There is a dark place.
Some days,
For me,
One dark thought leads to another dark thought,
And I forget to stop.
And I find myself at the bottom of a hole.
A very dark hole.
And when I'm not in the dark place,
I call it the dark laundry chute of despair,
And I can laugh about it.
But when I'm in the dark place,
Nothing is funny.
It's just dark.
In the dark place,
I can't see even the brightest light.
In the dark place,
I can barely feel my heartbeat.
When I'm in the dark place,
I feel very alone.
When I'm in the dark place,
All I want is a hug.
And at the same time,
I'm so ashamed about my dark place that I push everyone I love away.
Everyone.
And all of their hugs.
And I sit there,
Sometimes crying.
And sometimes,
I just lie in the darkness,
Searching for the light.
This is a heart-hug meditation,
For if you find yourself in that dark place.
I don't want you to be alone in there.
I'm not going to say much,
Because I know there isn't much you want to hear right now.
But I do want you to know that you're not alone.
And that it's okay to be there,
In that dark place,
With your dark thoughts.
I'm just going to sit here with you.
And as we sit here,
With your dark thoughts,
Just turn towards them.
Just be with them.
Notice what they're saying.
Just say hello,
And open your arms up to your own darkness.
And if you cry,
Just cry and be with your tears as they roll down your face.
Just feel them rolling down your cheeks.
Whatever you are feeling,
Just be with it.
Sit with those feelings,
And don't try to change a thing.
Just be here with me.
With your darkness,
And your breath.
For the next few minutes,
Listen to the notes of the music.
Are the notes on the piano going up,
Or are they going down?
Just notice which one.
And as you listen,
Just be here with me.
Are the notes on the piano going up,
Or are they going down?
Just notice which way the notes are going.
Up.
Up.
Down.
Down.
Down.
In the darkest dark,
Sometimes all we need is one star.
One memory,
One moment to bring us back.
Up.
Up.
Sometimes it's the memory of a hug,
Or a laugh,
Or a dog's tongue as it kisses you,
If you like that sort of thing.
For me,
It's the memory of holding my grandma's hand,
Or the thought of jumping in a lake,
Or eating a piece of bread when it's still warm.
Maybe it's the sound of a child's giggle,
Or the feeling of them falling asleep on your chest.
Up.
Up.
Down.
Sometimes you aren't ready,
And you just need to stay there in the darkness.
And that's okay.
You can stay there as long as you want.
And sometimes,
As you look up,
And as you breathe,
And as you feel the ground under your feet,
The mud between your toes,
The wet grass under your feet,
The pavement as you run,
The earth underneath you,
Sometimes in the memories of those moments you look up from the dark place,
And you can see a star.
Tiny little bit of light just looking at you down there.
And suddenly the dark doesn't seem as dark,
And the sky opens up,
And the moon opens up,
And your heart opens up.
And you can feel it beating,
And your face feels warm,
And you remember the sunrise,
And the feeling of goosebumps and excitement.
And you remember hugs,
And you remember the expansiveness of the world,
And you were gazing up at the sky and the stars,
And the moon is just looking down at you,
Loving you.
You,
The star.
You,
The moon,
And you,
The sky.
You,
Both dark and light and in between.
And when you can't hear your heartbeat,
And you can't see the light,
You are not alone.
And at the other side of the darkness is the moon looking down at you and shining her light,
And shining her light even when you can't see her.
Your heart is beating even when you can't feel it.
You are a star,
And you are the moon,
And you are both dark and light,
And in all of it,
You are loved.
