What does it mean to show up for yourself?
Most of us have a relationship with ourselves that's kind of distant and disconnected.
We might have a mean inner critic that's always condemning ourselves,
Always pushing us.
The last person that we're friendly with is ourselves.
We betray ourselves all the time by turning against ourselves,
By disconnecting,
By not paying attention.
Attuned empathy means that it's not too late to repair our relationship with ourselves.
We can attune now,
Even if we felt disconnected,
Even if we've been at war within.
We can attune to ourselves now.
Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson's wonderful new book,
The Power of Showing Up,
Is about how parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired.
The latest neuroscience says that we only need to be attuned about 30% of the time to develop a secure attachment to a parent,
And that even one supportive person in our childhood is enough.
We can begin to be that person for ourselves.
They talk about four S's.
Safety.
We can't really insulate ourselves from injury or avoid doing something that leads to hurt feelings.
As adults,
We can't,
And we had even less control when we were children.
By attuning to ourselves and by stopping that constant parade of criticism and aggression within,
We give ourselves a sense of a safe harbor,
And from there we can take risks to grow and to change.
We really see ourselves.
The second S is seen.
We pay attention to our emotions,
Both positive and negative,
And we strive to attune to what's happening inside,
Beneath our behavior.
Take a moment now to bring a behavior up that you feel ashamed about or that you regret.
Notice what it feels like in your body right now.
There might be thoughts,
Words,
Or pictures,
And there's probably some kind of tightening in your body.
Maybe you've stopped breathing.
You're holding your breath.
Your shoulders have gotten tight,
Your back and your neck.
Take a moment to stretch,
Relax your body,
And take a few deep breaths.
See if you can be present with what was going on beneath that behavior.
Were you scared,
Hurt?
By paying this close attention to ourselves,
We can begin to understand our trauma responses,
And we can begin to see what caused the behavior that we regret.
We soothe ourselves by developing resilience.
We're not trying to make life super easy.
That's not really how life works.
By consistently showing up for ourselves with kindness,
We begin to trust that we're not going to abandon ourselves.
We'll never have to suffer alone because we're on our own side and we see ourselves.
We become safe for ourselves.
We feel secure when we know that we can count on ourselves time and again to show up.
When we reliably provide safety,
We focus on seeing ourselves and soothe and self-regulate in times of need.
We will trust in a feeling of secure attachment and thrive.
It's never too late to repair our relationship with ourselves,
To be our own friend,
And to be on our own side.
Kindness and compassion are always available.
Focus that in your body.
Relax your shoulders,
Your gut.
Take a few deep breaths.
I'm here for myself.
I can count on myself to show up.
