From Perfectionism To Presence

Perfectionism often leaves us paralyzed by impossible standards and harsh self-judgment. In this talk, I share a compassionate perspective that helps you move beyond the inner critic.

This view can help you see how self-understanding can free you from the pressure to be perfect — opening the door to presence, balance, and authentic self-love.

Music: Permafrost by Scott Buckley; Alex Grohl

Transcript

So whether you are a perfectionist like me or not,

Many of us and probably most of us are driven subconsciously by ideal images of how we are supposed to act and it often happens with the labels we have,

You know,

I'm a father,

I'm a partner,

I'm a brother,

I'm a son,

I'm an employee,

I'm an NVC teacher,

I'm a coach and probably a dozen other things and all those labels come with imaginations.

Now,

For many of us,

Luckily not most of us,

But a very large amount of us,

When we have insecure attachment,

Avoidant attachment or any kind of attachment trauma,

This is rooted in,

You know,

Let's say imperfect love from our parents and nobody's perfect,

I'm not saying that we had bad parents,

But I'm just saying many of us have had these difficulties,

You know.

For me it was,

For instance,

Getting punished in unexpected and,

Let's say,

Irrational ways and so for me it's been important to kind of try to be perfect,

To be a perfect son in order to receive love and that is somehow my attachment trauma.

But it doesn't have to be that severe.

We all have images of what is a good mother,

What is a good sister,

What is a good son,

What is a good employee,

What is a good doctor and these images,

They put pressure on us and on one level they are helpful,

You know,

And there's that part of it too,

But there's also a way in which those images stop us from seeing reality and I want to give you kind of a mantra that just came to me,

That's why I'm starting to record this session,

Because I had a new way of seeing this.

So oftentimes when we are caught by images that subconsciously drive us,

I can get,

For instance,

Annoyed or angry at myself if I'm behaving in a way that a perfect dad shouldn't or if I am behaving in a way that a good partner shouldn't.

I'm kind of trapped in a mental image that is telling me I am not what I should be and so I am identified with an ideal and this is basically what you could call ideation or let's just say comparing yourself to an image,

Right?

And that means that I'm actually thinking and I'm not observing and so the simple clarity that came to me was if I'm stuck in this way of thinking which is a bit contracted,

Which is kind of keeping me trapped in mental images and comparisons,

The thing to get me out of it is to stop thinking about myself and to start looking at myself.

And this is deceptively simple,

But how does it work in practice?

So if I'm thinking about myself,

It's all this thing that a lot of us do,

It's the mental chatter,

It is constantly thinking about did I do that right,

You know,

All this kind of rumination,

But that's not the same as looking at myself.

So you could also say that this is the difference between self-consciousness and self-awareness.

So self-consciousness is all this mental chatter and comparison and self-awareness is clear observation of my state.

And so in NVC there is the four-step model that is always a very good tool to kind of tune into reality,

You know,

So the four steps are observations,

Feelings,

Needs and requests.

This is a very good tool to get clarity on a situation.

So observation means what actually happened and the way to see that is what would a camera see?

So,

You know,

If there's a conflict or whatever,

And there's all these stories about what happened and you want to say,

Okay,

But what actually happened?

Then you ask yourself the question,

Okay,

What would a camera have seen if a camera was present?

Okay,

That's how you answer that question.

But interestingly,

The same can be said about the feelings and the needs that live in me.

Meaning that you can also point a kind of camera there that is saying not what I should be or what is the ideal father or,

You know,

All these perfection images,

Which is not really looking,

But rather what am I actually feeling?

What am I needing?

If I make that connection,

Then I'm all of a sudden stepping into observation.

I'm not thinking about myself,

But I'm looking at myself.

And that means I'm stepping into presence.

I'm able to take responsibility.

So it's kind of a responsible thing to do,

You know,

To make that word game.

But I just want to give you this,

Hopefully this click,

This mantra,

This kind of snapping out of it.

And it is whenever you're caught up in thinking,

And it could also be,

You know,

Guilt thinking,

Shame thinking,

Blame thinking about yourself specifically I'm talking about.

So whenever you find yourself trapped in this kind of imagery or self-conscious thinking,

Just take a moment and take a breath.

And instead of think about yourself,

Start looking at yourself.

And that means,

Again,

Taking a breath.

What am I feeling?

What am I needing?

And it actually helps also to literally look around you.

What am I observing?

You know,

To kind of find your way back to reality.

Because when we were trapped in that thinking thing that we're doing,

Notice that you're often also not really looking,

Like literally looking.

So,

I wanted to share this kind of a mind hack,

Life hack hopefully.

Stop thinking about yourself and start looking at yourself as an act of presence and responsibility and empowerment and ultimately kindness.

I hope you have benefit from this.

Thank you for listening.