Hello,
Beautiful human.
Welcome to my home.
If you haven't got yourself a nice cup of tea or coffee or a glass of wine or whatever it is you want,
Go and grab yourself a nice drink,
Because then it's going to really feel like we're sitting opposite each other and connecting to each other.
Now,
I wanted to have a conversation today about when you feel guilty about choosing yourself,
Because this one was Huge for me.
I mean,
I think choosing myself and the guilt and shame that went with that was the hardest part of my self-healing journey,
But it was the most important part because until I found the courage to put myself first and my own needs first and my nervous system first,
My life didn't fall into place.
It just didn't.
And Slowly,
But surely I had to put down Boundaries with the people in my life who were not to blame I don't believe in pointing fingers and blaming people if you're doing that Right when you point and go it's not my fault.
It was them my childhood the trauma It's when you point there are three fingers pointing back in your direction Which means don't waste your time looking out there.
It's not going to change anything Go inside yourself.
Forget about them.
What you need to work on is the guilt and shame you feel when you want to choose yourself and do what's right for you.
Now,
This and with everything I ever teach,
Perfection and extremities are not allowed.
What I mean by that is,
If you're choosing yourself,
It doesn't mean,
Right,
I'm cutting this person and this person and this person out my life.
To them again because I'm choosing me.
If you can do that and you want to do that,
Excellent.
I don't advise on this self-healing journey that you jump straight there because I think everything is a journey and a discovery and a learning and an evolution and we have to tread carefully in respect and reverence of our nervous system and our heart.
You know,
Stepping away from toxicity makes you feel like you're alone,
But that's the transition period because when you start choosing yourself and not clinging on to other people for what you need like validation and unconditional love and security and belonging.
When you choose yourself there's this in-between period where you no longer look for what you need outside yourself because you're choosing yourself but you haven't yet worked out how exactly to do that and for it to make you feel like you've got everything you need.
That's part of the journey.
It's like a hero's journey.
There's that bit in between that is uncomfortable,
A little bit treacherous,
Unknown.
And most people stay the same and keep choosing everyone else before themselves because the comfort zone tells you it's safer.
Just stay where you are.
You know this,
You've got them.
Sure,
It's dysfunctional and it's toxic,
But you've got them,
Which is literally what,
Around in my head over and over again my whole life while I was surrounding myself by narcissistic people.
Now,
When I call somebody a narcissist,
I'm not going,
Oh,
It's your fault you're a narcissist.
Narcissism is a disorder.
It's an illness.
It's a dis-ease.
They're not evil,
Sadistic people.
They're lost people in their pain.
I think we need to have more compassion for that because I truly believe they know not what they do because they are so lost inside themselves and carrying so much pain inside themselves.
Again,
It's not about them,
It's about you.
It's about choosing yourself.
And when the guilt and the shame comes,
Because at the beginning it's going to come,
Obviously,
If you've been people pleasing or bending yourself out of shape or shrinking yourself for someone else for years,
Maybe your whole life,
When you stop doing it,
You're going to feel a lot.
That doesn't mean it's wrong or that you're bad or that you've done anything wrong.
Here for them.
You're here for you.
You don't know if you're coming back.
I mean,
We talk about reincarnation,
But we don't know.
So make this it.
This is it.
The Willy Wonka magical adventure right now.
I had to do the hardest thing in my life,
Which I will grieve for the rest of my life.
And that's OK,
Because the grief I feel about my decision actually is my conscious conscience,
Because if I had the choice,
I wouldn't have stepped away from certain family members.
I have no contact on most of my family.
Do I want to?
No.
Would I love to have a loving family?
Yes.
And actually,
I'm now creating one of my own choice.
Soul family.
When I resonate with somebody who makes my nervous system feel safe and who respects me and uplifts me,
I'm like,
That's the kind of person I want in my life.
Not somebody that constantly knocks me down and tells me I'm not good enough.
I choose me and I choose people that choose me.
And for,
Uh,
I'd say a good few months,
Maybe a year,
I carried guilt and shame with me,
But I wasn't going to make that guilt and shame.
And I did,
Let's be honest.
Sorry.
I went back how many times because of the guilt and shame,
Because also narcissists know how to manipulate you too.
So I kept going back and I kept going back and my inner child kept going,
Why are you doing this to me?
My nervous system was like,
What are you doing this for?
And I just kept doing it.
And then I did the hardest thing in my life and I literally made a no contact.
And guess what happened?
Everything.
Everything started to flow into place.
My work,
My confidence,
My self-worth,
My relationships,
Everything around me because I wasn't in that energy anymore.
Because here's the thing about choosing yourself.
And I think this is what most people forget.
Everything is energy.
Everything in the world is energy,
Whether it's a table or a cup of coffee or the cup or me.
It doesn't matter.
Everything is energy.
And if something's energy is low frequency,
It's going to make your energy low frequency.
I know this sounds hippie as shit.
I get it.
But when I am around certain people,
I can't even create.
It blocks me up.
It's just that energy.
So I need to choose myself.
I don't do it rudely.
I don't do it unkindly.
Step outside any situation now if my nervous system and my inner child are like,
Now mate,
This isn't good for us,
Why are you doing this?
I do things that feed me,
Feed my soul,
Calm my nervous system,
Bring joy to my inner child.
Do you get what I'm saying?
So if you're making decisions at the moment,
Choosing yourself,
Trying to choose yourself imperfectly,
Little by little in ways that work for you,
Please,
If you're feeling the guilt shame,
That's okay.
If you're feeling bad about it,
That's okay.
Just be there for yourself while you feel those.
You know,
When the guilt and the shame comes up or the sadness or the grief that you're choosing yourself,
And it doesn't have to be as extreme as leaving a relationship,
It could just be a friend asking you to do something and you say no.
You don't even have to give an explanation for your no's.
Did you know that?
You're allowed to choose yourself and just say no.
No,
Do I flinch?
No,
Because I choose myself.
I'm not doing it to hurt you.
I'm doing it not to hurt me.
Whatever level it is of choosing yourself,
Whatever comes up,
Don't necessarily presume that as a sign that you are doing something wrong.
And because it's uncomfortable,
Don't go back to the stuff that's not serving your greatest good.
Just hold yourself through it.
You know,
I grieve my family a lot and I let myself cry and I let myself feel it,
I also say to myself,
I am so proud of you because that was the bravest thing you've ever done and you can't argue with the outcome and the consequences.
I can't.
And I think on that subject of choosing yourself,
I think that's all I've got to say about that for now.
So wherever you are around the world,
I hope you're having a beautiful existence and I hope you're learning to choose yourself a little bit more every day.
Sending you lots and lots and oodles and doodles of love.
Bye!
