Day 16: What Are You Carrying?

Welcome back to 30 days of evolution of my soul art journey,

The soul curriculum that you can use alongside me.

I do want to give a disclaimer today.

I'm going to talk about some heavy stuff,

A really deep thread into my grief and guilt.

I had an injury the other day and how that opened up a whole new level of my grief as I'm taking Ignatia,

Which I talked about yesterday and how our ancestors are with us and sometimes sending us messages through similar injuries.

I want to start with a little bit of root chakra breathing.

I'm going to talk about that root chakra as a diamond,

Like the perineum,

That base of the pelvis.

I want you to imagine that that root chakra is like a diamond when we start breathing through it.

Let's just start by closing your eyes.

Take a breath in,

Sigh it out.

And just place some awareness on the bottoms of your feet,

Actually silently in your own self.

Just say,

I am opening the bottoms of my feet.

And take a breath in.

Blow it out through your lips like a cool stream of air.

Arriving here.

Just grounding in.

And might you imagine that that root energy center is a diamond.

At the base of the pelvis.

And back out that diamond,

Breathing into that diamond shape.

And then as you exhale,

Imagine the breath moving back through that diamond chakra root.

And just breathing here for like three breaths.

Inhaling.

And exhaling.

Imagining that diamond.

Inhaling.

And exhaling back down through that diamond.

And inhaling up again.

Imagining that breath coming right through that diamond chakra.

And then exhaling.

Back down.

And just feel your body,

Feel your presence,

Feel your groundedness.

I had this accident.

I was fixing the dryer.

I had taken the whole thing apart.

I was trying to get it to work again,

And I'm on Ignatia.

Ignatia is about releasing those deeper layers of grief.

It's a homeopathic remedy.

As I was picking up the front of the dryer,

Something happened with my ankle,

And I don't know what it was.

I didn't feel it quite right away.

I felt it about a half hour later.

I was like,

Oh,

All sides of my ankle,

The Achilles tendon,

The sides of my ankle.

Of my foot.

The minute I started to feel it,

I was brought back to a memory of my mother.

I was not alive when this happened,

But I have been told this story many times that my mother,

Before I was born,

Was carrying milk into the house.

When she dropped the milk,

And this was like in the 1970s,

So it was glass,

The glass broke and a shard severed her Achilles tendon.

And that's the only details I know.

And that is the first story that came into my mind when I hurt my ankle and I let it go.

I woke up the next morning and before I even thought about my day or my ankle,

That story was in my mind again.

I started to ask,

Why am I thinking about this situation with my mother?

I'm in my soul art journey.

I'm in my intention.

I am showing up for myself.

What does it have to do with anything?

So I started writing.

I started thinking about what my mother was doing,

Which was carrying.

Carrying nourishment into the house.

I started writing about what am I carrying?

What am I carrying right now?

In the first 15 minutes of writing,

I ended up with a memory of my mother right before I saw her for the last time when they finally let me into the hospital.

She had called me at 4 a.

M.

In the morning,

And on the phone,

She was supposed to be in comfort care.

She was on the phone,

Totally could understand every word,

Though she sounded like a little child,

And she said,

I'm lost,

I'm lost,

Jossie,

I need to get home,

I'm hungry,

Don't know where I am.

And I,

At the moment,

Had him freak out,

Because I'm like,

Oh my god,

Did she actually leave the bed?

She was talking about the cafeteria.

So I quickly got off the phone and called the nurse.

The nurse said,

Her phone's not even near her.

Nothing's happening.

I don't know what you're talking about.

That was the last time I talked to my mom.

I have,

For a very long time,

Carried the guilt of hanging up on her when she was calling me for help and calling me for safety and calling me to tell me that she needed me.

She died the next day,

I think like six hours later.

I wrote about that.

I'm carrying that.

I'm carrying that.

And right into the piece of my father,

Who,

When my mom died,

I got to see them for about an hour or two.

That was the only time they allowed me to see my parents,

As this was 2021,

And there were lots of hospital protocols.

I was not allowed to see them until my mom was about to die,

And I saw my dad.

He was absolutely devastated.

He had no idea.

He was staying three doors down from my mom,

And the last thing he said to me was,

This world is yours now,

And then everything kind of went downhill from there.

What I started writing about was the fact that my father was three doors down from the room that my mother died in,

And he was never brought into the process.

And so how awful that would have felt,

Right?

I was really sitting in this.

How could I not have taken that wheelchair and just pulled them out of this hospital?

I started writing about all of this guilt,

Okay,

All of this guilt and what I was carrying.

I began to cry.

I cried for about six hours.

I let it,

And it wasn't like hysterical crying.

It was the Ignatia talking.

It was a cry of just gentle tears down my face for hours.

Towards the end of that,

What I also remembered was I did an ancestral healing.

It was brought back to me.

To my attention.

And in my journey,

I went through the medicine wheel.

I saw all of my maternal line,

All my maternal ancestors walking toward me,

All the women,

All the mothers,

All the grandmothers,

All the great grandmothers,

The bulls were their womb,

Holding their wombs outside of themselves and they were empty.

They had given everything of themselves to their families.

They had given everything and they kept moving.

They kept moving.

They kept moving.

They kept moving.

They kept moving.

They were carrying entire families with nothing left for themselves.

It was brought back to my attention after I was talking about what I was carrying,

This connection to my mother and this Achilles tendon.

She was trying to talk to me through this injury and all of that guilt that I was carrying.

And also having had all that guilt for so long,

I had been in a place of,

Okay,

Let's go move,

Move,

Move,

Move,

Move,

Move,

Move,

Right?

Let's go.

Don't stop.

Don't stop.

Don't stop.

Don't stop too long.

Just keep going.

Make sure you have all these responsibilities that you carry.

It's just go,

Go,

Go,

Go,

Go.

Don't look at the guilt.

And this is something that when I realized that after crying for so many hours,

I had a whole nother round And then I had to go into my Akashic Records and I had to go transmute that guilt because it came from not just me,

It is an ancestral pattern that is so deep in my maternal lines.

And how did this all show up?

I had an injury.

I didn't even feel the injury when it happened.

That's how crazy it was.

My whole ankle was swollen,

Right?

I had picked up something,

Gotten up.

It wasn't until a half hour to an hour later that I actually felt the injury and I knew I injured myself.

And then the next morning it was crazy.

All of my attention back to that Achilles tendon that my mother severed.

If I wasn't aware,

If I wasn't conscious,

If I didn't get curious,

If I didn't go,

Why am I thinking about my mother and this thing I didn't even witness,

And I didn't start writing into it,

I wouldn't have found that guilt.

I wouldn't have found that deep,

Deep,

Deep layer of grief that I needed to release.

See,

Anything in this life can be an opening.

Anything that's happening,

If you're in awareness,

Consciousness,

And curiosity,

Anything,

You can use anything to begin to start that process of healing,

To start that process of looking at your life.

I am showing up for myself as my intention and that is something that's been happening.

I have not finished my spirit action yet.

This is all pieces of this journey of how I show up for myself.

How do I show up fully for myself in all areas,

All aspects,

All versions?

And we're going to talk a little bit about what you carry today.

What do you carry?

It really,

It's awareness,

Consciousness,

Curiosity.

That's it.

Let's just go ahead and we're going to work on what do you carry?

And remember,

I tell this story because it's my ancestors.

Your body is amazing and you carry the story of your ancestors,

Your lines.

And not only your ancestors,

But your soul ancestors as well,

Which is a little bit different.

So you carry these things and your body,

Even in your DNA,

It's here.

Pattern for me,

For my kids,

For my ancestors,

For my future ancestors.

This is why we started with the root chakra.

This is why we started with that diamond root chakra.

Let's just go ahead and do a little bit of a practice.

And this is just a short practice.

And I want you to think about possibly writing about this later.

So just closing your eyes,

Going back to that root chakra.

We're going to just breathe in and out through that root chakra.

So open up the soles of your feet,

Silently saying to yourself,

I'm opening up the bottoms of my feet.

Breathing in through the soles of the feet and into the root chakra,

But imagine that root chakra as a diamond.

A diamond shape.

Breathing up into that root chakra and you might even bring that breath into your sacral.

That womb area.

And as you exhale,

Out the sacral,

Down through the root,

That diamond-shaped root.

Down the legs,

Down the soles of the feet,

And into the earth.

And then draw that energy back up from the earth into the soles of the feet.

Back up through that diamond into the sacral.

And back down on the exhale.

So just do this for a few minutes.

You can imagine that breath moving through that root energy center.

Inhaling up.

Into that diamond.

And exhaling back out.

Back down the legs,

Through the soles of the feet,

And back into the earth.

The Earth can hold you.

Inhaling from the earth through the soles of the feet all the way up to the diamond shape.

Of the root chakra into the sacral.

And back down from the sacral.

Through that diamond-shaped root chakra,

Down the legs,

Back to Gaia.

And one last time,

We're going to inhale.

Inhale that breath all the way up through that diamond shape.

And on the exhale,

We're just gonna hum.

So teeth apart,

Lips together.

Mmm.

Imagine that vibration going all the way down that diamond chakra.

Down the legs,

Soles of the feet,

And into earth and the earth vibrating with your vibration.

You You can let that go for just a minute.

I want you to silently ask yourself.

Am I carrying?

What am I carrying?

What do I carry in my pocket?

What am I carrying in my heart?

In my sacral.

In my root energy center.

And what you carry may go back.

And may go back to your ancestry,

To your mother line.

Your paternal line.

Maybe from this life?

And just notice when you ask the question.

What comes up?

Notice sensations?

Colors,

Memories,

Aromas,

Sounds.

What am I carrying?

If you notice a sensation,

Bring your curiosity to it.

Breathe into it.

Give it a blank page to write on.

Not everyone will see things.

Some people will just know.

Some people will hear,

Will feel,

Will see,

Will smell,

Will taste.

What am I carrying?

And be gentle here.

Can you distill it down to one word?

Or one symbol.

Or one color.

Or one texture.

One sound.

Can you just still down what you're carrying?

To one,

To a single point for yourself.

And then simply ask,

What do I need?

To release this.

How can I heal this?

Because when you heal these deep,

Deep,

Deep-rooted things that you carry,

You heal the ancestors.

You heal your children,

Your grandchildren,

Your great-grandchildren.

Gosh,

What an amazing life we live,

Right?

So take that symbol,

That color,

That sound,

That word,

Whatever it is.

Breathe into it.

Open your mouth and sigh it out.

That's your first puzzle piece.

Inhaling into your body.

Feel your body move with your breath.

And sigh it out.

Hmm.

.

.

Move your body around a little bit.

Come back.

Welcome back.

What I would be doing is writing with it.

I would get curious.

I would talk with it.

I would maybe draw it.

I would work with it.

And see where it's been in your life.

Maybe list,

Right?

You can have so much fun.

Those are some of the ways you can write with it.

You can finish that sentence.

I carry as many times as possible in different ways.

You can draw that symbol.

You can make that sound.

You can dance it out.

Ask your spirit guides,

Ask your higher self to help you release this.

Just beginning the journey of that healing,

That ancestral healing,

That peace,

Because everything can be that opening for you.

And this might be the opening.

For this journey.

So really quickly,

I'll give you three questions.

You can hold on to them,

Grab them,

Let them be in the ether.

What story have I inherited?

That might actually be trying to show me something about what I'm carrying.

Where in my body do I feel the weight of something that was never fully mine to carry alone?

And what would it feel like to let the earth,

To let Gaia hold this,

Even if it's just for a day?

So those are some questions I leave you with.

This is deep work,

My friend.

Thank you so much.

Namaste