Day 29: The Thread You Were Weaving All Along

Hello and welcome to day 29 of this soul curriculum journey through 30 days of a soul art journey.

This is the lens that I'm working through and it's my own soul art journey and I'm still on it.

And this is the second to last day.

Oh my goodness.

That's a lot.

That's 29 days now of transmitting,

Of being honest,

Being vulnerable,

Being in my journey live with you.

So,

And also 29 days of you showing up as well.

Day before we have the final day,

I want to go over some of the things from the beginning all the way till now and a piece of a thread that I found.

I only found it by looking back at looking back at the journey.

And when we go through these things and we have insights,

That's the beautiful pieces.

We can always go back and revisit and find even more in that journey.

Just find a comfortable position with your body.

For some people,

It might be cross-legged.

Some people might be their feet on the ground.

Some people might want to lean back in an easy chair.

I invite you to close your eyes.

And bring your awareness in.

And breathing in.

Blowing a cool stream of air out through your lips.

On that exhale,

Allowing your body to settle in.

To be with the weight of your body,

The volume of your body,

The way your body is supported on whatever is beneath it.

Inhaling.

And exhaling through the lips.

Feeling that release and that letting go.

And one of the things that I find really amazing when I bring my awareness in.

Is how much life,

How much space,

How much energy is within each of us.

And in a way,

That energy is like a thread in our lives.

With your eyes closed now,

Just see if you can tap into that inner energy,

That inner life force.

See if you can feel it in your body,

Like the thread of your life,

Right?

On the inhale.

And then the exhale.

Can you feel the aliveness in your body?

Can you feel the energy that's present,

That life force?

Inhaling.

And exhaling a cool stream of air through your lips.

And one last time,

Inhaling.

And exhaling a cool stream of air.

So whenever you're ready,

You can open your eyes or you can keep them closed and listen.

It's totally up to you.

I'm going to go a little bit through what this journey has been,

And then we're going to do a practice around that thread that happens in our journeys,

In our lives,

And actually figure out what that thread is,

Right?

29 days ago is when I started this journey of 30 days.

And I'm going to use my notes,

Because there's been a lot.

There's been a lot we've been through.

But first,

I sat down to write my intention.

And what I had was,

I am held as I release the woman who abandons herself.

And I think a lot of people can relate to that,

That we abandon ourselves in many different ways.

And that was it.

That was my intention.

And I want to read to you what my very first post on the very first day of this journey doing these lives was.

And it said,

I'm starting something today that feels both terrifying and necessary.

For the next 30 days,

I'm documenting my live soul art evolution.

Not the polished version,

Not the should-be version,

But the real one,

The messy one,

The messy middle,

The doubt,

The breakthrough,

And the becoming.

My intention for this entire journey,

I am showing up for myself.

That's it,

Not proving anything,

Not creating content,

Just showing up for myself.

So that was what I wrote on day one,

And that's what we talked about on day one.

But I want you to notice something.

The intention I said in the post was different than the original.

My intention,

I said,

Was I am showing up for myself.

But the seed,

The original intention that started this whole journey was I am held as I release the woman who abandons herself.

And those are not the same sentence.

They hold the same truth,

But they're not the same sentence.

And it took me until 29 days to see that those two intentions were moving toward each other the entire time.

So I had one that was seeded,

And then I landed on one that I used.

But together,

They were like an infinity symbol.

On one side of the loop,

I'm releasing the abandonment.

On the other side of the loop,

I'm showing up for myself.

And the crossing point is the threshold,

That threshold in the middle.

That was every single day.

So you see that infinity?

The center was every single day of this journey.

And I'm going to show you what I mean,

Because the thread was there really from the very beginning.

I just didn't know I was weaving it.

Day two,

I took my art to water,

Right?

I stood there with the wet paper,

And I kind of baptized my canvas before I was going to paint on it.

And my voice was,

You should have just left it alone.

It was going to be fine,

Right?

But the woman who abandons herself would have just left it alone.

The woman showing up for herself kept going,

And I kept going,

And I followed my inspiration.

Day three,

I let it steep.

I let that art just sit for a week without touching it,

Because I didn't want to force something that maybe wasn't ready to come out.

And the woman who abandons herself pushes,

Performs,

Continues,

Doesn't let it go.

The woman who's showing up for herself trusts that she is listening to the timing,

That the steeping is necessary.

Day four,

My daughter joined me,

Talked about how creating with someone else can be really beautiful,

Especially children,

They tend to give you information,

And my child was talking about the mimics.

The stories,

Right?

The mimic sound,

The sometimes it sounds like it cares.

It sounds like it loves.

It sounds like comfort.

It sounds like I love you,

But it's the mimic voice.

My daughter was telling me that story and that came through in a few of the days.

Logic ran out.

I didn't know what to do.

I trusted myself.

I trusted that moment of screw it.

What am I going to do?

What am I going to mess up?

Even though my,

The woman who abandons herself was like,

Ooh,

This might not be a good idea.

It might not look pretty.

It might not look nice.

Right.

But I ended up putting this spiral.

Right here,

And that became the center of the whole soul art.

You really can't think your way to truth.

You have to kind of feel into it.

The next day of my journey,

My husband said,

Which way is up?

I had no idea that I was doing it a different way.

It was not painted this way.

It was painted sideways.

But if you notice when it's this way,

You can see almost like a profile.

That's the profile.

And it felt like my self portrait.

It felt like my higher self with the sun and the flower.

And so when we figured out the real orientation,

It really mattered.

Sometimes you don't need to change what you're working with.

You just have to,

You know,

Move it around a little,

See it from different perspectives.

Then I started painting the yellow on my face and I did the embodiment.

I started to embody my journey.

You don't just make something.

The thing actually makes you in a lot of ways,

The creation,

The expression,

Begins to them,

Right?

I found her and I brought her home.

No one else was coming,

But I,

I stopped and I noticed and then I went further back and I did a soul retrieval with my seven year old self and the bike accident that I had.

We looked at being locked in a car and the fear and all of that stuff that came out and then talked about my journey with teeth because I've always had these teeth issues and that showed up again after my parents died when I broke seven teeth and we started looking at this original wound that I have.

How did this show up?

It's because I was following,

I was following,

Right?

And I found her too,

And then I realized that I had a remedy after my parents died that I never took.

I didn't even remember that before.

But I'm like,

I was given that remedy,

And I just couldn't take it.

I was in such a place mentally and emotionally that I couldn't.

That was the phone call that my homeopath made,

And I couldn't.

I just hung up on her,

And I started crying because I couldn't tell her that my parents died because they knew her well.

Creating contact,

Having a moment,

And then me pulling back.

It's too emotional.

It's too much.

Having a moment,

And then me pulling back,

Right?

That's something that I've been doing a lot.

In my life.

Ignatius Rebellion something alongside the grief.

That morning where I gave my husband a kiss.

And I said,

You need to read my book.

And that was a pivotal moment for me.

So do you see the infinity?

Do you see that in that infinity loop?

It's a constant.

Every day,

I was confronted with something that was abandoning myself.

And every day,

I kept showing up.

So it was this infinity symbol,

Right?

Every day,

I was looking at something,

A new way that I abandoned myself.

Every day,

Something else would come up,

A new way how I abandoned myself.

And every day,

I would sit with it,

And I would show up for myself.

Like that seed intention and then the intention that I ended up with.

And it's funny that on day 29,

All of a sudden I realized it was all the same journey,

Right?

It was all the same journey.

I held both intentions the whole time.

The woman who abandons herself in the art,

In the body,

In the grief,

In the money,

In the marriage,

In the book,

In the creative expression,

In the support that I couldn't receive,

In the crows I didn't see.

I mean,

It was everywhere.

And then every single day in some small way or huge way,

I showed up for myself and I stuck with it.

I stuck with it.

So yeah.

That's been the journey,

And I've realized this is the symbol.

I'm going to work with that's the thread that is the thread I am held as I release the woman who abandons herself And I am showing up for myself the thread and that threshold in between two sides of the very same loop I didn't design this.

I've been coming every day,

Showing you my truth,

My vulnerability,

And what's going on with my life.

I have not scripted any of this,

Right?

From day one all the way to day 29.

So all of it,

I didn't know,

I just kept showing up.

And I just kept showing up with curiosity.

I kept showing up with awareness.

I kept showing up with consciousness.

And I kept moving deeper into what was showing up each day.

So this is the teaching of day 29.

Not that you need to know where you're going.

You don't need to know where you're going.

You don't have to have it all planned out.

You don't have to know this.

These are the things you're going to hit.

Like these are the milestones you're going to hit in the journey.

It's really just about showing up for yourself every day.

And it doesn't mean that it's a big,

Huge thing.

It means that you just,

You sit with awareness and consciousness in your life and you get curious,

You get curious,

You go,

Hmm,

How can I go a little bit deeper?

What is the thread underneath this journey?

So for me,

I have a symbol for the thread of this journey and that symbol is the infinity loop.

It was always there.

I just didn't,

I needed to turn around and look at the journey.

And when I looked back,

I was like,

Oh my gosh,

That's exactly what it is.

And so that symbol will be in my life for a little while.

So I want to bring you through something just for a minute.

And I started with the beginning breath talking about,

We all have a thread in different journeys and different things we're doing in life,

But we also have a thread of life energy within our body.

And that's why I was having you just breathe and feel into the connection,

The connective tissue,

The life blood,

The life force within our body,

Because that's the thread of our existence,

Right?

Go ahead and close your eyes.

If it's comfortable for you.

And just take a breath and feel into that breath.

Feel into the connectiveness in our body.

In this lifetime.

Just inhaling.

And exhaling.

Sometimes I like to think about the space.

Like the space where the energy travels all the way through our body.

We're not stopping that space.

It's the space between the cells,

Right?

All of that space that holds us together.

So inhaling.

And exhaling.

And just for a minute,

Think about something that you've been in.

Maybe it's a journey.

Maybe it's a season.

Maybe it's a relationship.

Might be a creative process.

If you're someone who's in your creativity,

It might be a chapter of your life.

Something that felt maybe messy or non-linear.

While you were in it.

You didn't know what to expect while you were in it.

You know,

It's that thing where you can't always see where you're going.

So just get a picture,

Breathe into it.

If it's a picture,

A thought,

An image,

A symbol,

A sound,

A word,

A phrase.

Just breathe into it.

And I want you to ask yourself,

What was the thread underneath it?

What was the space,

The electricity in the body?

What held it together?

What was the thread underneath it?

Not the surface story,

Not what you told people,

Not the events,

Not how everything happened in a certain order,

Not what even happened.

The thread that holds it together.

And what was it actually about?

What was that journey actually about?

Breathing in.

And exhaling.

What were you learning?

What were you learning slowly?

What were you learning sideways?

What were you learning?

That you didn't recognize or realize until later.

And you can just let something come.

You don't have to force it.

You don't have to analyze it,

Just allowing it to surface.

Inhaling and exhaling.

Now just for a minute.

Might you imagine an infinity symbol?

Imagine that track of an infinity symbol.

And on one side what you're releasing.

And on the other side what you're becoming.

And that crossing point where the lines cross.

That's the threshold.

That is every moment you show up.

Every moment that you keep going,

And maybe you don't know why.

That cross.

Feel the wholeness of that symbol.

What it means to have stayed long enough to see what something is actually about.

Take a breath in.

Exhaling through the mouth.

And let yourself sit with that infinity symbol just for a second.

And when you're ready.

You can open your eyes.

I'm going to give you some questions.

You can let them fly.

You can grab onto them.

What was the thread underneath your own journey lately in your life,

In your creative practice,

Your relationships you're becoming?

Not the surface story,

But the real one underneath.

And where have you been releasing something on one side of the loop?

And becoming something on the other.

How can they happen simultaneously?

You're becoming as well as you're releasing,

Right?

Without realizing that both the releasing and the becoming are the same exact movement.

In this journey,

What did you not know at the beginning that you know now?

And how did not knowing make the journey more honest,

More real than if you had mapped out the whole thing?

30 days ago.

And it's amazing.

So it's not ending,

It's not ending.

So tomorrow isn't the conclusion of the journey,

But.

.

.

It is the moment that the journey becomes conscious of itself.

That moment where we stand and we say,

I see you,

I see what you're becoming right now.

And then we keep going.

So that's what happens when you show up for yourself.

And this is day 29.

And you stop being a woman who abandons herself,

Right?

You don't have to do it perfectly.

You don't have to do it permanently.

You don't have to do it without an occasional backslide,

Because I absolutely had backslides throughout the 30 days,

Right?

But fundamentally,

Something has shifted.

I can feel it.

I can feel deep in the core of me that this 30 days has been just so profound.

If you are interested in the journey,

Like I went through just basic themes that we went through,

But all of the days are on Insight Timer.

They're on my video tracks.

So they're all labeled day one,

Day two,

Day three,

And you can find the different themes,

But it is really a journey.

It goes from day one all the way to today.

You can go check out all of the days and see all the crazy insights and all the crazy stuff I've been through.

Who would have guessed?

So you can go check it out.

Tomorrow's the final day,

And I hope to see you there.

Thank you so much for coming out,

My friends.

Namaste.