Should You Disclose Your ADHD

Should you disclose your ADHD to other people?

I don't know.

Let's think about it.

It's not an accident that this video comes sort of towards the end of this whole series because you really want to make kind of a well-thought-out,

Well-informed decision about this before you decide to share or not share.

So let's talk about how to think about it,

What it means,

What the implications might be.

So first of all,

Let's start with self-respect.

I mean that's kind of an obvious and important and good place to start,

But there's nothing wrong with having ADHD.

Everybody is good at some things and not as good at other things,

Right?

So ADHD is not unique.

This is just this sort of variation of human abilities across different people.

So there's nothing wrong at all with having ADHD,

But private information is private.

You don't tell all your secrets to everybody you meet,

Hopefully.

So there's nothing wrong with saying,

I have ADHD,

But you also have no obligation to say,

I have ADHD.

So let's figure out how to sort of find that balance.

The goal here in terms of this video is to do it in kind of a well-thought-out way in that if you're kind of insecure in yourself,

If you're insecure about having ADHD,

It's probably going to come out in like a messier sort of a way,

Which is why this video comes towards the end here.

And by messy,

What I mean is like you might tell more than you intend to.

You might tell not enough,

Right?

You just sort of say a little bit,

But not enough to really kind of like do what you're trying to do with it,

Or you sort of explain things in the wrong way.

It's just,

I don't know,

Like it's just not effective in terms of what you're hoping.

So to begin with,

Then,

You need to really take the time to understand how ADHD impacts what you do,

To sort of understand all the rest of who you are,

Right?

And if we're talking about productivity,

Then like what is the rest of your sort of strengths and weaknesses and how does this all kind of like,

You know,

Relate to each other,

And to really sort of integrate this into how you see yourself as a person in the world.

So first,

We got to be clear within ourselves before we bring anybody else into it.

So this brings me to my friend Stephanie Sarkis has this awesome line,

ADHD is the worst kept secret.

In other words,

If you're not managing it well,

It's not like it's a secret that you have ADHD anyway,

Right?

So this whole thing of like,

Oh,

I don't want to tell anyone,

They probably know something already.

So in terms of that,

Then,

If you're not managing your ADHD well,

It will definitely be visible to other people.

And we've kind of talked about this through some of the other videos that people will see it.

They'll see something,

Right?

They tend to run late.

They forget things.

They leave stuff behind and then they got to come back and get it.

They,

You know,

Tend to do stuff at the last minute.

They forget what people say in meetings,

Right?

Like they will notice those behaviors.

The question,

Though,

Is how do they explain it to themselves,

Right?

Do they say,

Oh,

I think that person has ADHD?

Maybe.

Or are they like,

Yeah,

They just don't take their job that seriously.

Or like,

I don't know,

They don't actually seem that smart.

Or whatever explanation that they come up with to explain the sort of behaviors that they witness.

The good news in this,

Though,

Is the better you manage your ADHD,

Whether it's through treatment,

Like,

You know,

Medication or seeing a therapist,

Whether it's working with a coach,

Whether it's applying the strategies that we're talking about.

All of this makes those symptoms of ADHD less visible,

Which then actually gives you an option to not disclose,

Right?

That if you're managing it well,

ADHD can be a secret.

But it's like a lot of stuff in life.

If you're not managing it well,

It's much more obvious that something is going on there.

One of the ways of thinking about it then is,

You know,

I don't know,

Managing your ADHD better might not make you into like,

You know,

Some like rigid,

You know,

Whatever.

But it turns your sort of symptoms into kind of colorful quirks,

You know,

Like,

Oh,

That's just Jenny.

What are you going to do?

Right.

But otherwise,

They have like good feelings and good impressions.

So in terms of this,

Then,

Obviously,

Like,

You have some obligation to yourself,

At least,

To kind of manage this stuff well.

But also,

There's kind of the question here of how reasonable is it to expect other people then to overlook your insufficiently managed symptoms,

Right?

That if,

You know,

You tend to forget to,

You know,

Follow up on things and stuff doesn't get done,

You know,

If you're kind of,

If you appear to be sort of cavalier about it,

Are other people going to be kind of cool with just rolling with it,

You know?

Or does there come a point where they begin to feel frustrated that they're working harder at managing your forgetfulness than you are working on it?

But when it comes to disclosing ADHD or,

Frankly,

Anything,

You know,

Disclosure really depends on both people,

Right?

A disclosure involves two people.

One person says something to another person.

But it's not just about whether it's not just about how you feel about ADHD and,

You know,

How secure are you within yourself.

But it's also an issue of,

Like,

The other person's trustworthiness in the sense that if,

I don't know,

I mean,

It's sort of like if somebody makes a racist comment,

Probably you have a negative thought about them,

Right?

You don't have a negative thought about the race that they're commenting upon,

Right?

That sometimes if someone doesn't respond well to something,

Maybe it tells us something about them.

And it's sort of like I'm not disclosing my personal information to that person because they don't seem trustworthy.

They don't seem like a safe person who's going to handle that well.

So nope,

I'm not going to tell them.

Not handling it well also includes blabbing it out to other people.

So sharing private information with others is not okay,

Obviously.

So there's that.

It's not just that they'll be angry and critical,

But they might sort of divulge it to others against your desire.

There's an issue also that,

You know,

There are some people who,

For whatever reasons or let's just say invested in a particular narrative about a person,

Right?

As in,

Like,

You know,

You're the one who's the problem around here.

You don't take things seriously.

You're just not a responsible person,

Right?

Like that they found that idea and they're sticking to it.

And then no matter what you explain to them,

They're sort of tied to that narrative.

Frustrating,

Disappointing,

But I don't know.

You can't change someone's mind if they don't want it to be changed.

But,

You know,

In terms of.

This sharing of information,

I have a saying that you can't punish honesty and expect the truth,

Right?

People who respond poorly to things tend not to be told things.

That's just like a basic,

Obvious truth.

Right?

So,

You know,

Whether you disclose or not,

Definitely need to think about who it is that you're disclosing to and how you think that they're going to handle that information.

So here's my slogan,

Then,

When it comes to disclosing.

It's talk symptoms before diagnosis.

That,

In other words,

That,

You know,

Instead of saying I have ADHD,

So therefore I have trouble remembering to do things later.

You just cut to the I have trouble remembering to do things later part,

Right?

That's the symptom.

You don't necessarily have to say I have ADHD.

And therefore,

Now,

The thing about it is,

You know,

As as Steph said,

Right?

It's probably not a secret anyway,

Right?

If you're telling someone,

Hey,

I have trouble remembering to do things later.

Probably they've got a bit of an inkling about that already,

Because otherwise,

You know,

They're probably not going to be falling out of their chair when you tell them this.

But it gives you a chance to kind of get ahead of the story.

I use this line in a prior video.

But to say,

Hey,

I have trouble remembering to do things later,

But therefore,

You know,

It would be really helpful if blah,

Blah,

Blah.

Or I have trouble remembering to do things later.

I know it's really important,

And I do the best I can,

But sometimes things fall through the cracks.

To help them understand what's going on behind the scenes,

Right,

What's going on in your head,

What are your intentions,

The fact that you understand it,

You get it,

You have empathy about the impact on other people.

And that you're not sort of clueless or,

You know,

Defensive about it.

Now,

One of the other benefits of talking symptoms before diagnoses is that it's a bit of a test drive,

Right?

Like,

Let's see how this person does with it.

Do they respond well?

Are they judgmental?

Are they critical?

You know,

You can sort of float something smaller out there and then see what they do with it.

So let's put this to work.

Reflect on a situation or reflect on how you feel about having ADHD and how that might impact how you would disclose it to others.

So are you sort of like okay with it?

Where you get it?

You're like,

Look,

We all got things that we like about ourselves.

We all got things we wish might be different.

But also,

You know,

I think I'm doing okay here.

Or I feel really embarrassed about this ADHD thing.

I wish this wasn't true,

Right?

There's going to be two very different disclosures depending on where you're coming from.

Second thing,

Think about why you have or haven't disclosed your ADHD and to who.

You know,

Is this still your best option?

Now,

Obviously you can't undisclose when someone's told they're told.

But are there some people that maybe you haven't told but maybe you would like to?

Maybe that would be helpful.

I don't know.

Let's think about it.

And then finally,

Craft some language you can use to talk symptoms before diagnoses for when you might need it,

Right?

So if you were to,

You know,

Say this to someone rather than sort of like winging it on the spot,

I think it's helpful sometimes to sort of have some language already in mind.

And maybe like write it out,

You know,

And really sort of think about like,

Okay,

What does the job best?

How do I want to say this?

So a few things to think about.

And,

You know,

As with everything else,

Making really kind of wise,

Well-informed,

Well-thought-out decisions about what you do.