Holding Your Loneliness With Care

There is an epidemic of isolation and loneliness within many cultures fueled by technology and changing norms. In this talk and practice session, I will look at loneliness through the lens of our nervous system. When we collapse in our dorsal system with isolation, it can feel impossible to connect with ourselves and others. Join me to learn mindfulness tools to shift our nervous system state, reconnect with ourselves, and open up to the vast network of community that is all around us. Please note that this practice is not a replacement for professional medical or mental health care.

Transcript

Welcome to this talk and practice on. . . Holding our loneliness with care. So welcome, Everyone. In our world today there is so much loneliness, Such an epidemic. No matter your age, Whether you're an elder, Or a young person. There is this sense of lack of connection. And I think it has been driven by a number of things. Technology, COVID, The shutdown during COVID. The lure of our attention to things that are sensational. Where we miss this kind of daily connection, This felt familiarity with friends or family. And. It is also an inherent challenge to have deep and meaningful friendships. And it can be harder over time to. . . Make new friends. So this is a challenge that No matter what age we are or what position in life we have, If we're working. Or working at home, Working in groups, If we have family or not. It's a challenge. So there are many components of loneliness. That people struggle with. And. It is indeed isolation. You know, When we're home, Whether our isolation is from working at home. Or from illness or health challenges. Many, Many people have social anxiety. Where it's a deep challenge to be in connection to be in groups and it is fraught with with worry and Will I belong? Will I be held in this group? That is a very deep challenge. Many of us also deal with the trauma. Of relationships, Right? We've all had relational rupture. And many of us have been excluded from groups or have been bullied. And so then the social connection that we long for is a double-edged sword where it also feels dangerous. To be connected. Because we have been injured in the past. And many of you I know struggle with health challenges. That make it very difficult to have the energy to be social. Or that you have sensitivities where it's difficult to be out in the world or pain. Or movement challenges. And. . . Some of you may be very lonely in the midst of your relationships. So there's so many different threads that make up the fabric. Of this experience of loneliness. And what I have found helpful in dealing with my times of feeling lonely. Is to look at it from a nervous system perspective, Which you know I love. And. In the polyvagal system, The dorsal vagal part of our parasympathetic system is the one where when we feel a threat or perceive that something is not safe, We turn inward, We curl in, We disconnect, We isolate, We want to be invisible. And if we have practiced that protective strategy when we're younger, It can become a habit. That is hard to break. Right. So if we grew up in a family that was unsafe or had friends that were difficult. Or we were bullied or excluded. We. . . Turk, Turn inward for protection. With our beautiful dorsal system. Is trying to protect us from harm. And our nervous system in the beautiful, Instinctual and primitive nature of it says. Hey, This turning inward worked. So let's keep doing it. And then it goes on autopilot. And it can feel insurmountable to change the pattern. So for me, It's helpful to know, Oh, I'm in my dorsal system when I'm feeling lonely. Okay, That's really good to know. And so I probably won't be able to do anything big. You know, Like strong exercise or, You know, Make big plans, But I need to do small little movements towards reconnecting with myself. Reconnecting with the world around me with nature with animals and potentially, Possibly then with people. Capacity of the dorsal vagal to turn inward and protect us. Also goes along with this sense of collapse and immobility. Where we almost feel paralyzed and it feels so difficult to Take some action. And this is where. Deep acceptance and kindness of what's happening. It's like, Yes, It is hard to Even think about picking up the phone and calling a friend when I'm lonely. It seems. . . Overwhelming to get outside and take a walk. Because of that, Quality of immobility in that dorsal. System. It's meant to protect us, To keep us invisible. But when we want to break out of that, It feels really challenging. And so honoring like, Oh, This is hard. This is my dorsal system that I'm in. It's going to feel really difficult. And I can be kind to myself. And. . . Let me see if I can nudge my system just a little bit. Into some mobilization. Inherently we are designed as humans to Want and need connection with others. We have this beautiful ventral vagal system, Which is part of our parasympathetic system. That longs to be connected with with others, Right? Other people, With nature, With animals. And when we feel lonely and have a difficult time, Mobilizing toward connection. We often pathologize ourselves. Right? We say there's something wrong with me. Nobody likes me. I've never belonged. There's something broken about me. And this is what our society and our culture does. But if you could see the elegance of the system that At one time I had to go into my dorsal vagal collapse. I had to turn inside of myself to protect myself. I had to become invisible to be safe. There can be an honoring then of what your body did to protect you. And also open up the possibility. That you're more grown up now, That you're bigger, That you're wiser, That you have. . . More tools for protection. Other than going into this invisibility and collapse. So, You know, Common advice is difficult when you're really feeling lonely. You know, Join a club, Learn a new skill, Volunteer, All of those. Good suggestions require energy. And mobilization. And a hefty dose of courage. To do something different and something new. And that is not always available. So. . . Knowing that and sensing into your capacity on any given day. When a wave of loneliness might fall over you. What is it that we can do? So first and foremost, I love to just name what's happening. Oh, Dear self, I'm feeling lonely right now. Oh, How do I know that? And then go to my body. Oh, My chest feels hollow. Oh, Interesting. Let me just be there with you and just be with what is. This is part of the allowing in the RAIN practice to recognize, To name it. To allow this experience to be here just as it is. To investigate it. How does this show up in my body? What's happening? What kind of thoughts are generated when I'm in this? Dorsal isolation in my nervous system. Ah, I see that it can change, Right? No state is ever permanent, Right? We move through emotions. We move through sensations. And it can be challenging much of the time, But not all of the time. So how can I investigate and then nurture? So nurturing is this kindness for ourselves, This. . . Acknowledgement that it's hard. Of course, It's difficult to feel lonely. Of course, It is so sad to not have the energy to go out with my friends, To not have the bandwidth physically. Or emotionally. It is sad. Right. Because we often long for that connection. So. . . One thing that we can do that can be helpful is to have some moments of micro-connection. So for those of you with animals that live with you, Dogs or cats or birds, Even reptiles, You can pet a lizard. Um, We have lots of lizards in New Mexico. And you can feel a connection to another living being. That is present in your world. And so. . . Our practice today will be on how we can show up how we can hold our loneliness with care. And notice what begins to happen as we come into our bodies for a bit, Notice this experience of loneliness. All right, So let us begin our practice. So, I'm going to start with a poem and end with a poem today. So come into a posture. That feels supportive and nurturing. Where your body can be cozy and comfortable. No matter what health challenges you have right now. And I'd like you to. . . Arrive through the words of this poem. It is by David White. Entitled, Everything is Waiting for You. Your great mistake is to act the drama as if you were alone. As if life were a progressive and cunning crime with no witness to the tiny hidden transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely even you at times. Have felt the grand array. The swelling presence and the chorus. Crowding out your solo voice. You must note the way the soap dish enables you. Or the window latch grants you freedom. Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity. The stairs are your mentor of things to come. And doors have always been there to frighten you and invite you. And the tiny speaker in the phone is your dream ladder to divinity. Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the conversation. The kettle is singing even as it pours you a drink. The cooking pots have left their arrogant aloofness and seen the good in you at last. All the birds and creatures of the world. Are unutterably themselves. Everything is waiting for you. And David White is giving us this powerful invitation. To come into intimacy with everything that is around us. This is a powerful practice. Right. Feeling. The intimacy of the space you're in. There may be plants or animals. Feeling the intimacy with your own body to the degree that you can. This is the home of our. . . Vitality, Our life force. And as you come into connection with yourself, With your body in this practice, If you would like to, To explore your loneliness a bit. You can. . . Join me. As. I invite you to recall a recent moment of a mild to moderate. Experience of loneliness. And just. . . Notice it. Name it. Say hello to it. Maybe invite your loneliness to sit next to you on a bench or a rock. Or at the edge of a river. And how do you experience your loneliness? What sensations do you feel in your body? Perhaps there might be a heaviness. In a certain location. Perhaps an emptiness or a darkness. Or maybe a lot of quiet. Somewhere in your body. So notice where your body holds this experience today. It can change from day to day. Maybe it's in your belly. Or your throat. Or your back. Your hands. And see if you can. . . Find some words, Some descriptive adjectives. That describe this sensation. So we're not in the storyline. Because that keeps us in our head. But we're. . . Coming into the body to the best of your ability. For as long or short as is comfortable. And notice, Ah. There's a hollow space here. Or there's a heavy, Dark weight in this part of my body. And maybe there's a shine to it. Maybe there's a color. Maybe there's a weight. Heart temperature. And see if you can offer kind curiosity. As you are. With yourself, With this. Experience of loneliness. And if you can, Continue to feel and track that sensation. With kindness. With allowance. And notice what happens next. To the sensation. It may stay the same. It may change. You're just being with. Your experience. In a very deep and powerful way. You are. . . Coming into alignment and connection with your own self. In a kind way, Nonjudgmental. And this can be the first step towards Holding your loneliness with care. You're holding it with yourself. You're not abandoning yourself when you have this feeling. A kind practice that you can fold into. Your experience of loneliness is. . . A just like me practice. Just like me, There are others who feel lonely right now. Just like me. Others feel these sensations of emptiness or hollowness or heaviness. Just like me, There is someone else out there in the world. That longs to have more connection. And so even though you may be alone and sitting in an empty house with just you, This just like me practice can help us. Feel connected to this universal experience. Of loneliness. You're not the only one. And of course, It is difficult. It is hard. There may be tears. There may be body aches with your loneliness. There may be such a deep longing. Of course this is so hard. And. . . Our next part of our practice is I'd like you to. . . Thank yourself for being able to hold your loneliness. Then we're going to shift we're going to pendulate our attention to remembering and recalling an experience where you did feel connection. And this may have been with another person. It may have been with an animal. Or tree. Or a river. Or a bug. And see if you can recall. The joy or the wonder or this. Felt sense of Connection. Where you saw another and then felt seen in return. And what are the sensations of this? Feeling of connection. Are you noticing something in your chest, In your heart? Or maybe your face feels. . . More in wonder or Having a smile. Maybe you feel. . . More solid because you have been seen and witnessed by another. And so stretch out the wonderful sensory. Experience of feeling connected. Flesh it out with detail. Where you were, If you were with anyone, What environment, What time of day. This is a savoring practice to. . . Begin to hardwire happiness. To Build stronger neural circuits. For connection. For joy. For bringing us into our ventral vagal system. Where we're open and curious. And feeling safe enough to connect with the world. And then if you want to go a little deeper with this. This kind of ties back to the David White poem of feeling the intimacy of our surroundings and um to ease into the conversation with all that's around us that Everything has an energy feel to it. We have our own energetics and our presence and every plant and insect and rock and tree and person and animal. Also has that. Seeing if you can tune into your own vibrancy and sense of aliveness. And how that energy field ripples out and interacts with other energy fields around you. Can be a very profound sense of energetic connection. Our world. From our own cells all the way out to the sky and the clouds and the stars. So this is a more cosmic or universal way. Of feeling connection, But it is present. There is an energy. In water, Leaves in sunshine in you know rocks and grass. And so being open to the possibility. That there are so many avenues for connection. That we often forget about. As we bring this practice to a close, I want to honor your courage to show up for this challenging topic. And to be willing to be with Your loneliness. In a different way maybe than you usually do. And my wish for all of you is that you have many moments of connection. Every day with yourself and the world around you. And I'll close with a poem by Rosemary Watola Traumer entitled Belonging. And if it's true, We are alone. We are alone together. The way blades of grass are alone but exist as a field. Sometimes I feel it. The green fuse that ignites us. The wild thrum that unites us. An inner hum that reminds us of our shared humanity. Just as 35 trillion red blood cells join in one body, To become one blood. Just as 136, 000 notes make up one symphony. Alone as we are. Our small voices weave. Into one big conversation. Our actions are essential to the one infinite story. Of what it is to be alive. When we feel alone, We belong to the grand communion of those who sometimes feel alone. We are the dust. The dust that hopes, Arising a dust, A thrill of death. The dust that dances in the light. With all other dust. The dust that makes the world. Belonging by Rosemary Watola Traumer. Thank you so much for connecting with me and for practicing with me today.