Why Being the Strong One Is Exhausting You

05:09

05:09

Why Being the Strong One Is Exhausting You

by Dr. Femke E. Bakker

Rated

4.8

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Plays

52

You're the one who shows up, holds it together, and keeps going, and you're exhausted in a way that's hard to explain because from the outside, you're fine. For many people, being the strong one wasn't a choice but a role assigned early, and when you're good at it long enough, it stops feeling like something you do and starts feeling like who you are. The cost isn't just tiredness, it's a particular kind of loneliness, the loneliness of quietly believing your own needs are too much to show. This video is about where that pattern comes from, what it costs, and what begins to shift when you allow yourself to matter to yourself as a baseline, not after everyone else is taken care of. Join Femke live at the Selfgentleness Hour every second Friday of the month on Insight Timer, free, real, and always a safe place to land.

Emotional Exhaustion Self Care Loneliness Nervous System

Meet your Teacher

Dr. Femke E. Bakker

Leiden, Netherlands

Meet your Teacher

Dr. Femke E. Bakker

Leiden, Netherlands

Transcript

You are the one people call. The one who shows up. The one who holds it together when everyone else is falling apart. And you do it well. You've always done it well. But here is something nobody sees. Happens after when you close the door when you put down the phone And finally stop performing okay. The exhaustion that has been there all the time. If you know that feeling, This video is for you. For most people with this pattern being the strong one, Wasn't really a choice. It was a role. Maybe you were the oldest. Maybe one of your parents needed you. Maybe the family system just assigned it to you and everyone, Including you, Forgot that you. . . Never actually agree to it. And when a role like that gets assigned early enough in your life, You get really good at it. Really really good and being good at something. Especially when it makes the people around you feel safer. Starts to feel like who you are. Not what you do. Who you are. I know this from my own experience. I grew up as a strong one too. I was a parentified child who learned early. That love was safer when I needed less. When I was feeling fine. When I didn't take up too much space with my own difficulties. Well, That's not a dramatic story. It's a very ordinary one. And that's exactly why so many people carry it with them for decades without ever naming it. And the cost of that is not just tiredness. It is actually a specific kind of loneliness. Of being surrounded by people who need you and realizing at some point that nobody is really asking how you are. And that is not because they don't care. But because you've trained them not to worry about you. You've been so consistently fine that. . . Fine has become invisible. And underneath that something way more secret and harder. The belief that if you stopped being strong, If you actually needed something, Let yourself fall apart a little. Something important would break. Someone would be disappointed. You would be too much. Are not enough. So you keep going. Because stopping feels more dangerous. An exhaustion. What I've learned and what I see over and over and the people I work with. Is that the strong one doesn't need to become someone different. You don't have to stop being capable or caring or present for the people you love. But something has to change in how you relate to your own needs. And that starts with one thing. Allowing yourself to matter to yourself. Not after everyone else is taken care of. And not when you have earned a rest. But now! Now as a baseline. This is what self-gentleness is really about. It's not just a practice that you add to an already full life. It's a shift in. Who counts as someone deserving of your care? And the answer for once. . . Is you. That shift doesn't happen overnight. For most of us, It is slow, It's incremental. And it keeps getting interrupting alive. But it starts with recognizing the role you were given. And seeing that you didn't choose it. And asking maybe for the very first time What would it feel like? To put it down for a moment. Just for now. If you recognize yourself in any of this, I want you to know something. The exhaustion that you feel is not weakness, It's information, It's your nervous system telling you that the way you have been doing things isn't sustainable. You've spent a long time being strong for everyone else. And you are allowed to be gentle with yourself. If this video resonated. Share it with someone who might need to hear it. Because sometimes the strong ones are the last people to find their way. To this kind of content. I'm with you. Sending you so much love. Bye bye.