What Do Narcissistic Mothers Do And How Can I Cope?

In this podcast, Martha discusses different kinds of narcissism, common tactics narcissistic mothers employ and introduces you to three strategies you can use to protect yourself from being hooked into games and offering ammunition if you can not cut ties.

Transcript

Welcome.

My name is Martha and I'm a psychotherapist,

Coach,

Yoga and meditation teacher.

My goal is to support you on your healing and growth journey throughout life and guide you towards self-worth and self-actualization.

I specialize in positive psychology,

Mindfulness and TA.

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In today's episode,

I will be talking about different kinds of narcissism,

About mothers who are narcissistic and the typical behaviors they exhibit and how you can cope.

At the time of the recording is 2021.

I have been working for over 13 years with clients who have grown up with a narcissistic parent.

This is something very close to my heart.

Let's talk first about the different kinds of narcissism.

I will keep it quite brief because luckily over the past few years,

People learned more and more about narcissism.

However,

This also has a downside and I will explain a little bit later.

Well,

Narcissism is a spectrum and there's even healthy narcissism.

When we have healthy narcissism,

We're just like children.

We like ourselves,

We recognize our self-worth and we have self-esteem.

We might even feel entitled at times.

However,

This is usually at times of need such as grief and illness when we expect others to show empathy and care.

Then there is subtle narcissism.

You might know it as covert narcissism.

Now,

All narcissists have the same traits.

The difference lies in how these traits are exhibited.

The easiest way of differentiating between subtle,

Covert and overt is to think in terms of introverted and extroverted.

Although this description doesn't exactly fit,

It's an easier way of thinking about it.

Subtle narcissists are often passive-aggressive.

They use name-dropping.

They're guilting others about how much the narcissist has sacrificed themselves for them.

They use indirect boasting.

They show off their humanitarian acts to increase their status and image.

Martyrdom,

Neglect and disregard are also part of the subtle narcissist.

On the other end of the spectrum,

Of the higher end,

Is the malignant narcissist.

Malignant narcissists tend to be extremely antisocial.

They dehumanize others and have a very sadistic streak.

There's also a high rate of comorbidity with other disorders.

The issue with categorizing is that there are different ways of defining,

Diagnosing and categorizing narcissism.

My view is that every person is unique and narcissists cannot be put in one box,

For example covert,

And that's it.

Traits and behaviors can change and people can move up and down the spectrum.

In my practice,

I have also worked with narcissists and believe it or not,

Even though it is rare,

Some have actually recognized that they are narcissists and they decided to work on it.

But I have to tell you that these people were more on the lower end of narcissism.

Now let's talk about mothers,

Right?

All narcissists use the following five mechanisms.

The first one is guilting and shaming.

They will guilt you for not meeting all their needs.

They make you responsible for their failures.

They will shame you for who you are,

Sometimes for little habits we all have,

For the way you laugh or for what you say.

And you will have heard about gaslighting.

Gaslighting tries to destroy your sense of reality.

A narcissist might deny that something has happened.

They might say,

I don't remember that.

You are making this up.

Or how dare you accuse me of that?

They change history.

The goal is to make you feel like you're losing your mind.

You will lose your sense of sanity.

So you will need them to tell you what the reality is.

Love bombing is another one.

And this happens often in romantic relationships.

Usually when the narcissist moves into quickly,

Women with a history of narcissistic abuse,

Other vulnerabilities such as financial or low self-worth,

Low self-esteem,

As well as a wish for a family are especially vulnerable to this tactic.

If a narcissist's love bombs you,

They move in so quickly and so strongly that they want to overwhelm you.

Who doesn't wish for the prince,

Right?

And they try to be that or pretend to be that.

Of course they don't try to be that.

But that's the image that they want to convey.

We're so overwhelmed,

So taken by all their love that you don't really have any sense of figuring out their red flags.

And you become their prey.

Once they have you,

They will isolate you.

So isolation is another mechanism.

And this is to keep you away from others.

People who might rescue you,

Save you,

Might recognize what this person is up to.

This happens in every kind of relationship.

Narcissism is not just bound to parents and children or romantic relationships.

Narcissistic abuse can happen in all sorts of relationships.

It can be work,

It could be friendships,

It could be siblings.

Isolation means that they will slowly regain more and more power over you.

Your time and your independence.

They will take your independence away.

And then there is the stonewalling.

That's your typical salka.

And it's the kind of form of punishment that's geared towards causing huge insecurity.

Of course they don't tell you what you did wrong.

They let you guessing.

The goal is to make you worry about their withdrawal and potential loss so that you will put a lot of effort into trying to regain their trust and their love.

You will be too busy worrying about how you can stop them from sulking or how you might have hurt them in any way.

That you will not realize that actually this is a game.

This podcast is about mothers.

And here are the things a narcissistic mother might do.

And if you have a narcissistic mother I bet you you will have experienced some of these.

You will have experienced a lot of criticism.

A narcissistic mother never makes her child feel good enough.

That includes your partner,

Your friends and your children as well.

There are also very little boundaries.

So for example a narcissistic mother might show up unannounced at your door.

She might go through your stuff.

She might also divide.

That's the divide in conquer gay.

She will play family members against each other but also others to gain control of the individual.

She might overshare.

Everyone knows your business.

This is how she can keep tabs on you and at the same time keep you vulnerable and shame you.

Narcissistic mothers also have a great sense of entitlement.

They expect you to be there whenever she needs you.

Because you are her narcissistic supply.

I mentioned Nard Martyrdam earlier.

And that means that she boasts how much she has sacrificed for you.

To the outside world she is the perfect mother that does everything for her child.

And of course she is holier than thou.

She will accuse others of bullying when they disagree.

She will might post even sanctimonious quotes and messages on social media.

Plays the saint.

You know the kind of virtue signaling.

Narcissistic mothers also like to claim that children's success is theirs.

They will brag about your achievements and claim that it is because of her and her support.

But she will never praise you directly.

Do you recognize your mother in some of these?

Now how can you protect yourself from that?

There are three methods that I will introduce you to.

The first one is called the grey rock.

And that means you have to be boring.

Now let me go back a little bit.

Because actually the best method,

Especially if you have experienced trauma and every time you meet your narcissistic mother,

Especially if she is on the very high spectrum,

You get re-traumatized again.

So the best method,

If you have a very malignant narcissistic mother,

Is to cut ties.

But of course this is entirely your decision and it's not that simple is it?

Sometimes it can be,

Often it's not.

So here we are at the grey rock.

You have to be boring.

Narcissists thrive on drama.

Don't share anything private with a narcissist.

If they ask private questions,

Give a boring response or deflect.

Don't share anything that could aggravate them.

You just say you're fine,

Nothing happened,

I'm alright.

Then the second one is the medium chill.

And you have to train that a little bit.

You know the typical,

Well let's say don't show your emotions,

Buster Keaton face.

Narcissists thrive on making you feel something and getting a reaction out of you.

It gives them a sense of power over you.

Ha,

I made her sad,

I made her angry,

I got a reaction.

That's also part of their food,

The narcissistic supply.

Medium chill is the poker face.

And the third one,

That's the robot mode.

Or how I call it,

Observer mode.

We take a step back emotionally,

We take one foot out of the chaos.

Because wherever there's a narcissist there's chaos.

And let me tell you,

Chaos travels.

Starts with one person and then travels further and further and further.

It's a very negative effect.

Snowballs.

So of course you still feel whatever you feel.

But in observer mode you keep yourself emotionally at a distance by engaging thinking.

Observer mode is when you get curious.

Now she's doing the guilting,

Interesting.

Ah,

Now she's sulking.

Gives me the silent treatment.

Just be curious.

This is a social study and you are observing.

You're not in your emotions anymore,

You are in thinking.

But don't try to overthink.

Observe.

Every strategy has its limits.

Of course you are still exposed.

We cannot unhear things.

Whatever we are exposed to will have an effect on us.

You will still feel drained from interacting with a narcissist.

So you could engage in games because a narcissist is very very good in hooking you into games.

Especially if it's your parent because they know you very very well.

And they have a lot of years of training in being a narcissist.

There is a fine line between the three tactics and playing games.

It's easy to get drawn into one.

Lastly,

You really can't control what someone else hears.

No matter what you say,

There is never a guarantee that the narcissist won't interpret something the way they need to hear it.

This happens even with the healthiest people.

People project and sometimes they make you into someone they want you to be.

So remember,

Chaos travels.

If it smells like an invite into a game,

Just step out.

I hope you found this useful and I'm looking forward to meeting you at our next podcast.

Reviews

Wow… she laid out clearly issues I noticed about my mother and am struggling with. It felt validating to hear her describe things that align with my observations. Thank you so much!

Very helpful. My thoughts go out to those with narcissistic mothers. 🌸🌺🌸

Thank YOU!
Such clear, well explained information to add to my tool kit!
I am deeply grateful!

Interesting. Thank you.