Most people think they people-please because they are too nice,
Too empathic,
Too worried about hurting others.
You know,
There is some truth in that,
But it's not the root.
The root is this.
Somewhere along the way,
You learned that being useful,
Agreeable,
Easy,
Accommodating was the price of being wanted.
That if you stopped performing those things,
Something important would be taken away.
Love,
Approval,
Safety,
Belonging.
The specifics are different for everyone,
But the mechanism is the same.
My name is Rianna and thank you so much for being here.
Let's dive in.
Because people-pleasing is not a personality trait.
It's a survival strategy.
It was a very logical one.
It made sense in the context where it developed.
The problem is that you're still running it in contexts where it's costing you far more than it's giving you.
When you people-please,
You do not just lose the no you did not say.
You lose the information your own feelings are trying to give you.
The anger that tells you a limit has been crossed.
The tiredness that tells you you are giving from empty.
The resentment that tells you something is not fair.
All of these things are data.
And when you spend your energy managing other people's emotions,
You stop having the bandwidth to hear your own.
And then,
One day,
You're exhausted and resentful and you do not even know why.
Because you've been so busy being agreeable that you have not noticed what you actually want in years.
That is what people-pleasing takes from you.
Not just your time,
Not just your energy.
Your sense that you're someone who gets to want things.
So here's the reframe I want you to take from this.
People-pleasing is not about being too nice.
It is about not believing you are enough without being useful.
Shall I say that again?
It's a good reminder for myself too.
People-pleasing is not about being too nice.
It is about not believing you're enough without being useful.
Because when you believe you're enough,
You can be kind from a place of genuine abundance.
You can help people because you want to,
Not because you're afraid of what happens if you do not.
You can say yes and mean it.
You can say no without the world ending.
And the behavior looks similar from the outside,
And the experience from the inside is completely different.
This does not change overnight.
The belief that your value is contingent on your usefulness has probably been running for a long time.
But it starts to shift the moment you see it clearly.
The moment you can name the fear underneath the yes.
So here's your question.
Write it down if you can,
And try to be as honest as possible.
When you think about saying no to someone,
What is the specific thing you're afraid that will happen?
Don't say like a sort of guilt.
No,
No,
No.
I want the actual fear.
What are you scared of?
That they will be angry?
That they will leave?
That they will decide you are too much,
Or not enough,
Or not worth keeping around?
Whatever it is,
Name it.
Because you cannot work with a fear you have not identified,
And you cannot change a pattern you are still pretending is just kindness.
Or maybe if this is easier,
Try it like this.
Finish the following sentence.
I say yes when I mean no,
Because I'm afraid of.
.
.
You do not have to explain it.
Just name it.
Trust me,
You're not alone in this.
If you want to go further with this,
With some tools,
The language,
The work of changing this pattern in your real relationships,
My course Stop People Pleasing,
How to Say No Without Guilt,
You can find it in my profile.
That is where we're going to do the rest.
So I really hope to see you there.
Have a great rest of your day.
