Quirky Bedtime Stories - Dearly Beloved

Good evening. One of my many roles in Tokyo is as a wedding officiant. It is something that I was introduced to by a friend of mine and a role that I have grown rather fond of over the years. I am not by any means a member of the clergy, and some would say that I should not be doing this at all, but they are such joyous occasions, and that is enough reason to be part of it all.

Transcript

Good evening, Oh sleepless ones. It is time yet again for another rendition of Quirky Bedtime Stories. Tales from the Orient to help you fall asleep, Or entertain you and help you to fall asleep. And if by the end you are still awake you may benefit from an extended river sound over a binaural theta beat which scientifically has been proven to edge one into the realms of sleep itself. So anyway, It's a good thing, Don't you think? All right, Let's get into it. Today I have six weddings in a row. Rather a lot even for these times, But apparently nowhere near the heyday of the wedding business back in the giddy 1980s. Still, Things seem to be ticking up and I am happy to be, In some small way, Being of assistance in repopulating these blessed lands. Apparently the population of Japan is fast graying with the percentage of retired old folk nearly outnumbering the young up-and-coming generations. Of course there's no sign of this decline in big cities like Osaka and Tokyo, But step out into the countryside even a couple of hours out from the big smoke and the situation is noticeably dreary, With young people moving away and businesses closing. All rather sad, Really. But here I am, Running through a rehearsal with the already nervous couple in front of me. It's a fine spring day. We are in the chapel, Still an hour before the main event, And all is good. As I stand here waiting for them to settle down, I'm reminded of the brief role Rowan Atkinson had as the bumbling father-child in Four Weddings and a Funeral, His gawky features and fawning behaviour so reminiscent of his bean days and certain roles in Black Adder. No bean am I, And yet my blunders in this role do make me a relation of him. Yes, My weekend gig has had its moments, And even after officiating at over 1, 000 weddings to date, There are still times when I get it horribly wrong. I guess everyone gets nervous at these public events. There have been plenty of profusely sweating grooms, Seemingly on the verge of a major mind change, Questioning the wisdom of so publicly vowing to be together till death do part. My heart also quivers in empathy with the bride's father, As he symbolically hands over his daughter to his soon-to-be son-in-law, And steps quietly back, Shedding a tear or two. Full of emotion, These weddings are. Still nerve-wracking at times, Though now I know that having the jitters beforehand means that what I'm doing has some importance and value to me at least. I watch my body from a detached observer point of view, And am once again bemused as waves of unstable energy surge through me and catch at me. I sense the shakes begin as the adrenaline kicks in, And it takes the courage of a line hunter to face the beast down. Critically and clinically, I regard it and think that perhaps it has to do with the breath and where I choose to breathe. I suspect so. The body goes into flight mode, Or fight mode, For no apparent reason other than a mistaken threat. I know now that long exhalations work to calm the vagus nerve, So that is what I do, Box breathing of a sort, And engaging with the couple in front of me at the same time. After a while, It works quite well. Visually, These weddings are pageants, Of course. They can be nothing else in a land where Shintoism and Buddhism are the main religions. However, There is a love of ceremony and special occasions in Japan that has also seen the introduction and adoption of Christmas, Halloween, Easter, And Valentine's Day into a calendar already overflowing with excuses to celebrate life in all its glory. Weddings, Though, In any tradition and in any culture are milestone events that need to be highlighted and celebrated. How better than to go the entire mile by having the day memorialized by wedding professionals? In the early morning, As I check in through hotel security two hours before the first wedding of the day and make my way to the chapel along the winding underground passages, I get an insight into what is truly involved in these celebrations. Most large hotels have a wedding department which advertises their venues in an increasingly competitive market. Gone are the days of 20 weddings per venue per day, But it still requires a massive machine to pull off a seemingly tailored wedding. The hotel kitchens are abuzz in their banquet preparations. It looks like today there will be six weddings, Two in the chapel that I officiate at and four at the more high-market Tokyo Bayside Chapel. I walk past the banquet rooms and see staff energetically engaged. Everyone knows what to do as the process is repeated every weekend and on public holidays. Photographers, Videographers, Sound technicians, Video editors, Wedding directors makeup artists, Wardrobe and hairdressers make it all seem like a major film crew has just rolled into town. But no, This is the regular outfit and we say a cheery Ohio to each other and exchange further pleasantries when we can. Impostor syndrome, I hear you think? Of course there is. I am aware that I am not a seminary-trained priest, Nor am I what one would regard as a traditional Christian. But we all act in many roles in this play of life and this too is the case of doing as if until it becomes I am. It took me rather a long time to get around to actually stepping into this role after convincing myself initially that it just wasn't viable as it was all pretend, A rather elaborate cosplay if you will. But in my priestly robe I do look the part. My tall frame and serious demeanor adds credibility and so too does the fact that the scripted contents are pretty much in line with my deeper feelings. Perhaps I'm more of this than I thought. Certainly after completing 1, 000 weddings to date I seem to be getting the hang of it. I do feel genuine joy at officiating at these events and take the time after the ceremony to wish the couple well. I do not feel that I'm pretending. So yes, There is something in the notion of faking it until you make it. Also as another, Of course, The day is very little about me and my 20-minute role in proceedings. It is all about the bride. I've never seen the same wedding dress twice and yet I'm pretty sure that they are all hired for the occasion. Maybe they get cycled between hotels. I never thought of that as an option. I guess that would make economic sense, Wouldn't it, Rather than just using one dress and tossing it away. Hmm. Grooms tend to be dressed similarly in dark-colored tuxedos that always look freshly tailored. Weddings in Japan or maybe anywhere are enormously expensive and when you consider that around 200 staff are involved in the process, There have to be places to control budget. Otherwise a lifetime of debt may be incurred. This chapel that I'm currently in is one of more serious ones, Should we say. There is a real pipe organ built into the wall behind me and it pumps out an enormous sound that is really quite marvelous to behold. During the wedding ceremony we also have to my left a cellist, To my right a trumpet player, And to the cellist's left a full soprano, Alto, Tenor and bass pumping out joyous sounds. So it is quite an event, Really, Especially seeing that in this chapel the architecture of the place makes it all rather acoustically brilliant, Especially at the spot where I'm standing where unusually I don't need any microphone to magnify my voice. I stand in an apparent sweet spot and my usual subtle tones are amplified naturally above the din and pomp of the music and the ceremony itself. I'm rather happy about that. I'm also happy at the fact that this chapel last year was due to be remodeled, Which is another word for demolished in Japanese, But it seems that as the hotel is being remodeled right now, The chapel itself is being kept. So I'm very happy about that and I look forward to more weddings in that place in the future. These proceedings often make me look back to my own wedding to Keiko 25 years ago and remember the joy we had in organizing it ourselves. It was a rather quirky event, Funny, And held in a church in Wadestown, Wellington. I recall being so nervous that I almost quick-marched Keiko down the aisle. She had to hang back on my arm and act as a brakeman on an otherwise runaway train. In total, I believe our budget was around 500 New Zealand dollars. It's absolutely nothing, But the cake was eventful. God knows what a full Tokyo wedding hotel would have set us back. I doubt if there would have been any change from five million yen. Anyway, Let's finish off today's story with an appropriate line from William Shakespeare from Much Ado About Nothing. In this scene, Our hero, Benedict, Hears the false rumor that Beatrice is secretly in love with him, And he promptly decides to abandon his bachelor ways of life and fall in love with her. He justifies his change of a heart by saying, Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the career of his humor? No, The world must be peopled. If you have the time, The version directed by Kenneth Branagh, Who also plays Benedict, By the way, Is well worth a look-see. So, Sleep well, And until the next time.