Okay,
Don't tell me I'm the only one.
Last week,
Someone asked me to help with something I generally did not have the capacity for.
I knew immediately.
No,
I cannot do this right now.
Well,
That was my thought.
Clear,
Honest,
Completely reasonable.
You know what came out of my mouth?
Of course,
I would love to!
I didn't even pause.
The no formed,
And I swallowed it before it had a chance to exist.
And then,
I spent the next five days quietly being furious,
Not at the person who asked,
But at myself.
Because I had done it again.
I had chosen their comfort over my reality.
And I told myself,
Well,
That was the kind thing to do.
But it was not kind.
It was fear.
And I had dressed it up so well,
I almost believed the costume.
Thank you for being here.
My name is Rianna.
And if you have been doing the work of understanding people-pleasing,
You probably already know the basics.
You know it is a fear response.
You know it is about approval.
You know guilt is not always conscience.
You know this.
And yet,
The next time someone asks you for something,
Or looks disappointed,
Or goes quiet in a way that puts you on edge,
You cave again.
You already know you will.
That's why you're here.
Because knowing is not the same as changing.
So today,
We're going to go somewhere the knowing cannot reach.
We're going to work with the moment itself.
Here's what actually happens in that split second before you cave.
There is a physical response first.
Before any words,
Before any thoughts,
Your chest tightens,
Or your stomach shifts,
Or something in your body registers this as a threat,
Even though no threat exists.
And in that gap between the trigger and your response,
Your nervous system is already running its old program.
Keep them comfortable.
Manage this.
Do not let it go wrong.
You know,
You have been running the program for so long,
You do not even notice the gap anymore.
It's automatic.
The ask comes in,
The yes comes out.
And by the time you have a conscious thought about it,
It's already done.
So what we're going to do is to find the gap.
Because the gap is where the choice lives.
I want you to take a breath.
And then think of a recent moment when you said yes and meant no.
It doesn't have to be a dramatic one.
Just a regular,
Like a Tuesday afternoon kind of moment.
Maybe it was a request you agreed to,
A situation you smoothed over,
A version of yourself you performed for someone else's benefit.
And try to bring that moment to life.
And try to be as specific as possible.
All right.
Got it?
And now I want you to notice where you feel it in your body right now.
Just remembering it.
Where do you feel it?
Is it in your chest?
Your throat?
Somewhere in your stomach?
There is something there.
Not a feeling about the situation.
It's a physical sensation.
Try to find it.
Because that sensation is the signal.
That is what the yes when you mean no feels like in your body.
And most people have never actually stopped to locate it.
They just act on it.
But you cannot interrupt a signal you cannot identify.
Now I want to ask you one question about that moment.
What did you believe would happen if you had said no?
Not what you think now with distance and perspective.
What did you believe in that moment would actually happen?
That they would be angry?
That they would think less of you?
That something important would break?
That you would lose something you could not afford to lose?
Try to name it.
Be honest.
More specific the better.
No judgment.
Because you know here's what I found in my own process in watching other people do this.
The story we tell ourselves about what will happen if we say no is almost never true.
It's a story built in childhood and is reinforced over years.
And right now it's running on autopilot.
It feels like a fact.
It is a hypothesis we have never actually tested.
So the next time you feel that signal in your body.
That tightening.
That shift.
I want you to pause there.
Take a deep breath.
It's not about not saying no immediately.
It's not about having a difficult conversation in that moment.
I want you to just notice.
Because there is the signal.
There is the story.
And there is a gap between them and your response.
And in that gap you have a choice.
You might not use it today.
You might say yes again.
And that is fine.
But once you've seen it you cannot unsee it anymore.
And that is how this changes.
This is not like a one moment type of thing.
If only.
Where you finally stand up for yourself.
No.
It's a dozens of small moments where you notice the gap.
Name the story.
And gradually conversation by conversation choose differently.
So here's your challenge.
Today before you go to sleep write down one situation where you said yes and meant no.
Something that happened this week.
And then also write down what you felt in your body.
Write down what you believed would happen if you had said no.
And then write down has the thing actually happened before when I try to hold a limit.
You might surprise yourself.
All right.
You have something real now.
It's not just the awareness of the pattern.
But a way to actually work with it in real time.
Now the next layer is taking this into your actual relationships.
With all the history and complexity that they carry.
That is much deeper work.
It's structured work.
The kind that changes not just what you do but who you believe you are allowed to be.
So if you enjoyed this you already know there is more to do.
If you click on my profile you can find a step-by-step course on this.
It's called Stop People Pleasing.
How to say no without guilt.
And that is where we're going to do the rest of the work.
So I really hope to see you there.
Have a great day.
