So I didn't sleep much last night.
I woke up super early and every time I tried to fall back asleep my mind just would not settle.
And so at one point I ended up crying for a while,
Not because anything had actually happened,
But because I finally had clarity.
When you actually start interrupting a pattern it doesn't necessarily feel like relief,
Unfortunately.
It feels like you just open something up,
Something really deep,
And like you touch something that's been sitting there for probably a really long time.
And now you brought it to the surface and this is something that we often do not hear talked about,
At least not enough.
We talk about the awareness,
We talk about the boundaries,
We talk about the clarity,
But now what happens after?
Not the part where it hurts,
Not the part where you want to go back,
Not because it was even good for you,
But because it felt familiar,
Even a little like home.
And there's this moment where you realize that you can't unsee it anymore,
And that's where I was last night.
I didn't fix it,
I didn't figure it all out,
I just stayed with it without going back into the pattern to make it stop.
And honestly that might be the biggest shift.
This is actually the part that I've been building something around,
Learning how to stay with those moments instead of going back into the pattern.
