Core Deficiency Beliefs Are False: How To Loosen Their Grip

Core deficiency beliefs are the stories we form about ourselves when we're children.

They are deeply held negative conclusions.

I'm not enough,

I'm broken,

Unlovable.

Children have a limited brain development,

Very little agency.

We rely on our parents,

Our adults,

And we need to keep them on our side.

Keeping them on our side is our best chance for survival.

Our deficiency beliefs help us make sense of experiences of neglect or criticism or when we're harmed.

We can't afford to question or blame the adults that we depend on,

So we turn against ourselves instead.

When we believe that we're unlovable,

We're looking for that in the world.

When we have had experiences that tell us we're not very smart,

Then many of our experiences will validate that belief.

If you were to sit with the belief,

I'm unlovable,

I'm unworthy,

Whatever that is for you,

Hear the words,

Let yourself feel that.

I'm unlovable.

What is your evidence for that?

It can be painful when we bring up those traumatic experiences where we form those beliefs.

These court efficiency beliefs came because we have evidence over and over and over that something's our fault,

That we could have done something differently.

If I was smarter,

I would have gotten better marks.

My parents would have been proud of me.

If I was happier,

My mother would not have been so depressed.

We know there's something wrong.

As adults now,

We might be able to have some understanding and compassion for them.

Now let's switch this up a minute.

If you were to say to yourself,

I had a lot of experiences where I felt unloved.

We all have had experiences where we felt unwanted,

Unloved,

Not welcome.

I've had experiences where I felt unloved.

Notice what that feels like in your body.

We go to the evidence for unlovability.

Now,

If you were to bring forward,

I've had experiences where I've felt loved.

And let those come to mind.

Notice how you feel in your body when you recall those.

It's not as likely that we form beliefs,

I'm lovable,

Based on that evidence,

Because of the negativity bias in the brain.

Especially as a child,

When we have experiences of feeling unloved,

We're more likely to develop a belief that I'm unlovable.

How can I be around people who see my value instead of denigrating me or not really wanting me around?

How could I cultivate relationships with people who think I'm pretty wonderful?

And one of the most important people to do that with is ourselves.

Could I bring myself into my own heart and see my own value?

Court efficiency beliefs are false.