Welcome to this session exploring how we can stop self-abandonment and how we can radically resource ourselves so that we can have naturally better boundaries.
It starts with the spoken section and then we'll go into a practice of coming in close to ourselves,
Of finding the goodness within us.
For some of us,
When the going got tough,
We got going.
We doubled down on our efforts,
Took extra responsibility and sought to bear burdens that were never really ours to carry.
We looked at our part,
Examined what we could have done differently and then maybe even made immense excuses for bad behaviour of the person right in front of us.
Perhaps we didn't feel safe,
So we did the extra emotional labour,
Doubled down and sought to make everything okay.
We looked way too much at what was ours and not nearly enough at the lack of achievement in the human standing in front of us.
We self-abandoned by not daring to speak up about what didn't feel good,
To ask for what we wanted or to ask clarifying questions.
At some stage,
Saying when would have been exactly the right medicine for us.
No,
That's enough now,
I don't want this anymore.
Yet sometimes we can struggle to do that and we get stuck for years in self-abandonment.
There are many reasons for that and I hold deep compassion if you find yourself in that place.
Yet we also need to look at the fact that carrying the emotional labour of an entire relationship doesn't make us a saint or a saviour,
It makes us a beast of burden.
These are hard truths to look at and as you listen,
I want to acknowledge your bravery in turning towards this.
We have to face the fact that adult relationship work best when we walk alongside each other,
When we take turns,
When we're each willing to look at what our part is.
Just because someone blames us,
It doesn't necessarily mean that it is our fault.
And yes,
We can't defend against that possibility either.
Sometimes we really do need to look at what our part is.
But in this audio,
I'm speaking more to those who tend to take the blame for everything,
To pick up the slack everywhere and to give too much.
It will serve us to look at a situation twice,
To see what is ours to do and what is not ours to do,
And then perhaps to let that part go and let it drop.
What I really want to say here is you don't have to be tied to your trauma.
You do not have to be wedded to what is hard.
You do not have to beg for the bare minimum.
You do not have to shoulder the blame of everything to find your way through.
And sometimes we need to learn to do it differently.
Sometimes we have to be brave enough to let the tendrils of trauma that bind us to another person drop,
To let our heart heal and to find new ways forward.
We've been putting up with way too much for way too long.
And sometimes that means we've been putting up with way too little for way too long.
We've fawned when someone else said something screwy.
We put ourselves and our needs aside to keep the peace.
And we took someone else's bad behaviour as a reflection on us,
Rather than a statement about them and their behaviour.
Again,
I want to call in compassion as we listen here.
Perhaps on some level we sensed that we weren't safe.
Perhaps our former self had to earn security.
We had to placate to keep the peace.
And perhaps our fawn response was the only thing that kept us from being hunted down.
Some folks grew up on emotional battlefields and had to literally become a walking white flag in order to keep the peace.
Occasionally,
Perhaps that got bottled up too much and we lost our temper,
Lashing out with years of frustration and then felt ashamed of ourselves for that too.
Breaking under the strain that no one should ever have to bear.
We've tried everything to make it right.
And along the way there,
In that process,
We sometimes lost ourselves.
We'd stayed small to stay safe,
Didn't ask for too much and were grateful for what we've got.
So now we see all that.
What do we do with that knowing?
That's a lot to come to reckon with.
How do we turn the corner here?
One answer is that insight helps.
Coming to the awareness that you've been putting up with too much or too little really helps.
Starting to know that you have been self-abandoning in certain relationships is a really big step.
Let this knowing of what self-abandonment is work you.
Let it move through you.
Let it come into your consciousness and reflect on it.
We do not have to make ourselves wrong for having not been treated well in our past.
We simply seek to learn a little more day by day,
To see a little clearer and to dare to do it differently.
So right now let's practice together,
Coming in close to ourselves and letting life be good.
If it feels safe to do so,
Close your eyes.
And if not,
Lower your gaze.
Bring your attention to the back of your body.
Notice if you're holding hardness,
If you've been bracing in your body.
If your shoulders are sort of up and winced and shouldering too much and see if you can let them drop.
Let your shoulder blades move down your back.
And as you do so notice that the area around your heart might open a little more.
Bring your attention to your hands.
See if you can unclench them,
Soften them and open the palms.
Turn your palms face up.
Be ready to receive.
Really rest down on whatever surface you're sitting on.
When we've been diligently doing too much in our relationships,
We're often in a stage of hyper alertness,
Hyper vigilance.
So really let yourself rest down.
Deepen your breathing into your belly if you can.
And seek to slow your breath.
And again,
Trust in your body as you do this.
We're not looking for a perfect technique here.
We're looking to increase trust in ourself and in our own knowing.
Rest down.
And slow down.
And bring your energy inwards.
If we've been in a difficult relationship,
Our energy is often out tracking the other.
So come in close to yourself.
Come home to your heart.
Give yourself the precious gift of your own knowing.
Your own attention.
Acknowledge that you're taking on a big topic.
And smile at yourself for daring to do so.
And then simply invite in what is good.
Some simple pleasures all around you.
It might be something you can see outside your window.
Or you might be sitting on something comfy you can relax into.
Maybe you have a cup of tea next to you.
Bring your attention to the goodness and to what is nurturing you.
And see if you can really let that in.
And I invite you to bring one hand to your heart.
And to acknowledge yourself for how hard you've tried.
In all your relationships,
How much you've given.
How much you've tried to figure it out,
To work it out and to show up better.
I want you to acknowledge yourself for doing your part.
For showing up in a good way.
We don't always get that acknowledgement from those around us.
Particularly in strange and potentially unsafe relationships.
Say some comforting words to yourself.
Your words.
Maybe something like you've done good.
Or I see you.
Or I'm proud of you.
Or I'm sorry it's been so hard.
Or maybe just simply wow and ow.
Wow.
Ow.
It got like that.
Spend the next few minutes honouring your own experience.
And telling the truth to yourself about how much you've given.
And maybe about how hard it has been.
And then I invite you to sow some seeds of intention here.
Seeds of goodness that will flower in your life.
Seeds of sweetness that will take root around you.
Perhaps we can break up with misery and dare to date destiny instead.
Call in a willingness to let your life be lovely.
To let yourself be loved in good ways.
To find safe relationships where you don't have to self-abandon.
Often we self-abandon because we feel like we haven't got ourselves.
So we need to keep someone else in their bad behaviour in order to stay safe.
That worked as a child.
But it's not great as an adult.
So really notice your own presence here.
A key part of healing ourselves is coming into relationship with ourselves.
With our own protector,
Carer and the compassionate one within us.
Sit here with yourself.
Breathing.
Being with you.
Not distracted but really being with yourself.
And all that you've had to work with in these potentially tricky relationships.
Honour your own heart.
Have your own back.
Be your own best friend.
When these things come online we naturally find ourselves setting better boundaries.
We naturally learn to speak up for ourselves bit by bit.
We don't have to deny others or be mean to them.
We just honour ourselves in the dynamic.
So as we finish today,
I invite you to keep that sense of self-care with you.
To put down the ways of which you blame yourself and have tried too hard.
And to literally dwell in self-compassion,
In self-care,
In cultivating friendship with yourself.
These things don't change overnight but they do change.
And when we change our inner world,
Our outer world changes too.
Things get healthier,
People treat us better.
Good starts coming.
We get resourced and resilient.
So I thank you for your practice and I see you in your commitment to doing it better and to having more happiness in your life.
And I bow to your bravery.
Please join me again for another meditation soon.
And I send you so much well-wishing for your day.
You're doing great.
