How To Deal With Self-Criticism- LIVE Talk&Practice 11/04/22

This is the recording of Femke's Friday Live of 4 November 2022, in which she talks about dealing with self-criticism. As a teacher of self-gentleness, Femke explains how to let go of that self-critical voice step by step. After her talk she guides you in a meditation to experience for yourself what her words can mean for you personally.

Transcript

Hello everyone, Welcome to my weekly Friday life. My name is Femke Bakker, I'm one of the meditation teachers here on Insight Timer. And every Friday at this time you can find me here. And I will talk to you about a specific topic, And the topic is always about you, You in your world, Depending on the topic, How you interact with others, How you interact with yourself like today. And then I guide you in a meditation so you can experience for yourself what I was speaking about. And why do I do that? That is because I believe that I can talk a lot, And believe me, I can talk a lot. And you might resonate with that, You might understand it, You might feel you want to do something with that. But without an experience it will remain in your head. And to take that next step to actually start to practice something is sometimes hard. And that's why I guide you in a meditation, Not just to show you how you can do it, But also to let you experience that you can do it. Because I'm just someone who is telling you a little bit about something that I know. I'm just someone telling you about things that you could do. I'm not the cause of you starting to work on yourself, Starting to heal yourself, Starting to understand yourself better. You are that person. And that is exactly what I want to do with my meditation, To let you experience that. So that was my introduction. Welcome! Lovely that you're here. The topic of today is how to deal with self-criticism. Self-criticism, That's something we all know, Right? Some of you might know it to a lesser degree, Some of you might know it to a really massive degree all day long. Let me tell you, I used to be a master in self-criticism. And most of the time I wasn't even aware that I was a master of self-criticism. I was just critical of myself and I believed that I was just thinking these things because they were true. And I think that's the worst kind of self-criticism, When we believe these things, The nasty things, The critical things, The judgmental things, The harsh things that we think about ourselves, That we believe that those are the truths. I'm a native Dutch speaker and sometimes when there's a th and an s following it's really hard for me to say the truth. There you have it. That's okay. I'm not going to be self-critical about me. I was born in the Netherlands. I don't have a native English tongue. That's a small example of how you can soothe those thoughts. But maybe I'm jumping ahead. I'll start to speak a little bit more about that. Let me just take a look who is here. I would love to hear who you are, Where you are in the world, Because one of the beautiful things that I love so much here that people are from all over the world are coming here. People just woke up in Australia and New Zealand and folks with me in Europe who are enjoying a nice evening and then people in the Americas where it is already afternoon and maybe in between people who cannot sleep, They might be awake, But most of the time that part of the world is sleeping when I'm giving my lives. Really lovely that you are here. I so enjoy seeing your names and realizing that you know you're coming back almost all week all weeks for me to be with me to meditate. I really appreciate your presence. Thank you so much for that. Ellen says self-criticism for me is this voice in my head constantly saying that I'm not good, Not smart, Not pretty, Not enough etc. Yes, That's I think something that we can all relate to. Julia says self-criticism is like beating yourself up, Not pleasant. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. All right. Yes. Self-criticism. Well, Self-criticism is a big word and there are so many different ways how we can criticize ourselves and I think everyone does this from time to time. So sometimes when you mess up, You just do something wrong whether it's because you just failed to do it or you made a mistake or things didn't work out like you wanted to. Yeah, Then self-criticism is an easy road to walk, Right? And I think we do that in those times because it gives us a sense of control. A sense of control that next time we will do better as long as we are critical on ourselves, Giving ourselves some critical feedback, Telling ourselves again and again that we didn't do something right, That the next time we will improve. Next time we will not make that mistake. Maybe in some instances you might be right but the question is, Is that the way to go? How much are you actually helping yourself by criticizing yourself and to make sure that things are going better next time? And I know a lot of you might say, Yeah, But it's true. When I do something wrong and then I remind myself not to do it again and again, Then I better myself, Then I don't make the same mistake anymore. And it might be true to a certain extent but my question to you is then, How did you feel on the way there? Did you not make that mistake again because of that unpleasantness that you gave yourself, That you realized that it was almost like punishing yourself so that you would not go there again? Yeah, That's a question for you. You don't have to answer me. It's just a question that you can ask for yourself and then follow up by this question. How would it be if you would have told yourself, Okay, It's okay. I messed up. I made a mistake. I did something wrong. But you know what? We learned through mistakes. No one ever learned to walk in one time, You know, When we were really kids, Small kids, We needed to learn to walk. We fell down a lot. Sometimes we had our tooth bleeding or a nose bleeding or we fell to the front, We fell to the back. But the lovely thing of our parents was that they started to be critical about us. They didn't tell us, Don't do it again. Make sure you don't fall again. No, They understood that we needed to fall to learn to walk because this is the way that we had to learn things. And they were actually pretty gentle about it. It's okay. Next time. Okay, Come on. I will help you up and we'll try again and try again. Why? Because our parents had this deep knowing that at a certain moment we would be able to walk. So and even if they were not encouraging us, They were for sure not criticizing us for falling down because they just knew that we would get there. So even if they ignored that and just let us find it all on our own, Which might also be a great strategy for kids to find their own way, Let them make their own mistakes. There was this certainty that we would get there. So this is a really simple example, But it's so plausible. It's so understandable. No one would start to shout at a little kid who tries to walk when they're falling down making mistakes. So why are we doing this when the stakes are higher? Why are we doing this when we're bigger, When we are adults? So the thing is, In a lot of human interactions we believe that looking at the bad things gives us a sense of what we did wrong so we can improve that. But it's the way we look at those not so good things that gives us that illusion that we will better ourselves. We can still look at things that are going wrong or that we messed up and still know that we are able to change that. But we don't need criticism, We don't need harshness, We don't need to be really tough on ourselves for that. So coming back to the question that I just said, Would it be really necessary for you to improve yourself by being harsh to yourself? What would happen the next time you mess up that you start to immediately be gentle with yourself? You know me, Self gentleness, That's radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently, Consistently deserve your own gentleness, My definition of self gentleness. And it's that consistent gentleness towards yourself that is so important. Being almost like a parent who sees their kid fall when they try to learn to walk, That you understand that sometimes you have to make mistakes, Sometimes you have to do things wrong, Sometimes things just have to blow up in your face so that you can take that next step. But what if we would, You know, Cherish ourselves, Support ourselves, Soothe ourselves if we would feel pain or sadness or anger about that, And then reassuring ourselves that we will get where we want to be, We as human beings are so capable of evolving, Of expanding, Of learning. Why would learning always be through the tough way? So there's a whole topic there that I will not go into exactly, But it is the way that generally we raise our kids, Right? We tell them what we want them to do, And then when they behave right we reward them by giving them compliments or giving them things or being kind to them. And when they do things that we don't like, We punish them, We tell them that things are not right. And whatever your view on education is, That doesn't matter so much, But it's something to question. We believe that we have to be tough to improve ourselves. It's just like this mantra that you think you have to work hard to be successful. Where it has a lot to say about that, But I will do that in an upcoming life in a few weeks when I speak about self-gentleness and work. So there's also of course a different kind of self-criticism, Which is not so much about messing up when you have a concrete evidence that something went wrong and you have to relate to that, Because I can feel, I can understand that most of you can agree with me that that would be something that you could improve on. But what about those thoughts that someone just shared with us about finding yourself not pretty enough, Not smart enough, Not kind enough, Not funny enough. All those judgements about ourselves, About how we want to be. And then we notice that we aren't that exactly, Or maybe not all the time. And that we then punish ourselves for not being what we want to be. Well the first question is, Or the first matter is that very often we are exactly that, That we want to be, But we just cannot see it. So I know when you look at a beautiful person and you tell them that they are beautiful, Very often they look at you or they don't really believe you. A lot of beautiful people don't find themselves so beautiful. The same goes with smart people, Although there are also smart people who believe that they are smart. But you know, Every person is unique and every person has their own thoughts about themselves. And we always have this ideal picture in our head of who we would like to be with what kind of qualities, How we would interact, How we would urge others to perceive us. And through the times we start to judge ourselves because we do not live up to that ideal. So that's a tougher self-criticism to deal with because it's not something that actually happens that is visible, That we can respond immediately upon. It is something that lies way deeper, That is ingrained in beliefs that we have about ourselves, That we picked up during our childhood, That we picked up during our adolescence, That we picked up from our family, Our parents, Our siblings, Our friends, Our teachers. Let's not forget our teachers, Our colleagues, Our society, Our culture. So yeah, That can be really tough. And I think the best way to start to deal with that is to first become aware when you are self-critical. So I just took myself as an example that I used to be the master of self-criticism once. And in the beginning, So speaking when I was a teenager and young adult, I was really critical about myself and I wasn't always aware that this was criticism, Thoughts in my head that I made up that were related to my view on myself, My view on the world. I just saw these as facts and I don't know where I picked them up exactly. Well, We can dig into that. We can go into therapy to find out what can be really, Really valuable to really start to take a look at where things are coming from. But in the end, Here you are right now and you were becoming aware of these thoughts and the first step is to become aware that those thoughts are not truth. These thoughts are not facts. These thoughts are creations of your mind based on your experiences, Based on things you have thought about yourself, Things that you have experienced in interactions with others where you start to think things that you thought that others thought these things about you even though it might not have been true but you just assume these and these start to shape these nets of thoughts and beliefs that create this self-criticism. So becoming aware that self-criticism is nothing else than just thoughts in your head and you know, In meditation you learn that you are not your thoughts. The most beautiful thing you learn when you meditate is that you become aware that thoughts are there, They are popping up and they are going away, That you can sit in between all those thoughts and they don't have to have any meaning. It's the meaning that we attach to those thoughts, The feelings that we connect with these thoughts that start to give us unpleasant feelings and start to feel really bad about ourselves. So this would be the first process to be aware of those. And when you are aware of those self-critical voices, Those self-critical thoughts, Then you can start to deal with those. And in my book the best way is to soothe them, To counteract those thoughts with soothing thoughts as if you have this really critical person standing there and then this lovely parent figure within you stands up and starts to soothe you. And the idea is that this voice of the soothing person within starts to grow and this sound starts to become bigger and bigger and bigger. So but this is not an easy process because that first step from understanding that these self-critical thoughts are just thoughts and not facts, That's already a massive step. And then you might notice that they are there but it's really hard to still cut loose from them, To let go of them. But that's also okay because you know you are already living a pretty long time in this life and these thoughts have become habits, These thoughts have become default responses to things that you encounter, That you think about yourself. So let me take an example. What a lot of people, Especially women I think, But I think also men, Have is that there has been or maybe still this idea of you're only pretty when you're skinny. This is something that I suffered from a long time in my life, It's something that only the last few years I start to let go of. And this was a long process because I had a really self-critical eye on myself. It's really funny because when I look back at pictures when I was younger I'm thinking oh my god that was so gorgeous but also remember in that time I was thinking that I was not so gorgeous. So it really took me to realise that those thoughts were separate from me and that those thoughts were always there. No matter how I looked, I looked now quite different than I looked when I was 20 years old. But the thoughts were about still the same. So it's the same judgments of a body and a face that really changed and really made a big transition. So that showed me something must be wrong. So because I'm trained in meditation it's pretty easy for me now to let go of thoughts. So I decided to experiment with becoming aware of those thoughts and then replacing them by other thoughts, By soothing thoughts or maybe even turning them around. And this is what I did in the case of my body. I started to turn around those critical thoughts. If I thought that my belly was too fat I thought no I have the belly of a goddess. And it might sound funny but the more and more I start to do that the more and more I start to feel that my belly was not fat but my belly was the belly of a goddess. And it made me laugh also, Which also helps me to soothe. So I'm sharing something pretty personal with you to show you that this is possible. But the prerequisite for this is to be able to recognize a thought and also to be able to let go of that and to replace it. So it might be that you understand what I'm saying but you're also realizing that I cannot do that yet. I'm aware that I have the self-critical thoughts but I cannot really change them because then that voice is saying yeah, Ha, What you think that you can say that but I am stronger, I am right, I'm already telling you this for all your life. So that is something to deal with. And that is a process. You know, If you've been here more often you know from me I'm always telling you that everything is a life long work in progress process. So that also is how to deal with self-criticism. So let's start at the beginning. For me dealing with self-criticism is starting to be gentle with yourself. So this is not even focused on that self-criticism, It's just by starting to extend gentleness towards yourself. Because if you do that then you change the atmosphere, You change the kind of thoughts that you have. So for instance, I've told you this before, You can hear it back in other lives but I'm going to tell you again, I have three great practices that you can do to start living a life of self-gentleness. The first thing is, In the evening when you are in bed, All ready to go to sleep. So you've done everything, The lights are off, You're in your bed. And that moment you're just going to spend a few minutes thinking of three things that you're grateful for. It might be things that happened that day, It might be things that are already longer in your life. Just think of three things that you're grateful for. We know from a lot of research that focusing, Cultivating feelings of gratefulness is really great for our well-being. It really really helps to do that on a regular basis. The best is to find different things every time. But you can also use the same things if there are three things in your life that you're so grateful for, Then you can just focus on those. And then after doing that for a few minutes, Then you set intention for yourself that when you wake up tomorrow, It's going to be a brand new day. It's going to be a new day with new opportunities and new possibilities. And why is that important? Well, When we go to sleep and we take things from the day with us, Including for instance self-criticism or worries or problems, Then we sleep and asleep you can see like a reset. And then when we wake up, We have a whole opportunity to start our day with a different perspective. But very quickly we pick up on those old things we went to sleep with. But by doing this practice, We break that. We don't go into our worries before we go to sleep, We go into gratefulness. And then we set that intention to remind ourselves that when we wake up, It's a new day. It's a whole new day with new opportunities, New possibilities and new outcomes. And you know, That might work the first day only for one minute, But the second day you do it, It's two minutes and slowly, Slowly you start to expand, Especially if you follow up with a morning practice. The morning practice could just be sitting, Meditating, Which is always good to do in the morning. But there's also different practice. It's also in my guided tracks. So this evening practice you can find in my guided tracks. It's pretty new, So you have to scroll down. They're ordered on how many plays there are. It's called self gentleness evening practice. It's just four minutes. And if you listen to it, It will guide you in that practice before the evening. And then in the morning, There's a beautiful self gentleness practice. It's called waking up with a loving morning practice. And that is that the moment you wake up, You're just still lying in bed. You can even have your eyes closed and you just greet yourself and you're telling yourself with the sweetest kindness voice. Good morning, Darling. Good morning. And then you ask yourself, How are you doing? And this is an opportunity to just tune in, To feel what is going on. You're still relaxed. You're just waking up. And then you ask yourself, What is it that you would like to do right now? And that question comes after a reset, After setting an intention that today is going to be a new day. And then you just tune in and you feel what it is that you need. And then if you have the opportunity, You just do it. So it can be different every moment, Every morning. One morning it can be, Oh, I want to turn around and sleep a little bit more. If you can, Do it. Another day it might be, Oof, I'm getting out of bed and make that really lovely coffee that I love so much. Another day it might be, I'm going to take a really long shower. Another day it might be, Oh, I'm putting on my shoes. I'm going to walk my dog. Whatever it is, It is okay. And I hear you. You might say, Yes, I know, Femke, It would be good. But I have kids to wake up, To bring to school. I have work. I have a boss waiting. I have meetings. So if that is the case, You can still do it. But then you honour yourself by saying, I hear you. This is what you need. Well, Right now I cannot do it. But I promise you I will come back to it. So if it is going back to sleep and we cannot, Which happens a lot in the morning for a lot of people, I know, You will promise yourself you go to bed earlier that day. Or you will try to take a nap. Or you will take a relaxing lunch walk so you can take some rest. By honouring your needs, By actually listening to yourself what you need and to follow up now or later, You change something within yourself. It's a gentleness that you extend to yourself that is so important, Especially when you start to do this again and again every day. So this is called waking up with a loving morning practice in my tri-guide. It might be somewhere halfway, It's listened to already quite some time. You could follow that up also with a morning meditation, Which I would always recommend. But I leave it up to you because, You know, We have to see if meditation is also the thing that you want to do. Then there is a third practice and then I will guide you in the meditation. The third practice is also called self-gentleness tuning in. It's also pretty new. This is something that you can do during the day, Whenever you want, Once, Twice, Three times, Ten times. Every time you go to the restroom you could just sit and do this for a few minutes. And what this practice is just doing is that you are tuning into yourself. That you just close your eyes for a moment. You turn inwards and you just feel what is going on. What's going on in your head, If it's busy, If you can calm it. How your body is feeling. So often we don't listen to our bodies. We feel pain or we feel tiredness but we just push on and on and on and we don't listen to our bodies until it's sometimes even too late. A lot of people who get in the burnout, It's due to pushing through, Pushing through, Pushing through and not listening to the signals that our body is sending us. So by tuning in and honouring again what your body is telling you right now or later on, It's really important. And also your heart. You know, We're such sensitive beings. All beings are sensitive but also us human beings. I mean forget this, There's not so much room for emotion in our lives, In our societies. Yes, When we see the news. Yes, When we see our television series. When we do want to feel emotion but our actual emotions which are such beautiful guidance, Which offer such beautiful guidance because our emotions are telling us if we are congruent with our own needs and wishes and desires or not. So it's good to tune in and to feel that. So these three practices you could do, If you could do one in the evening, One in the morning and then one during the day, They each take just a few minutes. And if you start to do this every day and do it for let's say a month, Then see what happens. I will tell you what happens. It might happen faster or slower, That doesn't matter, It just depends on you. What happens is that you learn to acknowledge where you are. You learn to acknowledge what's going on within you and you show yourself that you are sticking up for yourself. You show yourself that you are here to help yourself, To be gentle to yourself, To give yourself some room. When you start living such a self-gentle life, You will notice that self-critical thoughts will decrease. It cannot be differently. When you start to honour what's going on within you, You will bump into things that you are thinking, You will bump into things that you are feeling. But connected with that is that need, That desire, The thing that is necessary to take good care of yourself. And you start to become more sensitive to that and it will really, Really help you to start to tone down those self-critical thoughts. And again, It's a process, It's not a miracle that you can perform from just one day to the other or one week to the other. It's really a process where you are the guide of your own self-gentleness. So after this life, I also invite you to click on the link in my profile. If you go there completely on the top, You will see that you can download a free self-gentleness checklist. Maybe you have it already, Then you don't have to go, But if you don't have it already, Then just go over there and download it. On it you find, It's a sheet that you could print. There are 19 daily practices and you can check them for every day. You don't have to do them all 19 every day, You just see which one resonates with you, Which one you love. The three I just mentioned are also there. And you just pick which one you want to do and you just do it. And if you like that one, You do that one every day or you try something else. So it's a great way to start helping yourself to also see when was I gentle with myself until it becomes a habit and then when it becomes natural behaviour towards yourself. And that is something that I wish for all of us, Including myself. I teach self-gentleness. I think I'm getting pretty good at it, But also I sometimes are not so gentle with myself. So I have pressures, Expectations of myself, Deadlines, Papers to grade, Whatever things are going on. And that's okay. It's that's okay. Also when you notice that you were not gentle with yourself, It's really important to soothe also those thoughts. There's no room for self-criticism here. So what I want to do, I'm going to guide you now in a meditation. Where are we going to work? It's going to be guided visualisation and I am going to let you meet that critical part of you, But I'm also going to let you meet that soothing part of you. And we're just going to see what they have to tell us, How they can inform us and how we can move forward. So it's called a guided visualisation and it means that I'm going to speak in the words of imagery. But I do know that not everyone uses images when they fantasise. So listen to my voice, Listen to the images that I describe, But use your own fantasy to create an internal reality on that. So I know that some people do see images, But others see words, Others have feelings, Others have a knowing, Others have smells. So you know best how you fantasise and it's okay to use your fantasy. I had a whole life about it. You can find it in my track list. Trust your fantasy, It's called. How powerful your fantasy is. And this is what we're going to do now also. You're going to trust your fantasy and you're using my words to create your own inner world. After that I will come back here and to see whatever questions or experiences are here and then we will close off. But let's meditate first. Alright. Now make sure that you are sitting comfortable. You see? Just sometimes to sigh it out, To make a really long sigh. It can be so relaxing. Just you know, Let's do it with me. Just take your breath in and then. And just make it as long as you can. There is such a sense of relaxation in your body when you sigh out. And that's something you can do in one minute to help your body to relax. Just sigh it out. Alright. Make sure you're sitting comfortable. You can lean against the back of your chair. You can also lie down if you prefer that. And if you fall asleep, That's fine. Your body needs sleep. Really close your eyes. Let's take a moment to experience how our body feels. There's any tension somewhere. If you feel tension, For instance in your forehead, Just pull up your wrinkles. Make a lemon face. And let go. So you can feel the relative relaxation from your face. Your shoulders. That's a notorious place to have some tension. You just can pull them up to your ears. And then drop them and sigh it out. So that feels good. Let's do it again. Let's pull our shoulders up. And sigh it out. Bring your attention to your buttocks, Sitting on your chair. Being supported by your chair. Your feet on the ground. Seeing the earth below you. Just let's bring our attention for a moment to our nostrils, Where the air is flowing into our body. And a little bit later, It's flying out of our body. So all your attention is on your nostrils, Where you're observing the air flowing in. And the air flowing out. Air flowing in. And flowing out a little bit later. And out. Don't change your breath. Let the rhythm be natural. Let the rhythm be yours. Just all your attention to your nostrils, Where the air is flowing in. And out. In. And out. And when you notice that your mind is wandering off, That's okay. Your mind is made to think. The moment you notice, You gently bring your attention back to your nostrils. You start observing again the air flowing in. And out. In. And out. In. And out. All your attention to your nostrils, It's okay when you notice that you forgot to think of them. Let your attention wander to thoughts or memories, Sensations, That's okay. Whenever you notice it, You gently bring your attention back to your nostrils. Air flowing in. And air flowing out. In. And out. And out. Alright, Now keep your eyes closed. You can let go of the attention of your nostrils and just feel for a moment how relative to how you started. There's more relaxation in your body. There is some silence in your mind. A sense of peacefulness. Might be small, Might be big, It doesn't matter. Alright, Now let's start our visualization. Imagine that you are standing in front of an elevator. It's a beautiful elevator. It's an elevator that you would call beautiful. So take some time to see how it looks, Maybe it's a really old-fashioned one or a really modern one. And the doors open and you step inside the elevator. And you see that there is a button. And that button is written hard. So you press this button and the elevator starts to move downwards. And while it's moving downwards you see that the numbers are counting down. One, Two, Three, Four. You feel that the elevator is sinking and it's a sense of relaxation, A sense of calmness. Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine and ten. And the doors open and you step out of the doors and you step into a beautiful garden. So step into the garden and take a look around you. This is a garden of your liking. So take a look around and realize that everything here is exactly as you like it. So you see your favorite flowers with the favorite colors. If you love trees, There are trees. If you like bushes, There are bushes. Maybe you see some butterflies. Maybe you see some other animals. It's just a good place to be. And when you decide to walk into it, You feel that the atmosphere is just perfect on your skin. It's not too hot, It's not too cold. It's exactly as you like it. Take a look to feel if there is a sun or maybe more suns. Or maybe you prefer a moon or more moons. How does this atmosphere feel in your skin? Can you feel that sun on your body? Just perfect. Maybe there is some wind. It's a good place to be. And when you smell, You smell those lovely aromas that you love so much. Maybe it's the flowers, Maybe it's your favorite perfume. And you walk now further into this garden, Enjoying to hear your feet on the path. And you now see that you're coming closer to an open space, An open space of grass. And you see there a person standing. And when you come closer, You can start to see the shape of this person. Maybe it's better said, A being. Because maybe it is an animal, Maybe it's a fantasy figure, Or maybe it's someone that you know from your life now or from your past. But when you come closer, You see that this is a being that so loves you. This is someone that has nothing but unconditional love for you. This is someone who would never criticize you, Who would always love you, And who would always embrace you and hug you if you would need it. So when you come closer, You start to see the outline of their body and you also start to see their face and you recognize them. And with recognize, I don't mean that this is a person that you've actually known in your life, Although that might be the case. It might be your mother or your father or a grandparent or a sibling or a spouse or a childhood friend. But it also might be that fantasy figure from your youth. It might also be that superstar that you so admire and that you feel that they would just love you unconditionally. It could be your superhero from your comic books when you were a kid. Just take a time to realize that this is them. That this being, Which might also be just your pet, Is a person, Is a being that just loves you. That's all there is to it. Unconditional love. And take a moment to realize that they're looking at you, Smiling at you. And really take a time to let that come inside. How that feels if someone that loves you so much is standing there just looking at you, Smiling at you. Really take some time to feel that. And if it's hard to feel that that's okay, Then just be aware that they are there for you. That they came here for you, To support you. That's just enough. But if you feel it, Then really let that feeling flush your body. Let your body remember how it feels when someone has such an unconditional love, A gaze of just love on you. We've all had a moment in our life when someone meant that for us, Made us feel like that. Just remember that moment and let it seep into your body and feel it, Allow it in. And if you cannot help but smile, Then smile. And if you feel a little bit sad, That's okay, Be kind to yourself. Just take a look at them again and see that they just love you. And they just want to wipe away your tears and comfort you, Be with you, Next to you. Alright now, This person has a message for you. And I don't know what that message is, But we're going to listen. I'm going to be silent so that you can hear what this message is. And this message can come in all kinds of ways. It can be a sentence, It can be a word, It can be a symbol, It can be just a feeling and knowing. Maybe you hear a song in your head and you don't have to understand what it is, But it is an important message that will help you to soothe yourself whenever you feel self-critical. Alright, I will be silent for a few moments so that you can receive whatever they have to tell you. Go ahead. And if you don't know exactly what it means, That's okay. I promise you that understanding will come later today, Later this week. It will come when you are ready for it. Just treasure this moment, Treasure this gift of knowledge that they have just given you. But if you do understand, Then treasure this answer, Treasure what it is for you. Take it with you. Alright. Now when you look to your right, You see that at a distance a different person is standing, A different being. And the atmosphere around this being is pretty different because this is you and you are critical about yourself. So when you look at it, You might see yourself but you also might see something completely different. Let's walk towards them but keep the distance that feels good to you. You don't have to come close if you don't want to. If you want to, That's okay but you don't have to. When you come a little bit closer, You start to see the outline of their bodies, Their face. You see that this being, This critical being has a shape, Has a face. Now it might be a complete fantasy figure with ten eyes and a big mouth and big hands but it also might be someone from your past who has been critical of you. It might also be that you see yourself when you are really critical about yourself. And it can also be that this is something, Just a being that gives you that sense. It's like when you hear these critical voices in your head, You have these thoughts that this is the being that would tell them to you. It's just not within you right now, It's external to you. And that's a good thing. It's not within you now. So if you feel any sense of anxiety or fear, Just know that they are at a distance and they cannot reach you unless you invite them in. And you can keep your distance, We're just going to work with them because also they have an important message. So look at them for a moment, At a safe distance, The outline of their body, Their faces. And yeah, They're looking at you and that is unpleasant right? It's unpleasant to feel that critical gaze upon you. That they're not within you, They're outside of you. And I want you to remember the feeling that you just got from this person that loves you so much. Yeah, Bring it back, You can do it. It was just there, It's still there. Just look back at them, See how they're smiling at you, They're not afraid at all of this critical person. They're just sending you all this love and you feel how it fills your body, How it fills your heart. And I would like you now to look again at this critical being. Now imagine that in your heart is a beautiful big light that just has been filled by this person that loves you and you're going to send some of this love to this critical person. So you can imagine that from your heart towards theirs, There is a laser beam. Just send out that laser beam, It's just flowing towards them. Give it a colour of your liking, Give it a colour that you associate with kindness. A colour that you associate with being gentle. And just see how this stream of light flows towards their heart and it starts to fill their body, It starts to fill their heart first, Then their chest, Their arms, Their neck, Their head, Their belly, Their legs, Their feet, Until they're in a big bubble of your light. And you notice that this light is just shining. It doesn't deplete, It's just there. Just like any lamp that you put on, It starts to shine as long as there is electricity, There is light. Well, You know, You have this person to your left, Sending you love all the time. This is your electricity and you're shining your light upon this critical person. Now, I would like you to look at this person, Because something special is happening. This person is filling up with their light and you see how their face starts to soften. You start to see how their body starts to soften, You start to see how all those sharp edges, All those parts that you felt so bad about, Start to become more vague, As if there is a little blur over their image. And you feel that it's not so sharp anymore, It's not so strong anymore. And while this is happening, I would like you to ask them, What is it that you need from me to feel better? What is it that you need from me to feel better? And again, Like before, I would like you to be open for the answer, Which can come in any, Any way, And just know that this answer is going to be genuine. This answer is going to be an answer of love. They will probably answer you that they want to take care of you, That they want to make sure that you're safe, That they want to make sure that you succeed, That they want to make sure that you will not be making mistakes. There is a good intention. Now we've taken the sharp edges of their criticism, What remains is their intention. So I'm going to shut up for a few moments, So you can get this answer. What it is that they actually need, What they want for you, What they're trying to achieve. Go ahead. That's important information, Don't you think? It's showing you what lies under that criticism, That there is a genuine concern for your safety, Your well-being, Your success, Your thriving as a human being, And that that critical tone was simply meant to get you there, But we now know that this is not the way. So I want you to answer them, Because I want you to feel that you don't need that criticism to get there. You don't need to be criticized to be safe, To be healthy, To be wonderful, To be loved, Because you are all that already. You are so worthy, You are so loved, You are so lovable. You might notice that this caring person that loves you so much has come really close to you and they're just standing now next to you in support. It's almost as if you feel their power, Their love shining through you. Now stand in front of this already blurred critical person and thank them for their concern. Thank them for their intentions to want to be there for you, To support you, But also thank them that you don't want their critical way to support you. So it's not a matter of pushing them away. It's not a matter of not wanting them here. It's acknowledging that they have a genuine concern, But that you are on it. You are on it in your way with freedom and gentleness and love and that you don't need any criticism to get where you want to be. It's okay. So take a moment to just tell them that in your own words or maybe you just give your gift back, Maybe you give a different symbol and don't overthink it. Just the first thing that pops up, That's what you're going to do because that's your subconscious speaking and that's really powerful. Go ahead. Yeah, Yes, Take a look at them, Those critical persons and see how they're smiling, How they're satisfied with this answer. And then take a look at this supporting person, This soothing person and see how proud they are of you. They're so proud of you. It's a good feeling to be with them. You know they both rest within you. This critical person who is never there to actually hurt you, Although it might feel like that, But who has a genuine concern which is not valid, Which is not warranted for, But that's why you can shine your light upon it. To shine that love that you feel from that other person within you. That person that always shares you on, That knows you to be the unique, Wonderful, Lovable, Worthy person that you are, Because you are. Every one of you, Not just every one of who is here now, Every being on this planet is unique, Is worthy, Is lovable. All right, Now take a moment to say goodbye to these two parts of you. You might want to invite them to be with you. You might want to decide to leave them here. You might want to decide to just take that lovable person within you. Or you just want to say goodbye. Wave at them, Give them a hug, Whatever it is, They're all part of you. And when you're done, You're going to walk back through this beautiful garden, Back to that elevator door. That beautiful elevator. And when you're ready, You step inside. And you press the upper button, The doors close. And you see that the count is going back up again. Ten. Nine. Eight. And you notice that you have a light heartedness that wasn't there when you started. Such a good feeling. Seven. Six. Five. You bring a smile with you. Four. Three. A sense of energy and happiness. Two. And one. The doors open again and you get out of the elevator. Now keep your eyes still closed. Just feel again how you're sitting on your buttocks, Your feet on the ground. Notice again how you're feeling now. Is it more peaceful? Is it more quiet within? Is your body relaxed? How is your heart? How are your emotions? It can be that you feel a little bit sad, Maybe a little bit frustrated because you didn't really go exactly how you wanted it. That's okay, It's a process. If this is the very first time you do an exercise like this, It might be a little bit hard to let go, But maybe also not. It doesn't say that you need a lot of practice, It just means whenever you are letting go of resistance against working with these things and accepting that all these parts are within you and that you can shine your love upon it, Sometimes with a little bit help of remembering those that love you. To feel their support in your body, In your heart. It's all there. And remember these messages. Store them somewhere within. The next time you notice that you're self-critical, Just bring your attention to your nostrils. All your attention to your nostrils, To your breath, Which will center you, Which will let go of a lot of the worries. And then if you need to, You could do this exercise to connect again with that strong feeling of love within you. And to understand that critical voice is actually a voice of fear, A voice of anxiety, A voice of wanting to control things, Wanting things to be better. And by starting to understand that aspect of you and shining your gentleness upon it, You start to heal that. And it doesn't mean you will never be self-critical. And it's okay because you're human, That belongs to our lives, But it will become easier to deal with it, Becomes easier to soothe it. And the more you practice these things, The more easy it will become. All right. Now take your time to open your eyes. Don't open them immediately. Really take some time. And then I will be waiting here for you. It can take one, Two minutes. If you make the transition too quickly, It might be harsh on your head, Suddenly the light. Really take your time.

Reviews

Thank you so much Femke.
I just started to practise IFS and this meditation fits perfect with it. It really helps me 🙏