How To: Set Boundaries Without Losing Love

Let's talk about boundaries and the number one mistake that keeps most of us from setting healthy boundaries and how to start setting boundaries without losing connection.

And without losing love and the people you love.

So check this out.

One of my best homies from college,

Ryan,

Had this big birthday party in Las Vegas.

But the issue was I had just stopped drinking because I was getting ready to start working on my first album.

And I don't know if any of you have ever dealt with something like this or had an experience where you promised someone that you were going to do something,

But then later realized that that thing probably wasn't that good for you.

What happens when we're in this situation is it usually leads to us being scared,

But most importantly,

It leads to the opportunity for us to set boundaries.

So what happened with Ryan was I had to have a really tough conversation with him to tell one of my best friends that I wasn't going to be able to go to his birthday party,

Even though I had already RSVP'd and made plans and promised that I was going to go.

And now obviously that wasn't easy,

But it was necessary because instead of prioritizing what someone else wanted of me,

I was prioritizing what was important to me and this is hard.

And for me,

It was working on my new album.

And for you,

It's going to be something else for you.

So I want to ask you,

What are you prioritizing in your life right now?

Because in that moment with Ryan,

I had to decide what was more important.

Me not disappointing my friend.

Or me risking not being able to sing on my album.

And I think we all have these moments where we know that we need to set a boundary,

Even with someone we love.

And I don't know about you,

But I know that this moment for me,

Every time it comes up is really hard because I never want to disappoint people.

And so in this video,

I've got a really special teaching for you on boundaries and how to actually set boundaries with the people you love without losing connection.

We got a couple songs.

I have a guided practice for you to help you get clear right now in this session on how you need to set a boundary with someone in your life today.

And of course,

As I do in all of these videos,

I have some practical tools to help you take this forward in your life.

So if you're ready,

Let's dive in.

Boundaries are not about fighting against what you hate.

Boundaries are about protecting what you love.

I'm going to say that again so it locks in.

Boundaries are not about fighting against.

What you hate.

Boundaries are about protecting.

What you love.

And when most of us set boundaries,

We completely leave love out of the equation.

All we think about with boundaries is pushing someone away or what we don't want.

But we forget that the real reason we're even setting a boundary in the first place.

Is to protect something that we care about.

Boundaries are really about giving something you love.

The space it needs to grow and to thrive.

So just like if you had like a new puppy or a new baby and it was starting to walk around and you lived in a two-story house,

You'd put up like the little guardrail that you put up at the top of the stairs or in front of the kitchen so that you can protect the baby.

And you put that guardrail up to make sure the baby or the dog doesn't fall down the stairs.

That guardrail is your boundary.

And you're not putting it up because you hate the stairs or you never want the baby or the puppy experience stairs.

You're putting up the boundary because you love the baby or that puppy and you want to make sure it stays safe.

You want to make sure it can grow.

And when you're becoming a new version of yourself,

When you are growing into that new version of yourself,

Because there's always a younger version of you that you're growing into and maturing into.

When you're trying to bring your vision to life,

When you're trying to bring your authentic self forward.

You need to set up guardrails too.

And these guardrails are boundaries.

Just like boundaries that we create in our life that allow this new version of you to have the safety the space that it needs to grow and thrive.

But what happens when we do this is we get hit with the biggest blocker of all.

And what I like to call it is something called the savior trap.

So the save your trap fools you into thinking that the reason you're not setting a boundary is because you just don't want to tell the other person right now because you just don't want to hurt their feelings or you care so much about them.

You care so much about this person you need to set a boundary with that you're going to just wait until it happens again or until you find a good moment to talk about it.

That's the trap.

Because the truth is,

With all the thousands of people I've worked with from all over the world,

The real reason we delay setting boundaries isn't because we care so much about the person,

Even though we fooled ourselves since I'm thinking that.

It's because we're wanting to avoid.

Having to sit with that person's disappointment in response to what's true for us.

And we don't want to sit with their disappointment.

So really it becomes selfish.

And so what happens is we can be so committed to keeping the peace that we are completely willing sometimes to abandon our own truth.

And abandon something we love and care about.

And risk it not having the space to grow and thrive,

All because we don't want to have to feel another person disappointed in us.

And this is why the number one thing boundaries require.

Is a tolerance for disappointment.

So what's something.

.

.

That is growing in you right now.

That you need to set a boundary or a guard rail around.

So that it has the space to grow and thrive.

In a moment.

We're going to do a practice together to help you figure that out.

And it's going to help you overcome this potential disappointment.

But first.

.

.

I've got something a little nostalgic for you.

It's one of my favorite songs.

It's a song that will help you Get the strength to set the boundaries that you need.

I know it's always helped me do that.

I hope you enjoy this one.

I'm doing this tonight.

You're probably gonna start a fight.

I know this can't be right.

Hey,

Baby,

Come on.

I loved you endlessly and you weren't there for me.

So now it's time to leave and make it alone.

I know that I can't take no more.

It ain't no lie.

Door baby bye bye bye don't wanna be a fool for you just another player in your game for two You may hate me,

But it ain't no lie Baby,

Bye,

Bye,

Bye Don't really want to make it tough I just want to tell you that I've had enough You might sound crazy,

But it ain't no lie.

Baby,

Bye,

Bye,

Bye.

Anything you could ever wish for.

Is right there and available to you.

All you have to do is stand up.

Your own growth and your own transformation.

And sometimes people will come into your life to try to push you down.

But when that happens,

All you got to say.

Is it ain't no lie,

Baby,

Bye,

Bye,

Bye.

Let's dive into our practice now.

To get clear on your boundaries.

First have to get clear.

On whether there's a situation or a person in your life that's having a negative impact on you.

And then,

You have to identify your limits.

So let's go ahead now and explore this together in a short practice.

Go ahead and start by getting comfortable in your body,

Just really relaxing into yourself.

Closing your eyes if you're comfortable doing so,

And place your hands over the center of your chest.

And then take a deep,

Full breath in with me.

And a deep breath out.

Again,

Take a full deep breath in,

Expanding fully into yourself and hold the breath at the top.

Sip in a little more air if you can.

And now with a sound,

Let it all out.

One last time.

Fullest breath that you've taken all day expand into yourself make more space for you And now hold the breath.

Hold it.

And with the sound,

Let it out.

Now just stay in this.

Silent internal space.

And ask yourself,

What is one heart?

Of myself.

Or of my life.

That needs some protection right now so that it can grow.

What is one part of myself?

Or of my life.

That needs some protection right now.

So that it can have the space to grow.

To see what comes to you.

And now given that.

.

.

Ask yourself,

With who Or with what?

To I need.

To set better boundaries with.

To give this thing the space it needs to grow.

I'll ask it again.

With who or with what?

Do I need to set better boundaries with to give this thing?

The space it needs to grow.

And now ask yourself,

Who might I disappoint?

When I do this.

Who might I disappoint when I do this?

Just trust what arises.

Next ask yourself.

Why does this thing matter to me at all?

Why do I care about this thing growing in my life?

Why do I care about this thing growing in my life?

And last but not least,

Ask yourself this.

Knowing all that I know now.

What is my next?

Best.

What is my next best action?

When you have that,

Just take a deep breath in.

And a deep breath out.

And another deep breath in.

And a breath out.

You got this.

When you're ready,

You can open your eyes.

Just remember that when you're getting ready to have a conversation about boundaries,

You have to focus on telling the person why this thing is important to you in the first place,

Why it matters to you,

Not just why you need to push them away.

I want to make sure that you know.

Just how important it is.

That you live your life.

In a way that allows you to have the space.

To grow and expand in all the ways that are important to you,

That you set the boundaries needed for your true self to thrive.

And so this song,

Is a prayer for that intention,

That we don't get stuck in the disappointment trap.

But that we live our lives.

In our own time.

Enjoy this intention.

Called my time.

I'm gonna live my life do it on my own time i'm gonna change the world Shine a light where the sun don't shine I'm gonna live my life I'm gonna live my life one step,

One breath,

All at one time.

I'm free,

I'm fine Sick and tired of being the one they always count on God knows I traveled this lonely road for way too long.

I just want to rest my head.

I just want to rest my leg.

I deserve to rest.

I deserve to rest.

Rest assured the shadows of my darkness will never haunt me.

And even if I stop,

I still won't stop believing.

I can be free,

No matter if they let me.

When faith abandons me,

I will still believe I'm gonna live my life Do it on my own time.

I'm going to change the world.

Shine light where the sun don't shine,

I'm gonna live my life.

I'm gonna live my life one step,

One breath,

All at one time.

I'm free,

I'm fine.

It's okay.

Sometimes.

If you have to let people down,

If you have to disappoint them,

As long as you are not disappointing yourself.

As long as you are standing for your own truth and protecting what you love and not pushing people away,

Then you're free or fine.

So go ahead and take a deep breath in with me.

And a deep breath out And place your hands over the center of your chest and close your eyes for just one more moment.

And ask yourself,

What is the golden nugget or key takeaway that you're taking from this session today?

And whenever you have it,

Open your eyes and note that down for yourself so that you can keep this lesson for your own growth.

Now my golden nugget is this.

Even though I had to have a really tough conversation with my friend Ryan that I told you about.

Because I did it using the proper skills to setting healthy boundaries.

That conversation about me not going to his birthday didn't jeopardize our relationship.

And we are still alive.

Such great friends now.

We travel all over the world together.

And all these years later,

We've become closer and closer.

And most importantly,

I was able to put out my album of music and take care of my voice.

And so what happened here is I was able to keep the love I needed for myself.

And maintain the love.

With my friend at the same time.

And I hope that now you can see that when you set boundaries with the right skills,

That you can do this too.

And that boundaries are not about pushing people away.

But they're about protecting what you love.

And I hope that this session brought you even just a little bit closer.

To making space for the true you.

To thrive.

Thank you so much for being with me in this session.

And I'll see you in the masterclass.