Day 27: Stop Translating Yourself To Be Received

Hello,

Welcome to day 27 of 30 days of soul curriculum.

And this is really moving through my own soul art journey.

It's the closest thing to a transmission because I haven't planned anything.

I have just brought what comes up for me in this journey with the intention that I am showing up for myself.

And yesterday I talked about the golden scissors and money and money stories,

Ancestral money stories.

And in that story,

I told you my mother took those scissors from me and she cut the balloon string of taking money too seriously.

About a day later,

My husband asked me if I wanted to go to a casino.

I went because I was like,

I just did all these money things.

Maybe this is a lesson for me.

And we're going to talk about what profound stuff happened at that casino about when you realize that you have changed and the new versions of yourself are beginning to bud in your life.

So just take a breath through your nose.

Blow it out gently through your lips.

You allow any part of you to move as you exhale.

So inhaling through your nose.

And on that exhale,

If anything wants to shift or move or stretch,

Just allow it to come.

Let's do one more.

Inhaling through your nose.

Oh.

We're just arriving.

Instead of closing your eyes,

I want you to look around your space.

Just look around your space and notice if you feel at home in your space.

It's not going to be perfect,

Right?

But keeping your eyes open,

Just look around and notice what in your space makes you feel at home or if it's missing that feeling of being at home in your space.

Does it feel like you?

Right?

Does the space that you're inhabiting feel like you?

Does it fit with who you are?

And just feel whatever you're sitting on,

Whatever you're supported on,

Like whether you're sitting,

Your feet on the floor,

If you're standing,

If you're laying on a bed,

Just feel the support underneath you.

Feel your weight being held.

And just like we looked around the room,

I want you to go into your body.

Do you feel like yourself?

Just notice.

There's no judgment if the answer is no.

It's totally okay.

Just do you feel like yourself when you bring your awareness in,

When you feel the weight of your body?

Do you feel like yourself?

Take a breath in.

And exhale.

Tell you a little bit of a story.

So I want to paint you a picture of who I was years and years ago.

I used to go to the casino with my husband.

We never really spent very much money.

We would go for the lights and the fun and the noise.

And I used to love to just do these casino games,

Right?

And all I wanted was the bonus on these machines because I thought it was so fun.

It was like playing a game when you were younger,

Right?

And you got to roll the six or whatever it be.

And I used to love it.

And we would sit together and we would talk and we would chat and we would laugh.

It was just fun.

It was a time out.

When my husband asked me to go to the casino over the weekend,

Did not feel like that.

I felt like a scared little girl.

It was so strange.

I couldn't settle.

I couldn't keep my eyes.

I didn't know what to do with my body.

My body felt like a rhinoceros in a small little cage.

It felt really weird.

And I wasn't judging it.

I was just kind of present with it.

I was like,

This is interesting.

What is going on?

I couldn't relax.

And what I realized was because of that feeling,

I started to feel very performative.

I felt like I was performing someone who was relaxed at a casino.

I felt like I was performing being there and being,

Oh,

This is what I'm supposed to do,

Right?

Rather than actually being that person that I used to be.

So I felt so out of place in rooms that like,

I used to just enjoy and have fun because I had had those golden scissors and I was trying to just,

Oh,

Maybe I'm taking this too seriously.

Maybe I just need to,

I can't be frivolous with money.

That was one of the things that I got rid of.

And I had this moment where I went over to my husband and I said,

Hey,

Just give me a hundred dollars and tell me I can use it however I want to use it.

And it's okay if I lose it.

And he did,

He gave it.

Gave me that to go play.

The minute he gave me that sense,

Like,

It's okay,

Go do it,

Something in me relaxed and I played.

I got to play all of these bonuses.

Every single thing I sat down,

I had a bonus and I was like,

Oh my God,

This is so much fun.

And I never won more than I put in or anything like that,

But it was so much fun.

And at the end of it,

Something shifted.

I named that I was feeling performative.

The whole evening was performative.

I was walking through the steps of a version of me that no longer is here.

I used to fit here.

And I used to be that version,

But it didn't fit anymore.

And on the drive home,

I realized that I,

For years,

Have thought that maybe my husband changed.

But in the end,

It's been so much of me changing and not in a small way,

In a huge way.

This journey is I am showing up for myself and it was only this week and then I was like,

Wow,

Things have shifted and things have changed.

It's happening in my marriage,

In my evenings,

In my work,

In the moments where I'm supposed to be a mom and a wife.

The woman that was and used to love the casino is no longer in me anymore.

And that's not a failure.

That's a part of me becoming and being able to accept and look at that fact that I have changed how I relate to my husband.

When I was just thinking,

Oh,

I'm just doing the normal thing.

You know,

My husband and I have had a hard time in the sense of what life has handed us.

We've had a stillbirth.

We have three kids.

We've had all the deaths.

His father died.

My parents died.

There were so many things that happened in like five years or six years that we both changed.

But I never felt it in me that I had changed and how I was relating was changing.

And the question I asked myself,

I was like,

Well,

If I don't feel right in this casino,

Where do I feel that casino rush?

And I realized it's in the conversations,

It's in the soul stories,

It's in the synchronicities in life,

The things that I get handed in my everyday life.

I feel that rush.

I feel that like,

Oh wow.

And I can get really into conversations,

Right?

And I get in that full flow awareness.

That is where I light up now.

You could say that's my version of the slot machine.

The casino didn't change.

I did.

My marriage had become performative as well,

Just as I was in that casino,

Right?

Not because we didn't love each other,

But because of all that stuff that we were handed,

We became performative,

Just get through the day.

What do we need to do?

And I haven't really fully brought this new version of me into my marriage,

But this is where it starts.

The awareness.

Oh my gosh,

I have changed.

I have changed how I am responding to people.

And one of the things I realized with my husband is when I get excited about something,

Like I have this project and I explained it to my husband and I was so excited and lit up by it.

But what I did was I performed,

I took it down to knowing,

Well,

What would help him hear what I'm saying?

I translated what the project was and took out my aliveness for it.

I changed it.

So of course he wasn't excited about it,

Right?

He wasn't excited because I was just explaining it in how I feel he might accept it better.

And that's part of my performativeness in my marriage,

Right?

Just being able to realize,

Wow,

I am shifting and changing who I am,

Damping down my aliveness because I don't want to get anyone else up in too big of a way,

Get them worried,

Get them on the survival train,

Right?

For the first time when I was doing this,

I'm like,

I'm not blaming him for not being excited because I'm recognizing that I have changed,

I have shifted my language,

I have done it,

And I haven't been as open and honest in how I express what's going on in my life.

It makes me think how much when we become,

When we shift,

When we change,

When we begin to transform our lives,

There is this weird in-between place when we're like,

We're not the same,

Right?

We're also not fully a hundred percent in that thing that we're moving toward But we're having the awareness is right and then all of a sudden it gives us a chance to recognize those moments.

Oh my god I've been doing this for how long and now I can change it and shift it and that becomes part of the becoming and this is something we all Experience as we transform in life now.

I'm in a marriage that I'm not gonna leave.

I love my marriage I love my my husband right so now I can take this into that relationship and build that again and bring him into my aliveness,

Right?

Into my casino moments now,

Which are more synchronicity and soul work and all of this stuff.

Where are you performing in the old version of yourself?

Where have you transformed?

And are you translating to be received?

Are you translating your aliveness into something else in order to be received?

So that you're not necessarily met as the new version.

You want to be met as the person who has the synchronicities,

The light up moments,

The soul conversations,

The one who is doing something real and doesn't have to justify it.

The one who is genuinely,

Quietly,

Unmistakably different than she was.

Sometimes it takes us a moment to recognize that.

So I want to do a little practice.

Let's close our eyes just for a minute.

Just allow your breath to be the Polaroid of where you are in the moment.

Okay.

So just that it's a beautiful thing that we have that we can check into our breath,

And we can get a sense of where we are energetically,

Emotionally,

In any moment.

So just notice your breath.

I'm not going to count it.

Just notice how your inhale is,

How your exhale is,

If it's moving your body.

Bring your awareness in,

Yeah.

And I want you to bring to mind a space or a relationship or a role,

It might be like your role at work or in your marriage,

Whatever,

Or your relationship.

Where you've been performing.

A version of yourself that doesn't quite fit anymore.

It might not be a huge thing,

But there's a piece of you that doesn't fit anymore.

And we're not looking at this harshly,

Just honestly.

Where are you walking?

Through the steps of who you used to be.

We're in a time where everyone is shifting.

Very quickly.

And where are you still walking where you were before?

Just bring that to mind.

Breathe into it,

Inhaling.

Exhaling.

Just gently.

Might you ask yourself,

What would it look like?

To let the person I'm becoming.

Show up here instead.

And it doesn't have to be perfect or all at once.

It doesn't have to even be big.

What's just one moment,

One conversation,

One small choice?

Where you can stop translating yourself.

And you can just be the version that's actually here now.

Take a breath.

Feel it in your body.

And don't feel it as a pressure to be something or something else.

Or someone or someone else.

Feel it as a possibility that's waiting for you.

What does that possibility feel like?

That one moment,

That one conversation,

That one small choice where you are actually being the version that is you here now.

Take another breath.

And as you breathe out,

Know that you don't have to fit your old shape anymore.

One more breath,

Inhaling.

And exhaling.

And while you're here with your eyes closed,

I'm going to offer some questions.

Let them land,

Let them float by,

See what comes up.

Pay attention to any feelings,

Sensations,

And felt senses in your body.

Any words or memories that pop up as I say these.

Where in your life are you performing a version of yourself that no longer fits?

And what does that performance feel like in your body?

Where do you actually light up now?

And is it different?

From where you used to light up.

What does that tell you?

About who you're becoming.

And is there a relationship in your life where you've been translating yourself,

Shaping what you say to fit what you think that the other person can receive?

What gets lost in that translation?

Where are you waiting for your becoming to be more complete?

More polished,

More proven before you let it be visible.

And what if this is already enough to show,

This is already enough to live in?

Take a breath.

Sigh.

One more maybe you sigh out with a little voice inhaling Huh.

.

.

Sometimes when I bring voice to something,

You can start to feel the shape of who I'm becoming,

The new version of me in my voice.

So when you're ready,

You can open your eyes.

This is 27 days.

The end it was a mirror.

It was a casino trip.

It was crazy.

It was performative.

It was oh my goodness This is what I've been doing.

This is how I have changed when I have focused on what everyone else has changed and trying to be fixing them or not or helping or being aware or helping them move to the next step right when it's been me.

I needed to shift how I am translating.

I just need to be me and alive.

So that's what happens when you commit to your journey.

When you commit to showing up for yourself.

Life cooperates.

Doesn't make it easy,

Necessarily.

But it does make things clear and you begin to understand and aha moments.

Insights that you can work with.

I am not who I was.

Not by far from the beginning of this journey.

Amazing to witness.

And I don't have to pretend anymore,

Right?

Neither do you.

Neither do you.

You have parts of you that are already waking up,

Already transforming.

You don't need to pretend.

You don't need to translate.

So that's it for today.

I hope you have a beautiful day.

Namaste.