There is a particular kind of disappointment that does not come from rejection,
It comes from almost.
Almost seeing each other,
Almost making it happen,
Almost being chosen.
When someone reaches out,
They tell you they're nearby,
They say they'd love to see you.
You begin to look forward to it and then it does not happen.
Plans shift,
Something else comes up,
You're left holding the anticipation alone.
If you have ever had that experience in a friendship where connection keeps being suggested but never quite lands,
This is for you.
My name is Martha Curtis,
I'm a psychotherapist and coach,
I work with creatives and I support individuals who are or have been in abusive or high control relationships.
Many of the people I work with don't struggle because relationships end clearly,
They struggle because relationships stay suspended,
Emotionally activated,
Hopeful,
And then reset again and again.
In this talk we are going to explore what happens when someone keeps almost choosing you.
We will look at why repeated near connection is emotionally destabilizing,
How anticipation becomes a form of emotional labor,
And how you can begin to honor your own time,
Emotional energy,
And self-respect without needing confrontation or withdrawal.
And this is not about forcing decisions,
It's rather about regaining steadiness.
And by the end of this talk I hope that you will feel less confused about why this experience lands so heavily.
You may recognize patterns you have felt but maybe didn't name them and you may feel clearer about what this dynamic asks of you,
Not in terms of action but in terms of self-respect.
Let's talk about why almost hurts more than no.
Clear endings allow the nervous system to settle,
Almost keeps it alert.
When someone signals closeness and then withdraws,
Your system prepares for connection and then has nowhere to place that readiness.
Hope is activated,
Your inner world adjusts,
Time and emotional space are made.
When the connection doesn't arrive,
There's a drop.
It's not always dramatic,
It's not obvious,
But it is cumulative.
Because anticipation is not neutral.
When you look forward to seeing someone,
You invest emotionally,
You make room,
You prepare internally,
You lean forward.
When plans repeatedly dissolve without acknowledgement or repair,
That investment is not shared.
One of the most important shifts here is recognizing that your time and emotional energy have value,
Even if nothing official has happened yet.
And a question I want to ask you is this.
How often are you emotionally preparing for connection and how often is that preparation actually met?
Many people feel embarrassed by the language their body uses.
Oh,
I feel dropped,
I feel dismissed,
I feel foolish,
Forgetting my hopes up.
These responses aren't maturity.
The nervous system recognizes the pattern of approach and withdrawal and over time,
It stops trusting signals of connection,
Even if the words remain warm.
And that erosion of trust happens quietly.
When this keeps happening,
Many people redirect their discomfort inward.
They tell themselves,
Ah,
I shouldn't expect anything.
Oh,
Maybe I should be more flexible.
Maybe I'm being unreasonable.
This is often framed as maturity,
But it's frequently self-erasure.
A clarifying question here might be,
What do I have to minimize in myself to make this feel acceptable?
That question often reveals how much respect you are quietly withdrawing from yourself.
Honoring yourself in this situation doesn't mean becoming cold or distant,
It means pacing your emotional availability and,
That can look like,
Not emotionally preparing until plans are concrete,
Allowing enthusiasm to arrive after follow-through,
And not organizing your inner world around possibility.
This is self-respect.
Your time matters,
Your energy matters,
And your anticipation matters.
So,
Should you say something or should you step back?
And this is often the hardest question.
There is no universal answer,
But there is a meaningful distinction.
If this has happened once or twice,
Speaking up can clarify expectations and give the relationship a chance to respond.
But when the pattern is established,
Hope,
Anticipation,
Consolation,
Reset,
The question changes.
It becomes less about communication and more about information.
If you already know the response will be reassurance without change,
Then stepping back isn't avoidance,
It's data-informed self-protection.
Stepping back doesn't have to mean ending the friendship,
It means letting the relationship exist at the level it's actually functioning at,
Rather than at the level you keep hoping for.
Shared history makes this harder,
Memories hold emotional weight,
Affection lingers.
Remember who this person once was to you,
And a grounding question here might be,
Are you responding to who this person is now or to who they were to you once?
That distinction often brings clarity without forcing action.
And you might want to pause here to give yourself some time to answer the next few questions.
What happens inside of you when you are told,
We'll see?
How much emotional energy do you invest before anything is certain?
How does your body react when plans fall through?
What would it look like to honor your time more consistently?
Almost connection often asks for something subtle but important.
Not confrontation,
Not withdrawal,
But recalibration.
You can care without overextending,
You can like someone without waiting,
And you can respect the bond and still respect yourself.
When someone keeps almost choosing you,
The pain doesn't come from lack of affection,
It comes from inconsistency,
From repeatedly leaning forward and finding nothing to meet you.
You're not wrong for noticing this,
And you are not too sensitive,
And you don't need to harden yourself to protect your dignity.
Sometimes self-respect looks like stepping back internally,
Not because you don't care,
But because you do.
And if this resonated with you,
Consider sharing it with someone who keeps finding themselves waiting for connection to finally land.
And in the next talk in this series,
We will explore what happens when understanding someone else's circumstances slowly turns into leaving yourself out of the picture.
