10 Signs You're Texting A Narcissist

If you're relying on texts to get to know someone before meeting them, here are 10 signs you might be texting someone who lacks empathy, feel entitled, and sees others as pawn pieces rather than autonomous human beings deserving of mutual respect.

Transcript

So,

Today we're going to be talking about the texting signs that someone is wasting your time.

In the world of dating,

It can be really confusing.

These days,

Many of us rely on texting to get to know someone,

But I am the mother of six children,

Three of my own children,

And my husband has three children.

Together,

We make up the Brady Bunch.

We have children who are 35 or 36 to 24.

We have seen,

My husband and I have watched our children go through the dating scene and have to struggle through this texting thing to get to know someone.

I wanted to create a session around some of the things that you can look for to help you weed out the people that you have begun texting with so that you know whether or not someone is wasting your time.

Back when I was dating,

We used to actually get on the phone and talk to someone.

When you actually talk to someone on the phone,

There's a lot that you can learn.

You can listen to their pitch.

You can listen to the sound of their voice.

You can get a sense that someone is perhaps even not telling you the whole truth.

Just by the way they speak to you,

You might be able to pick up on something that you might not pick up with on a text or pick up on a text.

My recommendation is,

Whenever possible,

Start talking to someone on the phone as soon as possible and even before you meet them.

That's just my opinion.

I wanted to talk about some of the things that you need to look out for if you are in the dating scene,

Especially if you're middle aged.

This is all new to you.

You're newly divorced and suddenly you're in this dating pool.

You're middle aged and you're like,

What the heck?

And now rather than call and meet someone face to face,

Rather than call and actually talk to someone,

We find ourselves relying on our smartphones to engage in conversations.

I wanted to create this session around what you need to be on the lookout for so you don't waste your pretty.

You don't waste your handsome.

You don't waste your time,

Which is all you really have,

Texting people who may or may not be interested.

This is going to require a lot of self accountability,

A lot of self reflection and a lot of self control because when it comes to texting,

It could be instant gratification that you're looking for.

It could be the anticipation of someone texting you back.

We all know that the little ding that we receive whenever we get a text message is addictive.

The lonelier we are and the more alone we feel and the more we crave a relationship,

The more of a danger it is for us to cling when we should instead let go.

And if you are struggling with symptoms of codependency where you worry more about what other people think about you,

Texting is a really slippery slope because you're not dealing with someone who's standing in front of you.

You're not reading their body language.

If there's a long pause and you're on the phone with someone,

It's obviously awkward and something's up.

Or if you're in a relationship with someone,

You're sitting in the car with them and things get awkward,

At least you can say,

Wow,

That was awkward.

But texting leaves so much into question.

We're left to like,

What is he thinking or what is she thinking,

Which is a tremendous vat of quagmire for someone who struggles with codependency.

Someone who struggles with codependency is someone who worries way too much about what other people think about them than what they think about themselves.

And so you're someone who struggles with a sense of self.

You're someone who is accustomed to one way relationships.

You're used to acquiescing and subjugating your needs for the sake of others.

At the crux of it,

You fear abandonment and you fear abandonment because you've been abandoned.

You've either been physically abandoned,

Mentally or emotionally or psychologically abandoned early on in life between the ages of zero and seven in most cases.

And you can experience abandonment later on also.

But these are the years that your brain is being wired for socialization.

These are the years when you need to develop an ego boundary or a sense of self.

And by the time we're three,

Four,

Five years old,

We should have some idea of a self and that the self in the best case scenario,

The self that we think we are even unconsciously is good,

Is worthy and is valid.

And if you are someone who grew up feeling like,

I don't know if I'm valid,

I don't feel valid,

I don't feel good enough,

I feel broken,

I don't know who I am,

And you're out and about and you're dating and you're trying to find a divine mate and you are pulled into this new world of technology,

Texting can be a true crazy making situation.

So I want to have a very real conversation with you.

I want to have a tough love conversation with you because you don't need someone to sugar coat it.

You don't need someone to tell you that you should hold on when you shouldn't hold on.

You need someone to help you really see things to what they are.

And so I don't say anything from a place of wanting to embarrass anyone.

It's really a place of,

Can we have a real conversation about this and are you willing to see this and are you willing to let this go because it's just not enough,

Because you are enough and you deserve more.

And can you sit in the place of,

I deserve more,

Even when you're receiving breadcrumbs.

Now for someone who has never really had a full meal,

Breadcrumbs look pretty good.

I know that that's the way I lived my life.

I was so accustomed to not feeling loved and not feeling seen that when a boy paid attention to me,

It was like,

I'm in.

My first boyfriend,

My first serious boyfriend,

No joke,

Used to time me.

I would get home from school.

He lived a few blocks away and he would say,

Okay,

I'm going to give you five minutes to get here and I'd throw my books onto my bed and I would run out there hoping that I could make it there in four minutes and 55 seconds just to prove how much I loved him.

And hopefully he would say,

Good girl,

Lisa,

See,

You are worthy of my love.

Crazy,

Crazy.

But that's the way I used to live.

And it took me a long time to realize that that was dysfunctional,

That acquiescing to the needs of other people,

Me proving myself worthy of this boy.

And I did it over and over and over again in my life until I finally realized that I was codependent and I was living below the veil of consciousness and I got real.

And it was through the ability to see what was really going on and holding myself accountable and realizing that I was a love addict.

I craved these relationships.

I was addicted to relationships and very much like a drug,

I needed to be in a relationship.

I felt empty,

Hopeless,

Worthless,

And I didn't know how to function outside of people pleasing and thinking about someone else.

I didn't know how to think about myself.

I didn't know how to do something for myself.

I only knew this crazy way of being,

Which was,

No,

You matter.

No,

No,

No,

You matter.

Let me figure out what you need and let me give it to you.

That's my role in life is to just be a doormat and be everything that you need.

And it's a very sad reality to live in,

But once you realize it,

You can awaken.

So let's talk about some of the signs.

I wrote down 10,

10 signs that someone is wasting your time through texting.

So the first sign is that you were chasing the thread.

So in other words,

You start texting someone and you realize that unless you text them back,

They don't text you back.

So you're chasing the thread,

Right?

So it's a one way texting situation.

So it's not fluid and you feel like if you didn't text this person back,

You hear yourself wondering,

Would they even care?

Like am I on their radar?

How invested is this person in trying to get to know me?

Now when you're in a relationship with someone and,

Or at least beginning a relationship with someone,

And if they're interested,

They act like it.

And if this person is worth your time,

Then they don't make you chase them,

Right?

So you get the sense that they're very interested,

Even in texts.

And so you feel that it's fluid,

But a sign that you're wasting your time texting someone early on is that you're the one chasing the thread.

You have to be honest with yourself.

Am I chasing this bumper?

I remember Oprah Winfrey sharing a story one time where she was either metaphorically saying that she did it or maybe she did it,

I don't know.

But I remember the story years and years and years ago with her talking about how she used to chase after men.

And so if you are a chaser and you feel like you're chasing a thread,

Then you have to be honest with yourself,

Dear one.

And you have to say to yourself,

No more.

Leave it right where it is.

Because as long as you keep giving your energy to this,

It's like you're giving your energy to a black hole and there are people that enjoy being chased.

And if they're making you chase them in a text,

They're going to make you chase after their love.

And that's just no bueno.

You deserve more.

The next sign that someone's wasting your time is that they never answer your texts.

So you send a text and it takes days for them to answer it or a day.

And if someone really was interested in you,

I mean,

Give me a break.

These days,

Who's not without their cell phone?

Oh,

OK.

There are people that aren't attached to their cell phones and I say kudos to them.

And I believe that there is a portion of society where their cell phones just aren't important to them.

One of my daughters,

When she's working,

Her cell phone is in the bedroom and she works from home and she does not use her cell phone when she's working.

And I think that's great.

And there are people like that.

But generally speaking,

When you're in the dating scene and you are on dating apps and you're trying to get to know people,

At least try to date people,

I would say more often than not,

Your phone is probably close.

And there's really no reason to wait a day or two or a week to answer a text.

So if you are dealing with someone who simply doesn't respond to your text,

Like I said earlier,

This is someone who either wants you to chase them or who's not interested.

So don't invest your time in someone that isn't interested.

Would you spend your money at a restaurant if the waitress and the owners made you wait hours to sit at a table and there was no one in the place?

They just didn't care whether you stayed or you went.

Probably not.

You'd probably say to yourself,

You know what,

I can take my money and I can go down the street where it will be appreciated.

So think of it that way.

If someone doesn't text you back,

Don't waste your time.

If you walk into a restaurant and your money isn't appreciated,

Don't waste your time.

Take yourself and take your money someplace else.

So think of it that way.

So number three,

The never asks you questions about yourself.

So if you're in a texting situation,

You've just met someone and you find that they're not curious about who you are,

This person is not interested.

This person wants to be chased or maybe they're texting you because they're hoping that it will lead to a physical relationship,

But they're not interested in you if they're not asking questions.

Think about it.

When you meet someone and you want to know that person,

How do you do that?

You ask them questions.

Where did you grow up?

What school did you go to?

What's your favorite food?

What kind of music do you listen to?

What do you do in your spare time?

Things like this.

What interests you?

Do you have any hobbies?

So now when I meet you,

Now I'm getting a picture of who you are because I care about you.

And so if you're texting someone and one of my kids is going through this right now and that's her complaint,

She's like,

This guy doesn't ask me anything about myself.

I've asked 10 different questions.

He said he had a dog.

I said,

What kind of a dog?

How old is the dog?

Do you board the dog?

Where do you board the dog?

What kind of food do you give the dog?

All these questions about the dog.

And he knows I have a dog,

But he doesn't ask me anything about my dog.

He doesn't ask me anything about my job.

It's like he's answering texts,

Answering questions that I ask,

But he's not curious about me.

In my opinion,

This is a dangerous sign.

This is a huge red flag.

You are talking to someone who might be talking to 10 other people and unless this person is really interested in you,

They're not going to ask you direct questions about your life because they just don't care.

And that's okay.

That doesn't make this person a narcissist.

It just means that this person is not your person.

And you want to make sure that if you're struggling with codependency and you're struggling with low self esteem or you're struggling with loneliness,

That you don't accept this,

That you don't chase this because it's so easy to chase this when you are struggling with feelings of abandonment,

Loneliness,

And you exhibit codependent behaviors.

So don't tolerate it.

Number four,

The conversations are flat.

So maybe he does or she does ask you a question back,

But you feel like there's no color,

There's no flavor to the conversation.

There's no joking around in the conversation.

It's almost like interview style.

So the relationship is missing that indescribable something,

That little sparkle,

That magical sense that you have that you have met someone who's interested in you,

Who's interesting,

That you find incredibly interesting as well and you can tell that they find you interesting.

It's indescribable when you happen upon that type of a friendship or you're texting someone like that.

So the conversations don't feel robotic,

Almost like a bot could be answering your texts.

If you feel like a bot could be answering your texts,

That's a bad sign.

So another sign that you're wasting your time is that they never answer your questions.

So you ask them a question and what time do you get off from work or what are you doing this weekend and they don't answer that question.

They might answer the text,

But you'll notice that this person isn't answering the question.

That's weird.

Again,

My daughter just went through this and when she told me and I thought,

That is a red flag.

She's like time and time again,

I'm asking this guy direct questions and it's not like he doesn't text me back,

But when he texts me back,

I'm noticing that he's not answering the questions,

Not questions about the relationship,

How long he's been alone,

What he's doing this weekend,

What his plans are.

On top of everything,

You want to make sure that you're not chasing after someone who can't even answer your question because you have to ask yourself,

Why aren't they answering the question?

It's not like you missed the question in a long thread or a long post that you sent someone.

It's that the question is absolutely being avoided and you're seeing a pattern in that in the text.

It's a huge red flag that this person's wasting your time.

There has to be a reason and if someone wants you to get to know them,

They're going to answer your questions because they want you to feel comfortable.

They want you to feel heard.

They want you to feel like the questions you're asking are important to them.

Yes,

Even in a text.

So be careful if the person completely avoids your questions.

Another sign that the texting is going nowhere is that this person only calls you when he needs something.

So maybe he needs a ride home from a bar or maybe she needs a ride home from the bus station or maybe it's just about the good old booty call.

So this person,

It's the middle of the night and this person wants something from you and you have a pattern of running to drive them somewhere,

Being their Uber driver,

Watching their kids so that they can go to the store.

You don't know if they're going to the store.

They could be out there and meet somebody else,

Dear one.

I mean,

Can we be real?

This happens.

This happens,

Especially when we avoid the red flags.

And so when you're dealing with someone who you know through text,

Only texts you and is only kind,

It is only sweet,

Love bombing you when they want something,

This is a sign that this person is wasting your time.

And this is a sign that you can see in a text message.

So if this person generally ignores you,

Doesn't want to get to know you,

Takes hours or days to text you back,

Doesn't ask you questions,

Doesn't answer your questions,

But you see that you're being love bombed and lured in with some fancy talk.

And what happens next when you respond is the good old,

This is what I want from you.

You have to see that as a pattern and you have to see that as a red flag.

And again,

It's not easy to see red flags when you have been abandoned,

When you have been abused by someone who has high narcissistic traits because you doubt yourself.

So it's important.

If you grow up with nothing but red flags in your life,

Like there are no boundaries in your childhood,

There was no respect in your childhood,

People were just yelling at each other,

Ignoring one another,

Stonewalling one another,

Lots of projection and lots of rage,

Lots of anger.

No it's not going to be so easy for you to see that this love bombing,

Which feels so good even in a text is luring you down an empty alleyway.

You're being used in this situation.

So it takes a lot of courage to see that and to cut it off.

I myself,

When I think back to what I tolerated,

It's like I shake in my head,

Like what,

What,

What,

What did I put up with?

What?

It just boggles my mind.

And I have nothing but empathy and compassion for that young woman who thought that's all she was worthy of.

And I know that lots of my clients and lots of the people that come through my Facebook group and who take my coaching programs,

This is their reality too.

What we put up with is ridiculous,

Ridiculous.

And this goes for men and it goes for women.

What we tolerate inside of relationships is unacceptable.

And so much of it can be traced back to never feeling like we had any worth and to feeling like,

Well,

Breadcrumbs are better than the whole meal.

At least I got something,

You know?

He's a narcissist,

But at least he's my narcissist.

At least I'm not alone for Christmas.

At least I got somebody by my side.

Really?

Really?

You know,

Remember that what you believe that you are worthy of is what you will receive.

And so that goes down to belief and a belief can be changed.

And so it's worth questioning what we believe about relationships and what we believe about our worth and what we believe about what we should be putting up with.

And your life will not change until you start questioning those beliefs.

Because I can tell you that I've come out the other side of it.

It wasn't easy to confront that wounded person inside of me that put up with so much and required so little and gave so much,

Right?

It wasn't easy to face.

I was white knuckling it,

Right?

Like,

What do you mean I have to let this go?

It's all I've ever known.

It's all I've ever known.

But when you're starving,

You're starving,

That breadcrumb looks really,

Really good,

Right?

And then someone like me comes along and says,

If that's all you eat,

That's all you accept.

And there's so much more.

You have to have faith in something unseen,

Right?

You have to believe that you could have more and that you're worth more.

And that takes a lot of courage.

So please don't ignore that red flag if you believe you see a pattern of someone ignoring you,

Blowing you off,

And all of a sudden they text you when they need something.

Please don't ignore that red sign.

So the other sign that this relationship is going nowhere is that you only receive yes or no answers,

Right?

So you're dealing with someone who doesn't invest in the conversation.

You're dealing with someone who is very passive,

Right?

Not that yes or no is passive aggressive,

But it kind of is,

Right?

So if I ask you,

Do you have plans this weekend?

And you write,

Yes.

What the hell does that mean?

Okay,

You've got plans this weekend,

But we're trying to date,

I think.

And we're trying to get this relationship off the ground,

So I think.

And I think you are too,

Because you do text me.

It's so confusing.

If you're not interested,

Then say so.

I'd rather be ghosted than to have someone send me yes or no text messages,

Because it's so confusing.

So in a way it is kind of passive aggressive,

Right?

And so if someone only answers your questions with yes or no,

Did you sleep well?

Yes.

Did you sleep well?

No.

And there's no follow through.

For instance,

Did you sleep well?

No,

Not really.

I really didn't sleep well.

My neighbors have a dog.

I was up all night.

I had a little bit of caffeine,

A little bit too late.

How about you?

So they don't answer the question outside of yes or no,

And they don't follow up the question with an inquiring question about you and how you did.

This is a pure indicator that this person isn't that interested and not into really wanting to get to know you.

Again,

Does this make this person a narcissist?

Could make them highly immature,

Right?

Not ready.

The person's got a bunch of feelers out there.

Personally,

I think there are way too many options out there today for lots of us,

And so it can be difficult,

Right?

But it's our job to really vet these people.

So again,

We have six kids.

I've seen my kids go through this.

One of my children is going through this right now,

And it breaks my heart that every time she starts texting someone,

She's texting someone with the intention of seeing where it's going to go.

But this person that she texts tends to be someone who doesn't text back.

And so then the answer is,

How long are you going to tolerate this person just giving you one word answers,

Not being inquisitive,

Showing absolutely zero interest?

How long are you going to tolerate that?

So this is going to come back to me saying,

I don't care how long I've been alone.

I don't care how lonely I am.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I'm not putting up with this.

I always say,

You can be miserable all by yourself.

That was a huge aha moment for me,

Right?

When I realized that I was a codependent slash love addict in my situation,

I realized like,

Wow,

I would rather be miserable and alone than miserable because someone's making me miserable because at least if I'm the source of my own misery,

I have complete control over that.

I can work on myself.

I can invest in myself,

Right?

I could read books.

I can journal.

I can meditate.

I can go walk in nature.

I can go to the beach.

I can go hang out.

I could wake up when I want,

Go to bed when I want,

Eat what I want,

Learn about what I want.

I'm not answering to anybody.

So when I realized,

Lisa,

Let this go,

Like,

You know,

You're so much better off being alone than tolerating this.

It was a huge turning point in my life.

And so if you are dealing with someone that only gives you yes or no answers,

That's a sign this person's not invested and a sign that you need to really see that,

Um,

As a red flag.

So the next thing is,

Is that I love this one.

It's so common today.

You know what I'm going to say?

I'm sure when you are dealing with someone who texts you intimate pictures of body parts,

You don't know this person.

This person isn't interested in you or they're asking you to send them inch,

Uh,

Intimate body pics.

Right?

So right away,

It's about what you look like.

It's right away.

It's like very sexual right away.

It's very flirty.

This person doesn't want to get to know you not that way.

Only only a certain way.

Right?

And like I said,

If you're somebody who is hungry for attention and hungry for love,

You know,

How many of us look for love in all the wrong places,

Especially women,

You know,

How many of us settle for sexual relationships versus really vulnerable and intimate committed relationships?

How many of us do that?

We don't have to.

We really don't have to.

But again,

When we think about growing up starved for love,

Growing up starved for affection,

And then all of a sudden someone says to us,

Here,

Here's a breadcrumb.

It's hard to pass that breadcrumb up,

Right?

We want a committed relationship.

We don't want to be just seen for our body.

We don't want to be in a relationship with someone purely for sex.

We want something more.

We want the whole package.

But it's really difficult when someone is telling us that we're beautiful and someone's telling us that,

You know,

We're the greatest thing that they've ever known.

We're so different,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

All the things that a highly narcissistic chameleon would say to someone.

It's really hard sometimes to like not believe it,

Even though our instincts like,

Oh,

This isn't good,

This guy's moving too fast,

This girl is moving too fast,

Or whatever.

It's really hard to say,

No,

I don't want that.

I want something more.

But if you notice that you start texting someone,

And right away it's about the way that you look or it's about the way that he looks or vice versa,

And it gets really,

Really crazy,

Crazy sexual right away,

This is a sign that this person is not interested in getting to know you.

This is a sign that this person wants to get to know you in a sexual way.

Or this is someone who may not have any interest in meeting you,

But is enjoying what the gratification that they're receiving through the manipulation of the words in a text message and getting you to play along,

Right?

Sort of like a catfish type thing.

So the person has no intentions of meeting you.

They may not even be the person that you think they are based on their profile.

It could be a fake picture too.

It could be a fake profile even.

They could be in another state,

Another country.

But they're just enjoying being able to get you to drop your guard to send them pics or to be vulnerable with them.

So it's a very self-serving,

One-sided relationship.

So just be careful,

Because this is an indicator,

A red flag,

That you're dealing with someone who is not interested in you.

And I would say this is an indicator that you're dealing with someone with very high narcissistic traits.

So another sign that this person isn't interested in you and doesn't really care about you as a person is that they're vulgar,

Right?

So they're vulgar,

They're rude,

They're saying things that are outside social norms,

And you're letting them know like,

That's not cool or no,

I don't really agree with that.

And they just don't care,

Right?

So think about something that you might be really,

Really passionate about.

It could be animal rights,

It could be racism,

It could be anything that you feel very,

Very strongly about.

It could be politics,

Right?

And this person knows how you feel,

And you're being considerate that the other person might not agree with you,

Because it's a big world out there.

And let's face it,

Everybody has a right to their own perception and opinion.

We have to figure out,

Do we hang out with this person or not,

Right?

Where do we put our focus?

And you're being cautious and you're allowing this person to be whoever they are.

You're not sticking your finger in their eye.

But you notice that this person sticks their finger in your eye,

Right?

So that's what I mean about vulgar.

They're vulgar with their words,

They're vulgar with their intentions.

So they're prodding you,

They're looking to get a rise out of you.

This is an indicator that you're dealing with someone who really doesn't care about you as a person.

This is someone who just might enjoy being obnoxious and wants to see how far that they can push you.

But someone who's really interested in you is going to care about how you feel.

So you tell them that you are affiliated with one political party,

And even if they're affiliated with another political party,

They're respectful of you.

But when you're dealing with someone who's judgmental right off the bat and very critical even in a text message and you've never met them before,

This is a sign that you're wasting your time.

So another,

It seems obvious when I say it,

But again,

I've watched my daughter go through this and it's just mind boggling texting somebody for weeks and you never meet them.

There's always this future faking type thing like,

Oh,

Maybe next weekend.

And then next weekend comes and,

Oh,

My sister's coming over with her cats.

Okay,

And what the hell does that mean?

My sister's coming over with the cats.

Okay,

Don't get it,

But okay.

So you're texting someone for a number of weeks and no matter what happens,

They tell you that you're going to meet them.

But when you get a few days before you're actually supposed to meet them,

Something always happens.

There's this excuse.

So you never meet them.

And then the weekend goes by and then you get this weird text saying that they got this weird flu or they had to work all weekend,

They couldn't get to their phone.

Are you kidding me?

Come on,

Stop.

But you know what?

Again,

If you're somebody who wants to be in a relationship with somebody and you've come from really dysfunctional,

Obvious,

Ridiculous relationships and you think this person's a nice guy or think she's a nice woman,

You've got this cognitive bias going.

They're so kind to you.

They're so sweet in the text message,

But every time you come to the point where you're supposed to meet them,

You don't meet them.

In one of the situations that I can recall,

It just reminded me while I was sharing this with you,

I had a client who was texting someone for quite a number of weeks and it turned out,

Once we did a little bit of investigating or she did a little bit of investigating,

It turned out that the person that she was texting was married.

So this person found her on Facebook,

They started engaging,

They shared numbers.

She did not know that this person was married and this went on for weeks.

And it was very,

Very sad because my client started to get really emotionally invested in this text relationship.

And it was difficult for her to wrap her mind around the idea that this was not a relationship,

That these were letters on a device and until she met this person,

They really meant nothing.

And sometimes you will invest time getting to know someone through text messaging and you meet the person and they are not at all who you thought they were.

I've had that happen a number of times too.

Or you meet someone and they have this image of themselves.

For instance,

I dated a man that prior to meeting him told me he was six foot three.

On a number of occasions.

And when I walked into the restaurant,

He had this huge bouquet of flowers.

I was kind of embarrassed by the whole thing because it was a huge,

Huge bouquet of flowers.

And he was all of five 10,

Five 11.

And I was like,

Dude,

No matter how big these flowers are,

It's not going to mask the fact that you're not six three.

Now I don't care that you're not six three.

My husband's about five 11,

Right?

It's not the height.

It's the fact that you lied.

So you can even talk to someone,

Text someone and meet them and they are not who they think they are.

And even while I was at dinner with this man,

He reminded me that he was six foot three.

And I thought,

What is happening?

You're not six foot three.

I don't know how to tell you this,

But you're not six foot three.

And it's not about being six foot three.

It's the fact that you're lying and or delusional,

Which quite frankly doesn't work for me.

I'm too old.

I can't handle this.

I can't handle this chaos.

I can't sit there and analyze you and try to help you figure out that you're not six foot three.

I don't have the time.

I don't need projects anymore.

Dude,

You're not six foot three.

It's okay.

It's okay.

But you can text someone and meet them and they are not who they think they are.

And so I think on our quest to find people that are compatible,

On our quest to find our soulmate and our divine mate,

On our quest to find the person who we feel like we can travel through life with in as easy a way as possible,

In as a congruent way as possible,

I think we have to start off with true self-accountability.

I know for me,

I just spoke to my husband about this today.

The day I married my ex-husband,

I broke down into tears.

The minute I put my foot on the steps of the church,

And I'm not embarrassed to say it anymore because so many people do this,

But the minute I put my foot on the steps of the church,

I broke down.

I looked up the sky.

I'll never forget it.

I remember the street sign that I saw.

It hit me.

What am I doing?

My spirit was weeping.

Don't do this.

You're making a mistake.

And I married my ex-husband anyway.

And I stood on the altar and I just said,

I'm just going to love him.

I'm just going to love him.

Love is the answer.

I'm just going to love him.

And unfortunately,

Loving someone is not enough because that person has to love you back.

That person has to respect you.

That person has to have empathy for you or as much empathy as you have for them.

That person has to be considerate.

That person can't block attempts to get to know them.

That person can't kick you when you're down.

You can't have a healthy relationship when you feel like your adversaries,

When you feel like you're in one corner and your spouse is in the other corner,

When there is stonewalling,

When there is gaslighting,

When there is blame shifting,

Where there's this cold indifference to what you think and what you feel.

Nothing will erode a relationship more than not caring about what your partner thinks or how they feel or what's important to them.

And showing absolute indifference for the human being that they are.

And so even if you are in a situation where you're trying to figure out,

Is this person worth my time?

Please know that if you ignore red flags,

It's very,

Very possible to end up in a situation like I was in.

Telling yourself that things are better than they actually are.

Ignoring the red flags.

Taking yourself out of the red flags.

Creating this bias in your head.

And when you create a bias,

When your brain wants something or your mind wants something,

It's really interesting what happens to us psychologically.

The human condition is to knock out all of the realities that are in opposition to what we want.

So if I want to get married and I want to have babies and I want the white picket fence and Joe Schmo walks into my experience at work or someone introduces me to Joe Schmo and I want this,

I want to be married,

I want the white picket fence,

I want this and I want that,

Joe Schmo is looking pretty good.

Even though Joe Schmo and I have nothing in common and even though Joe Schmo kind of irritates me,

Even though Joe Schmo and I don't see eye to eye on much,

Joe Schmo is going to look pretty good.

And so my brain will create a bias about my future reality and Joe.

And it happens to so many of us,

Right?

We're living in a fog.

It's la la land.

We're not understanding that we have a right to want what we really,

Really want.

And we have a right to feel like we are manifesting a relationship that really does empower us.

But that takes self accountability.

That means that I am someone who's willing to confront a bias.

So that means that even though I feel alone and I've been settling for breadcrumbs my whole life and even though I know now that I put up with one way relationships and I cling onto bumpers and I shouldn't,

I chase after men or I chase after women and I shouldn't.

In lots of cases with men,

They end up taking care of women.

They become the rescuer.

They become the hero.

And if the woman is highly narcissistic and truly not interested,

She'll get bored quickly or she'll use his money or use him to take care of her kids or whatever,

Buy her this,

Buy her that.

And she's done with them.

And by the time she's done with them,

She's onto another source of narcissistic supply,

Right?

And narcissistic men will use women in a very similar way.

And when they get bored with the women,

They're onto another source of narcissistic supply.

Or in lots of the cases,

If you are a source of narcissistic supply,

Narcissists are cozying up to second sources of narcissistic supply and so on.

So they're never really far from an additional source of supply,

Right?

But when we have these biases,

It's very easy to ignore these red flags.

Obviously,

Because we don't want to deal with the reality that this might not be the relationship for us.

We don't want to let go of that breadcrumb.

So it's important that while we're on the quest to find a divine mate or a compatible partner,

That we don't lie to ourselves.

That very early on,

We pay attention to what is a red flag.

And we don't have to get caught up in,

Well,

That person's a narcissist.

That's why he didn't text me back.

Not necessarily.

Or that person's a narcissist and that's why she didn't text me back.

Not necessarily.

What we want to make sure is that rather than focus on the other person,

We're focusing on what we want.

We're focusing on what we feel we want to experience.

And if this isn't it,

Then it's not it.

I don't know too many people that if they were vegan,

Would sit there and eat veal Parmesan.

They don't want veal Parmesan.

They're not into veal Parmesan.

But how many of us out there in the dating world and who are even married,

This relationship is not what we want,

But we keep eating it.

We keep tolerating it,

Right?

We're dating and we're texting people back and forth.

It's not what we want.

What isn't?

The energy,

The experience,

The relating.

It's not happening.

It's not what we want.

But the vegan,

We become like the vegan who's eating veal Parmesan.

Don't tolerate it.

Is it about the person?

No.

It's about us saying,

I'm not tolerating this anymore.

This is not what I want.

Namaste and walk away.

That's what you need to know.

That's what you need to know.

Reviews

Lisa just outlined my ten year, dysfunctional dating experience in 45 minutes. Listen and believe. This is so true.

Excellent ! Thanks for sharing this awesome information.

Thank you 🙏🏼