Regrets

Regret is a natural response that helps us learn from mistakes, but it can become obsessive and destructive. The wise way to face regret is to hold yourself accountable while accepting and forgiving yourself at the same time. This in attitude leads to clarity and peace.

Transcript

Hello everybody and welcome to mindfulness live. This week we're talking about gratitude and overcoming regrets. You'll see that they're two sides of the same coin. So first of all make yourselves comfortable. Take a nice breath. Bring it in. Feel that breath. It's visceral. It's not just coming into your chest, It's coming into your whole body. And the breath goes into every cell and comes out and goes in. And this is what it's like to be alive, To do the work of life. Maintaining energy. Being well. And being well. And so much more. Experiencing scenarios that we can never even guess at. Discovering our senses, Our minds, And appreciating the scope of our own intelligence. It really is vast. And sometimes that's not a good thing. Because there's good intelligence and bad. But nevertheless, This is our playing ground. This is where we live. This is where we experience. So feel the breath as experience itself. And think about that expression to stay with the breath. What that means. How tangible it is some days. And how imaginary it seems on other days. Not made up, Imagined, But created, Shaped by the mind itself. Not just something happening in your body. Not something at a distance. Perception is fluid. And even though this breath is the closest thing you have, The closest movement, Energy, Source of life, It always looks different. Always feels different. They look quite the same. When you look into that uniqueness, You're entirely in the present moment. So feel that breath in your body, In your posture, In your weight, The pull of gravity, Resistance of your muscles and skeleton, Resistance of your mind. Somewhere deep in the mind is that determination to keep breathing. Keep breathing. Some part of you is always looking after that. But it's far from the conscious mind. And when you bring it up there into your consciousness, When you witness to your breath, Then it connects you to something in yourself which is special, Which is thoughtful and compassionate, Caring, Intelligent in a good way. And you stay with the breath. Stay with the moment wherever you are, Whatever you're doing. Moment is always accessible to you. And now, Taking three more breaths, Open your eyes. So, We're talking about gratitude this week because it's Thanksgiving week. And gratitude, In my mind, Throws up the immediate thought of regret. They're like opposites in my mind. I don't know if that's very scientific, But that's how I always feel about it. So regrets are appropriate sometimes, You know, If I do something stupid, Generally I'm doing it while I'm doing it, I am stupid, So I'm not paying attention. It's afterwards that I regret it and I say, Oh my God, I was stupid, Which is not a bad thing. It's a learning experience. That's fine. It's when it becomes repetitive, Becomes automatic. We're always looking for opportunities to do that, To put ourselves down. So that's a form of rumination. And rumination is unhealthy. It's damaging. And it comes from the animal, A ruminant, A cow, Who gobbles up as much grass as she can, Puts it in one stomach, Then sits down for a few hours and chews the cut, Ruminates, Just chewing away, Just working on the same old mouthful of shame, Of regret, Embarrassments, All of these emotions that I wish I hadn't done that, Because it hurts in so many different ways, Or in any particular way. I wish I hadn't done it. That's regret. But I really wish I hadn't. It's this wishing, You see. In order to learn from it, We don't need to have that desire to go into it. We just need to learn our lesson and say, Okay, Next time I'm going to be careful. I'm going to watch out for that. I notice that I'm particularly weak in that situation. So I'll try and be more careful. But when we have this need to go back there, That's one way in which it can happen. And then there's a way in which it just seems to happen by itself, By association. We're just doing something, And for some reason it triggers that feeling of regret. Oh, If only I hadn't. I dropped out of college, The very last moment. And there have been many times in my life when my career wasn't going so well, When I think, Oh, Why did I do that? I shouldn't have done that. And it can really take hold, You know. And then there are other times when I realize how much I love the work I do, And how this would not have been possible if I pursued my career as a social scientist. Not the way I'm doing it this way. I wouldn't have the freedom I would have been tied into. Anyway, There's no need to go into detail. But I made a decision which had consequences. Now, Like most decisions, Some of those consequences are good and some are not so good. So it's a question of sometimes one completely outweighs the other, Absolutely. But other times it's just a matter of perception. And I find when I'm in a certain mood, I start ruminating on this stuff again. And I start conjuring up those, Oh, If only I hadn't, If only I'd. And then there are other times when I just think, Oh, Thank God I didn't. I'm so pleased I didn't. So that's different from a situation where you really do regret something because it's really done harm and hasn't had much good effects at all. And again, That's something we simply have to learn from. And we have to bear the guilt of it, I suppose. But again, There's that phrase, Bearing the guilt. It's sort of like rumination. It's like you're carrying it around. And that isn't healthy. It doesn't help anybody. Showing regret is important. Moving on from it is even more important. And in order to move on, We need tools. Because as we said on Monday, Naturally we look at the negative. We obsess more with the negative because it's dangerous. That's a survival mechanism. Okay, So the advantages that we get in life take on less significance, Especially in our memory. We more easily go to the negative. We, You know, We know all about the new cycle. It's the negative wins, Always, Always. So we need to counteract that consciously. And the conscious way to counteract regret is with gratitude. So a simple practice, And there are social media sites that will help you with this if you need that sort of thing, Are to be thankful each day formally, To actually sit, Take a minute to think. You can have a gratitude journal where you write down what you're grateful for today or in the last 24 hours. There are websites where you can post three gratitudes. Or you can just do it in your mind. But to do it consciously is a practice which does change the shape of your mind. It does incline you more. That gratitude grows very quickly, Grows very easily through practice. And it gives you a much more positive outlook, Perspective. That perspective which chooses to look upon that particular event as being a terrible mistake or as being a blessing. Okay. It helps you move between those two more fluidly. So the problem is rumination and the solution, Now I feel like a snake oil salesman because I'm going to say the solution of course is mindfulness. Mindfulness cures everything, Right? No, I don't say that. I don't say that. When I do get anywhere close to saying that, I like to remind myself as well as you that mindfulness is not a method. Essentially, It's not a tool even. It's simply a state of mind. It's a mental factor, A mental function if you like that we use from time to time, Especially under conditions of stress. When we're newborn we're all attention. When you travel to a new place where you've never been, You're much more attentive, Right? You have to be, So you are. That faculty is right there waiting to be used. When it's not used is when we're in a situation of complacency, Where we take things for granted and everything's normal and every day is pretty much the same, You know, Just getting through our life and coping. So mindfulness, The mindfulness we're talking about, The mindfulness that this whole adventure of mindfulness life is all about, Is the actual act of paying attention, Taking the time to be there to show up in every situation and to go further than that, To keep a gratitude journal or to post three things you're grateful for in the last day. I saw a beautiful flower, Made me smile. That's perfectly fine. My cat came up to me and rubbed his nose against my knee. Anything. It's paying attention. It's not the thing that happens that counts, It's your paying attention and it's your giving weight to it. It's a part of your well-being. It's like brushing your teeth, Tossing. We do it every day. It's very healthy. So gratitude, Yeah, I encourage it, Not just one day of the year or one week of the year, But every day. It doesn't have to take long. It's just a matter of stimulating that particular muscle, If you like, Gratitude. And by doing so, Giving yourself much more counterweight to the power of regret. You'll manage regret more easily and you'll find it doesn't stay with you as long. Will it banish regret forever? Again, I don't make promises like that, But it definitely feels better. So make yourself comfortable. Take a nice breath. And let go. And you really can let go of all control. The body will look after itself. And you can just be here watching and enjoying. And just feeling the breath come and go. You're feeling it and yet you're watching it. You're part of it. And yet you're an observer. There are so many points of view, Of perspective, Of outlook. So many ways of seeing everything. All for you to explore. This is the gift that your mind brings. Imagination, Exploration, Discovery, Great joys and great sadnesses. That's how it is. And the basic choice, Do we do it with our eyes open or closed? Staying with the breath. And with this entire moment. Listen to this moment. What do you hear? What vibrations are knocking in your eardrums? Can you feel the vibration? Can you sense the tingling of the nerves as they tell you what that sound is? Or wonder what that sound is? The humming, Is that from outside or from inside? Can you feel the hum? Can you sense the knowing of the hum when you are aware of it? Maybe it's just fuzzy. Maybe life is fuzzy, Chaotic. And the only order is in fact in our minds, In our perception, In our outlook. Staying with the breath and with the mind as it is in this moment, However it feels, Wherever you stand, Accept yourself. Be grateful for what you have, What you are. You're human. You have the power to change. Change the way you see, Change the way you feel, Change the way you experience your life. It's not a plan, It's an exploration. You don't know what to expect. And that's what opens your mind. Not knowing opens you to more possibility, To more mystery and more discovery. And you stay with the breath. Okay, I'm about to go back to my vision. And you're grateful that you take this time. Thank yourself for your efforts, For your insight, For your work. Stay with the breath. Staying with the breath, Exploring your body and your posture. Exhaling your fingers and toes, Arms and legs, Abdomen and chest, Spine and shoulders, Neck and head. This is you. This body supports your brain, Your mind, Your experience, Your life. That's something to be grateful for. And now taking three more breaths, Open your eyes. This is you. You