When The Empath Meets The Narcissist

In this episode, we explore the painful disconnect that happens when deeply empathic people encounter narcissists. Why does it feel so confusing, familiar, and wounding—and how can you protect your heart without losing your empathy?

Transcript

Have you ever found yourself completely stunned by someone's lack of empathy?

Maybe you shared something vulnerable,

Something that deeply mattered to you,

And you were met with coldness,

Confusion,

Or even worse,

Complete indifference.

If you grew up with a narcissistic parent,

This experience may feel heartbreakingly familiar.

It's not just painful,

It's disorienting.

And today,

I want to explore with you why this happens,

Why it hits so hard,

And how to make sense of the present.

By the end of this talk,

I hope you will understand why highly empathic people often feel misunderstood or emotionally wounded when encountering cold or emotionally unavailable individuals.

I want you to see the pattern for what it is,

A repetition of early dynamics.

And I want you to begin to feel more grounded,

More validated,

And better equipped to protect your emotional energy without blaming yourself for caring deeply.

It's a beautiful thing to care deeply.

You are empathic by survival,

Not just nature.

Many people raised by narcissistic parents develop very high empathy,

Not because they were just born that way,

But because they had to be.

You likely learned early on to attune yourself to every shift in your parent's mood,

Every signal of tension or approval.

You became hyper-aware,

Emotionally observant,

And sensitive to others' needs because your emotional safety depended on it.

And this is called adaptive empathy.

It's a survival strategy that often grows into a core part of your identity.

However,

What was once necessary can later become the source of confusion and pain,

Especially when you meet people who operate very differently.

And when someone lacks empathy,

When they respond with cold logic,

Dismissiveness,

Or avoidance,

It can feel like hitting an emotional wall,

Especially if you're used to tuning in,

Connecting,

And reaching out emotionally.

And what's even more painful?

You often try to explain your side.

You hope they'll understand.

But they don't.

And they can't.

It's not because you're too much.

It's because they can't meet you there.

You are speaking in emotional language.

They are replying in disconnection,

Sometimes even in silence.

Let me give you an example.

It's like you're speaking French and they are speaking in binary code.

But just because they don't understand your language,

It doesn't mean your words or your pain aren't real.

And it's this experience of trying to emotionally connect with someone who can't or won't meet you,

Isn't new for many people raised by narcissistic parents.

It's a repetition.

Back then,

You may have tried to make your parent understand you.

You hoped they'd see your pain,

Feel your joy,

Notice when something was wrong.

But they didn't.

Or they twisted it.

And now,

Here you are again.

Emotionally fluent in a room full of people who don't speak your language.

Here's another example.

You express how hurt you are about a conflict and the other person responds with,

Ah,

You're overreacting.

Or you try to show care and they call it too intense and push you away.

This pain isn't just present.

Yes,

It is historical.

And this isn't only about this moment.

It's about every moment that came before it.

Every time you reached out as a child and were met with a blank stare of criticism.

Your nervous system remembers what it felt like to be dismissed,

Unseen,

Unheard.

That's why it feels so raw now.

There's a fundamental mismatch that can exist between people who are deeply empathic and those who lack that capacity.

And this isn't about one being better than the other,

But the consequences,

They are real.

Empathic people often explain,

Hoping for connection.

Non-empathic people often interpret this as over-explaining,

Over-sharing or even drama.

It's like standing in front of someone holding your heart in your hands and they don't even notice it's bleeding.

Let's talk about what you can do when you feel this disconnect.

First of all,

You need to name what's happening.

You need to tell yourself that this is an empathy mismatch.

This person can't meet me emotionally.

It's not about me being too much.

It's about us not speaking the same language.

And then you stop explaining.

When you find yourself trying harder to be understood than they are trying to understand you,

It's simply time to stop.

Your emotional truth doesn't need their validation to be real.

It's also important to validate yourself first.

You can write down your feelings,

You can speak them aloud,

Because you're not wrong for feeling deeply.

And also,

You are not wrong for caring.

Choose where you spend your energy,

Because not everyone is capable of giving you emotional resonance.

That doesn't make you defective,

It just means you need to be more selective.

And for your emotional well-being,

You need to reconnect with people who feel like emotional home.

Those who get it without you needing to explain.

And those who can sit with you in your emotion rather than back away from it.

So let me tell you this truth.

Your empathy?

Nah,

That's not a flaw.

It's actually a strength.

But it is a strength that needs to be protected.

If you keep handing it to people who cannot receive it,

You will only feel depleted.

So the next time you feel the sting of someone's coldness,

You have to remember,

It's not about intensity,

It's about their inability.

And you don't have to keep speaking the language of empathy to people who have no intention of learning it.

Let me tell you this again.

You do not have to keep speaking the language of empathy to people who have no intention of learning it.

If this spoke to something you felt but didn't know how to name,

Please share it.

Let's normalize the experience of growing up emotionally fluent in environments that couldn't hear us,

And learning how to protect that fluency today.

You deserve to be understood.

You deserve to be mirrored.

And until you are,

I hope that this space can be one where you will feel seen.

I am always grateful for emails,

For messages,

For suggestions and questions.

So please do get in touch.

Reviews

I love when I am starting my day and learn something new especially when it is about myself 💝 Thank you✨️

Helpful talk, helpful reset of perspective. Thank you! 🌷

Thank you for simply explaining concepts I have struggled to define in my head for decades!

✨🙏✨

This message was right on time for me. Protecting and embracing my empathic self is a gift.❤️ Thank you Martha ❤️

Martha, this is SOOOO good a talk💐❣️ Thank you tremendously 🙏🏻💝 I love that takeaway : not to waste your energy on trying to explain in your empathic language, to someone who has the inability or drive to understand that language. 💜 You explain & understand, see & care deeply & for that, I’m immensely grateful❣️🥰