Day 28: What If What You Made Was Always Enough

Welcome back to day 28 of 30 days of soul curriculum through the lens of a soul art journey that I'm on.

And remember that my soul art journey is not finished.

I'm so close,

But it's not finished.

We'll be pulling things together in the next few days.

Today I was going to start a little differently.

The theme for today is,

Is allowing yourself to receive,

Allowing yourself to receive around something that you created with your hands,

With your heart.

I'm going to be giving a story about my own journey and I'm going to start with a little bit of a reading.

This is my book,

And this is the invitation to enter in the very,

Very beginning.

And take it in.

You don't have to do anything.

So it's called An Invitation to Enter.

This is not a book you read to understand with your mind.

It's a story meant to move through your body,

A remembrance to be felt beneath the surface of language.

The Midnight Carnival began as my own unraveling,

A way to walk with grief,

Art,

And memory But as I wrote,

I realized I was not writing for anyone.

I was writing with you.

For the version of you who remembers without knowing why.

For the part of you that still believes in myth,

Even if you forgot you did.

These pages are stitched with archetypes,

Symbols,

And soft haunting.

They follow a dream rhythm,

Not a straight line.

The environments open and close on their own time,

Some slow,

Some sudden.

They are alive as all stories are.

Let them move as they will.

There is no right way to journey through this book.

You can read it all at once or wander tent by tent.

You can cry.

You can close it for days.

You can come back when the wind changes.

And if something stirs,

A memory,

An image,

A question,

You'll find open space at the end,

A few pages meant for you,

Not as homework,

But as invitation,

As mirror,

As map.

You don't need to figure it out.

You only need to enter.

Welcome to the carnival.

Love Jocelyn.

So that's like the very first beginning of the book that I wrote.

I have written that book,

But almost nobody has read it.

And it's not because it isn't ready.

It's not because it isn't real.

It's genuinely one of the most honest things I've done in my life.

But somewhere underneath that,

I have a belief.

And that belief is what I create isn't enough.

What I create isn't enough,

Right?

I'm going to tell you that story about coming into this,

Because this really came up in my journey.

Just take a breath in.

Let your exhale come out through your mouth in a sigh.

It can come out through a small cool stream of air.

We need our body in a safe place,

Especially when we're talking about receiving.

So inhaling through your nose.

And exhaling through your mouth.

Feel your weight.

If your feet are on the ground,

Feel your feet grounding in.

You feel the shape of your body.

With your eyes closed,

You might bring your awareness in and try to feel the spaces in your body,

The curves and the angles.

The weight.

Even the volume of your body.

Feel the support beneath you.

And as you take your next breath in,

Just think of something that you've made.

What have you made?

Anything you created,

Maybe it's a piece of art,

Maybe it's a book yourself that you've created and you've brought into this world from an honest and real place.

Just let it come to mind.

Doesn't have to be art.

Be a relationship.

Business,

A way of living.

Something you built with your hands or your heart.

And hold it gently in your mind.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

And when you think of what you made,

Is there any part of you that's held it back?

Is there any part that's kept it small?

Any reasons that you have found that you haven't let it fully be received.

Just notice,

There's no judgment here,

Just noticing.

And take one more breath,

Inhaling.

And exhaling.

That's where we're going today.

So my story is about my book,

But what is your story about,

Right?

So I wrote The Midnight Carnival from the deepest place that I know how to write from.

It came from grief.

It came after my parents died.

Anyone who's been with me knows they died seven days apart in 2021.

The ground shook from underneath me,

Right?

They were part of the hospital protocols and so there was so much trauma around it.

They were my spiritual foundation.

I'm an only child.

We were living with them,

Right?

There was so much going on.

And then all of a sudden they were gone.

And in the aftermath of that,

Once I was able to get away from the shock and everything else,

I dove deep.

Into human design,

Into the Akashic Records,

Into soul art,

Into nervous system regulation,

Into yoga nidra,

Really for myself,

Right?

I did it for myself.

And this book came through just recently.

I actually wrote it in 30 days.

So it's really just been my journey.

And it's not a grief memoir.

It's not a self-help book,

Right?

It's a story.

It's a story.

And it's a world,

And it's a carnival that exists.

Between what was and what will be.

And it works with symbol and encounter and truth that really only comes from the imagination and lived experience.

So,

It contains everything I know about becoming.

It is everything I know about grief.

It is everything I know about retrieving your soul.

So,

What happened?

I wrote it,

And then I published it.

Nothing.

I let a few people know,

I did a little bit here and there.

One friend bought it.

Over like five months.

I kept telling myself stories about it.

I was like,

Well,

The timing isn't right.

Maybe I shouldn't do this right now.

I need a better strategy.

I need to have all these other things in order and I need to figure out how to market.

I'm not a marketer.

So I just,

And the book just sat there.

It just sat there.

And now as I'm on this journey and I'm working on what's my intention,

I am showing up for myself.

I'm realizing that those weren't strategic decisions that I made.

It was my belief of what I create isn't enough.

And,

You know,

The last few days we've been going real deep into those golden scissors with money and abundance,

Right?

My bond with money and death,

Right?

We worked through all of those money stories.

And then 27 was the day,

27 was the casino.

And I realized I was translating my aliveness to meet other people.

Right.

And I realized that I was being performative.

All of this happened by the way,

Over the last four days,

Because that's how like live we're doing this.

And then this day,

28 came up.

And then this belief,

What I make isn't worth receiving.

Not just financially,

Not just energetic,

Emotionally,

But in every way.

I made this thing.

I published this thing.

I stepped back.

I was afraid of what it would mean for people to receive it.

And the thing is,

For me,

This book,

I know this is my life work.

This is everything I do.

This is 49 years pulled together of everything that I've learned.

We're talking about this whole idea that I was translating my life.

How do you even put something out there that is so honest and so real?

And it's your journey.

It's like literally my tears in that.

And then I translate it from my aliveness.

My husband didn't even read my book.

Can you believe,

I didn't even ask him,

I didn't even ask my own husband to read my book.

So this is how deep in what I create isn't enough,

How deep that belief was.

After the casino when I realized I was translating and not speaking from my aliveness.

I woke him up the next day.

He was sleeping.

I gave him a kiss.

And the first thing I said was,

I need you to read my book.

And he said,

Yeah,

I need to read it.

And I was like,

What?

Like I let myself feel that.

My husband was like,

Yeah,

I really want to read it.

I want,

I need to read it.

So it was this moment,

Right?

I stopped performing.

I like went to him and I was alive and he's going to be reading it all.

I don't know if you can see how all of these days are adding up.

It took me 27 days to get to the point where I asked my own husband to read a book about my experience that he walked me through.

It's so crazy when we start to unearth all of these deep,

Deep belief systems that we have and their stories,

They're how we It's our conditioning.

It's just our conditioning.

That's it.

We are beautiful human lives that we let our minds and our conditioning run,

And we don't have to.

When you have beliefs like,

What I create isn't enough,

Then you stop letting your work be received.

And there's such a gift in your stories and the things you have created.

Your gifts are out there for people,

Right?

They need your gifts.

They need your stories.

They need whatever it is that you're creating.

Even if you're not creating it for the big world and it's just being something you're giving to your kids,

Your kids will be in the world.

That energy will change.

All of it is so important.

When you create in private,

You're,

You're really missing out on a big part of life.

What is it that you have created that you haven't allowed to be received?

And your belief underneath might be different.

Mine is what I create isn't enough.

Or what I create isn't worthy of receiving.

For you,

It might be something totally different.

So we're going to go in a little bit.

Let's do a little practice.

So close your eyes.

And come back to your breath.

Bring your awareness in and just allow your breath to be.

Don't manipulate it.

Remember I said yesterday your breath is a Polaroid?

You can use your breath as a Polaroid or a meter of where you're at any time in the day.

It's so beautiful.

So just allowing your inhale and exhale to be birthed from one another.

Following it.

Being aware with your breath.

And I invite you to close your eyes if you haven't.

And bring back that thing that,

Right in the beginning when we were breathing,

That you created.

And again,

It can be a conversation,

A relationship.

It could be anything.

It could be a book.

It could be a piece of art.

It could be something that you do in your spare time,

And maybe you don't see it as valuable in the world.

Whatever you created.

That thing that you created from a real and honest place.

Bring it into your mind.

Breathe into it.

Feel how that thing makes you feel.

Exhaling.

Pay attention to your felt sense.

Your sensations.

And I want you to ask yourself gently.

Who am I not letting?

Receive this.

It might be a person.

A community might be the general public.

Might be your followers,

Might be your family,

Might be your husband.

It might even be you.

Maybe you're not allowing yourself to fully receive what you've created.

And just notice who comes up.

Might be that it's a thought.

Or something you see,

Maybe you see their face or you hear their voice.

Who comes up?

When you ask,

Who am I not letting receive this?

And now ask,

What would it feel like?

To hand them that thing.

What would it feel like to tell them,

To hand them?

To give them.

Not translating it.

In the aliveness that you created it.

As an act.

Of showing up for yourself.

Feel it in your body.

Take a breath in.

Exhaling.

Feel what it feels like.

Just show up for yourself.

Give that person that thing you created.

And nailing.

And exhaling.

We're not focusing on the fear,

But the possibility.

And what if what you made is already enough?

What if what you created was already enough to begin to give.

What if it was always enough?

And what if underneath everything?

What you were missing was the willingness to be received.

Take a breath.

And exhale.

What if the only thing that was missing was your willingness to let this be received?

Let that land somewhere in your body.

Notice what you feel,

How it feels.

I'm going to give you some questions.

You can let float through the day.

You can grab on.

You can think about it.

You don't have to.

You can pass it off to somebody.

What have you created in any area of your life that you haven't let fully be received?

And what stories have you told yourself about why?

Can you identify the core wound underneath the holding back?

Not the strategic reason,

Not all the excuses.

Not the,

Oh,

I don't know how to market myself.

Oh,

It's not ready.

Right.

But the real reason.

And what does it say about what you've made?

About what you deserve.

And is there one person in your life who you've been keeping your most honest self from?

Handing them the translations.

Instead of the real aliveness of it.

And what would it mean for you to just hand them that thing?

If what you made was already enough.

Exactly as it is.

Right now,

Here,

Today,

In this moment.

What would your next move be?

Take a breath,

Inhaling.

And exhaling.

This is 28 days of 30 days.

I can't believe I've made it this far.

And today feels like one that I've been building towards,

But I didn't even know it,

Right?

I was building towards it,

But it wasn't the reason that I'm on this journey.

This journey is to show up for myself.

I haven't even really promoted my book at all,

But that's part of what's going to be coming.

Not because it's perfect,

Not because I'm a marketer,

Not because I know anything about strategy,

Because I don't know anything really about that,

But because I wrote something that needs to be received.

And I know it.

I feel it in my bones.

You know,

We're all human.

We go through these very same things,

All of us in different ways,

Different underground kind of beliefs,

But we all are going through this.

Transformation,

And right now is a crazy time.

So yeah,

Thank you so much for coming today.

I hope that you have a beautiful day.

I hope you let that linger,

That sense of you have created something,

Whether it be a relationship,

A conversation,

A piece of art,

A book,

Whatever it be,

A way of living,

That you can share in an alive way.

And maybe get a sense of what current is underneath that holds you back.

Namaste.