When I think about the world and the 8 billion people who live in the world,
I don't think my life is more important than the life of any other one of those people.
To me,
Every single human life matters exactly the same.
There is no life that matters more than another life.
This is my approach to compassion,
That I cherish life and I cherish being alive.
I cherish it for myself.
I cherish it for my loved ones,
Those close to me.
I cherish it for those in my community who I see and I know.
But all of us have in common that we are human,
All those people I've mentioned.
We're all sharing in being human and my cherishing of those particular people doesn't make those people more important in the world than every other loved person,
Every other person who lives in community,
Every other person who lives on this planet.
That is what compassion says,
That every person is worthy of being happy and not being in suffering and that every person is worthy of being blessed by that wish,
The wish to be happy and healthy and not suffering.
So when we talk about self-compassion,
We are saying not only does no other person matter less than me,
But that I myself do not matter less than any other person.
Do you see?
We matter equally.
I'm a person,
You're a person.
We're just like every other human.
I too am cherishable.
My life matters,
My happiness,
My health,
My desire not to suffer.
Those are held in the same esteem as I hold for others.
So many people will say that they can think of being compassionate towards others,
But when you put that word self in front of compassion,
It becomes edgy.
And that's something that happens through learning.
We learn that self-compassion has an edge to it,
That it's different from compassion.
It's not something that's true.
It's not true.
That's something programmed into us or handed down to us,
A negative connotation to self-compassion that's given perhaps when we're very young and we're told to think of others before ourselves,
To suck up our pain,
To push through it,
To not make a fuss,
To not be selfish.
Being self-compassionate has nothing to do with selfishness.
And if we replace the word self with the word inner and say,
I have inner compassion,
That can make it much less problematic.
And it also points us to what compassion really needs.
It needs to be an inside feeling and one we know well,
In order to be offered really fully to others,
To our planet,
To everything that's worthy of care.
Compassion isn't separate from self-compassion or inner compassion.
It's all compassion.
It's one and the same thing.
It's the desire for humans not to suffer.
It's the impulse to care where there is suffering and to be active in that caring,
To really supply that caring in some way.
There's even a part of our brain that lights up when we're in compassion.
There's an area of our brain that is responsible for a felt sense of compassion.
And it's the part of our brain that is responsible for motor actions,
For things happening.
So it's not just that we have a feeling of caring.
There's also an impulse to take action on that caring.
So it's very powerful.
It's widened to us.
And there's no difference between inner and outer compassion.
It's this felt sense of not wishing suffering.
That's exactly what inner compassion or self-compassion is.
It's a desire I have not to suffer.
You have that desire to not to suffer.
It's a caring I have about wanting to be happy and healthy.
You have that caring too.
You,
I'm sure,
Would like to be happy and healthy.
That's not something we usually turn down.
And it's something I can actively offer myself where I can greatly have impact in reducing my own suffering and increasing my health and happiness.
We are offered many,
Many tools for self-compassion.
And I'm sure you come here to find them.
And you'll find many in my library.
But one of the things that we first have to do is see where we're resisting it.
And we have to understand that compassion flows in all directions,
Inwards,
Outwards,
Around the whole planet.
And that's what's beautiful about it.
And it begins from within.
It doesn't distinguish or discriminate between people,
Including ourselves.
So when you see or feel,
I don't know if I can do self-compassion,
It feels unethical in some way,
Like a bad moral choice,
Or something I'm not capable of.
What you're saying is that you're having to abandon yourself if you're going to be able to care for others.
But that's not how caring works.
Caring means taking yourself into consideration,
Into equal consideration with others.
So we're all equal.
No one needs to be left out.
Compassion isn't limited.
It doesn't run out.
It's not a limited resource.
So no one needs to be left out.
Of course you can care for yourself and care for others.
And what we do know is the more we care for ourselves,
The more available we are to others.
And the less we care for ourselves,
The less available we are.
And there are simple examples of this.
So when we are in self-compassion and compassion is seeing our suffering,
We might be feeling fatigued or overtired,
Maybe stressed.
Compassion is the part of us that says,
I'm just going to look after myself through this.
I think I'll go to bed early.
I'm going to cancel a couple of things or postpone them that are on my schedule.
I'm a bit overloaded.
I recognize there's some pain there.
It's burning me out.
It's making me cranky.
I'm going to run myself a bath.
I'm going to watch a good show,
You know,
Because then I'll go to bed early.
I'll have a good night's sleep.
And a couple of days later,
Maybe even the next day,
I'll feel much better in my body.
And I'll feel more patient.
I'll just be a nicer person.
And that's healthy.
To feel those things means you've got much more energy and good energy to give,
To pay attention,
To see who needs a smile from you today.
And you're much more patient with others.
You have time for them instead of being snappy and cranky.
So you're able to offer much more genuine attention to others.
And you're not getting into a car,
For example,
Feeling overwrought because you haven't taken care of your feelings of stress or fatigue,
And you're distracted,
And you cause an accident where other people get hurt.
That's a direct consequence of not offering yourself that self-caring,
That self-compassion,
That tending to your own needs.
It starts with inner.
When I learn to soften towards myself and to allow myself to step in and meet my struggles with kindness,
Instead of ignoring them or telling them,
They just got to suck it up buttercup,
Yeah?
Yes,
When I learned to do that,
I did feel a little more vulnerable,
But in a good way.
That vulnerability softened me.
And I looked at the world through a softer gaze,
Through more loving eyes.
That vulnerability softened me into my own care and into caring.
I learned more about caring by caring for myself.
I could feel how much caring mattered to me,
How much it made a difference to me positively.
And when I felt that,
I began to see the level of some of my struggles.
I really managed to honestly acknowledge them,
And they wanted to be seen and acknowledged.
And that meant when I looked at others in the world,
Instead of taking things at face value or looking away because I didn't have time,
I was in a rush,
Or I had my own head down with my own worries ruminating,
Instead of doing that because I'd cared for those things,
I had much more empathy and more patience.
And I had all the things that I'd learned to offer myself and was benefiting from.
Because you see,
We can fool ourselves that we can be very brilliant at compassion to others and not have a bar of it within ourselves.
But it's not true.
That's a lie we tell ourselves,
That we're good at caring for others and not good at caring for ourselves.
We might be good at caring,
It's not the same thing as being compassionate.
We don't have enough to give if we don't have it already generated inside of us.
And compassion isn't something that's just giving,
Giving,
Giving and looking outward,
Where can I give?
It's a felt sense.
And it's an agreement that where there's hurt or pain or suffering,
There's compassion.
We step in,
In some way.
We step in with kindness.
We listen,
We don't judge.
We just hold each other's hands.
And in the same way in inner compassion,
That's what we do when we're struggling.
When we have a need,
We step in,
We listen,
We recognize,
We don't judge.
And with our common humanity,
We hold our own hand.
And we say,
How can I support you?
And it's that simple.
Because actually,
It is a self responsibility to support ourselves.
To look after our own health and energy.
We've been given a gift of life.
And it's a self responsibility to look after that gift.
And when people are saying that they're so available to others and not themselves,
They're conflating compassion with people pleasing often.
They're really saying,
I can't rest until I feel validated by pleasing other people and being there for others.
That's how I show up to be a good person,
To feel like I'm a good person,
Or to be appreciated,
Or to be not afraid of letting someone down.
That's very fear based,
And very externalizing.
And it's not real caring.
It's taking a very roundabout route to feel any goodness within yourself.
You don't need to do that roundaboutness to feel good.
Your self-compassion will do that for you.
This is a time in the world where there's so much suffering.
Suffering that people will never meet.
Strangers are suffering,
Who are equal to us,
In wanting not to suffer and to be happy and healthy.
This is a time when we really need to focus on the power of compassion.
And we really need to take this inner compassion seriously.
Self-compassion isn't a fluffy extra thing.
It's not a luxury.
It's completely available.
And it's essential.
And data shows it produces really important positive benefits for our thriving.
Not just for us,
Who are receiving compassion,
But for everyone around us,
And even those strangers.
So set yourself the task of dropping the false connection,
The false label that connects self-compassion with selfishness.
Set yourself the task of dropping the idea that you don't matter as much as everyone else.
Sure,
There's healing work to be done there.
And you know that.
You probably know where some of those beliefs came from.
But they're not true.
They've been learned,
Probably through some suffering.
Real suffering.
So the healing comes when you shift from being driven by the belief you don't matter to be motivated by the belief,
The truth,
That all life matters,
Including yours.
