Hello my friend,
So how do we be our own friend,
Be friends with ourselves.
It's something I talk about a lot in my work because befriending myself has been the most and single most important thing I have done in my life.
And I feel I've done a lot of things that I can benefit from,
Be proud of,
That others are proud of in me and have benefited from.
But by far the most supportive to me,
To others,
Most life-enhancing is when I went on a journey to really heal my self-relationship.
And become a truly constant,
Consistent friend to myself.
What sort of things did it change for me?
It really led me to feel so much safer on the inside.
I used to be someone who had a lot of anxiety.
Small things could destabilize me.
I needed consistency in a world that will never offer that.
I was very self-critical in my inner world,
In my self-talk,
And I pushed myself beyond my limits constantly.
I didn't listen to my own body or nurture and deem precious my own energy and where I put it.
And I had a lot of things,
As we all do,
From the past,
From my development in life in childhood,
That needed healing,
That had become patterns that were really putting a wedge between me and myself.
Self and also between the possibility of me being well physically,
Emotionally and being the me I want to be in the world and most of all just feeling like I have my own back because life throws all sorts of things at us.
We don't know what's going to happen.
It's unpredictable.
It's uncertain and there are going to be good days and bad days.
What we want to feel is there's always something there that is comforting and hopeful and and that has to come from within.
We can't put that on anything or anyone else in life.
It has to come from within.
So what people often ask me is,
Because I think most people think,
Yeah,
This is a great idea,
Let's be friends with ourselves,
Obviously.
But they do ask,
How do I do that?
And I want to just give you some pointers that may help you.
The first thing I think that's important to do is to understand that you have needs and that these needs are not bad things.
Every day,
There'll be something inside you sending you a message about what it needs.
And in very simple terms,
That could be,
I need to eat more today,
Or I need to move more today,
Or I need to rest today,
Or I need to feel a bit more alive today.
You know,
We wake up and we begin begin to feel these needs bubbling up.
And the sad thing is,
Is that at times in our lives many of us suppress these really sacred messengers that are guiding us.
Maybe because we're worried these needs can't be fulfilled or answered.
There's no time.
We have to be productive.
Other people need us.
Right?
Or we haven't learned to meet our needs.
That's very common.
All these things are normal.
So the first thing is,
I think,
To appreciate that our needs are there for a good reason.
And that gently and gradually we can learn what they're asking for.
And I think primarily needs aren't necessarily asked to be fixed or to change so they don't have this need.
I think they need to know that you're on their side,
That you're listening,
That you're listening so that As you plan your day or as you move through your day,
You're attending to those needs too.
That is the basis really of self-alliance and self-friendship.
It is saying my needs matter.
And it's not about fixing them or saying they're wrong or there's damage here.
There's nothing about you that's broken.
It's more that the connection can get broken and we can reestablish that.
We just spend some time,
Maybe first thing in the morning,
Ideally,
Maybe wrap your arms around yourself,
Say,
Hello,
How are you?
How are you feeling?
And just tune in and let yourself feel.
And then say,
I'm on your side.
I'll bear this in mind as we go through the day.
I'll make sure that these feelings,
That I'm making space for them.
And just see where that leads you.
Because the parts of us that are sending these needs will feel more secure knowing we're happy to have these needs and be alongside them and be kind.
Rather than going,
No,
No time for that,
Not listening,
Or it's wrong that you feel that way.
That needs to change,
You know,
Which really shuts the inner self down and makes it feel very unsafe.
So the first thing you're doing is just calming your body,
Stabilizing and grounding by welcoming needs.
Often we think when something comes up in life,
How do I get out of this?
When we could be thinking,
I'm here with me while I find my way.
I'm here with you while we find our way.
It's a way of talking to yourself.
No matter what.
I'll be kind to you,
We say to ourselves.
And if I'm not kind,
I'll shift that self-talk and become kind again.
That's the approach to needs,
Especially to difficulties.
And then another key tip,
Which you'll have heard before,
Is what is friendship to you?
And that could be thinking about a friend who's a really good friend and what they do and don't do that you like when it comes to your friendship.
I'd encourage you to write those things down.
Because they are guidance.
As to how to be the best friend you can to you.
But there are people who say to me they don't have a friend like that,
They wish they did.
So,
Did you ever have imaginary friends or did you ever wish to meet the perfect friend?
Let's imagine who the best friend you could possibly have would be.
What would they be like?
How would they hold space for you and what would their friendship do for you?
And write that down.
Third way into this.
Is to think about when you know you've been a good friend because you've had feedback.
There is an urge inside of you.
And a capability to offer friendship.
And if you have that,
You can offer it to yourself.
Here are some things.
I like about friendship and the friends I have and the way I treat myself.
A friend doesn't keep score.
Like a true friend isn't continually measuring your worth.
Something we can do in ourselves,
Isn't it?
Continue measuring our worth.
A friend doesn't care about how productive you are.
They're not keeping a tally of your productive days.
They're not withdrawing affection because you're struggling.
They're not demanding perfection before they offer you any warmth.
Or an invitation to do something fun.
So the question is,
How can you become someone who doesn't require yourself to earn your kindness?
And there are some clues there.
The other thing you can do is have an image of yourself sitting beside yourself or walking with yourself or holding your own hand.
If you're visual,
You can picture yourself.
Being next to the version of you that is not fixing you or rescuing you,
But is.
Just being with you.
We often think what will heal us is finding the right answer or finding the answer to something.
But that kind of implies that we're a problem or that having things that need to be healed means we're damaged.
It doesn't.
We're always healing something.
And that's actually really wonderful.
And so is all of nature.
Renewal repair is just a part of the rhythm of life.
We don't have to necessarily dig into the past or find answers.
It's saying,
You're facing something that feels uncertain or you don't have the answers and that's okay.
And we're together with ourselves in that.
We let that happen.
How about,
What would it mean to you to become your safe place?
Because often we search the world to find safety.
We put all our safety into all the moving parts of people and things.
When I get this job or this promotion or this person,
You know,
When,
When things are going well in this relationship or when I have this amount of money or,
Something else that we're externalizing our safety to.
Your body can feel safe in the moment.
You can give yourself that safety.
By being a person who stands by you and with you and is kind to you wherever you go.
Carry that love,
That warmth,
That kindness,
That friendship within you.
No one can take that away from you.
Friendship allows humanity.
It doesn't need you to be perfect.
I mean,
Friends let each other be wonderfully ordinary in every day.
Some days your friends are sparkling and some days they're really tired.
Some days they're really enthusiastic and confident and some days they're really uncertain,
But you still love them.
So in your self-friendship,
There's a contract.
You don't have to become a better human before you deserve your own good company.
My friends also help me see beauty.
They nudge me towards life,
Not away from it.
Things like,
We're going for a walk,
I went for a walk yesterday at sunset with a friend and she was like,
Look,
The light is changing.
And it reminded me light does change.
They help you remember to listen to the birds and that the birds haven't stopped singing.
After a bad day they might say,
Come on over,
Let's not miss today because yesterday was hard.
And they're not distracting you from pain.
Holding you in it and expanding life around it.
And that's something that I've really learned to do for myself.
Like,
Just because today was hard,
What can I do for myself in the evening to reset?
Or if yesterday was hard,
Today doesn't need to be.
How can I make today different?
And more loving.
And a friend speaks hope.
They just help you gently remember that you've survived difficult days before.
You don't know everything yet.
That's okay.
No one does.
And there's always goodness we haven't seen or met yet.
We don't always remember that when we're in a bad place.
That's something we can remind ourselves.
We've been through things before,
It's been okay.
There's lots of things we don't know yet and lots of potential for great goodness.
We've discovered that before and it's also ahead of us.
How can you give yourself these reminders?
Do you talk to yourself?
If you do,
Then that's a way.
Or you could record yourself a pep talk for when you need it.
It's good to hear it from your own voice.
But very importantly.
.
.
I delight in my friends and they delight in me.
We feel delighted by each other.
A friend delights in you.
Friendship isn't only for emergencies.
It's someone who laughs with you,
Who celebrates tiny victories,
Who notices when you're happy and lit up,
And who says,
There you are,
There you are again.
Isn't it great being you?
Aren't you great?
Isn't life good to you?
Isn't it nice and fun being in life?
Delight in yourself and find things to delight in yourself every day.
You're walking yourself home again and again.
I know that we wonder.
I know we forget.
I know that life scatters us into a thousand directions.
But we walk with ourselves.
We come home again with that patience that a dear friend has who never minds making the journey when the journey's needed.
So as we come to the end of this talk,
Which is here for you whenever you want,
To listen again.
Just want to offer you some wishes.
Just get comfy and breathe with these and see if you can allow yourself to receive them.
May you become the person you most trust to be beside you.
The one who remembers your goodness when you forget.
The one who celebrates your joy without guilt.
The one who reaches for your hand in difficult moments.
May you be the one who never leaves you.
And know that you're never walking through this life alone.
Take a few more breaths for yourself here.
I wonder what the next thing you'll do for yourself will be?
As you move forward with your day or night in the spirit of self-friendship.
Bless you,
Thank you for being here,
And until next time,
Bye for now.
