Polyamory For Beginners: Is It Right For You? (Talk)

If you're considering or new to Polyamory, you might be wondering if it's right for you. In this talk, I'll share how to differentiate if polyamory is a healthy or unhealthy choice for you. Plus, 5 common signs that you're doing it for the right reasons. For a deeper dive, check out my Insight Timer course on Ethical Non-Monogamy, Polyamory, and Open Relationships.

Transcript

Hi,

This is Ori Krug,

Board certified dance movement therapist and trauma and relationship expert.

Today,

I would love to have a talk with you about polyamory,

Specifically polyamory for beginners and five signs that you are doing it for the right reasons.

With only 5% of the population identifying as ethically non-monogamous or E&M,

It is such a bold,

Brave,

And uncommon journey to be poly.

Depending on where you live,

There may be little to no support,

And if you muster up enough courage to tell your friends or your family,

They'll likely challenge you with so many questions that can make you wonder if it's the right choice at all.

If you do a quick search on the internet,

You'll find so many articles claiming that polyamory is a trauma response and a way for people to avoid confronting their unhealed pain.

I will argue that this theory is often untrue and actually quite the opposite of the truth.

Because while unresolved trauma can be the drive to becoming poly,

It's not always the reason.

Plus,

If you practice polyamory in a conscious,

Embodied way,

You have the opportunity to process and heal past trauma more deeply than ever before.

Because more relationships,

Especially different kinds of relationships,

Will inevitably expose old attachment wounds that still need attention.

With one partner,

You may notice an intense need for validation,

And with another partner,

You may witness yourself sabotaging a beautiful,

Strong connection because the intimacy scares you and they need validation.

Through polyamory,

You may endure new traumas like heartbreak and grief.

All of these situations provide a pathway to the most satisfying growth and relationships because they bring up what is unhealed within you.

It gives you a second chance to relive old pain,

But in a way that ends up in repair and unconditional love instead.

On the other hand,

You may be getting into polyamory in a way that's unhealthy for you and those around you.

If you're practicing polyamory as a way to avoid issues in your current relationships,

Especially the one with yourself,

Then it is likely that you are dating multiple people as a trauma response and a way to avoid pain.

In order to distinguish and make sure that you're practicing polyamory for the right reasons,

Let's dive into the three signs that this could be the right choice for you.

Number one,

You want to be challenged to heal more deeply as an individual.

You understand the challenges that polyamory has to offer and you don't take them lightly.

You see each relationship obstacle as an opportunity to learn something deeper about yourself and heal unresolved wounds.

You're aware that when you experience very difficult emotions or situations through poly relationships,

They serve as pathways that lead to an even more healed and evolved version of you.

You may be afraid of the interpersonal and internal challenges you'll face in polyamory and you may want to give up sometimes,

But ultimately you know that this is exactly why you chose this life and you can't wait to see how much you grow once you work through each hardship.

Number two,

You want to become even closer with your partner.

While your relationship with your current partner is healthy and strong,

You recognize that polyamory will expose parts of your relationship that need improvement.

You've discussed with your partner the potential risks of being poly that could challenge your connection or commitment to each other.

You've taken the time to talk through many of these potential obstacles and have come up with a general idea of how you'll approach them together.

You have an overall commitment to approaching and navigating your open relationship as a team.

If you are having serious issues in your current relationship,

You recognize that being poly is not a cure for these issues.

You're really aware that becoming open or poly could accelerate the downfall of your relationship if you are not careful.

And if you resonate with this,

You may want to consider becoming poly with the close and professional support of a therapist.

The third sign is you recognize that something is missing in yourself or your relationship.

Relationship expert Esther Perel talks about how we couldn't possibly be our partner's everything.

If you feel that there's an emotional,

Physical,

Or sexual aspect missing from your relationship,

Well,

That's normal.

You may be inclined to explore polyamory to get more needs met by other partners.

And while this is a completely common and valid reason,

It's important to make sure you're not becoming poly to fill a deeper void inside of you or your relationship.

Because when you rely on something external to fill something inside of you or your relationship,

It inevitably creates relationship problems and disappointment.

We can look to additional relationships to compound love and joy we already feel within.

But if we feel empty or deeply unhappy without these partners,

There's probably a deeper issue inside of us that is important to heal.

This doesn't mean you have to wait until you're completely happy with yourself to seek additional relationships,

But it is crucial to be careful not to expect or rely on partners to fill a void for you.

But otherwise,

Being poly,

New partners can increase sexual satisfaction and enjoyment after having sex with the same partner for a long time.

You may start to date someone who enjoys physical intimacy in a way that your current partner doesn't,

And a long-term secondary partner can provide you a sense of having more reliable,

Secure people in your life to count on during emotional hardships.

There are so many benefits to having additional partners,

As well as challenges,

Of course.

But in regards to feeling a missing piece within yourself,

Polyamory can also fulfill some of your individual needs.

Maybe you've been swept away in serious adult responsibility for way too long and you want to reignite a sense of freedom and play in your life.

You can absolutely experience that through poly dating and social events.

The permission to talk,

Flirt with,

And date whoever you want can be highly liberating in itself.

Just remember that polyamory can help facilitate these feelings you're craving and should not be a cure-all for them.

Ultimately,

The feelings that you're searching for are created and experienced inside of you.

Relationships,

Play parties,

Social mixers,

And all these other events that are related,

They can be the gateways to achieving these feelings.

And the fourth sign that you're doing poly for the right reasons is that you want a second chance to experience relationships in a way you weren't allowed to before.

Maybe due to upbringing,

Religion,

Culture,

And or socioeconomic status,

Many of us weren't allowed to experience relationships in the way we truly wanted in our earlier years.

Maybe you were taught that you must only date one person at a time,

But you always had this deep desire to date multiple people at once.

Maybe you wanted to take partners out on lavish dates,

But you could barely afford to buy clothes for yourself.

In my parents' strict Jewish upbringing,

I was not allowed to date anyone who wasn't Jewish.

So the lack of religious,

Cultural,

And ethnic variety in my dating history has left me curious and wanting to connect with many other kinds of people,

Spiritually,

Professionally,

Emotionally,

Physically,

And sexually.

And like many other women,

I also received constant messages that I would be shamed and judged if I slept around too much.

Because of this fear,

I held back for most of my single years.

I turned down opportunities for fear of ridicule,

Judgment,

And being ostracized.

Even as I toned down my desires,

I was still called names for flirting with and dating a variety of men in my younger adult years.

If you have a similar story,

You may feel like you missed out on some crucial developmental milestones in your romantic or sexual life.

Being poly can be your time to reclaim that part of your life without so much fear or shame.

And lastly,

The fifth sign that you are doing polyamory for the right reasons is that polyamory aligns with who you are.

You have an inner knowing and deep intuitive sense that polyamory is not a choice,

But it is who you are.

Monogamy never felt quite right to you,

And for as long as you can remember,

You wanted to date multiple people at the same time,

And it felt wrong to commit to just one partner.

Maybe you've only recently discovered the term polyamory,

But now that you have,

It's like this is what I've been practicing and identifying with all along,

I just didn't know the word for it.

And it feels like a huge relief to discover that there actually is a term for it.

Following your authentic desire and inner knowing to be poly feels like living your true calling.

It might be scary to hear what other people think or how they might reject your way of being,

But ultimately you have no doubt that this is exactly who you are.

So did you resonate with any one or more of those five signs?

It's okay if you only resonated with one of them.

I think one of those reasons or one of those signs is more than enough to feel that becoming polyamorous is right for you.

It is such a brave step.

It is such a full journey of rewards and challenges.

So if you resonate with any of those signs and it feels right for you,

This might be your sign.

And if you want more guidance on how to approach E&M and polyamory in a healthy,

Embodied,

And conscious way where you can experience the most potential healing and growth within yourself and have such deeply satisfying relationships,

Even through the inevitable conflict that's going to come up,

I'd like to invite you to come take my course on Insight Timer.

The course is called Ethical Non-Monogamy,

Polyamory,

And Open Relationships,

A Healthy Approach.

You can simply go to my profile,

Look under the courses tab,

And you'll find the course there.

So I hope to see you in there,

And I'm wishing you lots of love and luck on your journey.

Reviews

Great summary and intro.. excited to take the course to re learn many concepts

I really resonated with the last reason…I may need to take your course!

Thank you for sharing and explaining this essential topic. This could be my sign. 😊