Master Class On Communication

Oh,

Hello there dear meditator and welcome to this deep dive into communication.

We refer to it as conscious communication,

Non-violent communication.

It all goes back to,

Well,

First codified we would think with the Buddha.

When the Buddha laid out the Noble Eightfold Path,

Right view,

Right intention,

Right speech,

Right action.

Then moving into these other aspects,

Right livelihood.

What are you doing with your day?

What are you doing with your life?

Right effort.

So,

So important.

How much are we actually putting into that concept each moment?

Are we phoning it in?

Right mindfulness and right concentration or right samadhi.

Now we could say what's right?

Is it right or wrong?

Honestly,

More so than anything else.

It's so personal.

It's so subjective and we could say authentic.

But we would also want to apply to it.

In the ancient teachings it was a perfection.

Moving towards the highest state of this thing.

So each of us is different.

We're all starting at different points.

We're all ending at different points.

We're all traveling through different roads.

We have different lives.

We have different moments unfolding for all of us.

So what's right speech?

I would like to make it a very,

Very simple definition.

Right speech is speech that does no harm.

Ideally,

It helps.

Helps the whole situation.

But first,

As in the first Yama,

Ahimsa does no harm.

Can we communicate with others in our world without leaving a trail behind us?

So the first tool that I'd like to put out there is the concept of what did I just leave behind?

Ojas,

Sweet vital nectar or Ama,

Toxic residue.

Yes,

It's an after-the-fact assessment.

But I think it's really helpful because if we're aware,

And we'll get into emotional intelligence,

But if we're aware of what we are saying and doing and what other people are experiencing from our words and actions,

That would theoretically be a higher level of emotional intelligence,

Then we're probably going to have a pretty good idea when it's over.

What did I just leave behind?

Yes,

Yes,

Yes.

You certainly could be paranoid.

I've had interactions with people where I felt,

Well,

That went well,

And then three months later they say,

You know,

That that touched me in a way that I really was not anticipating.

That didn't feel good.

And I was like,

Oh,

Didn't know.

I wasn't distinctly emotionally intelligent in that moment,

Or at least in my assessment,

In my reception of what that is.

But if we can ask that question consistently,

What did I just leave behind?

Ojas or Ama?

What am I leaving behind?

I would like when this is done,

When you've finished,

You are left behind with something a little additive.

Maybe you have a tool.

Maybe you are more reflective.

In this particular event,

I was not particularly my best self.

And so we go back to the original definition of right speech,

Speech that does no harm,

Speech that elevates,

Speech that heals and soothes,

Speech that conveys information that is of value.

And so what did you just leave behind in your last interaction?

Was it a poop?

Or was it sweet,

Vital nectar?

Ojas or Ama?

And then again,

Once we have made that assessment,

If we feel,

You know what,

I left some sweet stuff behind,

Then we should feel great.

And there's a connection that was created and something beautiful unfolded.

If instead we go the other route,

Though,

And we're very,

Very specific and say,

You know what?

No,

I left.

I hurt someone's feelings.

I was a little harsh.

I didn't really want to come off that way.

I said this one thing that unraveled all the good that I was putting out there.

Or I needed to be right in that moment.

Or I had to send a message or to teach a lesson.

What would you rather do?

Harp on this stuff for the next 10 years?

Bring it into bed with you as you lay your head on the pillow?

Are you thinking about that when you're sitting and enjoying a sunset or having a beautiful moment,

Suddenly that's going to creep into your head?

My suggestion is to go back and pick up that poop and be fully vulnerable and say,

You know what?

I was not my best when I was expressing or doing this thing.

I would like to apologize and let me see if I can take some of that negative energy that I created,

Not that we created,

And not your part in it or my part in it.

Fully own it.

If you didn't say anything,

Then you can't say anything wrong.

But clearly,

If you left some toxic residue behind by what you said or did or even the slightest little piece,

That's the time to go back and say,

I'm so sorry.

I just wanted to let you know.

I wasn't particularly kind or I'm sorry that I contributed to any suffering that you got from my harshness or the way I characterized something.

Something along those lines.

So that's the first one that I always think.

Everything stems from this right speech.

And of course,

Right action is a component of this.

Then of course,

There's the three gates.

The three gates,

Some people say it's a Quaker tale.

Some people say it's a Sufi tale.

It was being talked about back in the days of Socrates.

So that's a little bit before all those events.

And so first,

Before a word passes your lips.

And again,

Are we trying for perfection?

We're trying for awareness.

That's it.

Just want to be aware.

So if something comes into your awareness in your head and suddenly you're moved to speak,

First ask the question.

Sometimes this is referred to as the three sieves.

First ask the question.

In this moment,

Is it true?

Is it true?

Do I believe it to be true?

Is it really true?

Do I know it to be true?

How do I have this information even inside of me?

And yeah,

Someone could be in a situation where you evaluate them and then you say,

Well,

Based on my evaluation,

Everything is a true evaluation.

Now I'm going to go and tell someone else.

Here's where it starts to get dicey.

So first,

Let's just ask,

Is it true?

Is this true?

Even if your plan is to gossip about it,

Is it true?

Once you've determined that it's true or not,

If it's not true,

It just dies right there.

It's over.

If it is true,

Then we move to the next gate and ask this question.

Is it necessary?

Is it necessary?

So I know it to be true,

But is it necessary that I bring it out into the world?

And you may say,

Yes,

Yes.

Very,

Very important.

Very,

Very necessary.

Let's go back to the original Socrates definitions of these conversations.

He said,

Does it improve upon the silence?

I ask myself that a lot.

Sometimes I'm just about to speak and I'll say,

Does it improve upon the silence?

No.

It's a joke or it's something frivolous or it's not really going to improve.

We could just sit and maybe someone else will speak,

But I don't need to say this thing.

And it was Socrates who specifically said,

Does it add value to the moment?

And so to ask that question,

Am I adding value to this moment?

Am I just making conversation?

Am I saying something that I think is funny,

But will it add value?

I'm saying something that I think might throw shade on someone else that we both don't like or approve of.

Am I improving on the moment?

Am I improving on the silence?

Am I adding value to this moment?

But if you determine,

Yes,

In fact,

What I'm about to say does add value to this moment,

Does in fact improve upon the silence,

Then it moves to the next.

If it doesn't,

It dies right there.

And that third gate is,

Is it kind?

And this is where we have to take our open heart and flow it into the moment.

If it's true and it's necessary,

How can I make it kind?

How can I tell someone news that they might not perceive or interpret as positive news?

How can I give someone information that is true and necessary that I give them?

Whether that's firing someone,

Whether that's breaking up with someone,

Whether that's giving someone a hard no after you've told them a hard yes,

Whether it's changing your mind,

Whether it's betraying this other person because you don't want to betray yourself.

You have to decide which is more important to you in that moment.

But if it's true and it's necessary and you can do it kindly and with kindness,

How would you like to be treated if you were hearing those words that are not particularly uplifting?

Then we speak those words.

We could call that conscious communication.

We could call that a lot of different things.

But if we could flow that,

And it's tough because you're in the heat of a conversation,

You're not going to suddenly go,

Wait,

Wait,

Wait,

Let me ask myself,

Is it true?

Is it necessary?

Is it kind?

You are probably going to be in that Ojas or Ama camp.

It's going to fly out and then you're going to have to ask yourself,

What did I just leave behind?

And I think these are very,

Very important components because,

Again,

We're not judging ourselves and the goal is not perfection.

The goal is evolution.

The goal is to grow and learn.

The goal is to give people gifts with your words and interactions.

The goal is to elevate the planet and elevate our society.

So we have to ask realistically,

What am I doing with my speech?

Am I speaking truth?

Am I speaking something that adds value?

And am I doing it kindly?

And this concept of coming from the heart,

This goes back to the Buddhist teachings.

Can I teach with compassion?

Can I be in that space on a consistent basis?

So we have the three gates and then,

Of course,

Nonviolent communication created by Dr.

Marshall Rosenberg.

Very groundbreaking.

Before we dive into that,

This model,

It's the Haven Communication Model.

Haven is this institution and they have a five-component model and I'm really distilling it down.

I'm not giving it justice and you can explore that if you want in greater depth on your own.

But it starts with the five senses.

It starts with our perception.

What do I see?

What do I hear?

What do I smell?

What do I taste?

What do I touch?

Perception.

That's how we perceive the moment.

We drink it in,

In all its yum-yuckness or in all its just flowing into us.

Once we have perceived something,

Next we interpret it.

And so we could say this is where we essentially make meaning of what I have perceived with my senses.

From there,

We have an opinion.

I believe,

I think,

I assume,

I interpret this,

I imagine,

I guess it's so.

We can come up with all our different words for this,

But we interpret what we sense and that creates a feeling.

Our senses bring something in.

We have an interpretation and then we have a feeling.

And that feeling can be yum or yuck.

It can be positive or negative in whatever way.

I feel open.

I feel open-hearted.

I feel warm.

I feel close.

I'm moving towards you.

So our feeling can bring us towards something.

I'm feeling hungry,

You know,

However we want to,

You know,

Create this process.

But we're moving towards the thing that we are feeling,

Connecting with.

Then on the flip side,

There's the away.

I feel closed.

I feel cold.

I feel distant.

And I'm in this process.

I'm resisting,

Whatever it is.

And so that's the third component.

We have a feeling.

From that feeling,

We then come up with an intention.

We don't have to consciously do it.

It gets triggered the second we have this feeling and that most of the time,

That's through reinforcement.

What do I intend in this moment?

What do I want?

What will I do?

This is all bottled up inside the intention.

What do I want?

What do I intend?

What do I want?

What do I do?

And our intentions can shift.

So it's helpful to share those in a certain way.

But once we have a sensory experience and interpret it and then have a feeling,

We're going to have an intention.

What I intend,

What I want,

What I will do.

And then that leads us to an action.

This is what I actually do,

Right?

We've said a thousand times,

That was not my intention.

I meant to do this but here's what happened.

I wanted to tell you this but I said this instead.

If I'm clear about the other stages through this process,

If I'm awake to them,

If I'm aware of them,

And this is all consciousness and awareness,

Then my actions can be based on informed conscious choices.

How in the world could your intentions be based on informed conscious choices if you're not really aware of that process?

And that's why the concept of Yogastha,

Kuru Karmani.

Yogastha,

Establish yourself in the present moment.

Kuru,

Then perform Karmani.

Action.

Get still before you speak.

Get still before you act.

Take a breath.

Pull back the bow.

Lean back before you lean forward.

Sit down before you rise up.

We get to choose whatever analogy or metaphor we want to apply to this but the space between is that critical space.

That Viktor Frankl line,

In between stimulus and response there is a space.

In that space is our ability to choose.

In that choice lies our growth and our freedom.

So we have a choice and we've all said before,

Oh you make me so mad.

Actually no one could make you so mad.

They could do something that triggers you and then you get mad.

Right?

We go through that.

I perceive what they're saying through my ears.

I interpret it.

I make meaning of it.

I feel something.

Well that's based on a whole bunch of reinforcement and conditioning that we've experienced over the course of our lives.

And everything is context.

There's context in perception.

There's context in interpretation.

There's context in how I'm even feeling.

Right?

If I suddenly feel really,

Really warm but I'm standing outside in a snowstorm,

This is probably a good thing.

If I'm feeling really,

Really warm and it's 90 degrees outside and I'm overheated,

Dripping sweat,

I don't want to feel warm.

And so the same exact sensation,

The same perception,

Interpretation,

And feeling that takes you to a certain place always depends on context.

Everything is context.

And then that moves us into our intention and then that moves us into our action.

And as we said,

These are two separate categories.

So intention doesn't always mirror perfectly our action.

And our actions don't necessarily show up as what we really intended.

Because we've all said before,

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

So that was never our intention.

But then yet we spoke something or did something that hurt somebody's feelings.

So pretty amazing.

So I would encourage you to explore in further depth,

This concept of the Haven model.

So that brings us to a conversation so near and dear to all of our hearts.

And it's celebrating the work of the great Dr.

Marshall Rosenberg,

Nonviolent communication,

Moving that into conscious communication.

And those are intimately and specifically linked to emotional intelligence.

And so let's just explore this for a little bit.

And I'm hoping that there's an opportunity,

Whether you're taking in,

We call it the two Agnis,

Ojas or Ama.

Because Agni is the fire of transformation.

We have an emotional Agni.

That's if it's not burning brightly,

We're probably not going to have a high level of emotional intelligence in that moment.

And if it is burning brightly,

We will understand what we're saying,

We'll understand what we're feeling,

We'll see other people respond to it.

So let me just dive a little bit deeper into the domain components of emotional intelligence,

Similar to the Haven model.

But he has his own premise of these.

It's emotional self-awareness,

Knowing what we're feeling in any given moment,

And understanding the impact,

How we're feeling,

Or what our mood is on somebody else.

This really requires you to put a lot of attention on this other being or beings that you are speaking to,

Or writing to,

Or spending time with.

So emotional self-awareness.

It's what I'm feeling,

And it's understanding how it impacts others.

Just my feeling.

And we are energetic beings,

We know this.

Next,

Self-regulation.

This is just because you think something,

You don't have to say it.

It's controlling and or redirecting.

We could call it mastery,

We could call it regulation of one's emotions.

Just because I'm angry doesn't mean I'm going to attack you.

Just because you stood me up doesn't mean I am going to yell at you.

Maybe I'm just going to drink it in and say,

Oh we had a meeting,

They didn't show up.

I guess it wasn't as important to them as it was to me.

Can we keep that in perspective?

Can we keep that proportionality of what's coming into us and flow it into what's coming out of us?

The same level of proportionality.

We would call this equanimity.

Can I be measured in my response?

And if your feelings really got hurt,

And if you really got rocked to the core in your heart,

Then yes,

Crying certainly is an understandable and acceptable and probably an important and necessary response to that feeling.

Because I had my heart set on it and then my heart got broken.

I don't know how long that lasts,

But let me grieve that momentary loss or that longer loss.

But can we be in control of our outward response?

Can we not raise our voice and scream at someone?

Can we not get physically violent with someone?

Can we not say that hurtful thing that we know is going to stick perhaps for decades and just take a breath?

We have this tool which is just taking a breath,

Pulling back the bow.

And we could practice 16 seconds.

We could just take one breath.

We could practice reaching for soda.

Stop,

Observe,

Detach,

And awaken.

That takes a little longer,

But that's based on what your vagus nerve is telling you and your autonomic nervous system is telling you.

Your emotional tell is.

I've talked about that in other videos that we've done.

But emotional self-awareness and self-regulation.

Goldman has another category,

Motivation.

And maybe that's not the best term for it,

But it's his term and he's the guy who developed this or really popularized it.

So motivation.

Can I use these emotional factors to learn and grow?

Right,

We go with that Viktor Frankl line in that space rests our ability to learn and grow.

So can we do that?

Can we sort of view the space between as a fertile garden,

Cultivating?

And once I learned that,

Maybe I didn't do it again.

And once I learned that,

Maybe I did it with other people because it was really positive.

All right,

Goldman's fourth component,

Empathy.

This is,

You don't have to be clairvoyant for this,

But it's really paying attention to someone's eyes and face.

This is why masking up over COVID was so detrimental to true communication because we couldn't sense what other people and a lot of people said,

Oh,

But I'm great at reading the eyes.

Okay,

But there's a lot more to the face than the eyes.

And there's even the body movement,

You know,

Or nonverbal communication.

According to Elizabeth Winkler,

It's 80% of all our interpretations.

So on a Zoom where you're just seeing a picture or a name,

Not a lot of empathy can go on there.

And empathy is so important to emotional intelligence.

We want to be paying attention that as the words are leaving my lips,

I'm noticing the corners of your mouth are curling up or down.

Your eyes are feeling joy or distinctly not,

Or frustration,

Or sadness,

Or disappointment.

All those.

These are powerful communication aspects that are necessary.

But once we've gone through emotional self-awareness,

Self-regulation,

Motivation,

And empathy,

That brings us to Goldman's fifth category.

And these are just his five domain components of emotional intelligence.

And this is social skills.

Right?

This is like,

How do you manage your relationships?

Are they in a good place?

Can they be adjusted?

Can you inspire and elevate others?

Can you make requests in the form where you get the desired responses from the people in your life,

Or the people that you work with,

Or the people that you're interacting with?

So we could call social skills relationship management.

Let's just call it that.

And so these five components of self-awareness,

Self-regulation,

Motivation,

Empathy,

And social skills.

If we can cultivate this and work on this,

We will be much,

Much better communicators.

Amazing communicators.

So we got a lot of tools here.

Ama and Ojas.

We have the three gates.

We have the Haven model of communication.

We have emotional intelligence.

As meditators,

We have the tools to bring us to the present moment and lengthen that space.

Spend a little bit more time there so we can make a more conscious choice,

A more conscious decision.

That would be spectacular.

We've got all the tools.

Let's just have a little more awareness on what we're feeling.

How does stuff make us feel?

Where do we feel that?

And if we could,

How amazing would it be,

Right?

How amazing would it be for us to enlarge our vocabulary of our emotions?

Because a lot of times we're like,

Feeling good,

Feeling eh.

But our emotional vocabulary is a little stunted right now.

All of us.

And we could just work on expanding it.

Even if it's one word a week,

Or one word a day that we would integrate.

And I have a whole bunch of words in my meditations and IT courses.

Massive lists of words that are needs and are emotions.

Feelings,

Essentially.

And how you feel when your needs are met and how you feel when your needs are not being met.

And so that we can really start to expand this conversation.

We own our words.

We own our impact.

So let's level up.

Let's be a little more impeccable.

Let's be a little more emotionally intelligent.

And so I invite you to spend this month,

And every month,

Just expanding your emotional vocabulary.

Leveling up who you are,

How you want to be.

Who is this person and how are they showing up?

And being a little more humble and vulnerable when we think we've transgressed.

And to apologize quickly and move on.

From the sweet spot of the universe,

This is davidji.

Thank you so much,

Dear meditator.

So great that we are together here.

And I look forward to spending more time in stillness and silence with you.

Raising our vibration and therefore raising the vibration of the planet.

We transform the world by transforming ourselves.

Let's keep it going.

I'll see you in the gap.

Namaste.