Letting Your Feelings Come And Go

In this dharma talk, we explore how quickly feelings turn into stories about who we are.

A moment of anxiety, sadness, or irritation becomes, “What does this say about me?” While we resist feeling the unpleasant feelings, the hook is what we think the feeling means about who we are. And yet, feelings are just coming and going all day. What if they didn't really mean anything about you? How would you hold your feelings differently?

This track is from a Live Event on Insight Timer.

Transcript

We're going to start with a poem by Rumi. Probably a poem that many of you are familiar with, But it's going to be the anchor for our Dharma talk. Hi Bob, Welcome. This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival, A joy, A depression, A meanness. Some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all. Even if they are a crowd of sorrows who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture. Still treat each guest honorably. They may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, The shame, The malice, Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whatever comes because each has been sent as a guide from above, Excuse me, As a guide from beyond. So I think often when we hear these words from Rumi, These beautiful words, It sounds really good, It feels really good to hear this, Almost as though it's giving us permission. Welcome them all. Be open to whatever feelings are arising. Let them in. And we can also feel good because we kind of imagine ourselves then in the future being the one that's going to be feeling our feelings. So that feels good. But then our feelings change. And now the true relationship of what we have with our feelings becomes very apparent because we have this reflexive pushback on any unpleasant feelings that are arising. We don't trust them. We don't trust to let them in, Like guests just passing through. In fact, We fear that if we were to let our feelings in, That the pain would be so intense that it would overwhelm us and they would never leave. But even in our moments where we've had deep grief, Deep sadness, Deep feelings of not being enough, Even in our darkest moments, Has any of our feelings ever stayed? No. They come and they go. And yet we still resist them. Because it's not just the feelings that we are resisting. It's what the feelings are saying about who we are. So when these feelings arise, And whether it's a pleasant feeling or an unpleasant feeling, There's always this immediate reaction to make a story about this feeling. And as the mind's making the story, It's making an identity out of it, Out of the story, Out of the feeling. An identity that we take to be true, That we believe that that must be who I am. So when an unpleasant feeling arises, A feeling of unworthiness, A disappointment, A feeling of resentment, The immediate reaction is, What does this feeling say about me? So we think, Well, I'm having this bad feeling. I'm having this sense of fear. I must be a bad person. I must be a loser. I must be a failure. Something must be wrong with me. And particularly when we start to put that feeling through an image that we already have of ourselves, Maybe the image as a spiritual practitioner. I know I'm not supposed to be having these thoughts and feelings anymore. Something's wrong. I'm failing at this too. So it's not just the resisting of unpleasant feelings. I mean, That's there. We don't like that. But it's what the feelings seem to say about who we are. And it happens so fast. It's so fast, You can't catch it. The feelings arise. The story is just, It's in there in a nanosecond, Right? The mind is giving it all this meaning. And at the center of the story now is a me that now has an identity that it doesn't want. And because we believe so much that our feelings are accurately reflecting who it is that we are, When I ask each of you to let go of the story and come in and feel the feelings, It feels even scarier to do that. Because it feels as though if I let go of this identity, Even though it's painful, That something worse is going to happen. And so we don't let go. Even though just a few minutes earlier, We weren't thinking about this at all. So, When we come in, When we bring our attention to what it is that we're feeling in this moment, We bring in mindfulness and breathe mindfully into what's here. And what we notice in the raw sensations, In the pressure, In the tightening, In the contraction, Right? We can feel all of it. But when we truly welcome our feelings, And we can say, Anger, It's okay, You're here. That's the guest that's here. That's the guest that's arriving. Sadness, It's okay, You're here. Embarrassment, It's okay, You're here. And when we do that, And we truly welcome the feelings that are here, Anchoring our attention in the body, In the sensations, What we find is that there was never a center here. There was never an owner of the experience. It's just sensations arising, And changing, And passing. No one at the center. And so, Even in the unpleasant sensations, The pressure, The tightening, The recognition of that, The realizing that, Can open us enough to even feel a sense of ease in the unpleasantness. A sense of calm, Because we're no longer pushing back on it. A sense of safety, Because there's no one that feels threatened anymore. And what arises in its place, When we welcome what's here, That we have the clarity, We have the wisdom, To be able to see if something, In fact, Does need our attention. Every now and then, A feeling is arising with a little message for us. Often not, But often, Or sometimes there can be a little message, Sure. And we can take that action, Not from the sense of, Oh my God, Me, The loser that needs to change something. Me, That my life is a mess, And I need to change something. But from the standpoint of, Oh, Something needs to happen. Yeah, I can take care of this, From a place of calm, From a sense of ease. Because the feelings are just coming and going. They're coming and going. So, When Rumi says, Every morning, A new arrival, An unexpected visitor, What he's pointing to, Is that we are not choosing what arrives. None of us knows what our next thought is going to be, What our next feeling, What our next emotion is going to be. And yet, The moment it arises, We make it mean something about ourselves. So, Perhaps the problem isn't what it is that's arising, But it's the meaning that we give it. And very often, The feelings that we're having in the body, They're just biology, Hormones, Neurochemistry changing. Sometimes we're a little tired. Sometimes we've got a lot of energy. Sometimes we're hungry. Sometimes we're sad. Sometimes we're angry. Sometimes we're satiated. Sometimes it's just these old patterns that are playing out in our bodies, Just kind of these reactive patterns that are still playing out, Just sensations in the body. But the mind keeps making every one of these feelings personal. And when that happens, It's no longer that something is appearing. It's that something is happening to me. And when it's happening to me, Now it becomes or it feels like a problem. So, When we look more closely and we use our practices, We use mindfulness, Self-compassion, Self-inquiry, What we start noticing every time we really come into our experience, It was not as personal as it seemed to be. Just feelings arising, Changing, And passing. Thoughts arising, Changing, And passing. So, When Rumi says these beautiful words, This being human as a guest house, Welcome all the visitors, Right? This isn't something we need to force. They're already arriving on their own. We're not choosing them. We're not controlling them. It's just to let them arise, To come in, Let them come and go, And staying anchored, Keeping our attention anchored in the body, In the sensations. We give them that space to come and go without making it about ourselves, Without suffering. Every time there's a little shift in our energy, Anytime there's a little shift in our feelings, We just notice, Ah, Another unexpected visitor. I've got room for you too. Come, Breathe, Feel it. It's not personal. They just come and they go. And this is how this being, How we be a good guest house, By letting these unexpected visitors come and go, Not making it about us. Yeah. It was never about us. It's just that thought arises and we so believe there's something behind that thought. But then we inquire and we see just sensations arising and changing. So we can take these words, These beautiful words from this Rumi poem, And not get lost in just the feeling of, Oh, How good is it going to feel, To just feel all my feelings, But to recognize, Well, It's just that I keep giving them too much meaning. And to have more trust in the practices that help us investigate what's really going on. To see for ourselves. And yeah, Kathy, I mean, That is the freedom. This is, The feelings come and all day long, Our feelings are changing. I mean, They're just, They're changing for a million different reasons. Our biology, Our, So everything that's happening in here, What's happening in the weather, What's happening, Whether we just got a ding on a text and what the words were that we read, Like all of these things kind of, And having these feelings that again, We're not going to get in front of. They're going to be arising, Right? But the more that we keep noticing, There is no one behind the feelings. There is no feeler behind the feelings. Just feelings arising and changing. And yeah, Ruth, When you're hungry, If you're feeling irritable, Right, We can take that as a cue. Oh yeah, I better go eat something. Yeah, Let me go eat something. We don't have to make it this big story, Right? Or we're feeling a little tired and we're feeling overwhelmed, Perhaps. Perhaps there's just too much going on. And we can recognize that, Like it comes in, The story's already starting, I'm overwhelmed, This is too much. Oh, We recognize it. Ah, Let's feel. Because even in the overwhelmed, When we acknowledge the overwhelmed and we can, And when we come in and feel that there is no one, No one, Not nothing, No one behind the feelings, But the feelings arising, Being felt, We're experiencing them. There's an experience of the feelings. But that's how we let them move through us. Oh, Right. There's a sense of overwhelmness here. Breathe and feel it. Yeah. What's the wise thing to do? Tell myself a story about how this shouldn't be happening. And if one more thing gets loaded on top of me, I'm going to melt down, Right? Pushing ourselves over the edge, Believing there's a one that's going to get pushed over the edge, Or the recognition, Ah, Here's the feelings, The overwhelmed feelings. There's a lot going on. Breathe, Feel what's here. Right? So they don't get stuck. So we let them come and go, And come and go. So Alice, You're saying the challenge is feeling the feelings without adding any story on top. Oh, But the talks have minimized. I'm glad. Because this is what the talks, It's the, It's the same message. Have you noticed in every single talk, I'm really giving the same message. The stories arise, The feeling, The feeling happens, The story arises. And then immediately, You know, We're in the feeling, And then we're in the feeling, Sorry, The feelings arising. The story is the claiming of those feelings as though it's happening to someone. That's what's always happening. This is the mistake that we make. This is why we spend so much time suffering. We believe that our thoughts are true, And that behind the thoughts that I'm feeling this, This is happening to me, Is a solid, Independent me that is really feeling this. And we keep saying it over and over and over, And we don't question the little one, You know, That me, We don't question, We just assume it's real. But our practices, Every time we hear it, And then hearing it, Yes, But in different ways, Ruth, Exactly. We're tackling the same problem, But we keep coming to it in different ways, Exposing all of the different ways that the separate self arises, Right, So that we can connect with and go, Oh, Yeah, I can see myself doing that. Oh, I can see that. I can see that. I can see that. Like, We're all recognizing it, Right? Why are we all recognizing? Because it's the same mental system that's the same pattern that's playing out. But then also, Why every time we investigate it, Why every time we investigate it, We don't find it. No one's coming up with it. None of us are finding it. And that's the freedom. That's the freedom, Kathy. It's the, Ah, Unpleasant feelings arising, Feelings of loneliness arising. Oh, Loneliness. Yeah, You're here. Yeah, Let me breathe, Give you some space. They're just arising and passing away. We, Our feelings, Our thoughts, Our feelings, Our emotions, Changing moment by moment, All day long, Constantly changing. Awakening is not the absence of feelings. It's the absence of an owner of those feelings. The seeing that there is no one behind those feelings. Because the moment you see that, The jig is up. The heist is over. Yeah. Wow. I was really believing I was in peril a minute ago. But here I am just sitting on my patio, Perfectly safe. Just old patterns playing out, Old patterns playing out. But it's always the same heist. It's always the same heist. So, So yeah, We bring these talks in, In different, Different ways, But we're pointing at the same thing again and again. We have mistaken who we think we are. We have mistaken ourselves to be a solid, Independent being. And that, That belief in a solid, Independent being only arises in our thoughts. It's the only way it arises. And in our thoughts, And in our thoughts, It has to be in relationship to something else. I'm getting what I want. I'm going to be so happy. I'm not getting what I want. I'm going to be so miserable. I'm getting these unpleasant feelings. I must be a loser. 10 minutes later, Oh, I got a text saying someone said I was great, Or I was invited to something. Oh, I'm amazing. Right? We're, We're, We're just like on this yo-yo. And even though it's just constantly shifting, Whatever it is that's appearing in that moment, We're like, Oh, No, That, That's it. Oh, Yeah, That's it. No, I'm the loser. Oh, I'm the unworthy one. No, I'm the good friend. I'm the bad friend. I'm the good teacher. I'm the bad teacher. I'm the good spiritual practitioner. I'm the bad spiritual practitioner. And really, The true messages don't get attached to either one. Don't get attached to the good, Good images either, Because they are the other side of the bad image. So we also want to be mindful. Like when you, When we said at the beginning here, Like, Oh, That good feeling, Right, A good feeling arises, We hear these beautiful words. Rumi is a wonderful non-dual teacher. Wonderful. So when we, When we hear these words, And the, And the way that he is so skilled in his, In the way that, In the poetry, In the poetic license that he takes to send these messages, It pierces something, It opens something. There's a good feeling. Don't get attached to it. That's already the message right there. Oh, There's a good feeling. Okay. And immediately, We go up into, Oh me, I'm going to be the one that doesn't feel, That allows all my feelings. It's going to be great. I can remember the first time I went to a Buddhist Dharma talk. So this is almost 30 years ago now. And the, And the talk, So my practice initially was in Tibetan Buddhism. And the talk was on the benefits of cherishing others. You'll know this, Philippa. And, And I'm hearing the talk, And I'm hearing this monk talk about how, How light we feel, How much better we feel when we don't think about ourselves, And when we're, When we're just thinking about others. And, And immediately, My little grasping mind went, This is amazing. I'm just, I'm not going to think about myself anymore. I'm going to be the one that just thinks about everyone else. This is going to be fantastic. I can say yes to everything. I can, I never have to say no to what someone needs from me or what they want from me. This is just going to be amazing. I'm going to be so light, And I'm going to be so free. And I think it lasted about 30 minutes outside the Dharma talk. Because that, That self-centeredness comes back so quickly. It comes back so quickly. And of course, I, It was the self-centeredness was the feeling of me that was going to be this new person. So we don't want to create an image on either side. If the good feelings are there, You, You, You've read some words, You're hearing a talk, Something's really inspiring you, Open to those feelings too. And just let them move through you. Right? Yeah. They arrived. You didn't, You didn't invite them. They arrived on their own. Enjoy the pleasant feelings, But don't get attached. Let them move through you. Yeah. Yeah, That was nice. And the more that we do that, The more that we do that, The less burdened we are. Because we don't have to live in fear when the feelings change, They're going to change. They always change. They always change. And if that image appears, Of yourself, Don't, Don't, That's okay too. Because it's just a habit. It just happens. Right? So fast. Right? It's so fast. You can't catch it. You can't catch it beforehand. It's so fast. Right? But through these talks and through our meditation practice and, And, And continuously pointing us in this direction, Then all of a sudden, Oh, Here it is. Something kind of, Oh, It arose, A seed arose from one of the talks. And it was right there. Oh, Here it is. Recognizing it, Allowing the feelings, Inquiring, Nurturing. And as I always strongly encourage coming in afterwards, To whom do those feelings belong? To whom do these feelings belong? To whom do these thoughts belong? So that every time we do that, Then when even the feeling, When the image arises, You've done it so many times, You've looked behind the curtain, You're like, Oh, There's nothing there. Oh, Is there still something there? And you look again, Nope, Nothing there. And then 10 minutes later, You, Is there something there? Nope, Still nothing there. And you keep looking and you keep looking. And eventually it's like the image will arise, Right? Because these, These thought habits and patterns, They're still going to happen for you. It does become less and less and less, But they'll still come. And then you just go, Oh, Wow, Look at that. Wow. Wow. To whom do those thoughts belong? And it's just a poof, Right? You just, You see it kind of as the, As the mental processing, The thought habit, The pattern. It's not you. It's not you because you've looked so many times behind the curtain. You've looked so many times. It's like you couldn't convince, It would be really hard. It would have to be a really compelling story to convince you there's someone behind the curtain. But in the moment of those feelings, And especially for some of you that are a little newer into your practice, It's unbelievably convincing. It's unbelievably convincing. We should have some humility around that, Some humbleness. It's unbelievably convincing. And in that moment, And I've said this before, Like this is where the faith part comes in. This is where the faith part comes in. Not something that people really want to talk about too much in Buddhism. I mean, It's there. The Buddha talked about it. We don't talk about it too much in Western practices or Western settings, But I have found the faith part has been a critical part of my path. Because in that moment, Even just reaching for your mindfulness practice, Even just reaching to, Can I just feel this? It feels like you're taking this massive leap across this huge chasm and it's like, I don't know if I'm going to make it. I mean, It feels that the fear and the belief that there's a me that's really experiencing something so terrifying is so real. And there's no reason, There's no logic in that moment that's going to talk you out of this fear. It's that step that all of a sudden the conditions arise because you've been coming to your sangha classes, To your live events, To you've been reading the books, You've been meditating, You've been practicing mindfulness and self-inquiry on a lot of the little things. And then when you need it in those big moments, When you got to really dig deep and like, I got to just take this leap of faith, Literally a leap of faith into the present moment. But there's such a fear that something will happen. I'll fall apart if I do that. But in fact, Just the opposite happens. We don't fall apart. There was no one to fall apart. But even that, We believe that. We believe that. So keep looking behind the curtain. Keep looking behind the curtain. Yeah, Those old patterns, They're entrenched, Ruth. They are entrenched. They're deep in our conditioning. They're deep in our culture. All of the media that comes at us is all to reinforce it. What we're doing is very radical in a way. I mean, We are stepping away from the herd. We are stepping away from the herd, The herd mentality. This is very radical. But they are just patterns. They're patterns. They're not solid. They're not real. They are patterns. They are deeply grooved patterns. Right? The more you walk down a particular pathway, Right? There's no weeds growing around it. There's no grass growing around it. There's, You know, It's a deeply grooved pathway and it's like a deeply grooved neural pathway, Right? If we react every time we get disappointed, Every time someone, We feel a perceived threat by someone and we go right to the same reaction. And we've done it a million times. Yeah. I mean, And it's fast. You're not going to catch it beforehand. It's already, The horse is already out of the barn. It's just how far does the horse get before you recognize it? Ah, Here it is. And on the little things, All those, That's why it's so important to catch all those little moments, Those little just, Oh, I'm so excited about this. And it's like, Oh, Okay. Feel the excitement. Yeah. Oh, Excitement arising. Yeah. Right. Oh, Wow. And we can just feel it and kind of have that sense of openness again in the excitement, Right? Because that also is another form of grasping, Right? So we've got to be mindful of it in any form that it's coming. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. There's some excitement. This is nice. Yeah. Things are, Things are looking good. Yeah. This feels good. This feels good in this moment. This feels good in this moment. Yeah. Let me just, Let me feel that. Oh, Let me give some space to that. Let me give some space, Some space. And then the excitement actually feels more pleasant as well. It feels more pleasant. And when it goes, Right? Yeah, It goes. No problem. And in fact, Ruth, You are 100% right. And Chris, I'm going to get back to your comment here in a minute because, And Randy, And I saw you, You come on as well, Randy. I'm going to get back to you guys's comments in a moment. But excitement and anxiety feel exactly the same in the body. They are both high arousal states. The heart rate's up, Our blood pressure's up. We feel a little sweaty, Right? It's just the story is different. With excitement, I'm looking forward to something. This is going to be great. This is going to be amazing. With anxiety, I'm not looking forward to this. This is going to be horrible. I don't want this. It's the story that changes it. But unchecked excitement, Grasping excitement actually does not feel good either. It's amazing how locked in we can get to the story and not even notice how bad we feel. I mean, We don't feel good. We do not feel good. On one level, We know that, But we're so believing the excitement and that now I'm going to be set for life right? There's no set for life. There's no set for life. Things are just constantly changing, Constantly changing. Spirituality, The spiritual path, Is not going to bring you to a landing place where the uncertainty is gone, Where you no longer experience ups and downs, You no longer have challenges. This is what our grasping mind thinks when we come to a spiritual path. Oh, I'm finally going to be awakened, Right? Because we imagine there's a me that's going to be awakened instead of just awakening. But we still, Oh, I'm going to be awakened and it's going to be so amazing and nothing's ever going to bother me anymore. And I'm never going to have difficult people in my life. They're only going to be pleasant. They're only going to say nice things to me because they're going to see how awakened I am, Right? We create a big image out of that. It's just the ego. It's just the ego. Awakening is seeing through that, Seeing through the illusion of separateness. That's a good one, Karma. Fantasy land. Yeah. The Zen saying, The bad news, You're in free fall. The good news is there's nowhere to land. There's nowhere to land. It's just always changing, Always changing. Yeah, And I'm going to come back to your practice to correct… actually, Sorry, Let me just come back to the top here. Because I do want to say hi to Abigail. Good to see you. Oh, And Randy. So, Randy, You actually inspired this talk as well. So, Because you had asked the question in the group page. And then, So because of that condition, Randy asking that, And then, And I thought, Oh, You know, I should do another talk on feelings, But let me approach it from another angle, Right? And then it was like, Oh, You know what poem would be really helpful for the guest house, Right? Because of a previous condition of hearing that. So, So Randy, You kind of started the ball on this. Thank you. And thanks, Susan. Thank you. Oh, Philippa, So you were going through something last night, And I'm glad, I'm glad to hear that you're doing better today. I'm glad, Glad to hear that. And thank you for your kind words, Philippa. And so, Abigail, I'm saying that it keeps going. A neighbor told you that you carry a lot of power. You're so busy thinking you're mentally ill, Physically sick, Broke alone, Yada, Yada, No. You weren't aware of the power, Which, I'm sorry, It keeps flipping, Keeps flipping back. Every time a new comment comes on, It comes back down again. Yeah, But Abigail, You and I have talked about this before, Like just being careful of the stories that we tell ourselves, Be careful of the stories, Be careful of the meaning that we give to the stories we tell ourselves. Yeah, And Philippa, You always have such, Such great words here when you're saying all phenomena just comes and goes like clouds in the sky. It does. Notice how we don't notice the sky. The sky that's always there for the phenomena to come and go in, Right? We always forget the sky. Okay, So Chris, And good to see you, Chris, Good to see you, But I'm sorry, So you're, You're struggling today, You weren't sure. Hang on, You weren't sure where to go. Oh, That you've been here before. Yeah, And of course, You and I have a, We have a little kite surfing connection, Even though we've never met in person. I know, I feel like we have this little connection. Yeah, And it's, It's not so much, Chris, It's not to override the stories, Right? That's what we kind of think, Like, I've got to come in and override this with logic. It's just right now for me, Right now, Let's do this. And we can all do this. Just come in and feel what's here. Breathe, Take a couple of deep breaths in the body. So just feel what's here in the body. Feel, If there's unpleasant stories, There's unpleasant feelings in the body. So feel what's here in the body right now. And really, We almost want to be like a scientist, Right? Like, Is there, Like, Is it, Is the feeling more intense in your chest or your abdomen? Is it, Can you, Is it a size? Is it long and thin or round or square? Is it sharp or dull? Is the pressure heavy? Is it light? The more that we really come into the raw physical sensations, The more that we give our attention to what's here. We can't be on the story at the same time that we're in the feelings, Especially when we're really exploring the feelings. We can't do both. So we come in and we feel what's here. And what you might notice is as you're kind of exploring the sensations, Maybe looking for the edges, The border, So you're saying a tight pressure in the abdomen, Feeling, So, So the, The feeling from all, I'm sorry, Dissociated from all your feelings and very numb, Nervous system shut down. Now that's starting to add on a little bit more. Okay. Let's stay in the feeling. There's a tightness, A tight pressure in the abdomen. Let's stay with that. As best you can, Take, Breathe a little more deeply into your abdomen. Just give some room for that pressure. Just give some room for it to exist. And even say to it, Or say to yourself, It's okay to feel this. It's okay to feel what's here. It's okay to feel whatever it is that's here in the body. So there's, There's pressure. And again, Maybe some, Maybe some numbness, Right? Some numbness in certain areas. But staying with the physical sensations more than a, I mean, It's so subtle the way we add on the story of, Oh, My nervous system is shut down. Your nervous system isn't, It, You just want to come in and feel. There's just, You want to get some access here to what's here. So just breathe and be with what's here. It's okay to feel what's here. Whatever you are feeling right now, Chris, Millions of people around the world are feeling the same thing. Whatever you are feeling is a normal human emotion, A normal human feeling. So as you breathe and you give it space and you say, It's okay to feel this, Whatever it is, Just, You can say unpleasant sensations. It's okay that you're here. You have my attention. It's okay that you're here. So we change our relationship to it by really encouraging it, Saying it's okay that it's here. Breathing and feeling it in the present moment, Bringing kindness and compassion to what's here. The story is going to create more disconnection, But the compassion, The self-compassion brings us closer to what's here. And it's unpleasant. There's some unpleasant sensations happening right now, But they want your attention. And so the kindest, Most compassionate thing you can do right now is give them space. Allow them to be here. It's okay to feel. So grief, That's what's here. Okay, So grief is what's here. All right. It's okay to feel grief. It's okay to feel it in the present moment. We can bear almost anything in the present moment. So feel the raw physical sensations of grief in the body and say to the grief, It's okay that you're here. I'm so sorry I haven't given you my attention, Grief. You have it now. As long as you need to be here, Grief, It's okay. It's okay. Because there's something happening. And this is how you feel and nurture what's here in the present moment. If a thought starts coming about how you're going to feel in the next moment, Just breathe, Take a deep breath again. Just feel what's here now. You can feel the grief in the present moment. You're not alone. You've got all your whole Sangha here with you. Probably many that are all, We're all feeling right now what's here. Maybe opening our hearts to your grief as well. As you open your heart to your grief, To the feelings, And even if it gets a little, We kind of get that kind of catch in our breath, Open to that. It's okay. The tears are flowing, Let the tears flow. Grief is a normal, Healthy human emotion. Something's gone. There's a loss. And in the grief is the love for whatever it is that's missing or whoever it is. And so we open to the whole thing. It's okay to feel grief. It's okay to feel what's here. Just doing your best to stay with what's here in each moment. Notice there's no center to the grief. It's energy. As Mari is saying here, It's like waves, Waves that are moving through you. Ride the waves. This is compassion. Tending to our hurts, To what we're going through. This is wisdom. This is the most, The kindest thing we can do for ourselves and what you're doing for yourself right now, Chris. Allowing yourself to feel grief. And as you breathe and you feel these waves of energy moving through you, The energy of grief, Maybe you can inquire, What else is in here? What else is here? Often, It's not just one emotion. In the beginning, We feel that sense of just being overwhelmed by our emotions, That sense of being shut down, Of just being dissociated. But as you've been able to come in and be with what's here, You noticed actually what's here is grief. And as you tend to the grief with kindness, With care, With an open heart, You can feel. So let's see, You're saying you haven't lost anyone, But you feel there's so much stripping of yourself happening and you're lost. And you are being very open and you're very vulnerable here. Okay, So aloneness. Okay, Great. Aloneness, Loneliness. Don't try and figure this out in the head. Let's come in and feel the loneliness. There's something else here, Right? It started out just two big emotions to feel. We got to grief. Now let's come to the loneliness and feel the loneliness and say to the loneliness, It's okay to be here. Just like you, Chris, Millions of people around the world right now are feeling loneliness. But be with the loneliness here, Open to it. It wants your attention. It wants your attention. You don't have to figure this out. It's to come in and give your attention to these feelings, To these unmet feelings that are here and maybe haven't had the space to come out because you didn't feel safe enough to bring them out. And sometimes we need that help of being with others and to help walk us through this. So you're here with the loneliness. Give it your full attention. Tell the loneliness, Oh, My sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I haven't given you my attention before. You have it now. Our attention is love. It's love. So giving your attention to the feelings of loneliness. They want your attention. Breathe into them, Give them space. It's okay to be here, Loneliness. As long as you need to be here, I'll be here with you. So you breathe and you feel it in this moment. And every now and then that thought's going to arise about how am I going to feel this in the next moment? Ah, I'm going to feel it in this moment. Feel it in this moment. And there's some beautiful comments coming into you, Chris, From Bob and Philippa and Lindsay and Julie and Abigail and Ruth and um, Yeah. And as Abigail's saying, I mean, Let's all, Every one of us has felt this before. All these nice people are in your life, Chris. This moment is happening. This moment is happening right now. But what really, What we're really saying, Well, We do want to have, It's nice to have good people in our lives. And we have this in our sanghas and on all the lives on Insight Time are such a beautiful community. But it's the, What we're really looking for is the kindness from ourselves. The kindness from ourselves, Because in our deepest, Darkest moments, It's 3am, Right? It's to bring that kindness to what it is that we're feeling in that moment, Allowing ourselves to be here with what's happening now, What's arising. And I think that's a great suggestion, Alice, Making an appointment with your grief. Yeah, That's a great suggestion. Before it becomes too overwhelming, Right? That you say, Okay, Noon is my appointment with grief. And you can sit down and you can really allow yourself to feel what's here. Right? So when it's not too overwhelming, When you're coming to it, That's a wonderful proactive practice. And that will help you then, Then for what is arising, When the grief is arising, And it's, It's not coming at its scheduled time, It's coming before. But the more time that you spend with it, The more that you feel what's here, The easier it gets. Yeah, And Marianne, Thanks for saying that. And Chris, Yeah, Reach out to me, Reach out to me, And we can connect where I can send you voice clips, Because those can be really helpful. Right? I do that with many of you, Gail, Pamela, Alice, Philippa, Barbara. And I genuinely mean that. You know, It's not just even emails, But you can just, Like I said, And I'll send voice clips. You know, Sometimes it's helpful to just get it out, That you can send me a voice clip, And just to get it out of your system, To say it, Right? Sometimes we need to vent, Sometimes, Pamela, That's what it's just been, You know, You just want to vent, You just want to say it. Right? But just to know that, And Julie, Yes, Of course, You and I have been as well. And, And the more that we can, You can know there's someone there, And you know, I'm here. Right? Because it can be. Yeah, It's, It's, First of all, You're not taking my time, And you're not being a burden. Not at all. We need to support each other. And when it's too much on your own, It's really important to acknowledge that, Hey, I need some help. It's a little bit too much for me right now. That's okay. Yeah. I don't charge for doing any of that on the, On the chats. I don't, So don't worry about anything like that. If anyone's concerned, Like, I don't charge for anything like that. Just, Just so you know, It's just, It genuinely uh, I think it's really helpful to just know, Uh, That there's someone there, That you can reach out at any time. Yes, Philippa, That is what love does, Isn't it? It supports and nurtures each other. It's not a burden. It's not a burden. I wouldn't offer it if it were a burden. It's not. It's, It's very wise to acknowledge when we need, When we can, Uh, When we need a helping hand, And take that support. I'm going to send, Because I have your email, Chris, I'm going to send you an email after this, And I'm going to send you my phone number so you can WhatsApp me. Yeah, And I know, I know your career, And, And, And I get that. I get that. So I'll reach out to you afterwards. Yeah, Alice, Yeah, Doesn't it? Grief softens when we know we aren't alone. It's, It's, The thing is with our feelings, Like as we tie into the feelings of, Of, Of the talk, Even what we were talking about, It makes us feel, I mean, The separate self always, It makes us feel so alone, So isolated, As though we are the only one it's happening to. You know, Which makes it even more stressful. It feels like, Oh, Something's wrong with me. Something's wrong with me. I'm feeling this. I'm feeling so alone. I'm feeling so overwhelmed. But, But you're not. There's, There's millions of people, First of all, Right now experiencing this. And it is that voice that keeps us in that sense of isolation and separateness and that something's wrong with us. But this is why coming in to feel what's here, To be with what's here, To be nurturing and kind to what's here, Because we're not denying what I'm saying. It's, It's not that, That nothing's, I'm not saying nothing's happening. Feelings are arising, And we want to be able to come to them, But we want to be able to come to them in a kind, In a way that heals, In a way that allows us to bring an open heart to what's here with compassion and kindness. And even just remembering we're not alone. When we say, Just like me, Millions of people around the world right now are feeling lonely, Are feeling isolated, Are feeling like they've messed their whole lives up. Yeah, Just like me, Millions of people around the world are feeling this. It does, Even that just starts to remind us this is a normal human experience. But the story is going to keep you trapped. You're not going to find a solution in the story. I'm not saying that there's not some actions that may need to happen, But the very first step is to come in and feel, To come in and feel what's here. To bring that kindness, To remember, You can even do this in tea, And I think with how we were talking last week as well, Like, You can remember in that moment, Like, My sangha's here with me. And maybe just try to remember some of the comments and the feelings that the people were sending their love and their support and reaching out, Right? And so the more that we can bring in that feeling of connection, Right? Because that's not the story of me. The story of me is isolation. The story of me is separateness. The story of me is there is something inherently broken in me. That's what it's always saying. There's something kind of inherently broken here. But when we remember, Oh no, Just like me, Millions of people are feeling this. And gosh, My sangha was really, They were there for me. They were there and they were friend requests going around and to know that you have support, Right? To keep opening up to what's really here, Because what's here in this moment is you were vulnerable enough to share of what was going on. And in the sharing, We're all here for you. That's what's happening. Because every one of us can relate to that. Every one of us has felt like this. And to be there for someone else when they're going through there, Through those difficult moments, Is an honor to be there to help another being through this. So as best you can to even just soak in the love that's here right now. You have a lot of nice people in your community. They don't have to be right in our next door neighbor, Right? But you have a lot of people here really caring about you. And it's also for us to bring that caring to ourselves, To our emotions, To our feelings. Oh, Sorry, To T that you can't see the comments. Sorry, And I'm sorry. So I need to say the comments to you T. Oh no to tell T to log out and log back in again. Oh thanks Philippa, Thank you. And so Chris you're saying this feels nice, It feels better, Good, Good. Look what tending to your feelings does. Yeah a little better, Maybe it's not, You know, It doesn't mean when we come into especially overwhelming feelings, Right? It doesn't mean that we bounce back to, Oh I feel great, But we feel better. Sometimes that's enough just to be able to breathe again, Right? And to acknowledge that yeah you're good at being there for other people, But not at being vulnerable and asking for help. You've always been the caretaker or the person there to lift others up or help them, But being broken inside and knowing that. And then you reached a capacity where you can't, Where it feels like an imposter. First of all, That caregiving for others was genuine, Was real, It's there. But often, Often this is a struggle. A lot of people are, They find it much more accessible to care for others than they do to care for themselves. And this is where your practice is and making sure that you know how to care for yourself. This is where the self-compassion is. It's much easier to care for others than it is to care for ourselves. Even when we're in the caregiving situation, Like we're Pamela and Janine and it's a couple of the others of you that I know that we're in caregiving situations, It's much easier to care for others than it is for ourselves. Right? And so we're learning, Yes. Yeah. And we do need this in this external direction, Absolutely. We need it. We need it. And I got to tell you, Just seeing all the messages, Like Denise just sending that message that she sent a friend request and thanking you for your vulnerability and openness, You doing this, Chris, Has really, You know, I don't know if you recognize how much you've touched how many hearts here right now. Just what we're all feeling. By one person putting up their hand and saying, Hey, I'm overwhelmed, It's too much. Right? It really opens something up in all of us. And it's important for us to see this in action. To see this like from time to time where we have a, You know, Something coming up on the sangha where it's like, Okay, Let's let's pause and just stay right with this. Because this isn't easy stuff to do on our own. It's not easy stuff to do on our own. Yeah. And so when the hand is being there, When the hand is being extended, You know, It's for, Yeah, Accept the hand, Accept the friend requests. Well, It is hard to be hurting publicly because we all want to put this image on, Right, Of that we're all so stoic and unaffected by things. Actually, I find it's the most courageous thing in the world. What you're doing right now, Chris, The most courageous thing in the world. You're not hiding behind anything. Yeah, When we can really just be honest at times and even say like, Yeah, Sometimes we feel like an imposter. Sometimes we feel like a fraud or failure. Like, It's okay to have those feelings, Right? It's also part of our conditioning of our culture. It really, It does so much to keep us in this state of unworthiness. Not through some nefarious design, But just this is the result. This is the result of it. Of self-centeredness, Of seeing ourselves as the center of the universe, Of greed and fear. And man, It's amazing when someone, You know, Is willing to say like, Hey, Phew, It was too much. It's too much. I'm not handling this. It's real. It's authentic. We all feel this way from time to time. But you're doing your best, Chris. You're doing your best. Just in each moment, Doing your best to be with what's here. And just, You know, Even those little moments of self-compassion. Oh, Sweetheart, This is tough. This is tough, Right? Petting yourself, Acknowledging this is tough. Like we were talking last week, T, Right? With your situation, Right? Yeah. Oh, This is tough. This is tough. Yeah. And self-compassion, It's bringing us into our experience. That's what it's allowing us to come into what's here, To the feelings. Yeah. And as Philippe is saying, Just some slow breathing, One breath at a time, One breath at a time. Just this moment, This moment. Yeah. And so, T, Yeah, You were feeling really overwhelmed. And you feel freer just knowing people are supportive and nonjudgmental. Also, Philippe, A good reminder for Chris, The breath. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The breath. Don't forget the breath. Just a deep breath. Just some mindful breathing, Being with what's here. Allowing what's here to move through you as it needs to, As it needs to. Yeah. Sigh is good, Philippe. Yeah. And sometimes just when we're feeling the breath and just hearing the sounds that are happening around you, Just allowing yourself to really be here with what's here. Be patient with yourself. Be kind. Be open to support when it's being offered. Be open to support when it's being offered. We really, Even just the spiritual path itself, We can't do this alone. We can't. We need help along the way. We need teachings. We need support. We need kindness and compassion. No one is doing this alone. Yeah. And Alice, As you're saying, It's not just sadness. It can be anger. It can be fear. It can be a million things in there. And this is why we always keep inquiring what else is here, What else is here, So that we're not feeling, We're not, We're welcoming each emotion at a time, Each feeling at a time. And just as a distinction, Because when I'm saying the difference between an emotion and a feeling, So a feeling is a raw sensation in the body, A physical sensation in the body. An emotion is that raw physical sensation plus the story that's layered on top of it. And this is why we want to come in and feel what's here. We can acknowledge what's here. We can say the anger is here. We can say the fear is here. The loneliness is here. The unworthiness is here. The not being enough is here, Without making it a story. But when we do that and come into the feelings, It allows us to access what's really here. And as we're here with maybe just in the beginning, We say it's just unpleasant sensations are here. And as we feel the unpleasant sensations and we breathe and we allow them to be here, And then we can inquire what else is here. And then you can go, Oh, Grief is here. Okay, Grief. And breathe and we say grief, It's okay that you're here, Feeling and allowing it to be here. We spend a few minutes with the grief and then we inquire what else is here. Oh, Loneliness. Loneliness is here too. Yeah, Oh, Loneliness. Oh, Loneliness, My love, Come here. There's room for you. And we breathe and we allow that. And then as we stay with that, Then it's like, What else is here? What else is here? So now we're able to kind of pull out each feeling individually and really tend to it in a way that really does allow it to move through us then. We're so habituated to pushing back on whatever it is that we're feeling. So habituated to it. And then there's only so much that we can, We're doing that for so long and eventually they come out and they explode. And then it becomes overwhelming. So the more that we can be with what's here, And especially if it's little feelings and emotions, Just little kind of, Oh, There's a little uncertainty. I'm not even sure why. Like sometimes we just get that little jolt of like, Oh, Something feels wrong. And of course, Then we go right out thinking, What's wrong? What's wrong in my life? Let me go through all my relationships. Let me think about work. Let me think about how much money I have in the bank. Let me think about my health until we land on something to match the feeling. Right? And so instead of doing that, Instead of sending out the kind of looking for a problem, We even just recognize, Oh, Wow, Just a little jolt, Just a little feeling uncertain right now. And we breathe mindfully and we feel it. It's okay to feel it. It's okay to be with it. Yeah. We just allow it to come and go. They come and go. Yeah. And that was Julie, When I was saying like, And listen to the sounds, I could hear them too. Yeah. The doves, Because they make a nice little coo sound. Yeah. And all of that, All of that is fantastic, Chris. You know, Some deep breathing, Some sighing, Some shaking, Some movement. Movement is always a good thing too, Being out in the garden. As long as it's not being done to avoid the feeling. Because as long as we're avoiding the feeling, It's going to keep coming back. And it's going to keep coming back bigger. So we can do all those things. Some physical movement is good, Especially if our nervous system really feels really agitated. And so we can do a little bit of movement and a little deep breathing. I mean, I wouldn't get into some hyperventilating things because I feel like that's just a way to try and avoid the feeling. So some deep breathing to come in and be with what's here and to feel what's here. If we want to get to the source of the suffering, We can't bypass the feelings. So all of these things are fantastic things to be doing. And what I would hope is that you're doing them to give you enough space to come in and feel, With what to feel what's here. Of mine, Maybe my top five things that I see on the spiritual path mistakes that people make. Probably pretty close up there to number one is avoiding feeling. Our feelings. Our practices should never be distracting us from feeling or trying to jump over the feeling. We can do them enough, Doing some deep breathing to or some movement, Again, Some movement, Some physical movement, Being out in nature, Looking up at the sky, Like all those things, As a way to give you enough room to step into what's here. And so yeah, If you're collapsed in the grass with your Labrador and just be with what's here, Just notice the feelings as they come in their waves, Right? Sometimes it becomes a little more intense again and then it backs off, Right? Oh, It's a little intense now. Okay, Let's feel this. Breathe into this, Be with this. And then it backs off a little bit. And it backs off because we're with it. We're with it. For sure gets worse, Philippa. The feelings don't go away. They don't go away. We're meant to feel. We feel things all day. Be careful. I mean, Coming into feeling what's here, Be careful of the making a meaning about what it says about me. So what are the thoughts or experience one goes through? As in, If we have to map it out, What does it sound like in your head? It sounds like this is happening to me. It sounds like I don't want this happening to me. It sounds like everyone else is living their best life, But look at me. What's going to happen to me? So there's a me, Me, Me, Me, Me. This is what it sounds like in our head, Right? This is what it sounds like. But the thoughts and the feelings, No one knows what their next thought is going to be. I don't know. I don't know how I'm going to feel in 60, 30 seconds, 10 seconds. I don't know how I'm going to feel. I have no idea. How can I claim them as mine? I have no idea. I have no idea. All of the thoughts that all of us are having, And why, Chris, So many of us can relate to what it is you're feeling, This is a common symptom in an egocentric culture. Feelings of loneliness, Feelings of being a fraud, Feelings of not being enough, Feelings of of resentment, Of judging others, Of comparing ourselves. Everyone's having the same thoughts, The same thoughts. We think, Oh no, They're my thoughts, And oh, I can't believe I had that thought. What a horrible thought. I can't believe I had that thought. I didn't know I was going to have that thought. It just arose. But so much of our thoughts, They're rooted in greed and fear, Chasing and resisting, Wanting, Not wanting. In the belief of a little me that's not getting what I want, Maybe he's getting what I don't want. Right? It's just this constant thinking about the way that we think about ourselves, That distorts our perception of who we are in this moment, That we believe, And then we get overwhelmed by the feelings. Now, The feelings are real. The feelings are real. They are happening. They are happening. But everyone's having these same, You know, Very similar experiences, Not all at the same time, But very, Very similar. And Julie, Thank you for the donation. Thank you. First of all, Congratulations on being sober for 23 years, Because that is pretty powerful. And I think what I would say is that, You know, Feeling anchored to these core beliefs, Because, And you're saying, Because it's so hard to come in and feel them. It's so hard to. And if we do recognize like we can't do it on our own, And depending upon how deep those feelings are, How wound up they are in, In past experiences. I mean, At that point, Too, That sometimes it's, It's often can be very appropriate to have some counseling with a therapist to really be there with you in person to walk you through feeling what's here. But every time one of these, These beliefs comes up of unworthiness of being broken, If you could even recognize that and come in and feel the unworthiness. Yeah, Unworthiness, You're here. So talking, But what about therapy that brings you into feeling what's here? I agree. There's a point to the talking where you kind of like, Okay, I've talked, Yeah, We've talked ourselves almost to the point where, In fact, The story can, It can almost become too, We can become too attached to it in the therapy. Yes, Ruth, Somatic therapy. Yeah, I would agree with that. Something that brings you into the feelings. Oh, You've done trauma therapy. You've done all of that. We should have a talk offline. Let's have a talk offline, Just not to say we can't discuss it here, But, Because there is some block about bringing you in here. And I feel like we could explore that to see what it is, Where the difficulty is. And bye, Bob. Good to see you. Yeah. Oh, No, No, Sorry. Not saying here, But I am just saying, Like, If you kind of check these boxes, In general, I do think, I think, First of all, It's just important that we recognize when we're, When we're struggling and we're not, And you're trying things, But maybe you didn't have the right, The right therapist, Right? Maybe it wasn't the right one. But I would suggest that the coming in and feeling what's here. I mean, I honestly can't think of something, Anything more powerful than that. I can't think of anything kinder to do for ourselves, Because we're just always, Feelings are just coming. They're just, They're arising. And, And if we don't know how to come in and be with them, Even if it's just the little slights, Right? The little, Oh, Did that person just, Did they just ignore me? Did they just cut me off? Was I excluded from that, Right? Just that little bit of like, Oh, Kind of that, That reaction that we have, Which, Which is very much ingrained in us. We're social creatures, We're meant to want to be part of the tribe. So we can have that kind of just feeling of, Oh, Did they, Did, Did my boss not look happy when I brought up something or, Right? Just how quickly we just turn everything into stories. And, And to acknowledge that, To just even be like, Oh, Wow. Yeah, There's a little bit of uncertainty there. There's a little bit of, A little bit of feeling slighted, A little bit of feeling excluded. Oh, Wow. Yeah. Let me be with that. Ooh. Right? Because if we let the feeling, The emotion of feeling excluded, Take hold, It'll balloon and it'll start picking up all sorts of evidence for other things that are wrong in our lives, Right? Where we start to skew everything in one direction. It's like, We become a lawyer trying to make a case for one side and we're going to exclude any argument that doesn't support our case. And we just go with it. So the more that we can be with those feelings, Like noticing it, Oh yeah, There's something a little off, Right? This is what, This is why the practice of meditation is so helpful. This is why it's so helpful because it helps us to get more in touch with when there's a change, Right? That's the salient network in our brain. When we're noticing our mind has wandered, Our attention has wandered and we're bringing it back, Right? It's that noticing something's changed. And the more that we do that, The more that we become aware of it, The more that we become mindful of it when we're outside of our meditation practice. So this is why I do encourage for everyone making sure you have a morning meditation practice, A foundation meditation practice, Not jumping from one practice to the next, Right? But a foundation practice, Not saying not to, You can only do the one thing because I think we want a foundation practice, We want to add in compassion practices, Maybe some death practices. You know, There's other things that we add as we go through our spiritual path, Right? And I strongly encourage using the mantras in our meditation, The seven mantras that we've been using because that helps us to catch these things when we're going about our day. And again, Just those little moments, Those little bit just, I think I was exclusion, I think that person was rude to me and how quickly, We don't even acknowledge that feeling. We don't even acknowledge that. It's like, We'll come in and feel that there's something here that feels excluded. And it's probably being magnified because maybe I felt like that when I was five years old, Or when I was eight years old, And when I was 12 years old, And when I was 13 years old, And 14 years old, And all those times that I felt left out, But never tended to the feelings because of course, As a child, We're not really told how to do this, We're not taught how to be with it. But as an adult, We continue with that same behavior. So even just those little moments, It's like, Oh, Yeah, Let me tend to that feeling. Yeah, That hurt. Of course, It should hurt. We're humans. We're not trying to turn into psychopaths. Right? Yeah, It should hurt. But to tend to it so that we don't make some image around it. And intending to it that we can feel just yeah, That felt like I was a little excluded. Yeah, That kind of hurt. Let me welcome that hurt in. Let me welcome in that sense of being left out. Yeah, Because that hurts. And breathe and feel it and allow it to be here. And the more that we do that, The more that we find there's no center to the hurt. It's just a feeling it's coming and going. It's just coming and going. Maybe there's something to do, Maybe there's not, But we feel whole again. But anytime we're getting lost up in that story, A key part of quality, I guess we'll say, Of the thought created me, The self, The separate self, The ego, I mean, All of these things I'm kind of saying is the same thing, Is that there's always that sense of lack. And that sense of separateness, Of course. And that sense that something's really fundamentally wrong with me. Oh, They saw it, They must have seen the real me. Oh, Shoot, They saw the real me. Instead of just like, Oh, Let me feel it. It's like, Oh, No, There's something really broken and they know it, They see it. Because there's so many people walking around with this fraud feeling, This imposter feeling. Because we're many things, We're not one thing. We're many things. We're never one thing. But we always land on that, Oh, Not enough, Unworthy. Because that's, Again, The lack, The sense I'm not enough, I'm not worthy. All of that is part of how we perceive ourselves in our thoughts. There was a story, I'd heard this a long time ago. Yeah, Michelle conditioning. Yeah, Oh, Felix, I'm glad, Glad to hear this is resonating. Yeah, And T, We're not the odd one out. We're not the odd one out. We're just willing to talk about it here. Yeah. And yeah, Chris, We're all naked here when we're being honest, When we're being honest. This stuff doesn't go away in darkness. That's how it thrives. Right? We want to bring it up into awareness, And then bring compassion to it. So there was this story, I'd heard this years ago. I can't remember how this happened. If it was in a newspaper article, I'd heard someone else tell the story. Where they had set up this experiment in New York City at a subway station. And as people were coming off the subway station, There was someone standing there with like a clipboard. And they would just look at each person and they would go, You're in, You're in, You're out, You're out, You're in, You're out, You're in, You're out. And they're just saying this all around, You're in, You're out. And I think there was some kind of maybe, If they're wearing blue, They get a you're in, If you're they're wearing black, You got a you're out. So that when they got to the escalators to come out of the subway station, Then someone stopped to ask, They're like, How are you feeling right now? And everyone that was told that they're out was feeling really badly. And everyone that was told they were in was feeling really good. Now, There was no basis for this whatsoever. You're in, You're out. No meaning in it at all. But look how quickly people took it as just someone, Some random stranger, Pointing at us and saying, You're out. And we think, Oh, They must see the real me. They must see the loser me, They must see the me that's laying on the sofa, Eating potato chips, Being lazy, You know, That makes mistakes, It's done, They've seen every screw up I've ever done in my life. Yep, They must see the real me. Every one of us has this, This little part of us, This little part of us that just feels Oh, Something just a little wrong with me. Right? Something just a little wrong. And what I'm suggesting you do is acknowledge that part of you. It wants to be seen, It wants to be heard, It wants to, It wants to come out. Right? Oh, Unworthiness. Here you are, My love. Oh, My love, My love, Here you are, You have all my attention. And you breathe and you feel it. And every time you do that, When that you change your response, You change your response and your conditioning change. It's a great, Great point there, Michelle, You're conditioning changes instead of that automatic beating ourselves up and going, Oh, I am such a loser. I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I said that I should think back to something stupid. I said 20 years ago and feel badly about that. Right? I mean, You know, We just, We keep beating ourselves and wonder, Well, Why do I keep beating myself? This is where it's like there's an unmet, There's a wound here, And it needs our attention. And it needs our love, It needs our compassion. It needs to be brought out and say, It's okay, You're here. It's okay that you're here. And breathe and feel it. And to know that you have saved places like Insight Timer to come on here, You know, To know that you can talk about it here and feel love from others and feel compassion because we all know whatever it is you're going through, Whatever you're feeling, Maybe if it's not the exact same experience, But the feelings, We've all had them. We've all had them. We can all relate. It's tending to the feelings, Tending to the feelings. And every time we do that, There's a something more profound that we are realizing that there is nothing at the center of our feelings. Not saying no one, I'm not saying there's no one here. Of course there is, Right? But this feeling of a center of a me that this is happening to, Every time we come in and feel it, And we tend to, And we bring compassion and kindness, The wisdom arises in seeing, Oh, Yeah, That feeling came from, Yep, Five years old, Sitting on the playground, Got ignored. And that's, Ever since that, It just keeps getting picked over or picked again and again and again. And that scab never gets time to heal because it keeps getting picked. But finally, You opened up to it and you allowed the feelings to be here and you really give them your love and your compassion. And seriously, It is just giving your attention is love. That's love. Whatever we are giving our attention to, We are giving it love. And now in the light, In our awareness, We're open to what it is that's here. There's this feeling that, Oh, Yes, It got stuck. It got stuck because I never brought my attention to it. I never really allowed it to come out. I was so afraid of what might happen if I felt it. But in fact, In not feeling it, It's been driving my reactions ever since. And not in ways that have been beneficial, In ways that have been very harmful to us. So when we come in and we feel, We go, Oh, Yeah, I can see it. And we can understand, Like, I can understand why that happened. And this is where I think there is some usefulness in understanding the conditioning of why we're reacting in certain ways. But if we are not tending to those feelings, If we're not tending to the wounds, Then the healing really never happens. And yet, The resistance makes it grow. Right? What's that little saying? What we resist persists? Yeah. And again, That deeper wisdom, When we come in and we feel that, Oh, Yeah, It was just that kind of wound that got stuck and needed our attention. And there's that sense of opening and spaciousness. And there's no longer a feeling of a center here anymore. Because, You know, The ego, The separate self sees ourselves as the center of the universe. And there's that contraction in the body that really feels like, There's a center here. Oh, My God, It feels real. It feels the physical, The pressures there. Feels like there's something solid and independent here. But we come in and we feel it. Oh, There actually is no center here. There's experience happening. There's experience happening. There's feeling happening. No feeler behind it. Doing happening, No doer. Thinking happening, No thinker. Right? So now, The misperception of seeing ourselves as a solid, Separate, Independent entity, The one that's claiming every action, The one that's claiming every feeling, The one that's claiming every sense of unworthiness. Oh, That was just a little trick in the mind, An illusion. Oh, My God. It's like you're kind of peeling back the curtain. It was just a trick. It was a mind trick. It was a trick. The way that I was talking to myself about myself, Thinking there was a separate, Independent me. But I come into my feelings and everything opens up. And then we do that inquiry, That self-inquiry after the feelings. After the feelings. To whom do those feelings belong? Well, Now I can't find it. Yeah. Because there never was anything there. It was the assumption. It was the assumption, The way that we think about ourselves. There's this assumption there was a me that's feeling the feelings. Because of the way that we talk to ourselves. And again, The way that feeling, That contraction happens in the body. But when we come in with wisdom and compassion and feel it, We're like, Man, The jig is up. I've let this, Our whole lives, We've let this little thought created me crack the whip. Get over there. Hurry, Hurry, Hurry, Hurry. Your happiness is over there. Hurry. And we rush like good little, Good little soldiers. Oh, I'm here. Oh, Oh my God, The panic, The panic I got here. Okay, You can feel good for a moment now. Now you got to get over there. No, That wasn't the right job. That wasn't the right car. That wasn't the right person. Now, Now you got to get over there. Right? And so we're just being driven by this, Right? And then anytime something's getting in our way, Oh no, Something's happening. I'm disappointed. This shouldn't have happened. That person ignored me. I got this big bill. I have this discomfort. Oh no, No, No, No, No. And it creates this big drama around, Oh no, Things are looking awful now. Things are looking doomed for us. Right? And we so believe we're being driven by this thought created me. It's got, It's like a little thought bubble. And the moment, Or a little soap bubble, The moment you bring some wisdom to it, Some mindfulness, Some self-inquiry pops and you see, Oh, There was nothing substantial there at all. And what opens up? Because when we're in that narrow little mind state, Me, Me, Me, What's happening to me? What do they think about me? What do I think about me? We're in this really, Really kind of narrow mind state. It's all we can see, Right? We're always looking down, We're walking around, Oh, All these problems, Me, Me, Me, Right? And then the moment we come in and we feel, Right, Already things are starting to open up. And as I've used this analogy before, So the mindfulness, It starts to open up. Oh, We start to hear the sounds and the, Right? We kind of see and feel, Right? We're here. And then what I suggest, When I always suggest with self-inquiry, Now come around behind the camera lens, What's looking, Right? This is when we're asking the question, Like, To whom are these feelings arising? Because we're putting the jiggers up on the one that we think this is happening to. Now we're really present. Now we're here. And there's clear seeing each and every one of us is arising, Interdependent, Interconnected, Trillions of causes and conditions. It's all just happening. It was never happening to me. It was all just happening. It is all just happening. And then our outlook is even just like, Let's see what happens. I got a plan. Now let's see. Let's see how it happens. Let's see how the next 10 years go for Meredith. Let's see how the next 10 minutes go for Meredith. Let's see, Because we're not so, Oh, It's got to go this way, Because we're no longer beholden to this little tyrant in our thoughts. Let's see. Like we shed 20 pounds. We don't need Wegovy. We don't need Ozempic, Right? We just need to get that monkey off our back, The monkey that we give all our attention to. Yeah, As best we can, T, As best we can, Even, And I know because you are going through a really challenging situation right now, But as best we can to not personalize this, This is what's happening. This is what's happening. Because the personalizing, It creates more fear. It creates more agitation, And it doesn't really help us make the next step that needs to be made. It doesn't help us learn from what it is that's happening. So Richard, And I'm going to get right back to your question, Shira, When you're saying that you too have had loneliness, Or known loneliness, Or to feel misunderstood, Rejected, And then suddenly not at all, And it's, Oh, Is this, Oh, Is this, This is the Mary Oliver poem. Okay, For anyone that can't, Doesn't have the comments, Because I know we've had some problems on the comments. I too have known loneliness. I too have known what it is to feel misunderstood, Rejected, And suddenly not at all beautiful. Oh Mother Earth, Your comfort is great, Your arms never withhold. It has saved my life to know this. Your river is flowing, Your roses opening in the morning. Oh, Motions of tenderness. From Mary Oliver. I love Mary Oliver. She's great. Isn't, Isn't it Mary Oliver, The one that says, This one's always stuck in my mind. In fact, I'm pretty sure I have a thing of her poems here. Oh no, Oh, Alice Walker. Sorry, Alice Walker. I think it's Alice Walker that says, I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple and you don't acknowledge it, But I love Mary Oliver as well. Yeah, Yeah, Poetry, Right, Poetry to remember this shared experience, Right? Just notice how we connect on the loneliness, Right, On the shared experience of it. Yeah, Thank you for sharing that, Richard. Thank you. And Endwar. Oh, Endwar. Endwar, I think. Is that what you're? I was thinking that was a name. Is it Endwar or Endwar? I like Endwar. Either way, Lovely name. Okay, So Shira, Let me get to yours. So you're asking, What if you can't find people in your area that are like-minded? So I'm going to, I'm going to write there. So, Right there. Notice how there's a sense of separation. People that are like, Think like me, Or people that don't think like me. And I get where you're coming from, Because we kind of want a tribe of people. It's nice to have people that feel that are similar. But well, What I would say is, What about just people that are kind? People that are kind, They don't have to believe in any of this. They can be, You know, They don't have to be Buddhist. They don't have to be Christian. They don't have to be Jewish. They don't have to be Muslim. Right? And I do think, Oh, Bye, Philippa. Good to see you, My dear. Good to see you. Big kiss to you. I do, So I am just going to say this first off. First off, It is wonderful when we have our sangha, Right? We have this, Right? We have an online community here. And I have a local community that comes to my house on Sundays as well. And it's very nice to have that community. But it's good, And we need a spiritual community. So I want to make that point clear. But the people that we want to, Like, If there's friendships that you're looking for, You're wanting kind of more of that community, I would just suggest, And see for yourself, But I would just suggest not that they have to believe a certain thing, Not that they have to know about the wisdom of impermanence, Or emptiness, Or interconnectedness, Right? This isn't for us to, It's not for us to, That everyone else has to believe, Has to go along with this. But kindness, Kindness. It's nice to have people that are kind around us. And we find kind people in someone, I mean, It just removes all of the things that we think we need to see the people in, How they need to appear, What kind of groups or activities, Just kindness. The cashier at the supermarket that was kind, And maybe you were kind first, Hey, How's it going? You really looked them in the eye, You know, And maybe you do some loving kindness meditation, Right, Where you wish yourself to be happy, You wish yourself to be safe, You wish yourself to be well, And then you go on and you do it for, I do it where I go to my family, All my family, And then friends, All my friends, And then a neutral person, So maybe that person in the cashier, Or sorry, A person that we see all the time, But we're not, We don't really know them. And there can be a real sense of connection in that and kindness. Loving kindness is a wonderful practice, A wonderful practice, Right, Or tonglen, Compassion practices, So that as we're going about our day, We're giving more kindness as well. And I'll just offer up as well, Because really to make kindness a part of, You know, All of the practices, I mean, They can all do something, They can all do something. Ultimately, Ultimately, We let all the practices go, But they are a means, Right? And an incredibly helpful practice, And if you, For everyone feeling lonely as well, And just as a beautiful practice, And I have a whole series we did a couple of years ago, I think it was a seven-part series on kindness, And all those classes are up on my teacher's page. And what we did through those seven weeks of kindness, Is we kind of did it through the lens of intention, Action, Reflection. So when you wake up in the morning, You have the intention, Just we wake up in the moment, In the morning, It's that moment before, And it's like, Oh, Okay, We realize where we are. And then we just kind of hold our hearts, Right, Maybe put your hand on your heart and just think, Okay, What have I got going on today? And where can I bring kindness into my day? So instead of thinking about our day, And we're thinking, Oh, God, What have I got to do today? Oh, No, I've got this, I've got that, Right? We already get overwhelmed before we're out of bed. It's like, Oh, I've got this happening with that person. You know, What's going on with them? I can ask them about, Or yeah, I've got to go to the store. When I go to the store, I'm going to try to open the door for someone, Or if there's, If I can let someone go in front of me in line. So you're having this intention of how you can bring kindness into your day, And that intention really setting the tone for the day. And then the actions throughout the day, You're doing the kindness, You're more aware of it. Little acts of kindness, Little acts of kindness really build up. Just you're backing up your car, And you look, And there's the person next, And you know how we're often like, I want to go first, Right? Me, Me, Me, Right? And you recognize it, And you go, Oh, You go, You go first, Right? Or again, Walking in the store, You go, Right? Or you just see someone, And you find something you genuinely want to compliment them on, And you go, Wow, What a pretty dress, Wow, What a great tie, You know? These little kindnesses that connect us to other human beings. So in our community, It doesn't mean we have to necessarily have a great big group of friends, But now we're starting to really feel connected through kindness. And then at the end of the day, As you're lying in bed, You're going to bed, And now you put your hand on your heart, And you reflect on all the kindness. Not giving the ego something like, Oh my God, I'm such a kind person, Right? But feeling that sense of shared connection in your heart. I genuinely believe that kindness is the expression of our shared connection. And so you remember what that person must have felt like when you open the door for them, Just, You know, It feels so good to be acknowledged, And to have these little moments of kindness, And you just, You relive them in your heart. Maybe someone let you in, And of course, We always want to let that too, Right? Someone's wanting to let us in, Like, Yeah, Thank you, Right? Not to go, No, No, You, No, You, No, You, Right? Take it when it's coming our way and we really feel that sense of connection in our heart. And what we start realizing, What we start realizing is, Wow, There's a lot of nice people in the world. A lot of people that are struggling, And that are challenged, And not coping as well, But there's also a lot of people that are really appreciative of little moments of kindness. Little moments. And we start to feel more connection, More connection. Yeah, Actually, Yes, I saw that this morning too. Kindness opens the door. So we kind of always, We're always putting things in the wrong order, Right? I want the community, I want the kind community, I want the like-minded community. And it's like, Okay, What can I do to see what's already probably here? What's already probably here? So kindness being a wonderful, Wonderful practice, Intention, Action, Reflection, IAR. It's not a great acronym, But it's kind of the way it was, Came out. And Cassandra, So it's not actually a course. I mean, I did it as a live. So most of what I do is as live events. And then I just, I record these and I put them up on Insight Timer. I do have one course, Setting Boundaries with an Open Heart, But the kindness, And you know what I'll do, So Michelle from Montana, Because it was really helpful when you had suggested doing the playlist for the mantras. And I'm going to make a note, Because I'll forget otherwise, I'm going to make a note right now, That I'm going to do a playlist for the kindness, The ego game, And one of the courses kind of that we've done as lives. I'll look through, I think I have over 200 talks on Insight Timer, But I'll put some together as a playlist, Because I can do that as an individual person on Insight Timer. For some reason, I can't do it as a teacher, But I can do it as an individual, And then I post it in our group page. So I'll do that. And if there's any other kind of series that we've done, I'll do that as well. Oh, Robbie, Thank you. I'm really glad to hear that. Thank you. Oh, Philippa. So deep grief has clutched your well-being, You're in a place far away, And none has reached it. So no one maybe has reached out. You realize you can show up to things when you're okay, But in shame and isolation from depression, And you just want to break this clutch. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for the grief that you're going through right now. And it's tough when people, I mean, Sometimes people really shy away when we're experiencing grief. That's their own fear of getting close to someone experiencing grief. Not to judge anyone for that, Because everyone has to deal with it their own way. But we can acknowledge the behavior can be painful, And it can make us feel even more isolated. And yeah, It can really bring us down. So I mean, Again, I would say as best you can to come into what you're feeling here, As best you can. If you feel you need grief support groups, I know Alice can probably be a really good resource for you there, Because I know she's done the gamut on this stuff. And I think you've probably gone through the places that didn't work. I know when you even talked about one of your therapists that said, After your husband died, We should just get out there and start dating. And so you know when to abandon a therapist as well. And yeah, So you're even saying, Yeah, So lost some friends. Alice, She just responded to you there. Maybe, Alice, You could, I don't know how you guys do that, You could do a friends request. And so grief support groups can be super helpful, Super helpful. I would have to, Amanda, I would have to think that there are some lives on Insight Timer that are doing grief support groups. Is that right? I would have to think there are some there. We're going to put up another caregivers, Maybe in two weeks, Not so much with a Dharma talk, But just as a place to vent for caregivers, Because I'm part-time caregiving. Pamela, You and I were talking about it with your caregiving. Janine, I know you're caregiving. And there were other people, Ashka, Who just emailed me. And so we're going to do it there. I mean, Alice, I feel like you should be leading a group alive on this. But yeah, So okay, Great. You sent Philippa a request. So it's definitely some grieving resources, Philippa. And we want to take advantage of what's out there. Doing your best to come in and feel and if you need to do a one-on-one with someone to come in and feel, Come in and feel. I mean, It does help to say it too. So I'm not, I'm never denying, By the way, The relief in also talking it out. Right? Or even like Pamela, Like you and I've said, Like, Just sometimes you want to vent, Right? Nothing wrong with wanting to vent, Right? So sometimes that's what we want to do. And we just got to get it off our chest and then feel and then feel. And Philippa, Same thing. If you send me a message on Insight Timer you know, I'm happy to over messaging and I can send you voice clips. Sometimes they get quite long, But I think it's been helpful for people when you have the voice clips and you can listen to them over and over. And then it's like your own little personal Dharma talk, Right? Yeah. And Philippa, Even just the naming of it, The naming of it. Yes. Yes. There's a lot of like, Whew, That's what it is. Whew. It, Cause it's almost sometimes when we're feeling, When we're feeling off or we're feeling down and it can, And it's like, I don't even know what it is that almost can feel even more disorienting, But in the naming, Yeah. The naming. Yeah. And if you just send it to me on, Uh, I think if you go to my teacher's page, There must be a place where you can message me because I get messages from you guys there. Yeah. Oh, Thanks Abigail. Yeah. And Jeanine, I'm so glad to hear. Yeah. So, And I'll make sure to always do those. I do try and do these at, So there, It's always 12 o'clock my time, Which, So that it's okay for Australia. It's okay for the West coast in the States, The East coast in the States. And I know it's getting a little late for you guys in Europe, But, But I'll also be doing it the same time because yeah, Even just event, Like sometimes we just want to say like, Oh, This is frustrating, Right? And just, It's helpful to get it out in a place when, When you just feel supported, Like you don't feel judged for it. You're not trying to belittle anyone. You're not trying to harm anyone, But you're just saying, I just got to say it. I just got to get this off my chest and just to know that you're not alone to know you're not alone. Okay. We never did get to a meditation, But we're over two hours in. So, Maybe I should be putting the meditations back at the beginning of the talk. I'm sorry. We kind of, Sometimes the, The, The comments kind of steer the direction and it's where we end up. So, But yeah, So I think we'll, We'll go ahead and we'll come to an end. Now I will post this, Uh, I will post the talk. I might post all of this because it might be helpful for more people to just to hear some of the vulnerabilities sometimes of what we're going through. Oh, You liked them at the beginning. Okay. Ruth. Yeah. Yeah. This is, In fact, We had changed it because we were doing the mantras. And in fact, What I was going to add in was today to do our, Our, To do the mantra meditation pieces, Not resisting to not resisting our feelings, But then we just, We didn't get to the meditation. So maybe I just have to be, If it's really related to the meditation related to the talk, But I just have to kind of get us in there a little faster, A little sooner. It just kind of got away from me. So, So why don't we end though with just one minute? Why don't we end with one minute? Okay. So we'll just close our eyes. And we can just take a big breath, Big inhale. And let's all sigh it out. Just a big, Ah. One more really big inhale and exhale. And then allow your breath to be natural. As you feel your breath moving through your body and just noticing what it is that you're feeling right now. And just giving a little more space to what's here. Whatever it is that we can acknowledge and open up to, That we can welcome, We're able to come into and feel, It leads to healing. An ancient, Every one of us has some wounds inside, Some unmet wounds. Let's resolve to open up to what's here, To tend to these wounds, To these feelings, No matter what feeling it is. And we open our hearts and we welcome what's here. Giving our attention and really bringing some kindness to ourselves. And as we begin to come out of the meditation, Let's take one more big inhale with your arms over your head and a big stretch at the top. And as you exhale, Gently lower your arms and slowly open your eyes. I'm so glad you came today, Chris. I'm going to email you later. Just going to make a note here as well. You're not alone. You're not alone. Thank you, Alice. Thank you. All right. Thank you, Guys. Thank you so much. And I will see you all next Sunday. I'll see you next Sunday. So be well, Be safe. Feel your feelings. Feel what's here. This is really, This is the key. This is the key. Open to what is here. Okay. So thanks, You guys. Thank you.

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