Lesson 1
Being Giraffe Versus Doing Giraffe
This first session looks at distinguishing (1) focusing on technique and superficiality versus (2) authenticity and awareness. How do I show up in moments of meaningful connection? And what are the pitfalls?
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Lesson 2
Giraffe Honesty Versus Jackal Honesty
What does it mean to be 'honest'? And do we perhaps sometimes bypass honesty while trying to sound sincere? This session provides a clear answer to these and surrounding questions. Because let's be honest, it's very important!
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Lesson 3
Empathy Versus Sympathy
How can we be completely on someone's side, without actually agreeing with them? Is that even possible? Moreover, how to be on everyone's side, while completely showing up for our friends or family members and partners, who are in a mode of trigger, or complaining? Enter the difference between empathy and sympathy.
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Lesson 4
Protective Versus Punitive Use Of Force
A nuanced topic where it's very important to see clearly what matters: intentions & awareness, not rules set in stone. With this in mind, join me as we try to understand the question of how to balance avoidance of transgression with avoidance of inaction.
Much more is spoken about; I hope you enjoy this session and that it brings you clarity on the topic of freedom, choice, compassion, and force.
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Lesson 5
Power Over Versus Power With
The paradigm of Nonviolent Communication, or 'Mindful Communication', holds dear the values of human sharing and equality, interdependence, compassion and cooperation.
In this session, we take a close look at how--that is in what spirit--power is distributed in our world, and we distinguish the forceful way of 'power over' from the more trusting way of 'power with'. I hope you find enjoyment & clarity in this session.
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Lesson 6
Appreciation Versus Approval
Once you've experienced the connecting beauty of NVC-style appreciation, you'll never receive 'mere' compliments the same way--that is my claim and bet, once you've tasted this distinction.
It's easily one of my favorite clarities in this discernment series because I've enjoyed so much getting to know a way of sharing appreciation, through the practice of NVC, that truly connects. I'm very curious how you like this one.
A note: the idea here is not so much to 'correct' people on how to show appreciation, but rather to insist that their attempt at touching my heart succeeds!
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Lesson 7
Choice Versus Submission Or Rebellion
The way I see it: even in the most difficult external circumstances, we have a choice. Sometimes, that choice is limited to acceptance of what is. And yet, however lacking our freedom might feel in such situations, relating to our choicefulness is immensely important, because as humans--I believe--freedom is in our nature, and it wants to be lived.
In this session we look at how connecting to choice can save us from the paralyzing pressure of submission and the equally disempowered state of rebellion.
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Lesson 8
Observation Versus Evaluation
"Seeing things as seeing sees things."
If you want to know what makes you (or others) angry when someone cuts you off in traffic, this session will be interesting I think. Because I share here a core NVC insight: what we think facts are and what they really are, don't always track.
When we embody the wisdom of separating evaluation from observation, we have made an enormously important step in our spiritual practice and mindful communication.
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Lesson 9
Feeling Versus Feeling Mixed With Thoughts, And 'Pseudo-Feelings'
In this session, we tease apart the entanglement we can get into when we mix feelings with thoughts, and say things like 'I feel manipulated' or 'I feel that he is a good teacher'.
Using the awesome story I once had in a dream, I hope this session serves to clarify this often-overlooked confusion.
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Lesson 10
Needs Versus Requests
Whenever we communicate, and want that to be clear, it's worth considering what it is what we want from the person we're speaking to. Enter the distinction between Needs and Requests.
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Lesson 11
Request Versus Demand
(person A) "Would you please open the door for me?"
(person B) "no, sorry"
(person A) "grrr......"
.... now, was this a request or a demand...? And why?
After this session, you'll know exactly how to answer this. Enjoy!
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Lesson 12
Stimulus Versus Cause
To discern what *stimulates* emotional reactivity and what *causes* it, is a great wisdom that mindful communication brings. I hope you too find this clarity freeing and contributing to your awareness.
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Lesson 13
Value Judgments Versus Moralistic Judgments
When we speak from a paradigm of right/wrong thinking, we put ourselves in the seat of a judge, and pass out evaluations to other human beings. This is an age-old way of relating and it hasn't always served us so well when it comes to connecting.
This session reveals why exchanging assessments based on needs or values works so much better for empathic relating. I'd love to hear what you think of this session, so let me know in the comments if you feel like it.
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Lesson 14
Natural Versus Habitual
What in us is 'meant to be a certain way'? Is it 'natural' that a man has a job and a woman stays at home? Are certain kinds of relationships more natural than others? What about political systems?
Without pretending to know the answer to these questions--I'm not even sure if there is a 'the answer'--I want in this session to address the commonly used word 'natural', and generate clarity as to where it might be more honest to re-label 'natural' things to 'habitual' things. Because there we can find freedom.
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Lesson 15
Interdependence Versus Dependence And Independence
Where do your needs end and mine begin? Of course, on the face of it, this could seem like a simple question, perhaps even a non-question. But it takes only a few moments of investigation to see how our needs are actually deeply interwoven and mutually imply each other.
In short, interdependence on the level of needs is nvc's way of saying: "we are a 'we' more than a collection of 'me's' ".
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Lesson 16
Life-Connected Versus Life-Alienated Communication
When it comes to making human connections, I think debates, somewhat counter-intuitively, are some people's way to go--I imagine people 'going at it' in fierce argumentation, and then later sharing a friendly drink. I love that! I deeply appreciate the art of 'gracefully playing with ideas', without getting overly identified with opinions.
And, at the same time, I want to bring another way of relating to the table. Where we don't use opinions but feelings and needs as a basis for relating.
Let's explore the difference between 'life-connected' and 'life-alienated' communication.
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Lesson 17
Shift Versus Compromise
For this session, John Lennon says it best, what it takes to be moved, a.k.a. experiencing a 'shift':
"There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life."
— John Lennon
Small trigger warning: I use the metaphorical phrases 'I kill myself a little bit' and 'I cut myself', in order to describe what a compromise can feel like, quoting one of my teachers, Yoram Mosenzon. Please note that this is exactly that: a metaphor. Just wanted to give a heads-up as the words might trigger some pain in some of us. If it does, please let me know. I want this course to be an emotionally safe space. At the same time, I hope and trust we can use such phrases and also, invite any pain to be welcome if and as it shows up.
I hope you enjoy the session.
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Lesson 18
Persisting Versus Demanding
How to firmly stand for our needs, especially when they are perhaps not seen by the other, without stepping into 'demand energy'? This is the territory of difference between persisting and demanding.
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Lesson 19
Self-Discipline Versus Obedience
"Through discipline comes freedom."
— Aristotle
It's interesting to consider what discipline is. And indeed I believe Aristotle touched on a truth: it's much closer to freedom than we might think at first glance. In this session, we find out more about what this means in how we can approach a situation, by discerning it from obedience as a strategy of 'following life'.
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Lesson 20
Respect For Authority Versus Fear Of Authority
"Blind belief in authority is the greatest enemy of truth."
— Albert Einstein
Where does true authoritativeness come from? It certainly doesn't seem to come from making people fear you. Einstein's quote hints at an aspect of what I think is the answer.
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Lesson 21
Vulnerability Versus Weakness
In this session, we unveil the reasons why some might call vulnerability 'weakness', why we need vulnerability in order to face the meta-crisis of our age, and why, ultimately, vulnerability is perhaps in fact the very opposite of weakness.
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Lesson 22
Love As An Action Versus Love As A Need Or Love As A Feeling
It took us 22 sessions to finally talk about love!
Marshall Rosenberg once said that his wife asked him "Do you love me?" – he said "Do you mean love as a feeling or as a need? – as a feeling I don’t love you now...."
I don't think many people would have answered in that way, but it shows exactly what we will discuss in this session. I hope you enjoy this age-old question, even asked by the great 1990s artist and poet Nestor Alexander Haddaway, in his infamously lyrical pop hit "What is Love".
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Lesson 23
Self-Empathy Versus Acting Out, Repressing, Or Wallowing In Feelings
When we act out our feelings instead of working with them, we can damage relationships and trust. When we repress our feelings, we are not in healthy relationship with ourselves. And when we wallow in our feelings, we risk never getting out of victimhood and into empowerment.
The boon of self-empathy gifts us what we need most: to be heard, felt, seen and understood, and moreover: to self-connect and possibly transform what lives in us towards creating a life of happiness.
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Lesson 24
'Street Giraffe' Versus 'Classical Giraffe'
'Read the room'.
That could be the simple dictum for this session. Bringing NVC or mindful communication into the world, in a way that balances the value of specific linguistic choices with attunement to who's in front of us, is the art of 'Street Giraffe'.
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Lesson 25
Empathic Sensing Versus Intellectual Guessing
"Relational attunement urges us to sense the energy within and between us. When in sync, it flows effortlessly. When disconnected, it feels like a valve shutting off. Observing these energetic shifts is key to mastering 'presencing' " ~ Thomas Hübl.
Thank you very much for completing this long course! I hope you enjoyed it!
And of course, ask me any questions, or give any feedback as you wish.
I hope you enjoy this last sesison & hope to see you around in my other courses and/or meditations!
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