Mindfulness Live

We don't just live in the world. We live in society, and sometimes have to deal with difficult people. This guided contemplation leads you through scenarios that will seem familiar, but that enable you to see them from a more mindful point of view.

Transcript

Welcome back everybody. It's good to see you again. And this week, I should say, We're going to talk about communication. Getting stuff from one person's brain into another one. And it's an incredibly important thing that we don't give enough attention to. So, We're going to be paying a lot of attention to it this week. That's what mindfulness is for. It's all about attention. So, Make yourselves comfortable. Take a breath. And let go. It's been a tumultuous week. And even if you don't care about politics, This stuff is happening out there and it affects us. It seeks in, In one way or another, If only in the way that other people are. So, Just look for this right now. That disturbance in your mind, In your heart. That sense of discomfort, Uncertainty. How does all this make you feel? How are you feeling now as a result of seeing and thinking about these things for the past few days? What are the end results now, In this moment? Get in touch with that tension. And just breathe with it. Allow it to be there. Don't fight with it. Accept it. Breathe with it. And in this way, Slowly, Breath by breath, Letting go. And regaining the sense of solidity and being there in your breath, In your body, In your ground, This sacred place that you create for yourself, Where no one else can go. This is where you understand and it's where you let go. Breathe. Breathe. Staying with the breath. Nice and simple. Breath comes in, Breath comes out. Noticing the thoughts and the feelings and letting go. Really keeping it simple. And in this place where you have space and time to think and to feel and to know how you, Your body and mind, React to the circumstances you're in. You can't not react. So the next best thing is to understand how. Feeling the breath. Feeling it in your chest. And concentrating on each breath. Feeling the movement as it goes down and as it comes up again. Feeling the sensation of being affected by the world around you. And the effort of staying focused. Withdrawing from the world for just a few minutes. Staying with the breath. Knowing how this minute feels. How you feel at this time in your life. The feeling of moments and the feeling of the times. Staying with the breath. Creating space. Creating options. How you might or might not react. And taking three more breaths. Open your eyes. So, Communication. It's really the source of, I think, Of our whole cerebral world. Because thinking and ideas all take place in the form of language, In the form of words and things which only really develop because we have to communicate with each other. We have to exchange ideas, We have to coordinate directions. Whatever the people, Our ancestors, Did in their caves, It's obviously become a lot more complicated. And we have to look at why we talk. What are we actually communicating most of the time? And sometimes it's factual information, But a lot of the time, Even if it looks like factual information, What we're actually communicating is how we feel. And we don't even notice that most of the time. But the best way to notice it is actually to have a mindful conversation. And when you do that, When you have the luxury or when you take the time to be able to watch yourself speaking or to listen to somebody else speaking to you thoughtfully, Then what happens is one thing changes. Because I know when I'm in a conversation and I'm listening to what the other person says, I'm anticipating what I'm going to say. I'm coming up with a response or a filler or something because it's a conversation and I have a role to play and there's a certain tension, There's a certain little bit of stress in there, Okay? So I want to be sure that I have something to say. As well as that, Sometimes I may not want to say what's really on my mind. It might be awkward, It might cause trouble. I might upset somebody, It might make me look stupid. I don't want to take the risk. So that's another element involved. Firstly, What's going on? Am I really listening? Maybe not because I'm too anxious about what I'm going to say. As soon as you see that, That's good. You've sort of clicked into this mindful way of approaching this. And now you can tell yourself to shut up and listen. Really listen. And listening doesn't just mean processing the words, Processing body language as well and speech, The speech inflections. In other words, We're trying to get to the emotional message behind the conversation. Why are we talking about this? Caroline told me this morning about a news item she was reading. I'd already read it, But she just read it and she was very excited. Not in a good way, She was sort of scared, But anyway, She was caught up in it. Just as I'd been caught up in it a few minutes earlier, But I'd already read it. So I could say, I've already read it, But she's getting something off her chest and this is important to her. So I listen and it's not as if I don't learn anything, But if I do, I learn what she read from that article. So if I just shut her up and say, I already read it, I would have missed something. I would have missed two things. I would have missed an opportunity to help out my life mate, Which is what we do, Isn't it? We help each other out. And then again, I'm missing a bit of incoming information, Which may be trivial or it may be vital. You don't know until you hear it. So, Listening is not to be taken for granted. Okay? We all have obstacles for listening and I think the most common one is this, Got to fill the gap, Got to fill the space, Got to be ready with something. Or somebody's telling me about something that I know about too, I might be coming up with something to contradict him or something to improve the conversation. And I'm so focused on this, But I'm again not really hearing what's going on. So what we're going to be practicing is mindful listening. And it doesn't only apply to the other person. You want to listen to yourself as well. You know, After an argument or in an argument, You might say, Well, You know, I mean, That's not what I meant. But you have to look a little closer and say, Well, Nevertheless, Is that what came across? Is that what I actually communicated? Is that person justified in thinking that that's what I was saying? In the heat of the argument, In the heat of the moment, We lose track of this. So that state of tension when we think we're fighting for something, When we're trying to put something forward, That state of tension is something that should throw up a red flag. Speaking, You're not listening. OK? Good communication comes in three steps. OK? First, You have to listen. Second, You have to speak up. In other words, Tell the truth. Tell what's really on your mind, What really is happening. And sometimes we don't because we don't want to have feelings, Whatever. The reason, We don't necessarily pay attention to what's foremost on our mind. We pay more attention to what will actually be the best social lubricant in this situation. So, Again, That's something we want to know. Am I saying this because I'm afraid of saying what's really on my mind? OK. I was talking the other day to somebody. OK, We started this out with politics. So, Somebody who is a transfer. I was talking to this person, Trying to understand how we can kind of bridge this gap. A perfectly decent person in every other respect, But strange ideas. But the point is not to contradict the ideas. That doesn't help. We know that. The point is to get on that emotional wavelength. OK. What is it that actually motivates you? And it's usually fear. So, What is the fear? You know, I didn't get very far, To be honest, In the conversation. But I'm looking, I'm trying to find a way. And I think it's incumbent on all of us to do that. This situation in America is not only in America, It's all throughout the world. We're in a period where we've gone through this extreme fragmentation. This splitting of ideas, Two camps or more. And mindfulness and meditation is not something separate from that. This is the world we live in. This is the world we contribute to. And reaching across that gap and communicating is vitally important. That's what this is all about. It's not just about preserving your own mental stability. Because if the world around you is unstable, You're not going to get it. So, Communication in, When we're talking about mindfulness, Is part of the whole responsibility of mindfulness. And to do a good job communicating is part of the responsibility of being a citizen, Of being part of society. And having the minds that we do, Having these incredible brains and the ability and the freedom to practice something like mindfulness and to actually improve ourselves is a blessing and it's a gift. And we should use it as much as we can and use it usefully. So that's my little rant, That's my little moral rant. But I do think that's very important and this is how we do it. So, Gosh, My time's already gone. So much to say about communication. Caroline wrote a whole book about it. And, Well, Communicate With Confidence. It's an e-book. It's forgiven to ask. And it really is the foundation, It seems to me, Of what she does as well. Everything she does comes down to communicating with other people. I mean, It's about coaching you through life. And what is life? It's dealing with people. You know, We think of it in terms of, Well, My life is my house and my car and my stuff. These are all secondary. Communicating is critically important and mindfulness practice is the best way to prepare yourself for communication in this way. Okay? So, Let's begin. Make yourself comfortable. Take a breath. And let it go. And now, You're in your room and you're sitting in your chair. Across from you is somebody familiar. Somebody you know and talk to often. Maybe every day. Maybe your spouse. Somebody that sometimes, Perhaps inadvertently, Unconsciously, You take for granted. Somebody who perhaps sometimes takes you for granted a little bit. Because you're just always there. But now you're going to listen. And more precisely, You want to watch. Because this person starts talking to you. And you're not, You don't hear the words. You're not concerned with the words. You're watching this person's body. The way they move. The expression in their face. The way they get the words out. The stress and the emphasis they put on certain phrases. Ideas. And what you're looking for is the underlying motives. It's not magic. You're reading their body language. And whether you know it or not, You are an expert. Just watch. You'll be surprised what you learn. So, Stand with the breath. Nice and peaceful. Not feeling any urge to speak. You sit watching. Taking the time. Giving the great gift of listening. Accepting this person completely and everything they say. As a reflection of how they feel and how they are in this moment. And when you really understand, You actually feel it inside yourself. There's a connection. A recognition. Especially when you understand the feelings that lie beneath the words. The motive for speaking. Apparently to communicate information, But in reality much, Much more. Communicating a state of mind and heart and anxiety. Staying with the breath. Staying with this person and watching. Listening to the tone of voice. The emphasis, The rhythm, The stress, The volume, The cadence. Even ignoring the words that are so much information. Watch. And especially let go of your reactivity. Let go of the need to answer. Fill in the gaps. Stop planning ahead and pay attention to this moment. To this person. And pay attention to and to you and your reaction. How you feel. Pay attention to what you want to say. What comes up in your mind. And why. Understanding this thing that we call communication. The attempt of two hearts to connect. But often falling far short of that. Often was satisfied by words. So now, Go deeper. Look. Listen. Give. Listen. You give up your time to find a clever answer and instead you use it to pay attention. To listen. There is no greater gift. To listen to somebody is to open your heart. Staying with the breath. Just breathing. Two people in a room. Just breathing. Two people in a room. Sitting quietly. Your breaths will synchronize. If you sit quietly together you'll come to a familiar point. A point of communion perhaps. It's not easy to sit quietly with another person. But when you do something special happens. Just like when you sit quietly with yourself. You feel the connection to this person. And you feel how closeness is impermanent. It's temporary. It comes and goes. And to regain the sense and reinforce it. You have the only person to take the time. To give the gift. And speaking three more breaths. Open your eyes.