Hey y'all,
Welcome to Meditations with Desi and this is an episode that is so important to me because just making it was cathartic as you'll hear me talking about in the episode.
I have worked with people that have gaslit and undermined my leadership and just really put me in positions where I often thought I was crazy that I couldn't even trust myself and this past year has been a lot of me breaking out of that,
A lot of me learning to trust myself again,
A lot of me learning to trust people again,
To let people in,
To be expecting of good things,
To trust that good things should and will happen to me.
So in that same spirit,
I hope that this meditation is useful for you even if you don't struggle with trusting yourself that this would be an opportunity for you to reify that belief in yourself and to reaffirm your belief in yourself.
So I hope you get what you need and let's begin.
Thank you for listening and please leave all feedback and I hope you like the new music this week.
If you don't,
Let me know.
I won't do it again.
Welcome to Meditations with Desi and I am Desi Hall and I'm so excited to bring this meditation to y'all because not only is it something that I feel like I wanted to share and I feel like my listeners might need but it's also something like I really need.
So making this meditation is also going to be pretty cathartic for me after going through two different predominantly white higher education institutions and working in some very weird places and struggles in personal relationships,
Just like a compound of things living through this crazy pandemic.
There's just so many factors that brought me to a place where I was very scared to make decisions,
Scared to take action,
Scared to dream or whatever it is.
And anybody who knows me knows that that is just not who I am.
I am a go getter.
I am somebody who likes planning,
Likes dreaming,
Likes strategizing.
These are the things that bring me joy but the past few years of experiences have gotten me to a place where I haven't enjoyed those things quite as much because I haven't trusted myself to do them and to do them effectively.
And again,
Just being a black trans woman in any kind of leadership role,
It's conditioned in us to second guess ourselves.
You don't want to do this.
You don't want to come off too aggressive.
You don't want to come off too loud.
You don't want to come off as too masculine.
There's just so many parameters that people try to place us in and try to make us live.
And trying to live in these confounds can leave us so where we don't trust our natural instincts,
Where we don't trust that little voice inside that guides us because the world has taught us that voice,
Something is wrong with it,
That we can't trust it.
And I know that that experience is probably shared across a lot of lines of difference.
There's a lot that can happen in life that will leave you not trusting yourself.
And the important thing is to realize that it's okay and that you'll get back to center.
So with that in mind,
I want you to find a place where you're comfortable,
Where you can just have a moment to yourself.
And whenever you're ready,
I want you to close your eyes.
It's storming outside,
So you might hear a little lightning,
A little thunder,
A little rain sound,
A little nature soundtrack for us this week.
I want you to take a big inhale,
Feeling your belly up,
Breathing deep into your diaphragm.
And when you can't breathe in any more air,
I want you to hold this breath for five seconds.
One,
Two,
Three,
Four,
And release.
Push as much air out as you can.
Let's repeat that breath.
Let's breathe in for five seconds.
Hold.
And release.
Let's breathe in for five seconds.
Hold that breath.
And release.
I want you to keep up with that five count breath.
For this first half of our meditation,
I'm just going to be doing a simple visualization.
And I want you to think about a time when you made a decision that broke your trust in yourself.
It doesn't have to be huge.
It doesn't have to be traumatic.
But if that's where you want to go,
If it feels safe to go there,
Whatever the situation may be where you felt like you made a wrong decision that broke your trust in yourself.
I want you to think about this moment.
I want you to picture this moment in your head.
I want you to remember how you felt in that moment.
Think about your intentions,
The things that were influencing you.
I want you to think about all of the sensations that you can recall in that moment.
Now,
I want you to think about someone that you love,
Someone that you love dearly,
Someone that you trust.
And instead of seeing yourself in this situation that broke your trust,
I want you to see them.
Whoever it is,
It can be a family member,
A friend,
A co worker.
I want you to picture them making the same decisions you made under the same influences,
Under the same pressures,
The same stakes.
I want you to picture them making those same decisions.
Now,
Your initial reaction could be that even someone else making that same decision was a bad decision.
But I want you to picture it being someone else that you trust to allow yourself some perspective,
To allow yourself to see your humanity in that moment,
To allow yourself to recognize your limited or unlimited options.
Allow yourself to recognize your limited knowledge from a place of compassion,
Of love.
If you could tell yourself one thing in that moment,
One comforting thing,
One loving thing,
One kind thing,
One truthful thing,
What would you say to you?
But say it to the person that you picture.
Tell them the words that you need to say and say it from a place of love,
From a place of compassion.
I would tell myself,
You did the best you could under impossible circumstances.
You made the best decision possible with limited understanding.
For this next half of this meditation,
I just want you to picture yourself.
Forget about the moment.
Well,
Don't forget,
But just sit the moment to the side where you broke your trust.
I want you to picture yourself now sitting in front of a large mirror behind you.
You can see in your reflection,
You are surrounded by beautiful plants,
Large money trees,
Snake plants,
Palms,
Dragon plants,
Everything you can imagine.
You are surrounded by vitality and life.
And you see yourself.
I want you to picture yourself repeating the affirmations that I say to yourself.
You can touch the mirror,
Put your palm to your palm,
Whatever your mind leads you.
Just repeat after me or in your head,
In your visualization.
You are human.
You can make mistakes.
You do not have to know every single thing.
You can trust yourself.
I can trust myself.
I am allowing myself to learn.
I am allowing myself to be a student of life and not always get it right.
I am allowing myself to overcome imposter syndrome.
I am allowing myself to accept and use the wisdom of my ancestors in tandem with my intuition.
I am allowing my inner child to play and thrive.
I am giving myself a second chance to do it again.
I am betting on myself.
I am betting on my intuition.
I am trusting my spirit team,
My creator,
My angels,
Whatever spiritual force guides me.
I am trusting it to help me make the right decisions.
I am trusting divine timing.
I am making a commitment to pay attention to my thoughts and not gaslight myself about the things that matter to me.
I am allowed to ask for help.
Asking for help means that I am trusting myself.
I trust myself to set the pace of my dreams,
Of my plans,
Of my goals,
Of my accomplishments.
I trust myself to deal with whatever life throws at me.
I trust myself to make healthy decisions for myself.
I trust that the baby steps to improve my mental,
Physical,
Emotional well-being will be honored and lead to great transformation in my life.
I honor every baby step that has gotten me to where I am today.
I honor that I am God's creation and that there is nothing that I can do to change that fact.
I honor that I was born worthy of love and there was never a thing I had to do to earn it.
I want you to return to your breath as you see fit.
Let's close out this meditation with some more breaths and a quick prayer.
Let's breathe in for four seconds.
Hold for four seconds and release for four seconds.
Breathe in for four seconds.
Hold and release.
Divine Creator,
I thank you for this moment.
I thank you for bringing us back to center and giving us the energy,
The renewal that we need to trust ourselves.
When we don't trust ourselves,
We become frozen.
Anxiety rules.
No decisions are made.
But when we trust ourselves,
We move forward with compassion,
With integrity,
And know that even if we make a mistake,
We can learn from it and improve.
May you remind us that part of being human is trusting that the mistakes that we make won't be fatal.
Trusting that a bad day won't make everyone in our lives run away.
Trusting that a bad feeling or trusting that a moment of depression is not a blanket statement about our lives.
May you remind us that we are loved and that we are loved.
May you remind us to listen for our intuition in every moment,
To listen for your voice,
To guide us in every moment.
I thank you for this moment of breath.
I thank you for this moment of meditation and of reflection.
Amen.
Ashay.
Whatever you say.
Thank you so much for listening to Meditations with Desi.
I hope that this has been useful for y'all.
I hope that whatever happens,
If you make a mistake,
If you get thrown off track,
That you trust yourself to get back to where you need to be and that you trust the people in your life to help you stay on track and to get you where you need to be.
So thank y'all again for listening and this has been Meditations with Desi and good night.
