The Two States That Shape Your Reality

Hi there,

Kinga here.

In this video I want to talk about something that quietly shapes almost every part of our lives,

But most people don't even realize that it's happening.

Just to simplify it,

Just to make it easy to understand,

I'm going to describe it as two main states that you move through.

And depending on which state you are in,

Looking at the exact same situation can feel completely different.

So depending on which state you are in,

You will likely make different choices,

Different decisions about the same thing.

Because these states influence how you think,

How you react,

What you notice,

And even what you end up creating in your life,

Or what you manifest,

If you want to use that word.

So today I want to walk you through these two states,

How they show up in real life,

And how you can start catching them in yourself,

Or catching yourself being in them.

So you're not just reacting to life,

But actually get to consciously choose the state that creates more ease and clarity and expansion for you.

Now this is something I work with deeply,

Not just in my own life,

But also with my clients,

Helping them move from contraction to expansion.

And you probably guessed it by now,

These are the two states,

Contraction and expansion.

And I want to show you what they actually mean,

And how they shape your everyday experience.

Have you ever noticed how you can be one version of yourself one day,

And a completely different person the next?

Like,

One day you feel calm and clear and open,

And you trust yourself,

You trust life,

And you feel connected,

Even loving towards other people around you.

And then suddenly,

Or the next day,

You're overthinking,

You're doubting,

You're reacting in ways that don't even feel like you.

Maybe you're closing off,

You're pulling back,

You're wanting to run away,

Or just control everything.

And the confusing part is that both of them are you.

And these two versions can feel completely different about the exact same situation or same person standing right in front of you.

It's like two different people are looking at the same thing.

But it's still you,

Just in different states.

And I see this in the people I work with all the time.

People who are intelligent,

Self-aware,

Doing the inner work,

And still find themselves stuck in patterns they thought they had already outgrown.

They get triggered,

And suddenly they are back in that same old reaction,

The old version of themselves that they believed they had already released.

And I started noticing this in myself too.

Like I can switch between the two versions almost within the same second,

Within the same conversation,

Especially in conflict.

Like one moment I am grounded and open,

And then something happens,

Something triggers me,

And then I react from fear,

From protection,

From lack of love.

And what really stood out to me was how different everything becomes in those moments.

The decisions I make,

The way I see the other person,

Even my feelings about the relationship that I am in can shift within minutes.

And when I find myself in contraction,

In that good old protective,

Fearful state,

My system starts collecting evidence to support it.

It will even dig up,

Bring up old memories and reinterpret them in a way that reinforces my fear,

My hurt,

My anger,

My pain.

And unfortunately,

This isn't just something that lasts for a moment.

We can actually stay in either of these states for hours,

For days,

Sometimes even longer.

Now ideally,

Of course,

We want to spend most of our time in expansion,

Like feeling more open,

Grounded,

Guided by a sense of safety and connection,

And only move through contraction briefly whenever something actually requires it.

Because the state we are in doesn't just change how we feel inside.

It also shapes what we notice,

How we interpret things and how we respond.

And that,

Over time,

Shapes the reality we experience or the reality we create for ourselves.

So when we stay in contraction,

We are more likely to see problems and we are more likely to expect disappointment,

React in ways that create more distance or tension,

And then experience more of that in return.

Because that's what we are expecting.

Not because something is wrong with us,

But because we are moving through life from a state that's designed to protect,

Not to connect or create,

Which is why it becomes so important to notice when we are in contraction and then learn how to gently shift ourselves back into expansion,

Because it's possible.

So I got really curious about these states and how they shape our thoughts and our emotions and our actions and how to actually notice which one we are in and which version of ourselves we are listening to in that particular moment.

And if we can change our state,

We can change our experiences,

The reality we create for ourselves.

And in this video,

I want to teach you a few simple tricks that I also use myself,

How to do just that.

In order to be able to shift from one state to the other,

I think we need to understand better how they show up so we can develop a sense of awareness and notice which one we are in.

And I also like to invite you,

Instead of labeling them as good or bad,

Just,

You know,

Let's keep referring to them the way we've done so far and the way they feel on the inside and the outside,

Contraction and expansion.

So not good and bad,

But contraction and expansion.

Or in nervous system terms,

Safe or survival.

Now,

The expanded version of you is when you feel open in your body.

Your thoughts are clearer,

You're not trying to force or control everything,

Not rushing to make decisions,

Not rushing to act,

May that be fight or flight.

You just trust,

Even if you don't have all the answers,

You trust.

You are open to know more,

To hear more.

You can stay curious,

You are confident,

You feel you matter,

You are capable,

You're more here,

More present,

More you.

And then there's the other one,

The other version of you,

The contracted version.

Now,

This is you when your body tightens and your mind speeds up,

Your heart rate too,

Probably.

You start overthinking,

Doubting,

Reacting,

Probably making quick and emotional decisions about important things,

Or not being able to make decisions at all.

Maybe you raise your voice,

You get defensive and start to argue,

Or you run away,

Fight or flight.

Or you feel like you need to protect yourself.

Somehow your focus is more on yourself,

Just you,

Your safety.

You cannot or do not want to empathize with or validate others.

Your focus just simply narrows.

And I think some people experience contraction as feeling like they are not enough,

Not worthy,

Not wanting to be seen,

Not feeling confident.

There's a subtle shrinking,

Wanting to hide.

It could be shame too.

And this one is not wrong,

Okay?

This is your survival self.

I used to judge myself and even my partners for being in survival because of their actions and my actions.

Then I started looking at it with compassion.

This changed everything for me.

So the contracted version of you is not your enemy.

It's not the bad guy or the scary or the weak part of you.

It's actually the part of you that is trying to protect you.

It learned that at some point in your life it wasn't safe to be fully open,

To be you,

To give and receive,

To express.

So it steps in and then it just contracts.

It questions everything.

And once you start seeing this,

You begin to notice it everywhere,

In relationships,

Decision-making,

And in the smallest moments in everyday life,

Like replying to a message,

Posting something online,

Or speaking up in a conversation.

In those moments,

You can feel it directly in your body,

Whether you are moving from expansion or from contraction.

This is very important to develop that awareness in our body because that will always tell us which state we are in.

Let's talk about how to shift from contraction to expansion.

The first step is,

And honestly the hardest one,

Is awareness.

Because when you're in it,

It feels like,

This is me,

This is okay,

This is valid.

So whether you're contracted or expanded,

It feels like the real you in that moment.

You're going to justify your emotions,

Your reactions,

Your decisions,

Your thoughts.

They all feel true and valid.

So the practice is to start noticing.

Not from the mind first,

But from the body.

Like,

Does it feel like contraction or expansion?

Do you feel tight or open?

Is there a sense of connectedness or separateness?

And if you notice contraction,

That's your moment.

That's the moment not to make big decisions,

Not to act immediately,

Just to notice.

Because contraction often comes with urgency.

Like,

You need to say something quick,

You need to decide something right now,

In this moment,

You need to fix something.

But that urgency is part of the state,

So it's a good giveaway,

Urgency.

And one simple way I check in with myself is asking,

Do I feel love or a lack of it toward a person or a situation or just in general?

And lack of love can also feel like fear,

But it doesn't always feel like obvious fear.

Sometimes it's more subtle.

It can be tension,

Irritation,

Numbness,

Distance,

Even just a quiet sense of unease in the body.

And another question that I use is,

Do I feel compassion or judgment?

Because when you're judging someone or their actions,

You're not in that open,

Expanded state,

I guarantee you,

Because judgment and love do not really coexist in the same moment.

Judgment creates separation,

And that separation often comes from protection.

When you feel safe,

When you're in expansion,

There's nothing to defend.

There's nothing to protect.

So instead of trying to get rid of judgment,

Just notice it without judging it.

It's the key,

Guys.

Like,

Notice that you're judging without judging it.

And get curious,

Like,

What am I protecting right now?

What feels unsafe here?

Because often,

Underneath judgment,

There's something deeper.

Hurt,

Fear,

Shame.

And when that is felt,

When you actually allow yourself to just sit with that feeling,

Judgment tends to soften on its own.

And love isn't something you do or force.

It's what's left when there's nothing being resisted,

When there's no contraction,

Just expansion.

And that kind of love is not something that we create.

It's something we just uncover.

I actually remember the first time I really felt this.

It was during a trauma release breathwork session,

And it was just so expensive,

Almost overwhelming in the most beautiful way.

And I remember I started crying.

They were happy tears,

Of course,

Because it felt like something was opening so wide inside of me,

Like it was just overflowing,

And all I wanted to do was just open my arms and let that feeling move outward toward everything and everyone.

And that's when I understood that it's already there.

It's not something I've got to go and chase or get somewhere.

It's already there.

We just tend to cover it with the layers of pain,

Protection,

And past experiences.

So again,

It's not about getting rid of judgment.

It's about noticing it without judging the judgment,

Just getting curious.

What am I protecting right now?

What feels unsafe here?

And then allowing whatever is underneath to come up and move.

So again,

You don't force love.

You just remove what's in the way by letting what's there to be felt and released.

And this is exactly what I support my clients with in my one-on-one trauma-release breathwork sessions.

We don't try to fix anything from the mind.

We definitely don't use the mind.

We work with somatic techniques,

And we create enough safety in the body for these stored emotions like the fear,

The hurt,

The shame,

Or whatever to come up and move through.

And as that happens naturally without forcing or effort,

The system opens.

And what's left is that sense of expansion,

Connection,

And love.

And I started playing with it in a more personal way as well because I wanted it to feel real,

Not just like a concept in my head.

So instead of just using the words expanded or contracted,

You can do what I did.

You can actually give these versions new names.

So for me,

They sound like instead of using my real name,

Which is Kinga,

I call it Kinga and Klinga.

And Kinga is the one who is open,

Grounded,

And leading from trust because Kinga sounds like an exhale to me.

And then the other one,

Klinga,

Is the one who scans and protects and just questions everything.

And you can feel the difference,

Right?

One just flows,

And the other one contracts and holds on.

And when I notice that I am being Klinga,

I can just pause and simply name it.

Ah,

This is Klinga right now.

I'm in my Klinga mode.

And that might sound simple or stupid,

But it's actually really powerful because the moment you name it,

You create a little bit of distance or separation or space between you and the state that you're in.

You're no longer fully inside it,

Reacting from it,

Believing everything it says,

But you're just,

You know,

Observing it from a healthy distance.

And that shift from being it to noticing it,

This is where your power comes back.

And it also softens the judgment.

Instead of thinking,

What's wrong with me?

You can see it as,

Ah,

Of course.

This part is here.

It's just trying to protect me.

And from that place,

You don't have to fight it or get rid of it.

You can just acknowledge it,

Maybe say thank you to it,

And then just gently choose.

Like,

Do I want to keep moving from this place,

Or is there another way I can respond right now?

Or maybe not respond at all in this moment.

So that's why giving it a name can be so useful.

It makes something unconscious visible.

And once you can see it,

You can start to work with it instead of being run by it.

So how do you actually shift once you've developed the awareness to notice when you are in contraction?

Well,

Definitely not by forcing yourself into expansion,

And definitely not by telling yourself to just calm down or be more loving.

It doesn't work.

You can try and see it for yourself,

But it doesn't work.

Because contraction is happening in the body,

Not just in the mind.

So instead,

The shift happens by creating a little bit of safety in your system.

And safety doesn't have to be big or complicated.

It can be very simple,

Very physical.

Now,

For example,

You can just take a few slower and deeper breaths,

Especially focusing on making your exhales longer than your inhales,

Like this.

Just do it a few more times.

Because longer exhales signal to your nervous system that it's safe to relax.

You can also just slow your body down.

Even small movements matter.

Like you can do gently swaying from side to side or rocking slightly back and forth.

These can all help your nervous system regulate.

And then there's humming.

Humming on the exhale is another powerful tool.

Like inhale.

And when I'm exhaling,

I'm also humming.

This vibration stimulates the vagus nerve,

Which helps your body shift out of stress response.

You can also bring in touch.

Like give yourself a nice self-hug and stay with it.

Or just holding your face or jaw like this.

Try it.

Because this kind of gentle contact can feel very grounding and reassuring for your nervous system.

Almost like you're telling your body that I am here and I am safe.

And you can also use your muscles.

For example,

This is one of my favorites because it really works for me.

Gently squeezing and releasing different parts of your body or your whole body.

But you can also just do it with your fist.

Like contracting your fist.

Pushing your hand against the wall for about 20 seconds.

Like pushing it with full force.

And then just slowly releasing.

Now what this does is help your body complete that stress response.

In contraction,

Your system is often holding energy that wants to move.

And by engaging the muscles and then releasing them,

You allow that tension to just discharge on its own,

Which can bring your body back into a more regulated and open state.

Now these small physical cues remind your system that you're here.

That you are safe.

And even just pausing long enough to notice what you're actually feeling instead of immediately reacting can already begin to shift your state.

You can also support this shift with asking questions.

I really like open-ended questions to support processes like this.

Like,

How can I feel just 2% more open right now?

Or what would my expanded self choose in this moment?

And we're not forcing an answer,

But we're just gently opening the door to another possibility.

Because the expanded version of you is not something you have to become.

It's already there.

Just like how it is with love that I told you about.

It just comes online when your system feels safe enough.

So next time you notice yourself reacting or closing or shrinking or contracting or overthinking,

Instead of judging it,

Just pause.

And notice which version of me is here right now.

And what would open me just a little,

Just 2% more.

And you don't need to go from contracted to perfect.

Just a little more space.

A little more awareness.

That's what it takes.

And from there,

Everything starts to shift.

Trust me.

Go give it a try.

And the more you start noticing this,

The more your life begins to change.

Not because everything on the outside suddenly becomes perfect,

But because you are no longer moving through life from that constant state of fear or contraction.

You probably start catching it earlier.

You probably start creating space faster.

And over time,

Expansion becomes more available and more familiar in your whole body.

More natural,

More like home.

And from there,

Your decisions change.

Your relationships change.

You feel better.

You love better.

So you live better.

You will notice better opportunities,

Create better opportunities.

Even the way you experience yourself changes.

You begin to show up as a more loving,

Confident,

Calm,

Grounded person.

Someone who can move through challenges with more ease.

And if you've been trying to figure this out on your own and keep finding yourself stuck in the same patterns,

I really recommend exploring somatic trauma release work with a professional.

Because this isn't just mindset work.

It's not about thinking differently.

It's about working with the body,

With the nervous system,

Where these patterns actually live.

And sometimes having someone guide you through it to help you feel what's underneath,

To create that safety in your body,

Can shift things much faster than trying to think your way out of it.

So if this resonates with you,

Just start by noticing.

Start catching those moments.

And if you are curious to go deeper into this work,

You'll probably find your way to me or my courses and my meditations.

Take care.

Bye-bye.