We all have our difficult days,
Today is one such day for me,
Or a stretch of days for me.
There's a milieu of emotions that trigger a lot of thoughts,
Thoughts that are aimed at proliferating these emotions,
Thoughts about blame,
About isolation,
Anger.
Although I'm aware of all these things,
Although I've studied all these things for almost a decade,
Doesn't mean it goes away,
Doesn't mean it's not difficult,
But I don't want to pretend that everything's okay.
I don't want to push this under a carpet.
I caught myself earlier asking this question,
What am I missing?
What am I not seeing?
Yes,
There are all these people who are the culprits,
But why am I suffering?
Instead of believing all the bombardment of thoughts that want to proliferate this feeling,
I caught myself asking this,
What am I missing?
Unfortunately,
People around us cannot feel what we are feeling,
They can barely understand what we are going through,
And even if they did,
They don't know what to do about it.
They either end up making it worse for you,
Or they just leave you alone.
Sometimes it just feels like a storm has arisen,
And it's destroying everything with it.
It's easy to hurt the people around us,
It's easier to hurt ourselves in the process as well.
Yes,
It's a storm,
And yes,
It will pass,
But what is it trying to show us?
What am I missing?
What is it that I'm not seeing?
If everyone is a problem,
Then I'm sure it's a me problem,
Not a they problem.
But can I stay in this realization of me problem without hurting myself,
Without lashing out at others,
Without adding more to the damage,
The destruction,
Yet not shoving it under the carpet?
How does one do that?
I don't know.
All I know is trying it is doing it.
Yes,
I have two choices right now,
To either wallow,
Or to be honest and clear about it,
To cancel this session and overthink it,
Proliferate the emotions,
Or to sit out in the cold and let the storm pass.
For me,
It is anger,
For someone else,
It could be sadness.
The process is the same.
Unfortunately,
As a culture,
We don't have a place for this,
This openness to share,
To handle,
To understand.
I don't want to overemphasize how I feel.
It's not about my feelings.
It's about what they are showing me that I'm unable to see.
It takes time to unfold.
Where do I put this in my time card?
I don't want to pretend to be a robot,
As if everything's fine.
At least I'm vocal about it.
I can talk about it.
Most of us don't know what to do.
We sit there in front of our computers,
Feeling a certain way and acting a different way.
And this lack of congruence between our actions and our feelings puts our feelings as if they are neglected.
They don't just go away.
They morph into sadness,
Fear,
Dread,
Unhappiness,
And sit in our bodies.
The more we talk about our feelings,
The more we think about our feelings,
The same feelings get converted to,
Get morphed into anger,
Entitlement,
Unhappiness of a different sort,
But still unhappiness.
That's why we'll find people who are either angry or sad.
They go one way or the other,
Either neglect or overemphasis.
As I told you earlier,
What to do,
I don't know.
I know what not to do.
Maybe I'll stay with that.
I can talk about it right now while I'm going through it.
I don't want to talk about it after I have gone through it.
There's no point in digging it up.
Whatever I want to study,
Learn,
Understand is now,
While it is fresh.
After that,
It's just reopening the wound.
Some days I feel that it needs to be someone else's responsibility to do something,
To create something that will help all of us.
And maybe it is,
But I don't want to wait for someone to realize that this is a problem and to create a solution that will help me and others around me.
Although I cannot outthink my feelings,
I can overthink and make it worse,
Or close down and make it worse,
Today I don't have any answers for you.
I only have questions.
What am I missing?
What am I not seeing?
Thank you.
