Lektion 1
Risks And Consequences Of Setting Boundaries
It helps if we set boundaries with an open heart and compassion. Working with healthy boundaries in relationships is complex because it impacts our nervous system. At times we open and invite intimacy and authenticity, and we need to be able to say no when necessary. Boundaries help us communicate and sometimes we need a barrier.
Not everyone likes it when we set boundaries. It takes courage.
Lektion 2
What Will It Cost Me? Somatic Inquiry
We need people to be here when it matters and we need the space to grow and to be accepted as we change. In this somatic inquiry, we maintain awareness of our body, breath and thoughts in our mind as we practice setting boundaries around specific behaviors. We notice we’re feeling shut down and come back through some deep breathing. “We don't see this the same way.” “Please respect my decision and call before you come by”. We explore the risks and consequences when we set boundaries and also when we don’t.
Lektion 3
Being An Adult In Relationships
We enjoy life more when we are able to express our needs and be in honest, authentic relationships. Both people act like adults, taking equal responsibility for their emotional reactions, and they talk things out rather than acting things out. This doesn’t happen when our nervous system has activated a fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn survival response. We can learn tools to notice this in ourselves and others and to come back into emotional regulation.
Lektion 4
Practice Of Setting Boundaries With Words Somatic Inquiry
What words can I use to set a boundary? We might start with “Our relationship as it is now doesn't work for me. I'd like to work this out.”
We might need to move to something stronger. “When you have a disagreement with me I'd like you to use a lower tone and take a break if you're getting heated.” These are difficult words to say to someone.
We use somatic inquiry to do a walk-through and regulate our nervous system as we practice setting boundaries.
Lektion 5
Solve The Problem They Have With You
How would they state the problem? You don't have to agree with it. Your mind will come up with why they are wrong. From their perspective, as unreasonable as that might be, what would they say is the problem?
Do you need them to agree with you? Do you want them to change or they are pressuring you to change? With some issues, we can find middle ground and some we can’t.
Looking at how they see the problem can give you more information and help you decide your approach with them.
Lektion 6
My Parents Did The Best They Could
While it is true that our parents did the best they could, often it was not enough and not what we needed to feel safe and develop healthily through childhood. We can understand intergenerational trauma and the challenges faced by parents without minimizing or excusing their behavior.
Parents often don’t respect a child’s boundaries. Now that we are adults, we can see, be realistic about their capacity for change and deep connection, and set appropriate boundaries.
Lektion 7
Boundaries And Barriers With Parents - Somatic Inquiry
A benefit of doing a slow motion walkthrough of setting a specific boundary with a parent is that we can see what activates our survival responses and we can self-regulate. Our nervous system remembers potential danger and we become hyper-vigilant and stressed based on experience.
“We’re going to have lunch at Thanksgiving this year and no one will be drinking.” As we’re inquiring into stating a boundary like this, we keep coming back to our breath, safety in this moment, and taking our time as we look at thoughts of what might happen.
Lektion 8
Our Nervous Systems At Work
How much of our comfort or discomfort at work relates to our childhood and previous adult experiences -the look on a boss's face, tone of voice, body language, and feeling included or excluded. Someone else's anger or bullying at work is unwelcome, activating, and might emotionally flash us back to the way we felt as a child. With a stronger, more regulated nervous system, we see things clearly and take appropriate action with our adult agency and resources.
Lektion 9
Boundaries: Standing Up For Myself At Work
People are predictable. If someone has blown up at the office before, they likely will again and we can be prepared. In this somatic inquiry, we do a walkthrough of setting boundaries at work with someone angry with us. We take a deep breath and look them in the eye. What might we say? Inquiring gives us an idea of how threats from our childhood or other bosses affect us now. We see what might activate us, so we can work with them before we’re in a situation at work where we need to stand up for ourselves.
Lektion 10
Boundaries When Someone Else Is The Target
When a friend or a colleague is the target of a bully, we feel for the person being yelled at and we are also afraid they’ll come after us if we speak up. We’re adults now, and likely still have limited power at work.
There are consequences when we speak up and when we don’t. It's not enough just to work hard and be productive, we also need to deal with other people's dysregulated nervous systems.
We can improve our own mental health and the safety of the workplace by doing somatic awareness work, coming back into regulation, and allow ourselves to see clearly, love ourselves, and be on our own side.
Lektion 11
Authentic Nourishing Relationships With Healthy Boundaries
Before we set a boundary, we need to know where our boundaries are. Who do we feel safe with and who do we guard ourselves from? In healthy relationships, both people act like adults, taking equal responsibility for their emotional reactions, and we talk things out rather than acting things out. We build resilience in our nervous system so we can handle another adult being disappointed in us when we set a boundary. We are on our side with an open heart and compassion for ourselves and others.
