Healing Attachment Trauma ~ The Ideal Parent Figure Protocol

The IPF protocol was developed by Dr. Dan Brown to help anxiously attached humans shift toward a more secure attachment style. This version includes ‘added empathy’, grounded in Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

Know that you don’t need to visualize clearly. Feeling your imagination is more important than seeing images.

After the practice, I invite you to journal: reflect on your experience and notice if any needs arise… perhaps safety or protection? Appreciation? Use an NVC needs list and choose a need that stands out. Imagine what it would be like if that need were completely met. Let your imagination move freely and feel the warmth of that fulfillment.

Sometimes pain can arise during this work. This is natural. Be kind to yourself and don’t push through. Feel free to message me if anything comes up that you’d like more guidance with.

The benefits of this work tend to increase with repeated practice.

I wish you a healing journey.

music: Healing Meditation Music
image: Getty

Transcript

Welcome to this ideal parent-figure protocol practice and just to begin here I want to invite you to consciously find a pleasant position so if you're sitting you want to have a kind of relaxed clarity a relaxed awakeness in your posture and if you're laying down make sure that you're straight and that you have the props you need to lay comfortably for about half an hour and just relax it helps to keep your eyes closed and if you normally wear glasses consider taking them off that will allow for even more relaxation starting with the face and whether you're laying or sitting I want you to find some stillness in your posture but also it's fine if you want to move a little bit here and there also if you want to take a moment to set an intention for this practice that can be an intention of kindness an intention of taking this lightly but seriously so just take a minute to connect with this intention and do this more in a way of letting the intention come to you then to kind of force one onto yourself so if you're silent for a moment what intention comes to you so take a moment to do that and one last invitation before we dive into the actual practice is you can also for instance include any deity or religious figure or mantra that you like that is dear to you this is your practice so please feel free to invoke any spirit figure sound or sacred totem you feel drawn to and for that if you don't want to do that you can just we're gonna go right ahead if you do want a moment for that I invite you to just pause the track right now do your additional practice to invoke whatever you want to invoke and then continue the track again and now let's go into the visualization and don't worry if you don't actually see something or if you don't immediately feel anything just approach this with a sense of relaxed openness and curiosity let the words do whatever it is they're doing they might have an effect even if you don't immediately notice anything visual imagination is not that important it's all about feeling it you can also feel free to use any self-talk or emotional sensing use your imagination in a way that works for you and again to repeat to actually see something is only a tool it's really not that important okay so focus on feeling and feeling the mood of the scenes we're going to create together my last invitation feel free to pause the meditation at any point if you want to just take a few more minutes to roam in your imagined scene or if you'd like to take a bit more time to set up the scenes in your mind so with all that in place let's dive in in this first scene imagine yourself as a young child only in this scene imagine that you grew up in a family different from your family of origin with a set of parents ideally suited to you and your nature you may want to take a minute to sort of sketch them in your mind whatever comes it doesn't really matter the point is to have an image to play with so just take a moment to conjure up this set of ideal parents okay and now bring to mind a scene of them being with you in a way that would lead you to feel absolutely secure in your attachment relationship profoundly secure in your attachment to your ideal parents and since imagination creates possibilities you can shape and reshape the scene in any way you want until it feels just right and then in this scene notice particularly the ways that they're being with you that leads you to feel completely secure in the relationship so take a moment now to create and enjoy that scene and then slowly you can let the scene fade again if you want some more time you can always pause the track and otherwise just let go of the imagination maybe you want to take a long deep inhalation to kind of clean the palate let's say and then long deep exhalation find any relaxation available to you and then bring to mind a second scene with these ideal parents being with you in a way that makes you feel completely safe and protected these parents know exactly how to provide you with a safe haven they are fiercely protective but never over protective so imagine specifically the ways that they're being with you that would give you that sense of being completely safe and protected as a child and again when you imagine the details of the scene notice the way that you're feeling as they're being with you in that way that feels so safe so protected and notice how that feels and how your state of mind is affected by that so take a moment to enjoy and create that scene very good and then you can let that scene go again I invite you only if you want to okay everything is just an invitation but if you like it to just take a deep breath in and out cleaning the palate of the mind noticing that it's pleasant to be relaxed and in this meditative state and then let another scene come to you of yourself as a child with these ideal parents and in this scene paint a picture of them being very carefully attuned to you these parents are completely present as you imagine it they are really interested in everything that you do they are really actually interested in every change in your behavior and you can sense the way that they track all the developmental stages that you go through as a young child they're so wonderfully carefully attuned to you and interested in all these changes and as you imagine this scene what's most important as you imagine it in such a way that they're carefully attuned not simply to your behavior but they're also attuned to your internal state these parents are constantly wondering out loud about what you feel what motivates your behavior they're interested in what you think and how you put together your world and this makes you feel deeply seen and known by them so take a moment to imagine with these parents so carefully attuned to your internal state and not just your behavior and notice the effect it has on your state of mind and how you're feeling yourself in your body so take some time in this scene and then I invite you to slowly gently let go of that scene you can take another long deep delicious breath in and out and let's create another scene and this time I invite you to imagine a time as a young child where you were emotionally upset about something but you can actually conjure up an actual memory here where you were emotionally upset but just change it that this time you can imagine that you grew up in that family different from your family of origin again with these ideal parents they see right away how upset you are and imagine that they respond to you just in the right way that you most need notice how they approach you the physical closeness that they offer to you to comfort physically the verbal reassurance imagine them comforting you in all the right ways and notice the effect it has on your mind and your nervous system so enjoy that scene for a while very good and then you can let that scene go if you want to take a long deep delicious inhalation and a long deep relaxing exhalation and let's paint another picture another scene with these ideal parents with you as a young child and in this scene imagine them being with you in a way that they're absolutely open and expressive about their delight in everything that you do these ideal parents are not subtle they're consistently and openly expressive about their joy in everything that you discover and more importantly these ideal parents are openly expressive about their joy in your being you know that you're a deep source of joy and everything you do in life brings them great pleasure you can feel it when you're around them and then when you imagine that notice again the effect it has on your state of mind and your body to have parents that are openly expressive about their delight in everything that you do but more importantly their delight in your very being you are the deepest source of joy and satisfaction to them in so many ways and you can actually feel it so play with that scene and notice the effect that it has on your state of mind and particularly notice the effect it has on your esteem and feel that in your body so take a moment to be with that scene and then let the scene fade again take a deep resetting breath good and now imagine another scene with these ideal parents at a time you were exploring and discovering something new and imagine how you have their absolute support these parents are openly supportive to you they encourage you to explore and discover in your own ways they want you to bring out your best and strongest sense of self they're not threatened by that not in the least they have no agendas for you they just want you to discover all that you can be and be your strongest and best self so imagine a scene that you're exploring and discovering something new with their complete and absolute support bringing out the best and strongest sense of yourself that you can be and notice again the effect that it has on your state of mind and imagine what it would be like what your sense of self will have turned out to be had you grown up to get that kind of support at every step in your development your best strongest and most unique sense of self so conjure up this scene and enjoy it for a while and then slowly let that scene go take a long deep breath in and out resetting and then lastly I want you to bring into mind this thing there was something that you needed as a child that repeatedly over and over again you never quite got maybe it was some sense of being seen being heard being understood to be safe it's your core pain with your parents so bring that feeling to mind right now it's a very familiar feeling to you that that's something that you needed over and over again and never quite got and there was a very familiar way you came to feel about that so bring that feeling into your mind and feel it into your body so really allow yourself to feel that right now and then imagine the ideal parents stepping into the scene and they see right away what you're feeling and they respond to you in just the way you most need just the right way and begin that process of healing so be in that scene for a while and then slowly gently let the scene fade and just take a moment to notice your state of mind right now and how does it feel to be in your body right now really feel into it and then I invite you to slowly gently orient yourself again towards the present moment in reality if you want to take some more time where you are that's completely fine I really encourage you to be with what is if you have the time then enjoy your present state and then I invite you to slowly if you're ready for it open your eyes take a deep breath and that's the end of this practice I hope you can take it slow whatever is your next move in the day and remember that this practice is most valuable when repeated thank you very much for practicing

Reviews

As a survivor of chronic childhood conflict and stress, psychological and emotional abuses, ongoing bullying and stalking, and other domestic-based traumas, this was especially suited to my lived experiences. The practice and individual exercises & visualizations proved useful, a bit liberating, and they indeed yielded some new insights.

If I might make one observation or suggestion: there is a part of the psyche that, while engaging in the imagining of the “ideal” humans, feels the tug and the tinge of a sense of disloyalty towards and unappreciation of the actual historical parentage. A fleeting, but still recurrent feeling of…betrayal. And so, in turn, arose some moderate but all the same unwelcome feelings of guilt and shame for me.

How might you suggest that we prepare for that possibility, and what self-talk—either before or following your practice—would be helpful in perhaps quieting those impulses, those negative self-judgments that we are somehow being terribly unfair and/or unrealistic, or perhaps even betraying or being disloyal to our real caregivers (or our memories thereof)—in spite of both their flaws, and, more importantly, in recognition of all of the things that *were* beneficial and nurturing?

Heel bijzonder. Heel speciaal en helend. Ongelooflijk hoeveel inzichten dit geeft. Dankjewel Hans

That was so hard that i only made it through the first 15 minutes. The pain the scenes brought up, the lack of anything remotely close to what I know I missed brought up old grief that is so deep and so painful I had to stop for now. I think the damage is permanent. Its more about making peace with life at this point. I wish I had such meditations when i was younger. You're doing such a service for people. I hope I can revisit this meditation periodically and maybe eventually get through it with some sense of healing and comfort.

So beautiful and healing. My therapist has used this method with me a lot in my sessions over the years and it’s so helpful to have someone guide you through scenarios. This is deeply effective. Thank you so so much.

I highly recommend this teacher and I highly recommend his courses.

Thank you for your loving presence and the effort taken to adapt this from the original