's going on in the environment and from that they're deriving interpretations about whether what we're doing is being accepted or not and from there we internalize that because we say when i do this when i say this when i think this when i feel this this is how i am met meaning i'm not accepted i'm not loved i'm rejected i'm abandoned i'm judged i'm demeaned so then we catch on and we say you know what i don't want to feel this way i don't want to feel abandoned i don't want to feel rejected i don't want to feel like i don't belong because we are all wanting secure attachment that we're wired actually for secure attachment and secure relationships so we internalize that and we say well if i can preemptively punish myself for who i am and how i behave and how i show up in the world then i'll be safe and that was developed even if you think about like way back in time when our ancestors lived in small tribes and let's say that you did something that you know like the tribe didn't like you would be abandoned and you would be all alone you know in the jungle and you would die or in the jungle or in the land wherever you were that said you would be in you know in a land that was not favorable to human beings living by themselves and therefore you wouldn't have protection so that inner critic developed as a protective mechanism it's actually a protector and that's really important to understand because when you understand that context then what you understand is that the inner critic is not against you the inner critic is not your enemy the inner critic is actually a part of you that you want to befriend that you want to get close to that you want to start to listen to not to hear the harsh self-talk even though that's going to be part of it at the beginning but to hear what's underneath because what's underneath is what it's trying to protect you from it's like it's the inner critic is always going to be worried about something that you're doing or saying or thinking or feeling or being that would undermine your capacity to be to belong and to have secure attachment and so it's constantly looking for that you know making sure that that's not happening that the abandonment the rejection is not happening and that the other thing is happening the belonging the secure you know relationship the acceptance is happening and that's why it's it can be so intense okay so that's a little bit of like uh background on the inner critic and i'm gonna look just to see if i missed anything i don't think so and but before i do that i just want to say hello to other people who have arrived so jits good evening from the netherlands i love the netherlands uh jess from hello from australia i love australia too and jane also from the netherlands first time here welcome jane yeah welcome everyone elaine from wales beautiful i've been to wales too uh i i was raised in paris and i used to be in the corporate world and i traveled a lot so i know a lot of countries through my work at the time okay so so far are there any questions or any additions you want to make about the inner critic that does it make sense to you when you hear what i said about why the the inner critic is here and that it's actually your friend even though it doesn't sound like it or feel like it it's there to protect you and the more instead of trying to push it so the tendency is to push it away suppress it repress it distract away from it uh be annoyed with it you know like even become another critic of the inner critic and doing that it just keeps us looping so nothing resolves the patterns that it's trying to protect us from they stay in place and nothing changes because we go into the pattern and then the inner critic comes up and then we go back into the pattern because it's like it's so overwhelming it actually takes us into a part of the brain the amygdala that's like the threat uh detect detection center and then from there we like like we our prefrontal cortex shuts down we don't have access to information that is accurate about who we are about our capacity about what we can do and so um yeah the more the more we can actually develop that relationship with the inner critic the more we are not going to be activating our amygdala and the other subcortical areas of our brain that keeps us kind of like in confusion and stress anxious worried not feeling capable and then we can have self-agency so Petra is asking a great question is inner critic related to perfectionism yes so you could say that the inner critic and and perfectionism are one and the same or that the inner critic is playing out perfectionism right it doesn't want anything that you do say feel think to not meet what has been internalized as the expectations of your caregivers or authority figures or the world in general so it's constantly saying does this match or does this or does this not match because if you don't meet the expectations of the world which become internalized right the perfectionism is like the internalization of those expectations what happens you will be rejected you will be abandoned you will be judged you will be punished so it's constantly trying to prevent that from happening and that's what perfectionism is perfectionism is like i can't risk doing saying feeling being anything that is going to potentially lead to my abandonment makes sense Petra says thank you so is it fear-based it is fear-based yes it is based on projecting based on a an internalized experience from the past that certain parts of us are not acceptable and Nikki also you're right it is a trauma response right and then there's little traumas and big traumas right so it's always important to realize like even small things even a parent you know like let's say you're you're finger painting and you did it on the wall and you kind of like made a mess because you're a kid and then the parent says you know something harsh you know they love you that said they say something harsh they say like what's wrong with you and then they shake you a little bit you know and then it's like like the child and and they don't do the repair if they do the repair after and they say i'm so sorry honey i was like exhausted and they take you in their arms and they they repair the relationship then that doesn't stay behind if there's no repair you would say that that's the trauma response the trauma response is an event that happened where something was really intense emotionally and there wasn't the support it was too fast too soon uh too much and without support and then we didn't have a way to realize oh we were not bad we were not wrong we were just finger painting and we're children and that's what it is and that's all it is so i hope that that gives some some context okay so in a way right i i kind of said that already but like the inner critic is a preemptive supposedly foolproof self-abandonment uh well anti-abandonment strategy that said it's it's self-abandoning right it's like well if i can if i can up front tell myself all these bad things about myself then i can find a way to change myself and then as a result i won't be abandoned by the world and therefore i will not lose my sense of belonging and secure relationships which are again we're wired for that that's the most important thing katerina hello from ukraine nice to see you here katerina welcome so um another thing i guess that i didn't say and then we're gonna go into a little practice is that um the the inner critic learned its strategies from what it heard and also from a young age where there wasn't anything else available to it it's like the prefrontal cortex wasn't really online yet and so it hasn't learned another way to deal with uncertainty to deal with um well the unknown which is uncertainty to deal with certain you know character like character let's say characteristics or character traits that we have that are unique to us and that maybe not everyone you know would enjoy because we're all unique and and there are things that we might still love about ourselves and that other people might not and when we sense that we can even have a harsh response to those parts even though parts of us like those parts we can still kind of sense and perceive how others would feel towards those parts okay so one more thing i want to say and then we go into the practice is that your inner critic has good intentions for you it's not working for itself it has no like it's it doesn't have anything to gain from being harsh like that it is trying to protect you it is trying to encapsulate your wounding so that it doesn't get triggered and so it's working for you and when you realize that then there's you you you can start to develop a relationship with it and today is exactly what we're going to do instead of like i said before reject you know distract suppress repress no we're going to turn towards it we're going to start to know it start to love it and we're going to even become kind of best friends with our inner critics so that then it can soften and then it can realize wait a minute i'm not three years old anymore wait a minute i'm not 10 years old anymore i have self-agency i can do things differently so that's that okay we're going to go into practice i just want to catch up peace hello peace from tucson yes a few hours away i love tucson i live there for a little bit and then what is the difference between the inner critic and the ego that is a question i think that is kind of beyond what we're going to talk about today that said very high level i would say that the inner critic is part of the ego and the ego is so much more than just inner critic the inner critic is one way that the ego expresses and takes shape to protect us right the ego is all about protecting us from from being hurt basically um and and trying to protect an identity that feels safe the and so the inner critic is part of that it's not you know it's it's it's not just like the ego is way more than the inner critic okay eugene hello alexandrina well this talk will be able to be viewed listen to after tonight so eugene i'm really so i'm trying to get so a month ago we had a qigong talk and i recorded it and there are a lot of different rules uh with inside timer and i'm i've been trying to um to basically publish it and i'm trying to work with them so that it can be published so i hope so eugene so yes it's my hope that um the recording will meet their um their requirements and as a result you'll be able to have access it could take maybe a week you know for their process of approval gloria hi from new york and uh yeah peace you love sedona yeah sedona is great okay so let's go into a little practice so that we can actually uh start to get into our bodies and meet ourselves in such a way that just by doing that the inner critic begins to soften a little bit or maybe it begins to let us know that it's there right because sometimes when we meditate you might have had that experience i used to have that experience a long time ago when i started meditated you know i had to be upright and it had to be a certain way and i had all of these these voices inside my head about doing it right and that was my inner critic um so we're going to kind of like soften and if the inner critic comes up for you as you're doing this practice just notice it notice it's there and remember it's benevolence towards you it's good intentions towards you because that's you starting to develop your relationship with it and changing how you feel about it which then opens the door for it to change okay so you can start by you can either invite a soft open gaze and so by the way when we do that whenever you're on the computer a lot or on your phone a lot take some time to have an open gaze and you're going to see that it's going to shift your nervous system state like now because when we are when we're very focused on a screen or a small screen even more it brings up that threat detection mode in our nervous system and in our brain so we really want to practice that open soft gaze that allows us to be present with everything around us to be connected with everything around us and as a result to feel resourced and more relaxed so if you'll do that or you can close your eyes and maybe connect to your breath for a moment you're not trying to change it you're simply noticing and notice the surface that you're sitting on if you're sitting right now or laying down if you're lying down and try to see if you can really let the weight of your body and gravity just deepen your yielding into support so for me i immediately felt like my shoulders dropped i tend to be anxious when i do public speaking and so usually my shoulders go up a little bit and as soon as i yielded into the support it's like okay i can relax here so if you'll do that for yourself and just notice what's happening in your body when you're doing that and then if your eyes are closed or open with a soft gaze either way you can ask yourself like how does it feel to be inside of my body right now and just notice whatever you notice you can do a little scan if you'd like notice areas of tension you're not trying to change them you're just noticing okay there's a little bit of tension in my right shoulder belly and i'm just gonna be with that and if by chance up until now and at this time you are hearing like some kind of voice that's you know kind of narrating a story about what's happening inside of you outside of you about this life the part that's critical that's maybe criticizing you your attention the way you're doing things just notice it if if it is there if it's not there just continue to just be with yourself and just feel what you feel and if there is a voice as you notice it notice if there is a corresponding body sensation or body shaping where is that inner critic living inside of your body maybe it's tension in your jaw maybe it's some tightness in your neck maybe your chest feels heavy maybe your solar plexus feels contracted maybe it's your lower belly that feels a bit queasy or tense or maybe it's your pelvic floor that feels a bit also tense and closed up and just notice don't have to change it you're simply noticing and if you hear it saying things just register that as just a part of you and that part of you is not the whole of you it is just a part it's a part that has its feelings it's a part that has good intentions for you even if it sounds harsh and you're now becoming aware of that you're integrating that understanding that it it might sound harsh it might not feel good in my body and ultimately it wants to keep me safe it's worried about something and just notice that and also notice it is not all of me it is just a part of me and we're going to develop that language as we do the focusing in a moment and as you realize that maybe there is a sound of relief that wants to come so it could be like ah which by the way brings your vagus nerve online your parasympathetic nervous system gets activated when you sigh because you lengthen your exhale and you can repeat and maybe you might notice that as you meet your inner critic if it came up with compassion and presence it begins to soften and if you want you can put a hand on your heart and just offer yourself gratitude for that for choosing to get to know your inner critic which is not easy to do so that you can shift your relationship to it and you can in my opinion experience a lot of changes on things that were not changing before because the inner critic was keeping stuff in place okay so i'll just end by saying when we accept what is here right now including the harsh self-talk and give it space to be exactly as it is it's more likely to change when it's ready to so take a moment to pause rest and notice what happened as we did this practice what's different and then if you want to share in the chat about your experience i love that even if we don't get to practice as much for me what's most important is really that contact that we're having that connection and i find your insights your reflections your questions to be so helpful and they bring so much value to this interactive live that we're having together right this interaction that we're having so isabel no bad parts no they are no bad parts parts are just they were formed at the age that they were formed based on the experience that they went through and at the time that that happened whatever they're doing now is the best that they knew how and the more we understand that and the we are with them and we love them and we listen to them and we we develop genuine care towards them the more they actually start to say you know what in ifs we call it unburdening right in internet internal family system or parts work it's unburdening that part is like you know what i don't need to do this anymore i can go and do something else and that's something else is all the things you've been wanting to do in your life so that's a lot of freedom so nikki is saying something i noticed i only heard you in one ear in my headphones just so you are aware no need to fix it right now and i agree with isabel i wonder if this is uh so i'd like to know if this is a general experience for everyone if you could let me know that would be great because i haven't had that problem that said it could be huh okay well i let's let me see just for one second something but it could be on inside timers side yeah i'm using my microphone stereo it should not be happening i put it in high quality you know what let's see okay tell me okay i put it in high quality instead of uh stereo and it looks like that fixed it and also i put the noise reduction on good now everyone so sorry i wish you had told me before i'm so sorry that was happening oh okay someone wasn't wearing uh headphones and said it was okay for them so it's a headphones uh thing okay good to know i was able to acknowledge okay so hold on let me now that we i just don't want to miss anything okay robert is saying he had the same with our session so it's not on my end but apparently that setting fixed it so that's great okay so jody for a fleeting moment i was able to acknowledge my inner critic is part of me and not all of me now i'm back to pretty much all of me that's fine jody that's normal and you'll see that what i'm going to teach you today is how to change that because that's called merging and when we don't so in um in focusing uh and i'm going to define in a moment what what focusing is and in a relationship focusing we develop what's called uh self in presence in ifs they call it you know the self um and self in presence is what allows you not to be blended and and merge with your inner critic or any part for that matter today we're talking about the inner critic that everything i'm saying is relevant to any parts of us so don't worry jody it's a process think about it this way if you've i don't know how old you are that said if someone has practiced their whole life being merged with a part of them and did not develop much self in presence because that just wasn't something that was modeled for them and that was embodied by caregivers uh 46 so let's say you practice this your whole life it's not like you know one little practice of five minutes is not going to change that so and nikki you can always interrupt please especially for things like that please do not worry anything technical anyone who can interrupt anything really you can interrupt because i don't see interruptions as interruptions i love that we can have a flow okay so i'm just gonna put in the chat i'm gonna read it uh so i did a lot of like the neuroscience of this so that you can also understand what's happening in your brain and what's happening uh in terms of the rewiring of your brain so i'm gonna put it in the chat for anyone who wants to keep that if it lets me no it's too big okay so i'm just gonna read it and then you'll have access to it through you know through the video so when you noticed the critical voice as so we didn't do that yet that said that's what we're going to do in a moment as something in me rather than the whole of who you are you activated the observing part of your prefrontal cortex the part that can hold i noticed this rather than being swept by it so that's very relevant to what jody was saying then daniel siegel one of my teacher who i love by the way calls this mind sight he's one of the people who has studied the mind the brain meditation more than anybody else in terms of neuroscientists and and uh psychologists he is really brilliant so then the body sensations you tracked so whether it was like a tight chest held breath tension in your jaw or your nervous system re-enacting a protective response that was encoded earlier in life uh dr bessel van der kolk also one of my teacher uh in his research he documents how threat responses become stored as chronic physical patterns constricted breathing muscle tension postural collapse and the body continues to run run these patterns to continue to to take these patterns and this shaping long after the situation has passed this short practice that we just did is the beginning of separating the observer from what is being observed and each time you return to doing that your capacity to observe what is happening instead of like jody said just being pretty much you know in it and and merge with it that's going to be more and more available so you probably know being here on insight timer that you know what changes the repetition repetition repetition okay so i see we're already at 40 minutes i'm supposed to do an hour i never do an hour just so you know so uh and hopefully for the ones who can only stay an hour you can uh you can watch the recording so i wanted to tell you a little bit about focusing very quickly so focusing was born as a result of a study in chicago by carl rogers and eugene jenling eugene jenling was a philosopher and a and a um a therapist or a psychologist he's most mostly known as a philosopher and carl rogers was a psychotherapist and they did the largest study in the 70s to try to understand what is the uh the commonality of in in patients who have successful therapy therapeutic treatments what is it that makes it work and what they found is that all the people who had very high success rates with their therapy were actually focusing so what were they doing they were connected to their felt sense as they were speaking about it so they were not just doing talk therapy they were going inside and being connected to the felt sense right and today that's what we're doing we're we're developing a relationship with our inner critic with the felt sense of our inner critic not just what it's saying how it's manifesting in our body how it's expressing itself so i did not study with eugene uh jenling that said i'm studying with um and weiser cornell uh of inter uh inner relationship focusing who developed from you she was a student of eugene uh jenling and she developed her own focusing process um and it's so the foundation is to develop um self in presence and then also to develop um presence and focusing language and then finally to be in touch with the felt sense so today that's what we're doing we're developing cultivating self in presence we are using presence language i'm going to teach you that in a moment and then we're also going to really connect and be in touch with uh the felt sense so i see marjorie you're saying that there is a live in a series continuing tonight okay wonderful uh on the shame triangle from shame to love using pot's work okay so i just want to say that focusing is different than ifs and i i also study ifs with uh dr frank anderson so i very much appreciate ifs that said we're not talking about ifs here this is different and it's a different process that uh in my opinion allows you to develop a relationship with the inner critic that dissolve the inner critic without um without having the intention or without having the motivation to and what i mean by that is like yes we have the intention that's why we're here and we have the motivation that's why we're here that said we the way that we approach the relationship with the inner critic must be one that is completely like neutral the moment that we especially with a protector the moment that we go and we uh basically start to get a protector to change it's going to hide so it's going to move away and hide as far as possible as it can because it believes that it's here for a purpose it believes that it should be here it believes that it's serving uh and and that it's it has good intentions and therefore it's not going to want us to see it if it knows that our intention is to change it jude is asking is this saying that embodying feeling somatic work is what will lead to success in our inner work absolutely 100 i've i've spent the last um i spent the last uh 18 months studying uh somatic uh psychology and somatic therapy and i can tell you that because 80 of the nerve uh fibers are afferent they go up from the body to the brain the work that we do bottom up is so much more powerful and effective than top down top down is 20 they even think it might be just 10 so it doesn't mean top down is not good and helpful right we want to reinforce that loop right between the brain and the body the nervous system and the brain so it's good to uh to do that and we um we also want to be in our bodies and that's what made focusing so powerful it's being in touch with the felt sense um yes marjorie thank you so much i appreciate it and i do want to make the distinction because this is not about ifs today it is about focusing and it's a different process and because i'm studying both i can see the nuances and in my opinion and this is very personal to me again having studied both and and absolutely having so much appreciation for ifs and parts work i don't think for me that ifs can get me to the place where that focusing can get me in because the deliberateness and the gentleness and the non the the playful curiosity that is not that doesn't have any motives that is a very different in my opinion i'm not saying that that's true for all ifs practitioners that said in my opinion that's different than ifs having done ifs work and the unburdening and all of those processes it's yeah it's um it's a bit different so in any way uh yes nikki intellectual top-down somatic bottom-up and especially people who have adhd and other neurodivergent traits which i'm a part of that population or you know those categories i mean i don't like labels that said you know i do have some of those traits uh the bottom-up is so important it's one of the most important thing marjorie uh eugene jenling jenling hopefully it doesn't correct and um carl rogers you can look up their studies i'm focusing okay so just so you know by the way the work of dr peter levin and uh even the the term felt sense actually comes from jenling and peter levin received um a prize i can't like some kind of noble prize or um not the noble prize noble prize that said in in the realm of of uh psychology and the year he received it he says the next year eugene jenling needs to receive one because every everything i've ever done all the work i've i've done is a derivative of the work of eugene jenling so it's not very well known that said for for me focusing has changed my life even type of type of personality bottom-up is more effective i'm not sure what you mean chebet even type of a personality bottom-up is more type a okay type a yeah that makes sense because we can get trapped up there and and that's going to be hard to change and that's not going to lead to a lot of change inside here because like the the wounding of type a or you know perfectionist you know tendencies comes from what we've internalized in our body what we have in our bodies okay so um let's see if i can share this in the um in the chat if it's too long it's too long can't really write much in the chat okay so i'm just gonna read this the arc of what we're doing right now so first arriving in the body right then locating the um the inner critic somatically then we're going to make compassionate contact with the inner critic once we do that then it can start to open up like if we're really showing that we care that we're interested we're not trying to change it we're not trying to make it go away we're interested then it's going to open up and then we can listen for its worry its need or needs and the want that is underneath because as much as an inner critic can be worried about something or have a need that is not being met ultimately it wants also something for us it wants a certain experience for us so they're you know the don't want and want are always connected always know that there's like the things that we don't want are actually you know driven of course by uh wounding from certain things having happened that were painful that said it's it's also because we want something else so being connected to that also um insight timer asked me to remind you if you're enjoying the live and if you have the capacity if you can donate we always appreciate it okay and then after listening for the worry the need or the want receiving the support that you need to soften the inner critic and that's what starts to transform our patterns because when we receive that kind of support and the inner critic softens then all of a sudden there's not this like inner conflict and this war that's preventing us from looking at like huh i could do this differently i'm i'm okay like i i don't need to be you know hard on myself or i don't need to you know to to shut down or i don't need to um to have this this pattern that then my inner critic you know like says like you shouldn't be like that once you start to have that kind of support and you develop that relationship with the inner critic and the inner critic softened softens then you have access to that information you have access to that that realization oh i can do things differently it's accessible to me and that happens naturally um okay so we're gonna go now into using the language something in me in this practice when we use something in me we are using focusing language when we say instead of saying i am or i feel or uh basically being identified with a pattern that's playing out or a personality trait that we have the moment that we say i am i feel first of all we're in a certain part of the brain and we're identified and we're in our emotional centers of the brain and it's gonna feel kind of like not like not so great first of all in our soma we're going to have a protective pattern that comes up and also uh we don't have access when that happens to like how that's not all of us and how that's just one part of us that feels this way so uh yeah we're we're gonna go into that so something in me so anytime you you sense something instead of saying i feel or i am or this and this and this something in me is feeling something in me or i am sensing thank you for all the hearts by the way i love them so something in me is feeling something in me is um is experiencing something in me is saying something in me anything so that's the shift in language that we're going to make nikki is saying makes me think of chris kristen neff the self-compassion queen she taught me that being mean and a bully to myself is actually counterproductive she is right absolutely it doesn't work is the language there is also within the focusing work context um yes that said at this time it's better just to use something in me or i am sensing something in me that said shebet that's that's also a great one there is something in me we're just staying simple here we're just saying something in me or i am sensing something in me which then takes you into a different part of the brain the brain that is like observing i am sensing that is not doing the thing or something in me that is not all of me and then there can be this disentanglement right this disenmeshment that occurs where now we're not merged with the part as if it was all of us okay so let's let's begin so if you start by connecting to the space that you're in and sometimes for some people that means orienting yourself so you can look around the space and look up look to the left look to the right and really pay attention to certain things maybe if you're inside you're noticing the walls the ceiling the windows you're noticing so right now i'm in the living room so i'm noticing and it's an open kitchen so i'm noticing the kitchen counter the chairs around my feet on the ground so just just really sense the space and you can even tell yourself i am so you can say i'm going to say i am alessandrina you know you say your name and today is you know april the 21st and i'm in new york or i'm in sedona or wherever you are and you can even say your age and that helps you to become more present to right here right now and then if you can kind of like sense for something in your environment that is delightful something that brings you that sense of just yeah delight so for me right now i'm looking at the candle next to me and and the candle is like turquoise blue so it reminds me i we lived in miami for 25 years so it reminds me of miami and the beautiful turquoise waters so just find something that helps you to really feel safe in this space and then like we did in the first practice if you'll sense like support on the chair or the sofa or the bed that you're sitting or lying on and just see if that sense of support allows you to kind of soften and yield more like really feel your sit bones sinking in you're sinking in you're surrendering your weight is surrendering to gravity and you can either have a soft gaze like we practiced earlier on soft and open gaze or you can close your eyes and if you have a soft and open gaze as you do maybe you also focus on a point so that your attention can also not waver too much you're aware of the environment and you're also present present with my voice present with yourself present with your body and if a breath wants to come and release you can go and if that leads you to close your eyes you can close your eyes and bring your awareness to the center of your body so that would be your throat your chest your stomach your belly and that is where a lot of the felt sense resides it's not all of it that said a lot of our emotions a lot of the felt sense that we have about the things our experiences our thoughts relationships a lot of that is lives in that space so just allow yourself to move there and sense for what's already there so you're tracking like somatic markers or cues of something being there something that you're holding you just become aware of that you don't have to change it just being with it and stay connected with the felt sense of that inner experience that you're having and you can even in your own words internally describe to yourself what you're sensing and you can you can go ahhhhhh And if that leads you to close your eyes,

You can close your eyes And bring your awareness to the center of your body So that would be your throat,

Your chest,

Your stomach,

Your belly And that is where a lot of the felt sense resides It's not all of it,

That said,

A lot of our emotions,

A lot of the felt sense that we have About the things,

Our experiences,

Our thoughts,

Relationships A lot of that lives in that space So just allow yourself to move there And sense for what's already there So you're tracking like somatic markers or cues of something being there Something that you're holding Just become aware of that You don't have to change it,

Just being with it And stay connected with the felt sense of that inner experience that you're having And you can even,

In your own words,

Internally describe to yourself what you're sensing And you can use the language of something in me is So you could say,

Something in my belly feels a little tight Or something in my heart feels like there's a weight sitting on it Or I am sensing that my breathing is not as free As it was a moment ago And it can also be a positive experience,

So you can sense something that feels good too That's totally okay,

Just like we turn towards something of delight to resource ourselves To begin with,

You can turn towards a felt sense that is supportive That feels good That's also developing more self in presence by doing that And now as you sense what you feel inside yourself And you stay connected with your felt sense If you'll bring up a situation,

A time recently Where you heard the harsh voice of your inner critic It came up And please just stay at the edge of that You don't have to turn the volume all the way up Imagine you have a knob Or,

No,

It's not a knob,

Just the arrows And just click down on the arrows,

Turn the volume down And just like,

You know,

You can hear it Okay,

It's there You can hear that harsh voice,

It was there And just stay at the edge Again,

Not full volume,

Just stay at the edge of your inner critic And as you connect to that,

Again,

Do a body scan Go inside And notice,

Especially in that central channel Like the throat,

The chest,

The stomach and the belly Even the pelvic floor What's going on there?

Like,

Where is that inner critic that was saying those things the other day Or earlier today,

Or just even now,

Maybe saying something Like,

Where does it live in my body?

And what does it feel like?

Just notice And be curious Try to soften and again yield into the support of the chair And try to see if you can be with that And you might say,

Something in me is feeling critical Or something in me is being judgmental Or I am sensing something in me that sounds really harsh So whether that's present time or you're bringing something from the past into the present Just like,

Cultivate being with that inner critic And using the focusing language Something in me,

Or I am sensing something in me And right now we're just focusing on that's being critical Or that's being harsh,

Or that sounds harsh Or you can even say,

Something in me is saying,

Like You're not good enough Or you're not doing this right Whatever it's saying Just be with it Use the focusing presence language And track the somatic sensations Track what's happening inside your body And also,

Maybe as you're doing that Realize,

I am the space Where all of these parts,

Including the critical part Can be,

As they are So you are the space So now you're developing some self in presence You're opening up You're making space And notice if that created a shift In your somatic experience,

In your felt sense Is it different now that you know that this part is there You're calling it something in you,

It's now the whole of you And there's also,

You are the space Where this part and all the other parts Can be exactly as they are And maybe you're noticing a sense of spaciousness And maybe you're realizing that you are this vast container You're not the inner critic You're not what the inner critic is saying You're this vast container where the inner critic can exist Other things can exist And you can welcome them all And hear and be with them all Without trying to change them And just that,

Naturally,

Gradually Leads to a softening So I'll just close this part of the process by saying When you accept what is right here,

Right now And give it space to be exactly as it is You feel less identified with it Less merged with it Less overwhelmed by it You stay regulated Your nervous system stays regulated And as a result These dysregulated neural pathways That the inner critic is It's a dysregulation that was learned They can start,

Over time,

Through practice and repetition To dissolve And the changes that you've been wanting to experience They can happen without force So I would love to hear your reflections on this experience And any questions And then I'm going to just share quickly Some of the neuroscience There was research by two people Lieberman and colleagues So Lieberman and colleagues at UCLA That showed that when you use the phrase Something in me It activates a different part of the brain Than when you say I am or I feel And it also showed that When you label an emotional state Instead of just feeling it You are actually creating a separation Between,

Again,

The observer and the experience And that reduces the activity in the amygdala Which is the threat detection center in the brain And then what Ann Weiser Cornell From Inner Relationship Focusing My teacher This is what she calls self in presence It's a state that the nervous system Can be in or not be in So it's basically If you have been part of my Coregulation,

Neuromodulation And self-regulation workshops The lives that we had here on Inside Timer You will have learned that This is what's called ventral vagal energy It's when we're in the social engagement system And we're available Our prefrontal cortex is online We're available for relationship And that is the state of self in presence We're available to ourselves,

To our parts and to others When you are in that state You are curious about your inner critic When you are not in that state When you're merged with your inner critic And what it's saying Your inner critic's reality becomes your reality And there's no focusing happening there Because now you've forgotten everything else that you are Everything else that's possible The only thing that is playing out Is that old track of I am this And all of the associated memories That you have from the past of having Supposedly been that So if we feel small,

If we feel not good enough If we feel unlovable,

If we feel unworthy That's not going to be just in that moment We're actually bringing up the content Of all the times that we felt that way And if we don't use the presence language The focusing language of something in me Or I am sensing something in me Then we are back in the experience Of all of those You know Wounding and difficult times That we had when we came up with those beliefs About ourselves So I see a lot of hearts,

Thank you so much Robert said he found this very informative Thank you Robert And Tani said a lot to think about And she's saying thank you too,

You're so welcome Yes,

It's a lot to think about And more than to think about It's a lot to practice differently Because the thinking and the insight Doesn't lead to actually the brain changing And I'm not saying Don't think about it I'm just saying and then practice it Because that's the only way that we change Because that's the only way that all of these emotional You know Basically responses That we have in relationship To the inner critic And the way that the inner critic Plays out I've got my train of thought Because I'm trying to read the messages At the same time So that's how we start to untangle And then change things So let's see Marjorie It's Anne Weiser Cornell Anne A N N I'll put it in the chat Anne Weiser Cornell Okay I'm going to catch up with the chat And then we're going to continue We're going to do one more practice I know I'm running late I always do Because I like to interact with you And to answer your comments That said we're going to do just one more practice So Julie is saying My seventeen year old daughter Was not able to go to school today Because of her inner critic I plan to share with her what I learned from you Thank you We live in a world where Most people have social anxiety There are a lot of things If you want to send me an email Separately through the platform Sometimes it takes me time Because I'm busy to answer That said I can point you to different things Even certain herbal remedies If she's open to that That really help and are not harmful For social anxiety I'm ODHD so I have a lot of social anxiety too So I can completely relate I'm so grateful that I have the practices That I have so that it doesn't Actually completely overwhelm me And overwhelm my process of life So please reach out Julie Truly I want to help Nikki is saying such a beautiful practice Wonderful you're so welcome So Jodi At this time no Because I'm just so busy I'm actually creating a documentary on trauma right now So that's taking up a lot of time And I just finished a new course on inside timer You might want to look that one up It's for nervous system regulation And that's also very helpful That said You can look up what Anne is doing Anne Weiser Cornell She has incredible courses Very simple ones so you can learn more from her PC is saying thank you so much That would be a great skill to teach kids For sure Jude I so agree with you I wish that was like One of these things that we have to learn Ok Julie I look forward to your email What are the herbal remedies Shelley if you go to my blog So through this dashboard You can see our website If you go to my blog you can find The herbal remedies that I recommend For social anxiety I have one in particular or just email me Yeah It would make a world of difference For kids self esteem for sure I really like focusing And I'm glad to hear you talking about it Yes Jodi I love focusing too I learned about focusing About 18 months ago And I'm taking a lot of different trainings With Anne Weiser Cornell And I find it to be really helpful Annette Dubrell An IT teacher has a basic focusing practice Awesome track on IT Check that one out And I might also create something I think I might have some of my latest tracks Probably if you look at some of them They might also have integrated Some of that language Because once you learn that language You don't go back For those of you who can still stick around Again my apologies for running so late We're just going to do one more practice And then we'll finish And any donations are appreciated If you're able to donate for this live So let me choose the practice So I have acknowledging the protector Ok I think we're going to do this one Which is Compassionate dialogue And getting in touch with the benevolent Intentions of your inner critic I think that's a great way to end Ok so let's do that So in focusing We always start the same way We allow ourselves Thank you so much Jodi for the donation Really appreciate it We start by sensing our environment Feeling safe in our environment And then we start to feel the support of the chair Or the sofa or the bed we're on So that we give our body cues of safety Like I was saying In polyvagal theory The state of self in presence is actually Ventral vagal Ventral vagal is a social engagement system We don't socially engage unless we feel safe And we need to give our bodies enough cues of safety To feel safe So we're going to do that one more time One thing that's really also useful If you remember how deep you went In a prior practice You can bring yourself back now To that level of relaxation By simply remembering Oh that's what that felt like Bring it into your awareness If you've done some of my meditations You might have noticed that I In the past was creating a lot of anchors I was telling you anchor this state Remember this state so you can come back to it When I learned past life regression and hypnosis From Dr.

Brian Weiss One of the beautiful things that he taught me And that never left me Was if you come out of the state Because we go very deep We go into theta brainwaves Even delta brainwaves sometimes When we go into past life regressions Which is why the content of our mind opens up And we're able to access just so much information That wouldn't otherwise be available to us Let's say there's a sound in the environment And it takes us out Or something intense that we're processing takes us out He said remember where you were Right before and get right back there And when you start to develop that neural pathway Of doing that you can do it every time You can remember how relaxed you were And how deep you were And you don't have to go back Because progressive relaxations by the way In past life regressions are very long Some people even on this platform Are like wow that was just way too long For beginners that's what it takes To get them to that semi-hypnotic state Where they can be so relaxed That they can access really deep content So try to remember If you got deep in the last practice And see if you can bring yourself back To that state if you can And still connect to your environment Just be relaxed Remember how relaxed you were And look around and look for cues of safety And things that are delightful So for instance I just looked outside And here spring is full on in Sedona Because we've had incredible weather all winter And so it's like flowers everywhere And the leaves are dancing And there's birds and hummingbirds And butterflies I'm just looking at that And the beautiful blue sky And I just feel my heart open And I feel safe So whatever it is for you in your environment right now Just connect to something And then again feel the support of your chair Allow yourself to sit in your chair And yield into the support Let the earth hold you Realizing you're not alone You don't have to have it all together And hold it all together You can be held You can be supported Just allow yourself to settle into that And once you're there If you'll bring again You can have the gaze soft and open Or you can close your eyes And then bring your awareness to the center of your body Your throat Your chest Your stomach and your belly And just hang out there for a while Just feel what you feel there Just noticing And noticing that whatever you feel is just something in you It's not the whole of you It's not the whole of your experience It's something in you And like I mentioned before It doesn't have to be something unpleasant It can be actually something supportive Strengthening That gives you a sense of capacity Just notice Notice what you notice And just allow yourself to be with that for a moment And notice what's already here And now,

Like we did last time Bring back a memory Of when that harsh Voice When your inner critic Was present And again,

Just at the edge of it You don't have to turn the volume all the way up Just very low Just let yourself hear it And also notice what's happening in your sauna In your body And realize that you're making contact With your inner critic right now And this is a very sacred relationship That you're developing Of making contact with it And maybe when you turn down the volume And when you're right at the edge of it It's easier to make contact with it And to get to know it To be curious about it Because it doesn't overwhelm you It doesn't take over So at whichever level At whichever distance is the right distance for you Just let yourself be In presence With your inner critic And as you do You might say to it I know you're there Or I see you there And if it helps If you don't feel that you can say that I know you're there I see you're there Even that is too activating for you You can maybe Say something in me is So as you're speaking about the inner critic And you're hearing what it's saying You can say something in me is saying Or something in me is being critical Something in me is being harsh And that may create a little bit of distance Between you and it It might start to Soften it You might feel more spacious And then maybe you can say Hello I see you there Or hello I know you're there And you can place a hand Somewhere that feels supportive to you I love to place my hands on my heart Sometimes one on my heart,

One on my belly Which is by the way very regulating And then as you make contact With that voice With that inner critic Just let it tell you What it's saying And you might say to it Might you be worried about something Or Might you be trying to protect me From something Or Might you be wanting something For me That is not here right now And And notice what's happening in your soul now Not trying to Get it to tell you what it's worried about Or what it wants for you Or what it's trying to protect you from You're simply starting a dialogue You're entering in relationship With your inner critic And it might be the first time in your life You've done that Might be the first time that you've slowed down enough And you've quiet your mind enough And you've created enough inner space To be with it To actually hear that it's not trying to hurt you Or to harm you Or to berate you To believe that it actually has good intentions for you And so just listen Listen with your body,

Listen with your heart Listen with your mind,

With your gut With your nervous system Listen with all of you Listen to what it's been trying to tell you And you may sense a shift Maybe a softening Maybe some kind of release Maybe it becomes easier to breathe Maybe your belly relaxes Maybe your heart is not so tight Maybe you feel more upright Maybe your shoulders relax down Just notice what's happening inside of you As you make contact And how do you know that something is shifted?

How do you know something is different inside of you?

Notice that,

That's important How do we know?

And if you notice something You might say something in me feels more relaxed Something in my chest has opened Something in my belly is more expanded Something in my breath is more soft and open Just notice and be with it And if that feels available to you You may want to tell the inner critic Thank you I see you,

I hear you I see your good intentions for me I want to get to know you Just see if that's If you have that space in that relationship It might not be there yet,

It might take more time More trust to develop before you can do that That's it,

Know that that's available And know in your heart That your inner critic is Always trying to protect you from Shame,

From abandonment From rejection From a sense of failure Of not being good enough Not being lovable Being abandoned,

Being rejected So just know that Like really anchor Integrate that knowing in your heart That's why you speak so loud That's why you tell me those things And see if that awareness creates More safety More of a sense of well-being And if that opens you To your relationship with your inner critic Even more And you might also As we end,

Say I understand you've been working so hard To keep me safe And I so appreciate you And I thank you And take a moment To be with yourself To be with your felt sense To rest And notice what is different What has shifted And I would love to hear In the chat What was your experience How was it for you What did you learn about your inner critic Was it easy to make contact Was it easy to start to listen Were you able to turn down the volume So Karen is saying Very beautiful practices Something in me felt a little uncomfortable With the inner critic Perhaps I need more time Absolutely Do you think self-sabotage Is linked to the inner critic So self-sabotage And not everyone will agree with that That is just my opinion And my understanding There's no self-sabotage It doesn't exist There's just parts that have different motivations And one part is saying I want to do this And the other part is saying Absolutely not By the way If we say self-sabotage That doesn't feel good Telling ourselves that we're sabotaging ourselves That is not going to lead to expansion And to us feeling good about ourselves That's language that exists Everyone is using that Self-sabotage doesn't exist Anyone who does part works Any type of part work Whether it's IFS Part work The focusing of course Gestalt It's just fragmentation We're fragmented We have different parts They want different things They have different agendas And therefore It's not self-sabotage That might be an inner critic Saying self-sabotage What is it trying to protect you from?

So Karen Of course it's not going to feel comfortable Because if you have a lot of associated pain With hearing that voice And if it's kept you feeling small If it's kept you feeling unable to do certain things If it's kept you not feeling good about yourself You're not going to want to go anywhere near the inner critic It's like oh my god That said the inner critic The more you get to know it The more it can heal This is the term of IFS Unburdened,

Be unburdened It's not the term of focusing That said it can open up and it can feel safe Saying oh I don't need to do this anymore It's like the memo We got the memo The pattern has changed by itself Through awareness,

Through self-awareness Through self-agency Rather than through the punishing harsh voice That we've internalized I hope that's helpful Karen Take all your time Practice,

Practice,

Practice I really hope that this is going to be available on InsideTimer As a recording And therefore that you can practice Please do check out Annette Dubrel On IT for her basic focusing practice And then I'll see when I have time to create something too Jeannie says That's wonderful Deep body floating around into another state I love that Jeannie I get the same when I do focusing Anybody else wants to share anything Before we close,

Any questions I didn't get to share all the science That said,

Because we're allowed to say That you can go on our profile You can go to my blog And on my blog this week I'm going to write an article Based on this live On focusing and on the inner critic So that might be something helpful And then when I have time I'll record a meditation Karen,

Can you share her name please Thank you so much Are you talking about the teacher that Jeannie talked about Annette Dubrel If you look up,

Like 23 minutes ago Jeannie shared her name And says that she has a practice Here on InsideTimer And if that's not what you mean,

Tell me what you mean And then Marjorie said Mine said it was trying to encourage and motivate me Beautiful,

Exactly And there's other ways to be motivated And encourage That we might feel a bit more relaxed And that might actually Allow us to be more capable Not to say,

Again Encouragement and motivation are great Maybe not the harsh language It only knows the harsh language of my parents Who also wanted the best for me And that's what they learned If you want to get something and get the best out of you You've got to speak harshly to yourself And it's the contrary Speaking harshly to ourselves Actually contracts us Gets us to feel small Gets us to feel less capable And therefore we're not empowered To actually live at our highest And to express our potential So that's my experience We only got to do 3 practices out of the 6 I had That said that's not uncommon for me I had such a wonderful time with you And all the comments And the wonderful engagement And the 2,

220 hearts And they keep going up If you like this live please donate That allows me to continue to make time Because it's a lot of preparation It's a lot of time also doing the lives And also promoting the lives on social media So your donations really help with that And I look forward to seeing you next month If you can make it Next month we're going to work with breathwork Also for emotional regulation I can't remember the exact name of the live That said we'll do all kinds of breathwork One of my teachers Is Dr.

Ariel Schwartz Of course I learned breathwork I studied with a yogi With a swami from India 25 years ago So I have a lot of practices And if you love breathwork There's an incredible book by Iyengar I can't remember what the name is But there's only one on the breath And it's brilliant It's for people who want to dive deep And we're going to talk about all of that And work with that Jodi said it was amazing Thank you so much I feel a fraction of hope And I haven't felt that in a while I'm so happy to hear that Jodi Keep going I can only tell you from my personal experience My inner critic used to be Through the roof On a 1 to 10 Level 10 Cranked up all the time And my relationship with my inner critic Has completely changed And it's allowing me to be gentle with myself And to meet myself in a way That I'm empowered to do the things That I want to do And also enjoy myself more Much love everyone Thank you so much for joining I'm so grateful for all of you