Selfgentleness Step 8 Receive Help & Love - LIVE Recording

This is the recording of Femke's Selfgentleness Live from 13 September 2024. In it, she speaks about Selfgentleness Step 8: how to receive help and love from others. She closes her talk of with a guided meditation, to let you experience what her words mean to you personally.

Transcript

Hi everyone, Welcome to my monthly self-gentleness live here on Insight Timer. Today it is Friday, That's the regular day that I'm here, Every second Friday of the month. At this time, 9. 30 Central European Time, Which is 3. 30 Eastern Standard Time, I will be here to speak with you about self-gentleness and how we can apply it to your lives. And the topic of today is how to receive help and love by others. And in a bit I will tell you more about that, But just I want you to welcome you. I would love to hear who you are, Where you're from, And if it is hard for you to receive help and love from others, Or maybe it's something that you excel at already and you would just be curious to hear me speak about it, I will be happy to hear from you. Hi Alice, Hi Howard, Hi Richard, Jennifer, Luanne, Hi, Lovely to see you Luanne, I hope everything is doing well in Massachusetts and that you are still enjoying some sun. Hi Tini, Randy, Lovely to see you, Really nice. Hi Lauren, Good morning to you, Hi Sheila, Hi Peter, Hi Mary, Hi Mona, Lovely to see you all, Really great that you are here. So let's take a few minutes maybe to let people come in, And meanwhile I will tell you a bit more about a plan that I got with the lovely people of Insight Timer. As you know, Every second Friday of the month I give here my self-gentleness live. And then I thought I have this beautiful course on Insight Timer. It's called How to Deal with Challenging Behaviors and Opinions. And it is a course that is really helping people to learn to agree to disagree. And this is not by turning the other cheek, It's not by forgiving or condoning people that are very different from you, Or maybe even not such nice people, People who ruffle your feathers, No, This is about self-empowerment. It's about truly accepting that we live in a world of a lot of variety, And that basically everyone is finding their own way to the good life. And that when you can start to accept that, And especially to allow yourself to be who you are, Without having all those that don't agree with you to agree with you, Then you empower yourself. So this course is aiming at cultivating political tolerance. It's not a political course, Not at all. I never tell you what to think, What to believe. It is about you and you finding your values and just being okay with that, And accepting that there are other people who are different. So with the upcoming elections in the US, I find this a really, Really great course to do. I know that in 2020, With the previous elections, Then the course was just published, That there were really a lot of people in America for whom it was really helpful to do so. And then, With the lovely folks of Insight Timer, We decided that I will give a three-part live series about this topic. I have already planned this. I think you can see it already in my teacher profile. It's going to be on Wednesday, 30th of October, Thursday, 31st of October, And Friday, The 1st of November. It will be three days in a row, One hour. And the title is Find Ease in Election Season. So again, This is not about for whom you should vote or what to believe. No, This is all about you and how you can find ease in this kind of difficult times where there's a lot of polarization and how you can find ease in that process and follow your own beliefs, Follow your own dreams in that. So if you're interested, Then sign up later on in my profile. You can find everything, I think, Insight Timer will also put it up later, So that you can find it. The time, Though, Is going to be different from now. I'm going to do this on the Wednesday, Friday, Saturday at 6 p. M. Central European Time. That's my time. Which means that if you live on Pacific Time, It will be 9 a. M. In the morning. If you are living on the East Coast, It will be 12 p. M. Around lunchtime. And I thought I will do this so that people can really start their day or at least their afternoon from all this and then just get into the day. All right. That was my announcement about that. I will speak more about that during my next live, Which will be before this on the 11th of October. It will be Self-Gentleness Step 9 with the title Finding Joy. Back to today. How to receive help and love from others. So let me just check in with the other people that also told us that they are here. Let me just see. Amélie, Bonjour. Oona from Ireland. Jean from Chicago. Amélie. Nia from Melbourne. Good morning. John from Michigan. Lovely to see you. So lovely to see all these people from Australia, New Zealand, Canada. So lovely to see all these people from Australia, New Zealand, Canada. So lovely to see all these people from Australia, New Zealand, Canada. So lovely to see all these people from Australia, New Zealand, Canada. So lovely to see all these people from Australia, New Zealand, Canada. So lovely to see all these people from Australia, New Zealand, Canada. So lovely to see all these people from Australia, New Zealand, Canada. So lovely to see all these people from Australia, New Zealand, Canada. So lovely to see all these people from Australia, New Zealand, America. Hi, Mary. Europe, Of course. Well, Thank you, Mary. Happy to hear that. Thank you so much. Amélie, Not watching news. Absolutely. That's a really great advice. Anyway, Also on the self-gentleness journey, That's one of the important things. All right. Jennifer says, I find it much easier to give than to receive. Thank you. Jennifer says, I find it much easier to give than to receive. Thank you. Jennifer says, I find it much easier to give than to receive. Thank you. Jennifer says, I find it much easier to give than to receive. Thank you. Jennifer says, I find it much easier to give than to receive. Thank you. Jennifer says, I find it much easier to give help than to receive it. Yes, Indeed. I think a lot of people know what you mean. I know what you mean, For sure. So okay, Jane agrees with Jennifer. It's easier to give help than to receive it. All right. So actually, Let me start with the beginning, Why I came up with this title, With this topic for today. I received an Inside Timer message from Miriam. I don't know if you're here, Miriam, But thank you so much for that, Who wrote to me that she was very first of her very first time on a live on Inside Timer, Which was mine. It was in May, Some time ago, And that she really enjoyed it and appreciated also everything that I was speaking about self-gentleness. And then she wrote, It does bother me a little bit that it's so one-sided. Part of learning to be self-gentle might be to also learn to receive energy from others as well as giving it. And then she said, Well, You don't have to respond, I just want to share this. And then I wrote back to her, I think you make a very valid point, And I want to spend time on this. And that is what we're doing today. So it's June, July, So it's four months later, But we are here. Let me start with self-gentleness first, Right? So self-gentleness, My definition is radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness. I'll repeat it again for anyone who is new here, Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness. Well, That's a process. That's what we're doing here. That's what actually all my work on Insight Timer, My lives, My tracks, My courses, In essence, They're all about self-gentleness. Even if I teach you to meditate, Because I have a beautiful course where you can learn to meditate by exploring different meditation techniques, Also that is about self-gentleness. Why? Because I don't tell you, This is how you should meditate, No, I'm telling you, You could do this, You could do this, You could do this, Which fits you. It's self-gentle not to evoke discipline on yourself. Now it's way more self-gentle to find something that fits you, That you like, Because then it's easy to meditate. So whatever course or track you find, The self-gentleness is the essence. So self-gentleness has this beauty because it teaches you to take care of you. It teaches you when you start processing, Starting to use the processes that I offer, You start using the tracks that I offer, The practices, You start to become aware of what it is that you need, You start to honor what you need, To acknowledge that, And then you start to actually try, Give this to you, Whether in the moment or you promise yourself to come back later to it. And when you start this process, And you will do this for about 30 days, You really intrinsically change something within you. You become more sensitive for actually being aware of what's going on in your body, What's going on in your mind, What's going on in your soul, In your heart, In your emotions. And sometimes it's hard in the beginning because you suddenly start to process things that were covered, That were buried, That were hard to see. You suddenly become aware of your weaknesses, Things that you push away, Things that you push over. It could be just a simple fact that your feet hurt every evening when you sit down, And you realize that you need to sit down earlier in the day to make sure that your feet will hurt less in the evening. It's very practical. It could also be that you always push yourself to work and work and work because when you stop working, You suddenly realize that you have to face yourself and maybe something that is bothering you and you just don't want to see it. So it might be a hard process that sometimes you need guidance with by me or maybe even a professional. But when you start to apply the processes that I offer in my Self-Gentleness courses and here in the Lives, At a certain moment you get the sensitivity to really start to feel what's going on, To acknowledge that, And step by step you start to feel the power of allowing yourself to give yourself your needs. The beauty of this process is that you learn to take responsibility for what it is that you need. You don't wait for others to say, Come on, Sit down, Put your feet up, I will take care of you. But you say, I need to sit down, I put my feet up, I'm going to take care of me, No matter the mess around me, No matter the tasks I have, I need this right now. Just taking the example of the feet, Because it's a very tangible example, But you could think of a million other things, Of course, That are applicable to you. So there's a beauty in this. When you start to acknowledge what it is that you need and you start to allow yourself to actually receive this from yourself, And in the beginning it might be just as small as snoozing one more minute in bed before you get up, Because you just like to lay down for one more minute, Or maybe even five, And a little bit later it might be not rushing off to work, But just taking that half hour to make that walk in the area, To smell some flowers and feel really good before you get to work. And before you know it, You might cancel a dinner party, Or create a dinner party, Because you feel this is what I need right now. And the beautiful thing of the self-gentleness journey is that it's a lifelong work in progress process. The more you're in it, The more you start to realize, The more you start to feel also what it is that you want, That you need, What you want to take out of life. You might change things, You might keep things the same, You might alter small things, But you feel this self-empowerment about how you can be actually in charge, Deciding, Of finding ease and joy in your life, Feeling good about yourself, Feeling happy with yourself, Being proud of yourself, Being proud of who you are, Even the bad things, Bad things, Nothing is bad, But even the fact that the things that you don't like about yourself, Whatever that is, That is a self-gentleness process, And it takes your whole life. And that's great, Because if we wouldn't have our whole life to be in it, Then we wouldn't grow, Right? There is not something like, Okay, Now I'm self-gentle, And from now on, I will always be gentle with myself. I'm telling you, I'm not always self-gentle with myself. I mean, Yeah, I'm a master at self-gentleness, I teach self-gentleness, I invented the concept of self-gentleness in my definition. But still, I also have these thoughts, These moments, These experiences where I'm not so gentle with myself. So why am I a master of self-gentleness? It is because I realize it when I'm not, And then I'm trying to find my way back to self-gentleness. It might be the realization that it's enough, And sometimes it might take me an hour, A day, A week, A month, Depending on the topic, Because some things in life are resonating with so many previous experiences where it was really hard to carve out that space, That room, That allowance for yourself. It just takes time, And that's okay. The art of self-gentleness lies in the process, Not in the outcome. But you will enjoy the outcome when you start the process. All right, So there's a lot of own responsibility, Right? And actually, This resonates with me a lot. I've been a person all my life who felt that I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, From my family, My parents, My siblings, My children, My partners, My colleagues, My friends, My society, The world, Etc. You might recognize that, Right? Because I know that in this lovely group of people, There are a lot of people who are taking care of others, Who are caregivers, Whether you are a parent or it is your parents, Whether it's your work, Whether it's your kids, Whether there are many, Many things. Most people in Insight Timer are those givers who feel good by giving and giving and giving, And then realize that they have depleted themselves. And that's where self-gentleness comes in. So I taught myself to become self-gentle, And this is what I'm all teaching you. But there was one aspect in that, And that was still that I felt I had the sole responsibility for that self-gentleness. So I wouldn't ask for help. I wouldn't ask for support. And even like this, When support or help was offered, I couldn't always accept it. I could maybe see it or realize it afterwards that it was offered, But to actually allow it in was something that I find really, Really hard. And so that's the other side of that coin, That beautiful coin of self-gentleness, Of taking the own responsibility, That you don't make other people responsible for you feeling good, Finding ease. The one that says, Sit down, Put your feet up, I will take care of you. Because when we make others responsible for that, We lose our own power. When we wait for others to allow us to be gentle to ourselves, Then there is a problem. However, It doesn't mean, And that's something that I have learned over the last years, It doesn't mean that we shouldn't receive help, That we couldn't ask for help. It doesn't mean that when we actually show our vulnerability and say, I need your help, Or maybe even, I need your love, That we are suddenly losing everything, Our own empowerment, And that we're giving up, Allowing ourselves to find that gentleness, No. It's a delicate balance, However, It is out there, Because we are social animals. We are here on earth to connect, To be with other people, Whether it is our family, Or our spouses, Or our friends, Or our colleagues, Or just the people that you meet in the park. It doesn't matter, We are here to connect and to support each other. So context is very important in my story today, Because I would not say, Well, Go to others, Say, I need your help, And then when they don't help you, Feel that you cannot be gentle to yourself, No. My story is here, And that's why it is step eight today. You're learning to be more gentle with yourself, To allow yourself that, Not to make others responsible for you actually starting to like yourself, To actually embrace yourself, Actually to be gentle with yourself, No. This is something that you have taught yourself, This is something that you're doing most of the time, Or in the process to start to do this most of the time, And then comes the moment that you start to allow yourself to be vulnerable vis-a-vis the people that are important to you, Vis-a-vis your colleagues, Vis-a-vis whoever you feel you want help from. And I know in the title I speak about help and support and love, But actually it's the same. When someone helps you, They give you love, And I don't mean always that this is romantic love or something like that. Love is a really large concept with many, Many meanings, And when I speak about love, I speak about this universal feeling of connection where you are gentle with yourself and you are gentle with others. And when someone comes to you and they want to help you or support you or just listen to you or just tell you, Hey, You're just a really nice person and I really would love to drink a cup of tea with you, Hey, You're really a nice person and I see that you're struggling with something, Is there anything that I can do that you will be open to receive it? So how do you start to receive help, Support, Love, Without making the shift again back to being dependent on others because, You know, That's just the two sides that I was just speaking about. First of all, Don't be afraid if you become dependent because when you have learned the process of empowering yourself to find a gentleness for yourself, You can always get back there. That's one. Why are we afraid to be vulnerable, To tell someone, Could you please help me? It is because we are afraid for either the rejection or either the dependency that hangs on it. It depends a little bit what kind of personality you have, What your experience in life have been, But those generally taken, Those are just two things that might scare you off. So basically it starts with this, When you are in need of support, Let's call it support for now and then, You know, You can fill in for yourself what that support might be. It starts with accepting that this is where you are right now and this is what you need right now, Right? It has to do with that self-gentleness, Tuning in and acknowledging your needs and that need might be, Well, I realize that if I want to paint my whole house, I cannot do this alone and I want some help. But again, I take a very easy example because I know the questions you might have for support might be more intangible, Harder than that, But let's work with this. And then the second step is that when you have acknowledged that need, That you dare to communicate that need and that's hard, Right? If you're not used to ask for help or support, Then we are very often start to apologize, To say sorry, To offer already something in advance to make sure that it's evened out and the other person will not think that you might take advantage of them, Especially the givers among us. We give a lot and it's really hard for us to ask for something. And then the beauty is that you can just receive their answer. And to receive their answer might be that the other person says, No, I'm sorry, I cannot, I don't want to, I don't have time, I don't feel like. And to accept that whatever that answer is, It is okay. That it is okay for you to ask for support and that the other person can respond in whatever way they want. If you allow yourself to get into that mental position where you allow yourself to be vulnerable and to tell them, This is what I need, And you allow them to be authentic and genuine in their answer, Then you take out a lot of the struggle, A lot of this eerie energy that might get in between. Because many people will say, Of course I will help you, Or right now is a bit hard but could we do it then and then, Or you know what, I know someone else who might be able to help you. Or people are always willing to come up with solutions and even if they don't, If they are overwhelmed because they're not too self-gentle and they feel like, Oh, I cannot, I cannot, Then it's also okay for them. But that means that you have this mental state to accept whatever their answer is, That it is okay. But even if they tell you no, That this is not because you asked, That they say no is not because you were not allowed to ask, That they say no is not because you should not deserve any help, No, They just said no because they need to say no, This is their need right now, They don't have to explain it, That's okay. Why I'm telling you this, Because very often, Especially when you're a giver and not a receiver, We have all these mental objections. In Dutch we say we see the bears on the road, I don't know if this is also an English expression, But we are afraid of all the things that might happen. And that's why we apologize in advance, That's why we are not asking for help. Because the answer might be no and then we feel we over-asked, We feel we are too much. And this is not true. You can always ask and another person can answer as they like. And then, Because it might be that you're in a situation that you ask a person to help you with something and they tell you no, And that this hits you still, Because you expected that they might help you, Because you're always helpful to them, For instance, And you feel somewhere that, You know, It might be returned. It might be that you actually have an emotion about that, That makes you angry or sad or rejected, Then that's also okay. Again, It's okay to be how you feel in the moment. And then, And now it comes, A really important part of that conversation that you will have with that person is then not to say, Well, You never do something for me, I really expected you to do that and you're so selfish, You're only thinking about yourself, Or whatever emotions might come up, You're totally okay to feel those things. But the key in having an open conversation with this other person lies with you, Allowing yourself to tell them how you feel without telling them it's their fault. And that's not so easy, But it goes like this, You're asking, Well, I really need help to paint my house and I really would appreciate it if you could help me with that. And then the other person says, Well, No, I don't have time, I really, Really don't have time. Sorry, You have to find someone else. And you feel an emotion because you expected this person to really help you. Then you do not say, Well, You know, I can never ask you something and I'm always helping you and you know, Now I'm coming for you and, No, You stick with yourself and your feeling. And it might take some tuning in before you can actually say something. And it could be just like, Whoa, Okay, I respect your answer, I see that, You know, You cannot help me right now. I feel a bit disappointed, But yeah, No, Actually it's not disappointed, It would mean that I would not respect your answer. I actually, I feel a bit sad because I know I have this big task and I really don't know how to do it by myself and I have to find a different solution which I find really hard. But I'm happy that I asked you. And I really, Really, You know, Next time when something comes up, I would like to ask you again because it's really hard for me to ask for help and I feel really vulnerable right now because you told me no with all due respect, But that's okay. Whoa, I never dare to tell you that I'm feeling vulnerable vis-a-vis you. Okay, This is just an example of a talk that could happen. And as you see it, When I'm looking for the words, It's really hard to disconnect that feeling from what the other person did. But it's all the time tuning in with yourself and to experience what it is that you're feeling and that you have the right to feel this without expecting the other person to come and solve it. You are entitled to feel what you feel without expecting the other person to solve it. Okay, So here I'm taking the most difficult part of it, Right? You ask for support and you will not get it. But I'm telling you these things because all the little steps are about self-gentleness. It's about acknowledging that you need help. That's already a big thing for you and it might first, The first time just stick with that and you might still do it by yourself, Painting that house, Because you find it hard to ask, But to acknowledge, Well, It's something that I actually would like to ask. Then it is daring to just have the guts to ask for help, Whatever the outcome is. Then to be okay with that outcome, Whatever it is. And also, Importantly, To allow yourself to have those feelings. You know, Maybe when the conversation over and they've gone their way that you, You know, You might cry or just shout a little bit or, You know, Curse a little bit or whatever you need with yourself, You allow yourself to be that. And then you return to yourself and you ask, So what is it I need right now? Remember? Self-gentleness. What is it that I feel? What is it that I need right now? And I might not get it now, But at least I'm aware that I have it right now. I think that is in essence the key to self-gentleness. So the big surprise is when you use this approach where you allow yourself to acknowledge, To be vulnerable, To be open to whatever, However the other person responds, And to allow yourself to have an emotional response about that without having any expectations that the other one solves it, You keep that own responsibility of your self-gentleness because all these steps mean that you are gentle with yourself. How unpleasant the emotions might be that you have, You are gentle with yourself. You're not telling yourself, Oh, I should not have asked. I should never ask. You see, I have to always do everything alone. That would be un-gentle. But you stick with yourself. And at the same time, You do connect with the other person on a way more authentic, Vulnerable, Open, And gentle way because you also show gentleness to the other person. Right? So rather than having expectations about others, You speak about what it is that you need. And you see if they can meet your needs or not. And the beauty is, And that's what I wanted to say a few minutes ago, When you go through this process and you have this openness, Non-expected, Non-expectant openness, That a lot of people might surprise you and they might actually want to help you, To support you in their way. It might not be in the way that you envisioned, But it might be even better. It might be different. It might be something that you didn't expect. So in that sense, You stick with the self-empowerment. You stick with the self-gentleness. But you add this really hard thing of interacting with others. Previously, When I spoke about interacting with others in self-gentleness, It's always about your position. You creating boundaries. You understanding when to say no, When to say yes. And I also always tell you, You first have to help yourself. You know, Like the metaphor in the airplane, First put oxygen yourself before you help anyone else. Because without oxygen, You cannot breathe without self-gentleness. You cannot extend that gentleness to others without depleting yourself. The same goes here. But it is okay to connect with others. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to receive. And when you start this process, You might notice that you don't even actually have to ask for support. You might find people along your path that are just there to give you. When you start to meet people, When you start to realize that the people in your life are givers and that you are here to receive also, And you're more open to that, You might see that when you acknowledge your own needs, There is already someone, Something to support you in that. It's finding that ease in life, Finding that flow in life. And it's a really beautiful thing. So I think this is the core of what I wanted to say. I will move over to guiding you in the meditation, Where we will explore this for yourself so you can experience how you can work with this yourself. But let me just take a quick look at the comments if there are any particular questions. There are a lot, So I might not be able to read everything. Let me see. Hi Angela, Lovely that you are here. Michelle. Mary said, I was a nurse for 42 years, Almost taught in school that nurses suffer. Oh yeah, Because you have to take care of others. It's a really important part. Nurses can't complain because the people are ill and they need help. I can see that mechanism. Self-gentleness is in its place there. Esme says, You can build a good support system if you forgive and love, Starting with yourself. That's what your grandfather said. That's beautiful, Esme. Thank you for sharing it. Hi, Cherry. Welcome, Lovely that you are here. Randy says, Dare to communicate that need. Yes, Dare to communicate that need. That's hard, Right? That's hard. Yeah, We could do something with that maybe also once. I realized recently that it's good to take this self-gentleness even to smaller bits and to attach it to topics where we can actually work on that. That would be really great. All right. Lauren says, So glad you're clarifying this. Communicating needs can easily fall into passive-aggressive communication with my partner. Yeah, That's an important part to know. Also to know when you have this passive-aggressiveness because what is under that is indeed those expectations. It's sometimes really hard to release those expectations, Especially with your partner. If you're living together for a long time, You might unknowingly, Unconsciously get into partners where you start to have those expectations. Communicating your needs without those expectations, But just let it be something from you and let the other be open to respond to that might actually clear up many things. And you could have a really beautiful, Maybe difficult, But still beautiful talk where you can reconnect on those issues. And this is in any relationship, Right? So yeah. Aaron says, It took me a while to realize that I didn't let people love me because I didn't love myself. Yeah, That's a really important insight, Aaron. I'm really happy for you that you realized that. Sometimes it's really hard for people to see someone love them because somewhere in our heads there is this, I don't deserve that. That is not right. They don't look good at me or something. And it has to do with how you watch yourself. So thank you for sharing that. And I'm also happy that you realized it. And I assume that you've been working on that. That's why I work on self-gentleness. It's way easier to first start with being gentle with yourself on a radical and consistent basis, To work towards that before we get to the self-love. It's of course the same. When you're self-gentle, You love yourself. But the word self-love is large and feels like something really difficult and hard to do while being gentle with yourself. While being gentle with yourself might be easier. Mary says, Rejection is the risk, But reward might be a closer relationship while having your needs heard and met. Yeah, That's an important thing what you're saying, Mary. Having your needs heard is sometimes the most important part. You hearing your own needs, That's the self-gentleness part. Acknowledging them, Honoring them, Even if you cannot give yourself what you need right now, That you realize that this is something that you need and you might want to give it on a later moment. That's what I speak about a lot. That's it. And extending this to others, Being heard in this and the other acknowledging that you have these needs even if they cannot help you right now or not soon or never, That's already important. And it can actually, Like what Lauren just said, Create that reconnection that you start to speak about these things. And that might sometimes do the trick that you realize that that was all the support you needed to be heard and seen. Thank you, Esme. Howard says, Your way of communicating your needs to someone and asking for help and then being vulnerable at the same time, It was very eloquent and it was so skillful. I lack the same communication skills as you. How do you develop your communication skills? Oh, That's a good question, Howard. By allowing yourself to do it wrong. Allowing yourself to take the time to learn it. You've been in your life already for quite some time. It starts first with acknowledging for yourself what those needs are. And that's already sometimes really hard. What is it that I feel right now? What is it that I need right now? And when people start on the self-gentleness journey, This already can take a long time to really reconnect with, What is it that I feel? Because we're very often afraid to actually feel because some feelings are unpleasant. We spoke about it the last time, That live recording is, You can find it on Inside Timer in my free tracks. But when you start to acknowledge it for yourself and then you start to communicate about this with yourself, And that's a process. That's also why I started with, It's really important to start that process of self-gentleness with yourself first. Not to make others responsible for you being gentle with you, But you start to process this step by step. Small things. I have this Start Being Self-Gentle Today. It's a mini course here on Inside Timer. It's four days. It looks like seven days, But it's four days, Followed by three tracks that you can do every day. Three tracks of three minutes each. So you have the course, I think every class is about 15 minutes. Four days, And then three tracks that you do every day. Three minutes, Three minutes, Three minutes. Three in the morning, Three during the day, And three in the evening. Nine minutes a day. And when you start to do that about 30 days later, You will notice a shift. You will become more sensitive what your own needs are, And you start to communicate with yourself what your needs are. You start to meet your own needs. And then the second step is starting to communicate that with others. And that's a process. And there, As in any communication with others, It is important to allow yourself to fail. Allow yourself to say things wrong. But, You know, Let's say you're trying to communicate your needs, And the other says no. And then you realize that you're saying, Well, I really wanted you to do this, And now I really feel angry at you. And then you might realize, Oh, Wait, This is not the way to go. I should speak about how I feel without expecting something for this. Oh, Wait, I don't want to say it like that. Yeah, I'm really, Really angry. But I also understand that you said no. I have to find a way to be OK with it and find a different way to meet my needs. That's not so eloquent, But it's your process trying to deal with this. And you have to be OK even if you completely fail at this, That after that you say, OK, I did my best. Apparently, My whole life I've been practicing getting angry at a different person and expressing that towards them and having expectations. I cannot expect for myself to change this overnight. It will take some time. But the good news is I'm aware that I could do it differently. I'm aware now. I'm aware now. And because I'm aware, Next time I will try again, And it might go better or I might need some practice again. All right, You know what? I'm going to feel what I need right now and how I can help myself. And you tune in. I know when I say it like this, It sounds really simple and I know it can be a struggle. But this is the process. It all starts with that extending that gentleness towards yourself. That is the process. And it's a work in progress, Lifelong work in progress process. So it's OK. You can fail and trip and fall. Just be gentle with yourself in this process. I hope that helped you a bit, Howard. Alice says, It's also important to ask myself after meeting a new friend, How do I feel after getting together, Contracted or expanded, Drained or listened to? That's beautiful. Yeah, That's like tuning in again. Really, Really great. Great example. Thank you for sharing that, Alice. Oh, That's great advice to Howard from Esme to journal about things. That's really beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes to write down what you're feeling and then getting to the core of what it is actually that you want to convey to yourself and others. That's really, Really could be great. Oh, Andrea, I'm really happy that my answer to Howard helped you also. You're most welcome. All right. All right. OK, Thank you all for great, Jennifer. You're most welcome. All right. So let's meditate a little bit. I'm already speaking for 45 minutes. OK, So I'm taking my glasses off. Calming down a little bit. So also you, You know, Make sure you're comfortable. You could lie down if you like, Or you can just sit. You can lean against the back of your chair. Just make sure that you are relaxed. Make it as easy and pleasant and gentle to yourself as you can. So. Is there a place in your body where you feel any tension? If you do, Then just make some more tension and let go. So, For instance, If you have tension in your shoulders, Then just pull them up and drop them. If you have a tension in your belly, Then just pull in your belly and let it go. If you feel you're frowning, Then make a lemon face. And let go. Gently close your eyes. You can have your hands in your lap, Feet on the ground, Just relax. Just sit in quiet for a moment. Realize again if there's any tension somewhere. And if you can let go by just making a little bit more tension and relax. It can be really nice to have a really long out-breath. So you're breathing in and out. You don't have to give voice, But it can be really relaxing when you give voice on your out-breath because it gives this sense of letting go. Letting go of tension. Letting go of whatever is bothering you. Letting go. All right. Now, I'm going to take you on a small visualization and I'm going to use the words of imagery. And I'm asking you to use your fantasy in a way that you like. So just follow my words. And if you don't see images, Then use your fantasy to create this world within you in whatever way you use your fantasy normally. All right. So in front of you is this lovely green door. It looks like one of those old farmer doors. Green. And let's now just open it. Oh, There's this stairs leading down. It's not so steep. It's nice. We can walk it easily. So let's descend together on this stairs. And I'm going to count. And with every step downwards, You feel that you relax more into your chair. Relax more into your being. One. Two. You feel how all tension is falling from you. Three. Four. Your body becomes soft and gentle. Open and kind. Five. Six. Your head comes down. And there comes this beautiful relaxation in your body and mind, In your being. Seven. Eight. You feel ease. You feel relaxed. You feel good. Oh. You feel ease. And with ease, You take the next step. Nine. And ten. And there's this sense of peacefulness within you. And when you look around, You see that you are in a beautiful garden. There are some trees, Beautiful old trees. They're really high. And you hear their leaves rustling. You start to walk into the garden and you notice that there are all these beautiful flowers and these delicious colors and these wonderful smells. And you feel a small breeze on your cheeks and the wind is just good. Not too hard, Not too strong, Not too small. There is some really pleasantness in the air. It's not too hot. It's not too cold. You feel almost these pleasant goosebumps on your skin because of this lovely breeze on your cheeks, In your hair. And you walk into this garden and you see a deer walking. Oh, A little rabbit is going around there. And you might see your favorite animal. Might be an elephant. Might be a cat, A dog. It doesn't matter. And when you continue to walk, You see that there is this beautiful fountain. And next to the fountain is a small bench. And you decide to sit on this bench. And you look at this fountain. It's really, Truly beautiful how the water is spraying up. The sunlight is shining through the drops and you see a small personal rainbow just for you. It's so beautiful. You still enjoy the air. When you smell, You smell flowers. You feel the warmth of the sun on your skin. It's not too hot. It's not too cold. It's exactly as you like it. And while you're sitting here, Feeling at ease, I'm going to ask you a question. And the answer will come from within you. So you don't have to think about the answer. The answer will just bubble up. It might come in a word, A sentence, An image, A memory, A song, A smell, A feeling. It doesn't matter how it comes. Just accept however it comes. This is it. Most likely, You will get a memory or something that triggers a memory in you. All right. Here comes my question. What do you find hardest to receive right now in your life? What do you find hardest to receive in your life right now? And don't overthink it. The first thing that bubbles up, This is it. You might not even understand what it is, But go with it. It doesn't matter. You will understand later on. So you have your answer now. Just try to relax in this knowing. Yeah, I know. I know. You might feel some emotion, A response. You might even have some tears. Or feeling some sadness or angriness. Because this is something that you find hard to receive. And it is hard for you because now you realize that this is actually something that you are longing for and that you have not been allowing yourself to receive. So I feel you. I understand it is hard, But it is okay. Let's first acknowledge that this is a need that you have. How hard it might find to actually get this need fulfilled, It's okay. Let's hug ourselves. Just put your arms around you. Just hold yourself. Even if the need is okay and not so heavy, Just let's be very gentle with ourselves. Put your arms around yourself. Hug yourself. And maybe rock a little bit back and forth or from the left to the right if you want. Just hold yourself. And be aware of how your hands feel on your shoulders. Feel how your arms are around yourself. Realize how you are supporting yourself right now. And I will give you a scientific insight that our bodies do actually not know the difference between someone else holding us and we holding ourselves. When you hold yourself, When you caress yourself, When you rock yourself, You produce oxytocin just like when someone else would hold you, Rock you, Caress you. It is our head that tells us that we cannot do this ourselves, That we might not experience the impact of the oxytocin. But if we allow ourselves to receive our own hug, Our own rocking, Our own gentleness, Our own caressing, You feel what you give yourself right now. And why are we doing this? Because you just acknowledge to yourself that there is something that you need. That there is something that you find really hard to receive. It's something that you need from someone else or from other people. Yeah, It's okay. Tell yourself that. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay to feel this need. It's okay to want this. It's okay to long for support. It's okay to long for help. It's okay to long for love. It's okay. It's okay. And if your emotions are strong, Be even more gentle to yourself. Caress your cheeks. You can wipe your own tears, But don't make them stop if they're coming. It's a release of tension. It's a release of sadness. When you allow yourself to release that, That's okay. You're doing it so well. You are doing it so very well. Wonderful. This is self-gentleness. This is self-gentleness. Acknowledging where you are, Being kind, Being gentle with yourself. All right. Now, You can keep on holding yourself or you can put your hands back in your lap. Now, You've acknowledged something that you need help with, Something that you want to receive. Now, You look again at the fountain and through the water, You cannot see it so clear yet. You see there is a being right behind the water. And you cannot see if it's a person or an animal or maybe a fantasy being. It's not so clear yet, But you sense that this being is important to you. You sense that this person is the one that can help you receive their support, Their help, Their love. Their love. So, When you just sit back, You allow them to get up, To walk through that fountain towards you. And while they're walking, You start to see their contours of their body. You can start to see what they're wearing. And you can start to see their face. And again, Don't overthink it. It might be someone that you actually know. It might be a fantasy person. It might be someone that you do not know. It might be someone that you do not yet know. Who knows? Don't criticize whatever's coming up, Whatever you see that is right. And take a look at the way they look at you. Take a look at the way they look at you with such a beautiful smile. So gentle. So kind. And they come to you. And they are in front of you. And you can keep the distance that is comfortable for you. And they look at you and they say, Hi darling, How are you today? Can you feel, Can you receive that gentleness, That kindness? Someone is saying, Hello darling, How are you today? It makes me smile. That might make you smile as well. And then you can say, Well, I'm okay now. I'm okay now. Really happy to see you. How are you today? And they smile. And they tell you, I'm good. Thank you for asking. And then the next sentence they will speak is this. Can I help you with something? Ooh, Again, Can I help you with something? Can you receive those words? Can you feel what it does in your body? How your heart beats a bit faster? How your heart opens and actually receives these beautiful words? Can I help you with something? And I cannot help to smile. I don't know how it's with you. It might be that you're really moved and that you have to cry. It can be that you have to laugh. It can be that you feel a bit hesitant to open up and receive this. That's also okay. It's a process. You're doing it exactly right. You are where you are right now. And that is perfect. You are perfect as you are right now. You are perfect exactly where you are in this beautiful life-long work-in-progress process. You're doing it exactly right. What is it that I can help you with? Well, My dear, You can tell them now what it is that you would like help with. It doesn't matter if it is small or big. It doesn't matter if they might do it or can do it. Just express what it is that you would like help with to this person. Just for practice sake. Dare to communicate your needs. Don't apologize. Don't express your feelings. Don't expect them to immediately help you. Just tell them what you just realized before they came. Go ahead. I will be silent for a minute so you can express yourself to this person that is so eager to help you. And while you're telling them, Look at their face. Look how open they are. They look at you. They smile. They really, Truly hear you. They are here to listen to you. All right. Now, Here comes their answer. They all start to tell you this. Dear friend, Just know that I will always be here to listen to what it is that you need. I'm here. I'm here to hear you. I am here to support you in being okay with having those needs. Because you and anyone else deserves to find ease and flow and help and support and love and inspiration. Because you and everyone else is worthy, Is lovable. You are so worthy. You are so lovable. I'm here to support you. And then they will answer you what they can do right now for you. And they might tell you. They might sing it. They might give you a feeling. They might tell you, No, Not right now. But if they do, The way they will do it will be so kind, So gentle, That you know that they will be here for you whenever you need it. Just to hear and acknowledge you. Because if you ask this person to paint your house, It might be hard for them right now. But because they acknowledge that, They might help you to find a different solution. So trust that their answer is exactly what you can receive right now. I'll be silent again for a minute while they express to you how they will support you from now on. All right. Now, Tune in again with yourself. What are you feeling in your body? What do you feel? Is there any tension? Or is it very light? Is it gentle? If it's hard, Again, Hug yourself. Brock yourself. Caress yourself. And if it's feeling good, Then let it spread all through your body. The place where it feels good, Where it feels pleasant, Where it feels light, Just let that place expand. As if it's filling your whole body with liquid gentleness, Liquid love, Liquid receiving. Receiving of support of this person that lives here within you. This being that supports you. Whether it's a fantasy figure, Whether it's someone you don't know, You know, Or whether it's your dog, It's all okay. They're here to support you. And you have a response to that. And if you need to hug yourself because the response is a bit hard, Then you might realize that this being, This person, Is coming towards you to give you a hug. Together with you, They hold you and they say it's okay. It really is okay. You're doing it fine. It is exactly right what you're doing now. You are so supporting yourself and I'm here to help you with that. All is well. All is well. Even if you're crying, Even if you're feeling bad, All is well. You're doing it exactly right. Be kind, Be gentle. All right. Now, So it's beautiful. You've acknowledged what it is that you need. You've expressed this. There was a really kind reaction. Whatever the support is that they can actually give, They support you, They hurt you, They are here for you. And you know what? You can always find them within you if you need. To practice communicating your needs. To prepare you for knowing how you want to be vulnerable towards others. And that it is okay to feel, To just feel in front of others. That is self-gentleness. Being okay with who you are, However you are in every moment in time. Whether it's up or down, Whether you fell or succeeded, It doesn't matter. You are okay. You are worthy. You are lovable. Always. You don't need to first deserve being worthy or lovable. Because you are always worthy and lovable. And this person knows that, Expresses that. That's a beautiful support. All right. Now, Take a moment to say goodbye. And just know that you can always find them here within you. At this fountain, Where you can connect. It's a safe place within you. And when you're done, Let's walk back together to the stairs. Again, Through the meadow, The flowers, The beautiful trees. The sun, The breeze, The smells, The beauty. And we're going to climb the stairs again. We're starting at 10, 9, 8. And you feel that you are getting back to yourself. You might start to notice your buttocks on the seat, Your feet on the ground. 7, 6, 5. You might stretch a little bit your spine, Wiggle your fingers and toes. 4, 3. You're more present again, Here, Right now. Letting go of this beautiful place within. But just knowing that it's always there for you to go to. 2 and 1. We're all back here now. I invite you to take your time to open your eyes. Just take a minute or so. Don't open them immediately. You've been closing them for quite some time. And when you experience now that feeling that you brought with you, Which is most likely more relaxed, More peaceful than how you started just before, Enjoy that. Allow yourself to feel that. Self-gentleness is, In a sense, The art of allowing things in, Allowing yourself to be. You're doing it exactly right. I'm proud of you. All right. And when you're ready, You can open your eyes. Thank you, Esme, For your donation. I really appreciate it. I'm happy to hear that, Lauren, That it gave you many answers. I'm happy to hear that, Lauren, That it gave you many answers and deep peace. You're most welcome, Dear. You're most welcome, Angela. Thank you so much, Esme also, Peter, Amélie. All right. So this concludes my self-gentleness live of today. I recorded it and I will publish it soon on Insight Timer. So you can listen back if you like. The next one will be on the 11th of October, Step nine, Finding joy, Which is in the end, I think, One of the most important outcomes of self-gentleness, Finding ease and joy. I think that will cover most of it. And remember, Take a look at my find ease in election season, 30 October, 31st of October, 1st of November, Three days in a row where we will ease whatever you might feel in this election season. Even when you're not in the U. S. , You might also experience some feelings around the U. S. Elections or maybe elections in your own country, Or just dealing with polarization in your society, In your community, Around you. So I invite you to come also there. The name of this live was, Well, It's my, Femke, My name is Femke Bakker, My monthly self-gentleness live, Every second Friday of the month at 9. 30 Central European time. And where can you find it to listen again later? In my profile. So if you want to listen to it, You can find it in my profile. So when I close off, You can go to my profile, You can follow me. And if you put on the bell that you're notified when new things come up, Then you will also be notified when the recording will come up on Insight Timer. And while you're at my profile, Listen to my work, Listen to my courses, Come back soon, Come back every day, Listen to my work. That's really, Really helpful to support me and my work here. So thank you so much. Dora says, Hi Dora, Lovely that you're here. Such a surprising result. Thank you, Femke. This was deeply insightful and nourishing. Your work and guidance are outstanding. Thank you so much, Dora. I really love it that you were here. I missed you last time. All right. Thank you all so much. Thank you for your donation. Jennifer really appreciates your most welcome. All right. Thank you all so much. Thank you for your donation. Jennifer really appreciates your most welcome. Yo, Alice, Miss Dina, Mona. Thank you all for being here and hope to see you on the 11th of October, Same time. And then we're going to find joy together. Thank you, Amelie. Bye bye. Thank you all.

Reviews

Thanks that jou made this free course.
Everyone has different approach and interests, or favorites.
For me what you do on IT supports me and i can let go of the acntuesness i so much experience at times.
This whole set of live on IT , i am so happy that it is in your library so i can listen again.