Narcissists Chronic Invalidation Can Ruin Your Life

Narcissists chronically invalidate others. In this episode, Lisa A. Romano Life Coach and bestselling author, describes various forms of invalidation narcissists use to control and dominate their victims. Once you begin to recognize narcissistic invalidation, you can learn to NOT take their mind games personally which liberates you from toxic relationship dynamics.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

Today we're going to be talking about how you can handle a narcissist's chronic invalidation of you.

So we're talking about what it is to be emotionally invalidated and what it is to have to deal with someone that you love,

Someone that you are married to,

Someone that you're in a relationship with,

Or maybe even someone that you work with,

Maybe even a sibling.

If you were raised by a narcissistic parent,

One of the things that you know probably more than anybody else is what it feels like to be emotionally invalidated.

So what does that mean exactly?

Well,

For human beings,

It is essential for our emotional growth,

For our emotional well-being,

Even our physical health,

To feel validated by others.

What I mean by that is that it is intrinsic.

It is tied to survival.

When I am upset,

When I'm crying,

This idea that someone else that I care about,

Or maybe even a stranger,

Can see and recognize that I'm having an emotional reaction to something that's very strong,

That I'm in duress,

And that someone else can empathize with what I'm feeling,

Helps me feel seen.

It helps me feel valid.

For children,

It is essential that children feel seen emotionally.

This means that when they are upset,

When their mother acknowledges that they are upset,

Or when their father acknowledges that they are upset,

The child feels seen.

Because children feel like their eye is tied to their feelings.

So to not acknowledge how a child feels is to invalidate the child itself.

Now,

A child that grows up in a home where their emotional needs continue to be ignored,

Or denied,

Or criticized,

Or even punished,

Is to have a child internalize this idea that who I am is irrelevant.

Feeling seen emotionally is intrinsic.

It is so important.

It is vital.

It is tied to survival.

How do I know who I am,

Me,

What makes Lisa different than you,

Outside of acknowledging that my emotions are unique to myself and that they are valid?

And as children,

When we don't have a healthy mirror,

When we don't have a mother and a father looking into our eyes,

Remember the windows are the eyes to the soul.

If I look into my mother's eyes and all I see is disgust,

Then disgust is what's reflected back to me.

I internalize that disgust,

And I think that I am disgusting to my mother,

And therefore I,

The being that I am,

Is disgusting.

Now,

These aren't conscious thoughts per se.

When I say conscious,

They might have been conscious when we were three or four,

Or at least there was a feeling,

Like we felt disgusting when we looked into the eyes of our parents who may have rejected us.

There was some nuance,

Some energetic feeling,

Some resonance that who we are was not good enough,

And it stains us like the scarlet letter.

No one can see it,

And maybe we do a really good job of hiding it,

But those of us who grew up emotionally invisible to our parents,

We can feel it.

So empathy,

The ability to feel what someone else feels is very,

Very important.

So what happens when you are dealing with someone who lacks empathy or who is empathy impaired?

When we are being invalidated by someone who has high narcissistic traits,

We have to recognize that the ability to invalidate you or someone else comes from this idea that they're better than other people,

That vulnerabilities mean you're weak,

That they are more grandiose than you,

Therefore they are better than you,

And this lack of empathy.

They feel entitled to treat people less than,

Which is an earmark,

In my opinion,

Of someone who is struggling with narcissism,

Or maybe not even struggling with narcissism,

They're just a narcissist,

Or they have high narcissistic traits.

This inability to care about how their actions affect other people or how other people are affected by things that happen in the world.

When you are being emotionally invalidated by a narcissist,

What you will notice over time you might not notice when you're right in the middle of it,

Especially if you're struggling with a trauma bond and the narcissist has done a really good job at pulling you in through love bombing you,

Idealizing you,

Making you feel good about you,

Really activating your own level of narcissism,

Like,

I feel seen,

I'm seen,

I'm matter to somebody,

This is great,

This is awesome.

This is the way you've always wanted to feel,

Especially the way you should have felt when you were a little boy or a little girl.

And so when a narcissist begins to idealize you,

You get activated,

Or this level of narcissism in yourself gets activated.

And it's a natural thing that happens.

You start to feel like,

Oh,

There I am.

It's like,

You don't know who you are until you look into a mirror,

Or you don't know what you look like until you look into a mirror.

And so when someone is reflecting back to you,

The qualities that you hold that are wonderful qualities,

And when someone says,

I see these qualities in you,

It's a magical experience.

It helps you feel seen.

It helps you anchor to the self.

Narcissists use that to their advantage to exploit other people.

And that is,

I think,

Where a lot of this psychological abuse begins to really take hold.

It's that I trusted you when you said that you knew that I was a giving person.

I trusted that you really saw that in me and that you honored that and that you wouldn't exploit it,

But yet you have.

My son was abused by a narcissist a few years ago,

And we're still dealing with the fallout of him coming to terms with the trust,

The level of trust that he had for this woman that turned out to be a complete falsehood.

And we're still dealing with the layers of abuse that that caused and the consequences,

The cognitive dissonance,

The self-doubt,

The shame and the embarrassment of trusting someone that in hindsight he thinks,

Why didn't I see that?

And one of the things that I work with with my son is to try to help him understand that you trusted,

You loved,

And you should never be ashamed of yourself for that because you met someone who could have won an Academy Award for acting.

That is not your fault.

So when we're dealing with someone who is using chronic invalidation,

We experience tremendous cognitive dissonance.

And we don't always realize when we're in the middle of the relationship and the trauma bonded aspect of the relationship,

When we're still hopeful,

When we're still dealing with,

Well,

Maybe if I twist myself into a pretzel,

Maybe he'll calm down,

Or maybe if I can figure out what set her off,

Then she'll relax and she won't leave me.

So when we're in the middle of that,

We don't always realize that we are being consistently and chronically invalidated.

But as time goes on and we gain information,

We gain knowledge,

We gain insight,

We learn,

We reach out to other people,

We ask our friends what they think,

We go to trusted friends and we say,

You know what,

Can you be honest with me?

What do you see in this relationship that I'm having?

Is there anything off to you?

Because I want you to tell me what you see.

I want you to be completely honest and tell me what you see.

Once we begin to get kicked out of these relationships,

And oftentimes,

I just did a video also,

You can learn about this,

Where I talk about how coming out of a narcissistic relationship is an opportunity really to experience a spiritual awakening,

Because a spiritual awakening is a dissolution of ego and illusion.

And being in a relationship with someone who is highly narcissistic is being in a relationship that is an illusion,

Because they're not real,

Their version of you isn't real.

So therefore,

They can't be real.

The version that you have of them within your own mind is really an illusion that they wanted you to believe in.

And that's very,

Very difficult to process,

But can happen.

You need clarity,

You need direction,

And you need some key ideas to help you,

And you need time and patience,

And you need some key ideas to really help you wrap your mind around this process,

Because it can be extremely,

Extremely emotionally damaging.

And so when you're in the middle of this relationship,

You don't know that you're being chronically invalidated,

But once you get kicked out of it and you look back,

You start to put the pieces of the puzzle together,

Where you begin to see,

Oh my gosh,

I was invalidated.

Ever so slightly,

I was invalidated.

So how does a narcissist invalidate you?

Well,

One of the things that a narcissist will do is they will not pat you on the back.

Once they've secured you as a source of narcissistic supply,

One of the very common things that a narcissist will do is they will hold validation.

You get a promotion,

They don't make a big deal out of it.

You do great at a job interview,

And they find a way to pee on it.

They find a way to diminish your success,

Or they find a way to make you feel bad that you've experienced a success.

You have a birthday that you're all excited about.

They talk to you like,

What's the big deal?

You have a birthday every year.

Any time that you get excited,

A narcissist will find a way to damper it down.

You're at a party,

You're having a great time,

You look over and your narcissistic spouse or whoever is glaring at you because they want you to feel bad about having a good time.

It's very difficult for a narcissist to control happy.

That's why a narcissist wants you miserable.

The happier you are,

The more narcissists will seek to invalidate you.

It's one of the ways that a narcissist invalidates you.

You might want to think about that.

When in my life was I excited about something and did a narcissist invalidate me?

Let's say that you are living with someone and you have grandchildren and your grandchildren are really excited about a soccer tournament.

A narcissist is not going to be happy about your grandchild's tournament or the fact that you're excited about your grandchild.

A narcissist will find a way to make you feel bad about being excited about your grandchild's soccer tournament.

They will do comparisons.

Well,

You get really excited about your grandson's soccer tournament,

But I don't see you getting excited about my granddaughter's ballet class.

Doesn't even have to make sense.

Doesn't even have to be real.

But the idea that I'm trying to get across is that when you are excited about something,

Whatever it might be,

A narcissist will generally try to pull the air out of that balloon for you.

Very important.

Another way that a narcissist will invalidate you is when you're upset.

Something happens at work,

You come home and you should be able to come home and talk to your spouse,

Your partner,

Your best friend,

Or whoever,

A sibling about what's happening to you at work.

And you will be met with things like,

You should just let that go.

Well,

How do you know that you're right?

Or you always get like this,

Or you tend to be overdramatic.

Well,

You always have these issues.

So you'll see that even when you're down,

Not only when you're up,

But even when you're down and you need a little bit of support,

The narcissist is going to invalidate you.

You will be read the riot act for even having a negative emotion.

They will be told that you have no right to have a negative emotion.

They may even compare your pain to their pain.

Oh,

Well,

You think you have a right to talk about this or what about how I feel.

So they will redirect the conversation to about them.

If you are someone who wants to talk about your childhood trauma,

They will compare your trauma to their trauma to invalidate you.

So even when you're even if you're up,

They'll invalidate you.

Even when you're down,

They'll invalidate you.

So this is important.

These are two ways for sure that you're going to notice over time that a narcissist consistently and chronically invalidated you.

Another way that a narcissist will invalidate you is through denial.

So the narcissist said they were going to come home at five o'clock in the afternoon or they were expected to come home from a business trip at five o'clock in the afternoon.

You go to the airport to pick them up at five o'clock in the afternoon and lo and behold,

They're not there.

You call the narcissist and you say,

Hey,

I'm at the airport.

It's five o'clock.

And the narcissist replies with,

I never told you to go to the airport at five o'clock.

And you think I must be crazy.

And you say to the person,

Yes,

You told me that you were going to arrive at JFK at five o'clock and they go and they absolutely deny,

Denied and I never said that this narcissist could be on vacation with a mistress.

This narcissist could be on vacation with a boyfriend you know nothing about,

Or could have missed the flight.

They will not tell you the truth.

They will deny that they said what they said.

They will also,

If you keep pushing them,

Come up with as many ways as possible to get you to doubt your reality.

This is where gaslighting comes in.

This is where they say things like,

You always screw things up.

I can never trust you with time.

There you go again,

Making things up again.

You might want to get your head examined.

Maybe you're getting Alzheimer's.

Maybe you're getting dementia.

You keep doing this.

You keep messing up and see you're even trying to blame me because you screwed up.

So you'll be gaslit.

And what's the benefit of gaslighting for a narcissist?

You begin to doubt your reality.

Now,

Why would a narcissist want you to doubt your reality?

A narcissist wants you to doubt your reality so that they can dominate you.

So invalidating you is the way they validate themselves.

You see,

I am more powerful than she is.

See,

I can run circles around her.

See,

I can get her to back down.

See,

I can get her to lose it.

I can get her to react.

I can get her upset.

Great.

She's going home and she's all upset and she thinks she's did this.

She's not sure now if I actually said five o'clock.

So invalidating you is a way that they get to validate themselves and their superiority over you.

Another way that a narcissist will invalidate you,

And again,

You'll notice this over time,

Is when you are angry.

So you're angry.

You're not only sad,

Like I said earlier,

But you're really,

Really angry about something.

Your mother said something that was really,

Really mean to you.

Or there was some injustice that happened at some grocery store or someone stole your wallet or whatever.

You did something that you lost your keys,

Whatever it is,

And you're upset that you lost your keys.

You're upset that someone stole your wallet.

They'll turn it around and rather than support you,

They'll mock you for losing your keys.

They'll mock you because someone stole your wallet.

They will blame you for why you were pickpocketed.

If your car gets stolen,

It will be because you did something stupid,

Because you're a nincompoop,

Because you can't figure anything out,

Because you do everything wrong,

Lisa.

You do everything wrong.

You don't do anything right.

That's why you lost the car.

That's why the car got stolen.

It's all your fault,

Lisa.

Oh,

Whatever.

Amy,

John,

Whatever.

When you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

Your car gets stolen.

You're angry about it.

You are not allowed to be angry about it.

What they will turn around and do is rather than support you,

They will blame you for why this thing happened to you that's making you angry.

So what happens to your right to feel angry about your car gets stolen?

It gets completely invalidated by someone who is highly narcissistic.

What's the benefit?

They get to harass you.

They get to blame you.

They get to make you feel like a victim.

They take your power of being angry away from you.

They mess with your head.

So you are completely now thrown off balance.

You're not allowed to be angry.

Now you're calling the police and you're feeling guilty like you did something wrong.

This is what a narcissist wants.

This is a source of narcissistic supplies.

So even when you're angry,

When an injustice has taken place in your life,

A narcissist will invalidate you.

Another way that a narcissist offers victims chronic invalidation is when they embarrass them.

So in other words,

You are with someone who is highly narcissistic and they say something really nasty about your weight or they say something nasty about your hair.

They just embarrass you in front of a group of people.

And when you turn around,

You have something to say back to this person.

They say,

Oh,

I was just joking.

You can't take a joke.

So now it's not about the fact that they offended you and what they said was rude.

They completely pulled the rug out from underneath you and they blame you for being upset with them for being rude.

So sarcasm is really their ability to hurt you in a covert way.

And when you react to it,

They tell you that you don't have a right to feel the way that you feel.

So this is emotional invalidation.

It's also a form of gaslighting in my opinion,

Because it makes you wonder if you have a right to be upset about them saying something about your weight.

And then our narcissist will turn around and say,

Well,

If you weren't so overweight,

You wouldn't be so offended.

Or if you're so offended,

Why don't you do something about your weight?

Why are you so bothered by my comments?

If you weren't worried about being overweight,

It wouldn't bother you.

So it's this crazy making communication.

It's the twisting of the words that will get you to doubt that you have a right to be angry.

And that's what a narcissist wants,

Because if a narcissist can pull your power away,

Which is pulling your anger away from you,

Then they are far more able to control you and to secure you as a continued source of narcissistic supply.

Another way that a narcissist will chronically invalidate you is through stonewalling you.

This is so frustrating in any type of a relationship when you have things that you have to deal with as a couple and you are married to someone or you are partnered with someone that absolutely makes it impossible for you to get from point A to point B.

So you have to deal with some issue with the children or you have to get some paperwork done.

And you have a narcissistic spouse.

The narcissistic spouse knows that you want to get this thing done,

Whatever it is.

Maybe you want your children to take part in a student exchange program and you want your partner to be part of the process.

Someone who is highly narcissistic will invalidate you,

Invalidate your children and just won't participate in the family conversation.

They won't have time.

They will say that they have to work late.

They'll say that this is frivolous.

They'll say that,

Well,

If you want to talk about this,

Talk about this when I'm ready to talk about it.

I'm not ready to talk about it.

If it's important to you,

The narcissist is going to find a way to make sure that you feel it's not important to them.

If you want to discuss something,

Finances,

Doctor's appointments,

Whatever it is,

Even a serious relationship issue,

Just not going to talk about it.

Narcissists just won't talk about it.

It's absolutely crazy when you think about it.

How many people,

I hear it all the time,

Many people within the YouTube comments,

Many people that listen to my podcast,

Many people that take my classes.

It is so common that it's frightening because it has become the norm for so many of us where we think it is the norm to have a partner stop talking to us.

And then oftentimes doesn't even tell us why they stopped talking to us.

Just walk around the house and on top of it,

Children are watching this dynamic and learning that this is normal.

Feeling the tension in the house and having a narcissist refuse to have a conversation with you.

This was really mind blowing in my first marriage because I was pretty verbal.

I was definitely the pursuer in the relationship where I wanted to feel a connection with my first husband.

And it took me a long,

Long,

Long time to wrap my head around the idea that he didn't want connection,

Wasn't even on his radar.

He wanted to be fed.

He wanted me home.

He wanted me to do things for him.

He wanted the meals to be done.

He wanted the backyard to be cleaned.

He wanted the pool to be cleaned.

He wanted things to be done.

He wanted the bills to be taken care of.

He wanted our business to be taken care of.

He wanted food in the refrigerator,

But a connection?

No,

He didn't want a connection.

Wasn't even on his radar.

That was my mind.

Why do you get married?

Why would you want to partner with someone unless you wanted to get to know that someone?

Why would you want to partner with someone unless you genuinely cared for who that person was and you were looking forward to growing as a unit with this person and having this person grow right alongside with you?

Why even bother?

But when you're dealing with someone who lacks empathy and who sees people as a means to an end,

This is just another language.

They don't get it.

It took me a really long time to understand that we were not speaking the same language.

We did not have the same needs.

We did not have the same goals.

We did not have the same priorities,

This need to feel connected with a partner and feel seen.

Now,

I went into the marriage wanting to feel seen,

Very unaware,

Very codependent,

Very idealistic,

Very immature,

And very unhealthy.

I was 21 years old when I met him and I grew up in a dysfunctional home.

Hello.

So it isn't entirely his fault having a codependent who is a pursuer wanting to gain a connection from this person and then manifesting someone who isn't interested.

It really was a hand and a glove because he mirrored my mother's energy,

Who was avoidant,

Who was withholding,

Who would stonewall,

Who was very critical and was not very nurturing at all.

And so it made sense,

Right?

After I go through codependent recovery,

I'm figuring it all out.

I was like,

Oh my God,

This makes so much sense.

But at the time while I was in my marriage,

I didn't understand that I was chronically invalidated because that had been my whole life.

So being chronically invalidated was the norm for me.

Over time,

My body began to fail and I could not suppress my angst anymore or my frustration.

But while I was in my marriage,

I was pretty verbal about what I wanted.

I was pretty verbal about what I thought we should work on and he wasn't.

And I noticed in hindsight that when I spoke up about things that couples should be allowed to talk about or should talk about,

I was met with passive aggressiveness.

I was met with stonewalling.

I was met with really nonsensical conversations that were just like wacky,

Like came out of nowhere.

And it was really a smoke screen to throw me off the rails,

Like to just get me to stop talking about what it was I wanted to talk about.

And this was invalidation.

I didn't see it at the time.

So even though you could be the one in the relationship that is seeking the connection or seeking how do we fix this,

Come on,

Let's get together.

We have to talk about this,

Right?

You're trying to get your partner to at least get on the same planet with you.

That would be nice.

Even though you're the one that is pursuing that conversation and even though the outside world will say,

Oh my God,

She's got such a big mouth,

Like she just keeps going and going and he's such a nice guy,

He's so quiet.

To the outside world,

It might look like you're the one that is the troublemaker.

They won't know that the quiet one is the one that's stonewalling you.

The quiet one that refuses to come to the table to have a conversation.

The quiet one that is stonewalling you is the one that is holding all the cards.

Because if I come to you to have a conversation,

To try to work something out and you just turn around and say I'm not talking to you about it,

Arbitrarily decide you're not going to talk to me about it or if you offend me and I go to you and I say,

Listen,

I want to talk about this and you're offended because I got offended.

There's no resolution.

I'm stuck.

If you're my partner,

We can't resolve this.

If we have a mortgage,

If we have kids,

This becomes a really sticky situation.

What are our options?

So if you're someone who's healthy,

This makes you really,

Really uncomfortable.

You want the flow in your relationship.

You want to be on the same page with your partner.

Heck,

You even want to grow.

You want to learn.

You want to say,

I'm sorry.

You want the other person to say,

I'm sorry.

You want to take accountability for your actions.

You know,

You want to kiss,

You want to make up,

You want to make changes,

You want to grow.

Partners that challenge you with the right integrity are the best partners to have.

But when you were dealing with someone who was highly narcissistic,

They're not looking,

They didn't partner with you for that reason.

They're not your partner because they want you to challenge them so they can grow.

No,

A narcissist wants you to really mirror back to them their grandiose vision of themselves.

That's why you're there.

You're there to stroke their ego.

And if you get a little out of line,

If you get a little too happy,

They're going to pull the air out of your sail.

If you act like something bad happened at work,

Then they're going to make you feel worse about that thing that happened at work.

If you dare try to hold them accountable,

They're going to blame shift you.

They're going to play the victim and they're going to end up confusing you.

That's why they're in it because a narcissist needs a sort of form of narcissistic supply in order to survive.

A narcissist can't survive without narcissistic supply,

Which is in lots of times is acquired through the invalidation of other people.

Narcissists will walk into a restaurant and completely invalidate the waitress who is struggling to get through a shift because two of her peers have called in sick.

Narcissists won't care.

They won't have empathy for this waitress who is juggling 10 tables because two of her comrades have called in sick.

They won't see that.

What will they consider?

What they want and they want it now.

There will be no time allotted to give this poor waitress a chance to catch up.

No,

It's about how this experience is affecting me.

That's narcissism.

It's not about anybody else in the restaurant who's also waiting,

Anybody else in the restaurant who is giving this waitress a break and trying to offer her empathy so she doesn't feel worse about serving them.

No,

How is this affecting me?

So when we think about a narcissist,

I think it's really helpful,

Especially for those of us who are trying to come out of this and gain some perspective.

What you'll notice is that there is chronic invalidation across the board.

So your sister calls you when she starts complaining about the kids,

Narcissist invalidates your sister's perspective.

Unless,

Of course,

The narcissist is trying to turn your sister into a flying monkey.

If your narcissistic spouse has been triangulating you behind your back,

Then the narcissist will support your sister,

Especially if your sister is going up against you.

Another way that a narcissist will invalidate you is when you start to tell the narcissist,

For instance,

That there's a family issue.

Your mother has said something really,

Really nasty about you.

He or she will take the side of your mother against you or of your sister or your sibling against you.

Why?

To invalidate you.

So narcissists are chronic invalidators.

It's what they do.

They don't give people pats on the back.

They don't acknowledge other people unless,

Of course,

Acknowledging that person,

They're acknowledging that person because doing so ups their perception.

Think about someone who is a scholar and they might cite the work of someone else,

But not for that other person,

But because they're name dropping or they're saying,

See how smart I am.

It's because of that reason.

It's to fuel their narcissism.

It's not genuine.

It's not for the other person.

So someone who has achieved a certain level of success,

It's not uncommon to see a narcissist absolutely poo poo that person's level of success or a narcissist will say,

Oh,

He's really not good at his job.

He's just really good at marketing or he's not really good at selling cars.

He just has a really good gift for gab.

He doesn't really care about people.

Someone who has just graduated from college,

Top of her class.

Yeah,

Well,

Her father paid for her college.

No credit is given to the person who has been able to accumulate any level of success,

Genuinely and authentically.

So what you will notice over time is that a narcissist is in the habit of chronically invalidating other people.

Another way that a narcissist will invalidate you really easily,

Something as simple as an everyday complaint.

Wow,

It's hot in here.

It's not hot in here.

Maybe it's you.

It's just you.

I don't think it's hot in here.

Simple everyday things.

This pizza is so good.

I've had better simple everyday things.

I feel like having ice cream.

No,

I don't feel like having ice cream.

You will be invalidated every turn.

And I'm not so sure that narcissists realize they do this.

I just think they have to in order.

Again,

It's a think.

I think they have to.

I don't think that they cannot invalidate other people.

Another way a narcissist will invalidate you is someone dies in your family and just when you need them the most,

They get sick or they fake being sick or they disappear or they have to go on vacation or you get sick.

Narcissist has to leave.

You get sick.

The narcissist has to get sicker.

Any time that there is a need for you to take center stage or you have the reflection on you or the spotlight on you where you're having a genuine moment,

A narcissist needs to invalidate that because in the narcissist's world,

The spotlight has to stay on them.

You serve them.

Every word that comes out of your mouth should be,

What do you need honey?

How do you feel honey?

That's awesome honey.

It can never be,

I think I feel I need,

I want.

No,

You don't.

That's not right.

You don't have right to think that.

That's stupid.

Who thinks like that?

Only crazy people think like that.

That's what happens.

If you watch,

If you've ever been in a narcissistic relationship and you step out of it,

Step out of it dear one,

And you observe,

You observe your relationship.

If you're dealing with a true narcissist,

What you will notice and what you will feel is that as long as you kept the focus on the narcissist tended to the,

What do you need sweetie pie?

How do you feel sweetie pie?

What are your needs?

Where do you want to go to eat sweetie pie?

What do you think I should do today sweetie pie?

What should I wear today sweetie pie?

You're the best sweetie pie.

What you will notice two people,

One relationship,

Two people focused on one person.

That's what you will notice.

What you will notice is that every time you try to be assertive,

You try to be an individual.

Why did you say that?

Why do you do that?

Why do you put salt on your food?

Why do you take butter from the top and not from the side?

Why do you butter both sides of the bread?

Who uses a spoon to take peanut butter out of a jar and uses the same spoon to take,

Shut up.

Why do you care Mr.

Narcissist or Mrs.

Narcissist?

How I eat my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Why do you care?

What,

What is it to you?

Why do you have to comment?

Because if you pay attention,

Anytime you step out and you do something that represents me or my eye,

Narcissist has to make a comment about it.

Why did you put those Christmas ornaments on that tree?

Do you think that they go?

Obviously dude,

If I put those ornaments on that tree,

I like them.

Why else would I put them on the tree?

Did you look in the mirror today before you left the house Lisa?

Yes I did and I like what I see.

I got dressed for me.

I didn't get dressed for you.

I mean,

This is the craziness.

This is the craziness that we deal with when we are in relationships with people who are narcissistic and it is their agenda to beat us down so much that we don't speak from the eye anymore.

And that's very,

Very dangerous.

And this all comes way through chronic invalidation.

So what can you do about it?

So you may,

You may have heard me talk a little bit about Shati Shati and just a little backstory.

When I was going through my divorce,

My ex used to text me or call me.

I'm no joke.

30 times a day was I'm,

I'm being conservative when I say 30 times a day,

There was a point where he was really,

Really struggling with losing control and it wasn't,

Was not pretty.

And I had a flip phone at the time and I was working at,

In a wellness center and I could hear my phone going off in my locker.

Now up until that point I was feeling oppressed and I got to a point where I wasn't afraid anymore and I started to go back at him,

Which is reactive abuse.

So I'm not afraid anymore.

I'm not that woman stuck between the toilet bowl and the tub anymore crying on my knees because you stopped paying the mortgage and you're not paying the credit card bills and the kids and I are running out of food in the house.

I'm not that woman anymore.

I moved out of the house.

I have my own house.

I have my own job.

I have my own clients.

I'm getting my power back.

And so I slipped for a while in this reactive mode where if you texted something nasty to me,

You got something back.

You texted something nasty to me.

I texted you back.

You insulted me.

I insulted you back and I got caught in that loop for a while and it just hit me one day to shut my phone.

So I opened up my phone.

I saw these texts.

I saw the insults coming and I just said,

Not today.

And I shut my phone.

That was the beginning of Shati Shati where I realized the power of just not responding,

The power of disengaging,

The power of letting go,

The power of allowing him to have his reality of me as skewed as it was as inappropriate and half-baked as it was as one-sided as it was as as how unfair as it was how as exploitative as it was because this is the thing when you're dealing with people who are highly narcissistic,

The stories that come out of their mouth are never the whole story.

So a narcissist will take a bit of truth and spin it like a tail to the point where you end up looking like the most horrible person in the entire world.

There is no accountability for what they're doing.

The agenda is to hurt you and that's it.

If they can't have you,

They're going to try to hurt you.

And so this is what I was going through.

And so I decided to shut the phone.

So that started Shati Shati.

This is a very powerful thing that you can do.

Disengage Shati Shati.

When you are when you know that you're dealing with someone who is highly narcissistic and they are invalidating you,

Your ability to disarm them lands in your ability to take back control.

Take your words back.

Hold on to your energy.

You disengage.

You say very little or anything at all.

The Grey Rock method is awesome.

You become boring.

So now what you do is you completely reverse all of those situations.

So this is someone your friend,

Your spouse,

Whoever your mother that you used to talk to about things that work.

Not anymore.

This is someone that you used to think should celebrate your successes.

Not anymore.

This is someone that if you were sad,

You should or you thought you should be able to go to them for comfort.

Not anymore.

This is someone that you think that you should be able to share a secret with that has to do with your friend.

Not anymore.

You're sad about something.

You don't tell them you hold on to all of this.

These golden human emotions within your own chest.

You stop feeding them.

The narcissist is waiting for you to show them an emotion.

It could be up and up emotion,

A really an amazing uplifting emotion like happiness and joy.

They're going to piss on it.

Don't give it to them anymore.

Don't.

If your emotions are sad and deep and low,

Then they're going to exploit them too.

Don't give them anymore.

They could be mundane like,

Wow,

It's hot in here.

No,

No.

As crazy as it sounds,

No,

Because a narcissist is built to invalidate you.

So try to remember when you're dealing with someone who is highly narcissistic and you're picking up on these patterns of invalidation and remember,

Let's all be fair.

The word narcissist gets thrown out a lot.

Someone that doesn't like you,

Someone that does want to be in a relationship with you does not mean that they're a narcissist.

It just means that they weren't into you,

That you're not their person and you're not their person.

And that's okay,

Which is great news because that means the right person is out there and you still have an opportunity to find them.

Right?

So that's awesome.

A narcissist is someone who exhibits these patterns over time.

It's a pervasive pattern of invalidation.

It's not once in a while you have a friend go,

Oh,

Knock it off.

You're being silly.

You know,

That's not the nicest thing for a friend to say when you're feeling vulnerable.

But if this friend is also,

And has also been there for you and has had empathy for you,

Then that's not her pervasive pattern.

So when you're trying to figure out if someone is a narcissist,

You're looking for a pervasive pattern of invalidation if you're looking for invalidation.

So it's across the board.

Another thing that you'll notice is it's not just with you.

It's with the waitress,

Especially with people that can do nothing for a narcissist.

You're going to notice that they invalidate the narcissist,

Anyone like a waitress or someone who is cleaning up in a hotel room,

Children even they'll invalidate children,

Children who are crying.

Oh,

Those kids have nothing to cry about.

They're annoying me.

It's all about the narcissist.

So you're going to see this across the board.

They're going to come home from work and they're going to tell you about how annoyed they are about people who are upset.

Speak.

Why?

Because a narcissist,

They're being frustrated because they can't get it.

They don't get it.

They don't get the empathy.

They're annoyed by this idea that they should think about someone else.

It annoys them.

And when you suggest that they are being narcissistic,

They turn it on you.

So they're invalidating you again.

When dealing with someone who is highly narcissistic and you're figuring out,

Try to remember to shut the shutty,

Try to remember to disengage,

Try to remember to detach,

Try to remember that there is absolutely zero.

I mean,

Zero benefit in arguing,

Arguing with someone who is highly narcissistic.

The minute you confront them,

Their brain goes into overdrive.

What do I mean by that?

They will come up with 10 more excuses for why you're wrong and they're right.

So when you challenge a narcissist,

You're agile,

Actually enhancing their narcissism.

You're giving their narcissism a stage.

So try not to argue with a narcissist.

The minute you figure it out,

Your job is to disengage.

Your job is to detach.

Your job is to shut the shutty and not argue.

Another thing that you want to do is get support.

Find people who understand this dynamic.

And also it's very important that you find someone who can validate you,

Who can assist you in understanding that this is chronic invalidation.

This is gaslighting.

This is a trauma bond.

This is why you doubt yourself.

This is why you feel the way you feel.

And this is what you need to continue to disengage and not give this narcissist what they need.

If you're living with a narcissist and you are reliant on a narcissist financially,

This can be very difficult.

However,

I think it's far better to know what you're dealing with and live with a narcissist than to not know what you're dealing with because now you are not giving them your power anymore.

So now if you need time,

If you need to buy yourself time,

You can.

Now you know that you are disempowering yourself when you offer the narcissist any of your emotions,

Especially emotions that represent your eye as an individual,

Right?

Yourself,

Your healthy narcissistic self.

In other words,

Like the healthy narcissism that we all need to have an eye so that I can say,

This is who I am.

This is what I think.

This is what I feel.

And this is what I need.

It's a healthy ego boundary.

So people who are healthy love themselves.

They know where their life is going.

They set goals,

But they're not doing it at the expense of other people.

Healthy people who are driven and have goals also have the ability to understand how what they do affects other people.

And so there isn't this stepping on other people's heads to achieve certain things.

So that's a really important distinction.

So if you're living with a narcissist,

Try to remember that the goal is to really disengage.

And if you are reliant on a narcissist,

Don't give this narcissist anything that they can use against you.

The last thing that you want to be aware of is try to keep in mind that this isn't personal.

This isn't about you as silly as it sounds.

It's going to feel like it's about you because when you're invalidated,

Of course you take that personally,

But try not to take chronic invalidation personally.

Try to see this as a personal challenge to fill up your own love tank.

That's a term that I learned from John Bradshaw,

Who was an amazing writer.

He actually wrote Healing the Shame that Binds You and I highly recommend it.

And so as you're holding onto your own energy,

You are validating yourself.

I think meditation is amazing.

It's free.

Anybody can do it anywhere.

Start meditating,

Start journaling.

Be careful about your journals when you're dealing with a narcissist and living with a narcissist because they love to go through your journals and they love to make you feel crazy about anything that you've written in a journal.

They'll turn everything around on you,

So be careful about that.

But certainly get in the habit of self-care,

Get in the habit of meditation,

Get in the habit of routine,

Get in the habit of getting out of the house and creating your own life and be careful about sharing what you learn with the narcissist because they're only going to invalidate you anyway,

Dear one.

I really hope that this has been helpful and I hope that what you're gaining from this content is empowerment,

Is clarity,

Is understanding that there is life after narcissism.

There is life after the narcissistic relationship.

There is life and there is abundance after healing from codependency.

And as far as I'm concerned,

If you're a codependent and you've found yourself in a narcissistic relationship or many,

Like so many of us have,

I hope you see this as an opportunity to really embrace the spiritual awakening journey because living above the veil of consciousness is all about dissolving illusions.

Certainly being codependent is an illusion because you were always good enough.

Codependence never feels good enough.

And as you heal,

You realize,

Wow,

I am good enough.

So you're dissolving the aspects of ego that have you stuck thinking that you're not good enough and seeking approval.

And certainly ending a narcissistic relationship is an opportunity for you to live above the veil of consciousness,

Pay attention to those red flags and rather than in the direction of what is unhealthy,

It gives you an opportunity to ebb in the direction of what is healthy.

There is life after all this stuff,

Dear one,

There really is.

So hang in there,

Keep growing.

Namaste,

Everybody.

Until next time.

Bye for now.

Reviews

Thanks so much! I really needed to listen to this. As it turns out, I’m staying at my mother’s home because I had a hysterectomy due to stage 0 endocervical cancer. My mother has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder by at least three or more therapists. Unfortunately, I don’t have any friends or relatives that I could have stayed with during the recovery period. I really needed to hear what you said about how the narcissist uses every opportunity to feed themselves because that’s what my mother has been doing. It’s been 3 weeks since I had the surgery…believe me, if I felt physically better, I’d get out! Thanks again!

Lisa thanks so much for your support today while I am going through my process of getting a divorce from a woman who I believe has strong narcissistic tendencies that I never realized
I now know where I am where I am going how to get there and will know when I get there
Namaste 🙏

Wow super motivated and feeling so empowered. Thank you! I will be listening again great content. Presented more tools and amazing wisdom Lisa. Thank you so very much for sharing your gifts and journey. 🙏❤️💕🌸

Fabulous, empowering and validating talk! Thank you so much. A lot is starting to make sense now.

Amazing.

Very enlightening! Thank you!

Great talk, thank you with love

Erased what I just wrote! Eyes everywhere. Have a feeling that I will not fight ever again. My gut and heart getting in sync but my mind is struggling with the anger and betrayal. Eyes wide open, mouth tightly shutie shutie! Damb I'm so pissed and devasted.

Thank you 🙏 Lisa! You so validated me! I have had many narcissistic people in my life. ( many family) that dis function lead me to fall into repeated narcissistic relationships. I have been pulling away, but felt guilty about it. This was so, just what I needed to hear!! Thank you 🙏 again!! I know I’m on the right track.
🙏✨💛💫🕊😊

The most inspiring and clearly organized podcast yet covering all aspects of abuse and excluding no one. Brave, honest, and well-informed insights into a level of abuse that should not exist but has become common place in the present day. Lisa does a rare good job of being INCLUSIVE of men on this topic, particularly here speaking about her son. Other experts inadvertently make men feel invisible or gaslight us on gender. Lisa does not ever do this. She gets it.

So accurate it’s chilling but the suggestions offered are incredibly useful. Thanks!

Wow this talk is so validating and filled with lots of learning opportunities. Also you got me laughing so hard and crying with tears of self compassion. 🌻

You made me laugh out loud and clap! Thank you.

This was so helpful and encouraging. Thank you so much 💕