Codependency and Dating: Break The Cycle

So in today's video,

I'm talking about codependency and dating,

How to break the pattern and choose healthy love.

But if you're new,

My name is Michelle Ferris.

I'm a psychotherapist.

If you have trouble with codependency,

Dating is really intense because codependency is basically a relationship addiction and healthy dating requires some emotional skills and maturity that we don't necessarily get growing up.

So instead of dating slowly with intention over time,

Codependent people tend to fall into these patterns.

The first one is you fall in love really quickly,

Especially with somebody's potential.

You miss the red flags because you're emotionally starved for attention.

You wait all day for their texts to prove that they care for you.

You may look to them for your happiness and your self-worth.

And another part of codependency is that you invest deeply in that person before actually even knowing them.

And that's not love.

Those are signs of codependency,

Which makes dating confusing and painful.

So I'm going to give you a plan on how to do it differently.

So the first thing I want you to do is create your dating plan.

What's your goal?

Do you want marriage?

Do you want to have a family?

Do you want a long-term committed relationship?

What is it that you're wanting?

Because you can't get what you want unless you're specific about it.

So the next step is I want you to define your non-negotiables,

Those character traits that you absolutely need for you to be in relationship.

And this can be new because if you're struggling with codependency,

You often don't think of what you need and what's really important to you.

You're more interested in globbing on and getting that love and attention because you feel so starved.

So I want you to think about what are those really important traits that you know you need,

Like somebody who's trustworthy,

Honest,

Emotionally available,

Stable.

If you're like me,

You want someone that does personal growth because relationships are much easier when you have a partner willing to do this kind of work.

I also have a free resource,

My relationship checklist that's going to walk you through how to do this process.

And I want you to remember that these character traits are not preferences.

These are things you absolutely need in order to feel safe and seen in your relationship.

The next step is stop limiting yourself with types.

I was listening to a podcast the other day on dating and the person said that the number one trait women look for is somebody who's tall.

But when you think about it,

That rules out a lot of people.

And that's really a preference.

I myself like tall men,

I get it.

But if you're hanging your hat on that,

You may be missing some really interesting guys that are wonderful that aren't necessarily tall.

This is where most people sabotage themselves.

And putting too much emphasis on having an instant attraction can be a sign of toxic relationships because healthy love and attraction takes time to build.

You may find that you aren't necessarily instantly attracted to certain people because what codependent people do is they look for that instant attraction,

That person that gives them goosebumps.

And most of the time that's not necessarily a sign of health.

So I want you to broaden your horizons when it comes to the type of person you're attracted to because you may be missing really amazing people based on having a type.

Also,

Attraction typically takes several months to build.

It's not always obvious when you first meet somebody.

So the more open-minded you can be as you're dating,

The more likely you're going to find healthier loving people to date because sometimes we mistake that instant attraction for feeling safe.

That's a very common codependent pattern and I don't want that for you.

Just because you're attracted to somebody doesn't mean they're safe or they're healthy.

The next thing I want you to do is identify some new behavior you can practice as you're dating.

For instance,

Not getting emotionally involved too quickly,

Maybe not sleeping with that person for several weeks.

What are some things that you know tend to get you into trouble and make you glob on and get too dependent on them?

Because if you're a relationship addict,

You're going to glob on really fast and that's going to prevent you from creating healthy love.

So going on a few dates with different people can be a great way for you to practice and not get attached too quickly.

The next thing I want you to do is I want you to identify your personal red flags in relationships.

Like do you tend to attract people with a lot of problems or somebody that's narcissistic?

So they appear really charming at first,

But they're very controlling.

Do you tend to attract someone who's not financially stable and needs a rescue or maybe they don't have good relationships so they glob onto you and make you feel like they need you more than anybody else.

Maybe they want to spend all their time with you,

But they don't have good relationships with family and friends.

These are all really important red flags for you to identify because we all have certain ones that we tend to attract over and over again,

And it becomes our pattern in relationship and in dating.

So if you can write down what those red flags are and how early they show up,

You're going to be much more aware as you start dating.

And when you do see a red flag,

Run it by a trusted friend or your therapist because the more feedback you get as you're dating,

The healthier your choices are going to be.

Now another thing that tends to happen if you're codependent is you might make excuses for their behavior.

Oh,

They don't have a job right now because they've had a really hard time or their boss was terrible to them or they don't have family relationships because their mother was abusive.

I want you to really pay attention to these warning signs.

Don't make excuses for them because that's how we get into toxic relationships and I don't want that for you.

The next thing I want you to do is look at your own relationship behavior.

Who do you tend to attract?

What role do you typically have when dating?

Do you become the rescuer for instance?

Do you take care of them?

Do you chase them?

Do you try to save them from themselves?

Do you early on find a way to help them so that you feel needed?

These are all common codependent behaviors that I want you to identify because dating should be fun.

Dating isn't about taking care of somebody else.

It's about interviewing them to see if they're a potential candidate for a lifelong commitment and that takes time.

That's not something you're going to do in a week or two.

This is something that's going to take several months and possibly years to really get to know them because as you're dating,

It's really important to understand your own relationship behavior.

What are the things you do that aren't necessarily healthy like taking care of the other person,

Always agreeing with what they want to do and never offering your own opinion.

Never saying no if they ask you something that you maybe don't want to do.

All of those things are really important to look at because if you feel like you have to be somebody else in that relationship,

That's probably not a healthy relationship.

You should be able in your dating life to be able to say how you feel about something.

Say no if something doesn't work for you.

Offering a different opinion.

Those are all things that are going to help you see how healthy that other person is because knowledge and awareness isn't enough in dating.

You have to be willing to practice new behaviors and that's why my relationship checklist is going to help walk you through that because what I want you to do is identify those codependent behaviors that are creating one sided relationships because you deserve to get your needs met too,

But you have to know what you need and what you want in order to do that.

The other thing I want you to do is get additional support.

There might be groups on dating.

There's lots of podcasts on healthy dating you could listen to.

You might consider joining Al-Anon or some form of group support to look at your own relationship patterns because that's how you're going to create healthy love.

Thanks so much.