Healing Without Closure From The Narcissist

In this episode, we explore the journey of healing when closure isn’t possible. Whether it’s an apology, explanation, or acknowledgment that never comes, we discuss why we seek closure, the impact of not receiving it, and how to reclaim your power. Learn practical strategies to validate your own experience, release dependence on others for closure, and find peace within yourself.

Transcript

Welcome to Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse with me,

Martha Curtis.

And today we will be talking about healing without closure,

Moving forward when you don't get answers.

When you have been in a very chaotic,

Very toxic relationship,

Maybe you have grown up with narcissistic parents,

Closure is something that you might be longing for.

That might look like a final conversation,

An apology or even just an explanation to help you understand why this person or those people have hurt you.

But what happens when closure is not possible,

When that apology never comes or this person is unwilling or maybe unable to give you those answers you seek?

In this episode we will talk about it and how to heal and move forward.

And I say without closure,

But actually,

But actually I got you there because there will be closure.

It's just not what you are thinking.

So this episode you will learn to reclaim your peace and power by not being dependent on receiving closure from someone else.

My first question for you is,

What is closure to you?

How would you define closure?

Is it an apology?

Is it an acknowledgement?

What is it for you?

Give yourself a few seconds to ponder that.

What is that really for you?

We often see closure as a resolution that we seek to make sense.

Sense of pain,

Sense of loss,

Sense of harm.

And for closure,

A lot of people think they rely on an external validation.

There's that word again,

Validation.

That someone will acknowledge their actions,

That they will offer an explanation or that they offer some kind of emotional reconciliation.

But you might be experiencing this right now.

Closure is not always possible,

At least not the way you would like it to be,

Especially in cases of estrangement or narcissistic abuse or unresolved conflict.

I'd like to talk to you first about why do we really seek closure?

And you have your own reasons for seeking closure.

But there are some,

Well,

Emotional roots in this,

Right?

And psychological.

And for one,

It's that need for understanding.

Our brain just doesn't like question marks.

That's how we have evolved,

Right?

That's why we are building rockets to go into space,

Because we want to know.

We are very curious creatures.

We want to have answers.

And that's actually a very powerful strength,

But sometimes,

Sometimes it can become a trap.

And that seeking closure,

That can be a very big trap that can keep you in that loop with this abusive person.

And our brains are simply,

They are wired to seek explanations.

And those unanswered questions that you might be carrying inside you,

They can create these mental loops,

Because you're trying to solve the situation.

And you keep on trying,

You keep on asking,

You keep on reaching out,

And you're trying to explain,

Maybe they will get it this time.

Maybe if I just talk to them one more time,

Maybe if I give them time,

Like one week,

And then I reach out again,

Maybe then I will get something.

Maybe if I write them this letter,

Or that email,

Maybe then,

Maybe if I ask my friends to ask them,

So then you could step into this triangulation mess,

Right?

Maybe,

Maybe then,

Oh,

If I read a hundred books about narcissism,

And maybe I sent them one of those books that talk about closure,

Or whatever it is,

Maybe they will read it,

Maybe they will understand,

Maybe they will give me all of this.

There's a lot of maybes in my podcast,

You will hear a lot of examples of maybes,

Because that's what keeps a lot of people hooked.

And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships,

I'm also talking about friendships,

Because you might have a friend who suddenly ends your friendship,

And there is no relation,

There was no explanation,

And they've just disappeared from the face of the earth,

And you think,

Wow,

They're not reaching out,

Or suddenly they start hanging out with other people,

And you want to know,

Have you done something wrong?

Have you offended them in some way?

What happened?

And you start looking for things inside you that you might be lacking,

Maybe I'm not a good enough friend,

Maybe I don't have enough worth to hang out with them,

And yeah,

And then you're really deep down that rabbit hole again.

But does that sound familiar?

I bet it does,

Because I hear it a lot,

And it's very common,

And you're not alone with that.

Now,

Another reason why we might be seeking closure is this desire for justice,

Especially if you're somebody who is very empathic.

Justice is extremely important to you,

Fairness is very,

Very important to you,

And so you feel that closure will restore that sense of fairness,

That sense of justice,

That an apology will acknowledge the harm that has been caused to you.

Let's take cheating for an example.

Maybe you have caught your partner cheating,

And you have all the evidence in front of you,

And you confront them,

And they just won't admit it.

It's gaslighting as well,

By the way.

You won't admit it,

So if they don't admit it,

There's nothing to apologize for,

So there is no closure.

Maybe that relationship has ended,

But then you find out,

Okay,

They have done something,

There was some kind of betrayal.

First of all,

Narcissistic people,

They don't hold themselves accountable,

They don't take responsibility for their actions,

So you are asking them for something they don't have.

A partner who,

For example,

Cheated and doesn't take responsibility will leave you feeling invalidated.

I understand.

And then,

Of course,

Another reason why people seek closure is because there is a hope for reconnection.

Sometimes people search for closure,

And this closure marks a deeper hope for a repair of that relationship.

Because if they just understood what they have done,

And they apologize,

Then that means that they will have understood what they did,

So they will have learned,

They will have grown,

So maybe then there is a chance that we can start all over again.

When you are seeking closure,

Desperately seeking closure,

And make it dependent on the other person,

You are again hooked on hope.

And hope is a wonderful strength,

But sometimes it's also a trap.

There is a big,

Big problem with waiting for closure,

And one is that you are giving away your power.

When you rely on someone else for closure,

You hand them control over your healing.

So imagine somebody has hurt you,

Sometimes really terribly hurt you,

They might have traumatized you,

So they already asserted power over you in a very harmful way,

And now you are giving them a gift.

You are giving them a gift,

And that gift is that space,

That offering,

That generosity,

Because it is generous to open yourself up for someone's explanation.

Imagine you harm someone,

And you harm them in a big way,

It has left a big,

Big scar.

If that person is willing to hear you explain and apologize for what you have done,

That is a privilege,

Because when big harm happens,

A lot of people move away,

They see this is dangerous,

This person is dangerous for my emotional,

My psychological well-being,

I need to remove myself.

So even if,

You know,

If I let this person explain themselves doesn't mean that I have to tolerate it,

I have to stay in touch with them.

So you need to understand that whenever you are giving somebody the opportunity to explain themselves and to apologize,

That is actually also a privilege that you are giving them,

And I bet you haven't thought about it this way.

You rather think,

Oh I hope they give me something,

Because maybe at this point you are used to being bread crumbed,

Just getting those little tiny bits that just allow you to hang on,

And you're kind of starved and you're hungry and you want something,

But you're waiting for them to throw you a little tiny bone,

A little tiny bread crumb.

And when you give somebody the power over you by allowing them that privilege of explaining themselves,

What you are actually doing is,

Hey,

I'm dependent on you.

You're saying,

Not in those words,

But you are giving them the message that you are dependent on them.

You are dependent on their goodwill,

And if somebody has harmed you,

Oftentimes in a really significant way,

Or traumatized you,

Why are you looking for their goodwill?

Why are you waiting for their goodwill?

If somebody has traumatized you,

If they have traumatized you willingly,

Why are you waiting for their goodwill?

I bet you that you are somebody who has a lot of empathy,

And if you harmed someone you would straight away apologize.

You will want to understand,

And you would try to explain to them and help them understand why you did it,

And you want to have a dialogue and you will want to work things out.

But you need to stop to measure people in your own empathy standards.

Because by now,

If you have found yourself in a relationship like this,

You have allowed them to get away with a lot of hurtful things already.

And you know why?

In that instance,

Your empathy has allowed them to continue harming you.

And yet you are hoping that they have the same level of empathy as you have.

Let me tell you right now,

It is not going to happen,

Or at least it's extremely unlikely.

Some people simply can't or won't give closure.

Narcissistic individuals or emotionally unavailable people may never provide the validation or the answers you seek.

For several reasons.

One reason is because they don't want to.

If they are on the higher end of the spectrum,

They might well know what they have done,

What they are doing,

And they just don't want to.

Because why?

They don't owe you an apology or an explanation in their eyes?

No.

Because then they would be giving you some of that power back.

But no.

Having power?

Hey,

That's what they live on.

So why would they give you that closure?

Because if they don't give you that closure and you keep hanging on,

They might already be in a different relationship.

But maybe that ends,

That supply runs out,

So they might want to hoover you up again at some point in the future.

So they keep that closure trap open for you.

And then at some point,

Maybe when their supply runs out,

They might give you a little bit more hope on that closure.

They give you like a little and then they use it to reconnect with you.

That triggers your hope and then you've been hoovered up and you find yourself in that cycle again.

Maybe like some love bombing in the beginning and slowly,

Slowly,

Slowly,

Slowly,

Slowly,

They are diminishing what you are saying.

They are making you feel like you're not enough or that something is wrong with you.

And then you are trapped in this old cycle again.

You're trying to please them and so on.

You know how this continues.

And I mentioned earlier the fact that for somebody who's narcissistic,

Given an explanation or given closure doesn't make sense because they give away their power.

They might well understand why they are doing it and that they are doing it.

But some people might not.

So for some people,

If they lack emotional intelligence or emotional literacy,

They might not even know exactly how to put the things they are doing into words.

They simply do not have those words.

And I have seen that in couple therapy where the other partner was actually not narcissistic,

But they just did not have that emotional intelligence or that emotional literacy,

Usually both,

To explain the inner process why they are doing certain things.

Now,

I know what you might be doing now.

So don't you dare going down that route because you might be thinking,

Oh,

Maybe they're not a narcissist.

And then maybe if I just teach them some emotional literacy,

Maybe then we can reconcile.

No,

Just stop.

Because what happens a lot in relationships that are abusive is that the target of the toxic person tries to help them.

It might have tried,

Oh,

I need to explain to them,

I need to teach them.

And now you think,

Maybe if I introduce something here,

Explain something to them,

Maybe then I will give them the skill of explaining things.

Or maybe I can make them see what they are doing.

Maybe they're just lacking that emotional intelligence.

Don't go down that route.

This is a grown up person.

And whether they have that emotional literacy or not,

Doesn't matter.

Because the moment we say to someone,

Hey,

What you are doing to me,

It's hurting me,

We are giving them a choice.

They can say,

Oh,

I don't understand what I've done.

Can you explain to me,

Please?

Right,

That would be all right.

And then they work on things,

And then they will understand.

Or they dismiss you.

So that choice,

Or by not doing something,

That is also a choice.

So you have given them the choice.

Chances are you have already given them a choice.

And they have decided not to work on things.

They decided not to be curious.

Or maybe they hooked you with that,

Maybe that possibility that they might be curious in the future,

Just not now.

You see,

Those are those little hooks that you might still be carrying,

That are still hooked into you,

Or that you have hooked into them and you need to let go.

But like I say,

Sometimes people lack that emotional literacy.

They might have grown up in families where emotions weren't allowed,

Or only certain emotions.

So they were maybe allowed to be happy or angry,

But they were not allowed to be sad or whatever it was.

Or there was just no no talk about emotions.

And so they have never learned that.

But again,

You can't be this person's therapist.

If you have said that they have hurt you,

And they have not done anything about it,

They have not talked to you,

They have not shown any kind of interest,

They have not started working on things,

Maybe gone to therapy,

Etc.

Then there's your answer.

At best,

What you might get is a dismissal.

It could be,

Oh,

You're overreacting.

Or a fake apology.

And you will have heard about this,

I'm sure.

It's that,

I'm sorry you feel this way.

That's not an apology.

And sometimes they will even attack you back.

How dare you?

How dare you expect anything?

And they might also then play victim,

Depending on,

Well,

Maybe sometimes,

You know,

You're dealing with a covert narcissist.

And,

Oh,

You're always being so hard on me.

You always find something to argue about.

You're always doing this.

You always make me feel bad.

And then you want an apology for something,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

So you see,

A so-called closure isn't always satisfying.

Because if you get a non-apology,

Or even something like,

I'm sorry if I hurt you,

It can still feel unresolved,

Right?

Because it might not be that explanation of an apology that you were really looking for.

You might be saying now,

But Martha,

I really,

Really,

Really want an apology.

I deserve it.

I really deserve it.

When you have that strength,

That that acknowledgement of yourself,

That yes,

You know,

I do deserve it.

Yes,

You do deserve an apology.

You deserve an explanation,

But you will most likely not get it.

Or you will not get the one that you were hoping for.

You might get one,

Maybe in 10,

20 years,

Or a few years,

If,

If this person has worked on themselves.

But are you going to wait?

Are you going to,

How much more are you going to give this person?

You're giving them one opportunity after another,

One privilege after another privilege.

Imagine there's a supermarket,

But not the kind you know.

You are offering something.

You are offering your own dignity to someone,

Right?

And this person goes along and you say,

Hey,

Hey,

Hey,

Super special offer here.

My time.

Would you like my time,

Please?

And they were,

Nah,

Forget about it.

No,

Not interested.

How about my self-respect?

Would you like my self-respect?

Hang on a minute.

Hang on.

Don't keep walking on.

I have another special offer.

How about my love?

How about my care?

Hang on.

Hang on.

Still not interested.

Maybe I can give you some of my life energy,

Some of my life force.

How about now?

Maybe now,

Maybe now it's,

It's,

It's,

It's okay.

It's just an explanation.

That's all.

That's the,

That's the currency that,

That you can pay with.

And I give you all my dignity,

My self-respect,

My time.

How about that?

I,

I give you all of them together for,

For maybe a bread crumb.

How about,

How about a bread crumb?

I'll give you those for a bread crumb.

You would not be that salesperson,

Right?

But maybe right now you are,

And that needs to stop.

You are not that special offer that has been reduced to the absolute bare bones physically and emotionally and psychologically.

Okay.

It will sound very cheesy what I'm going to say now,

But rather than special offer,

You are that person.

The lot of other people,

A lot of whom you might not have even met yet,

Desire to be in their life.

There are people who are,

Or will desire your friendship.

They will desire your love,

Your partnership,

Your companionship.

You might not believe that right now.

Maybe you are at this point where you don't have that self-worth yet.

You don't have that self-love yet.

That will come,

That will come.

And I will help you with that.

But you are actually giving people the privilege to being around you.

And those people need to have the same values,

The same level of empathy as you.

Because otherwise it's like this slow puncture.

Your energy,

Your,

Your time,

Everything just slowly disappears.

And we don't want that to happen.

So you really,

Really,

Really need to acknowledge the other person's limitations.

And whether these limitations are because they don't know how to apologize,

They have lack of self-awareness,

Or because they just feel like,

Nope,

I don't want to give them an explanation or a closure,

Or maybe because they want to use that in the future to hoover you up again.

You need to acknowledge the limitations.

And here's the word empowerment.

You need to empower yourself to move forward.

And it is to recognize that closure is not something others give you.

It is something you create for yourself.

Let me repeat that.

Let me repeat that for you.

Closure is not something others give you.

It is something that you create for yourself.

In that very moment,

Even when you realize,

And I really hope that right now as I'm telling you this,

If you're not already there,

That you are now starting,

At least starting to accept that,

That yes,

That is in you.

The moment you realize,

Oh my God,

I can give myself that closure.

What,

Are you saying?

What?

When you realize that,

All of a sudden you can feel that power coming back into your body.

And I hear from a lot of clients that sometimes this visceral experience,

They say,

Oh God,

There's something happening inside me right now.

And I don't know,

I feel different.

It is because right now you are actually,

It's like inhaling something really healthy,

This clean,

Crisp air.

And so you're re-inhaling,

Re-soaking yourself in into this power that was always yours to begin with.

You're reclaiming that,

Right?

So you're powering yourself just by understanding what the truth is.

You're understanding the truth that you create closure for yourself.

And in this very moment,

You have taken away that power from the other person,

Simply by understanding and accepting the truth that you have the power to give yourself closure.

And you most likely have been stuck in this grieving cycle.

You have been grieving,

It's this prolonged grieving for not getting the closure,

Because you want to move forward.

Maybe you really want to move forward.

You know that there is no point in being around this person anymore,

That you will never have that relationship that you were hoping for with this person.

So you're grieving and you kept yourself,

You kept yourself and they have kept you stuck in this space of prolonged grieving.

And yes,

It's really important to allow yourself to feel this sadness.

But you know what?

Stages of grief,

Whether you believe in them or not,

At some point you will feel anger.

Maybe you have already been there,

You felt angry because you were so frustrated.

Why don't they get it?

It's so obvious,

Why don't they get it?

Let me tell you,

Maybe you are asking someone who only understands very simple arithmetic to do a very complex statistical analysis for you.

Not going to happen,

Believe me.

But that anger that you allow yourself to feel will be a moving force for you.

I am not talking about rage,

I'm not talking about screaming at them and,

You know,

Stalking them or anything.

No,

Please don't do that.

But allow yourself to feel that anger.

Don't be consumed by anger.

Just use it in a very motivating way.

And forget about quotes,

You know,

That tell you that anger is no good,

Let go of it.

No,

Because that means that you are,

That you don't acknowledge a very basic human emotion.

It is part of us.

Just like positive emotions are part of us,

The negative,

The unpleasant ones are also,

We also have shadow sides.

And sometimes you might have felt,

Man,

I just want to,

I just want to pay them back.

Forget about that,

Okay?

Just think about,

Okay,

Now I'm feeling angry.

How dare they waste my,

How dare they?

And that is a really,

Really good and healthy reaction.

So once you realize that closure that you,

That you,

That you wanted from them that will never come,

And you allow yourself to grieve,

And then at some point you feel angry because how dare they not give you that closure.

And then you maybe might even feel a bit angry at yourself because you think,

How did I let myself down by giving someone so much power?

So if you're in that place,

I want you to stop for a second because you have been manipulated.

You cannot be angry at yourself about being manipulated because the whole point of manipulation is that you don't realize that you have been manipulated.

Yeah,

So please don't get angry at yourself because you have been manipulated,

Even if this is not the first time this has happened.

This might be a pattern because it goes back to earlier relationships or how you grew up,

And you can work through all of this.

But allow yourself to feel angry.

It's really empowering to allow yourself to feel the full range of emotion.

Just don't let them take over how,

You know,

How you are in life,

How you show up for yourself because it can also,

If you give too much power to anger,

It can run away with itself and it can turn into rage.

That's really important.

But throw away those sanctimonious quotes and people saying,

Let go of all anger.

No,

It's a tool,

And once you've acknowledged it,

You felt it,

It will automatically go away.

And if you feel that it's turning into something unhealthy,

Then you work on it and you will grow as a person.

Acknowledging the loss of the closure,

The way you believed it had to happen,

Releases that expectation and it releases,

Actually,

That grief for it.

You need to learn to practice self-validation.

And that means that you have to trust your experience.

And sometimes that means also testing reality,

Whether with a therapist or loved ones who want to support you and help you.

You need to trust your experience.

You do not need someone else to confirm your reality,

But you can ask somebody to check reality with you if they want to support you.

Again,

Therapist,

Loved ones or support groups.

Now,

Your feelings and perceptions are absolutely valid.

That's it.

There's no more to say.

They are valid and that's that.

It might just look like saying to yourself,

What they did was hurtful and I don't need their acknowledgement to know it was wrong.

It felt wrong.

You know it felt wrong,

It feels wrong in your body when you think about it.

We have this body intelligence.

Sometimes our body knows before our mind has even realized what is happening.

Something might have felt wrong in your gut and you need to learn to trust that.

You might have learned not to trust your body.

Maybe you have never learned to trust your body or maybe in that relationship you will have started to question your own sensations,

Your experiences,

Well your reality and maybe your sanity.

So one step is to focus on your self-validation.

And of course I am stating the obvious here.

You have to practice self-compassion.

A lot of people are angry with themselves.

How did I waste so many years with this person?

Or how have I allowed them?

I said that before.

What you need to be doing is,

You need to be kind to yourself.

Because you have endured pain,

You don't want to add more pain to it by being angry with yourself,

By punishing yourself.

It will not do you any good.

And one way of doing that is simply by distancing yourself from that.

Reflect on how you would comfort a friend in your situation and then offer that same compassion to yourself.

So think about it.

Just think about the facts.

What has happened?

And now imagine this has happened to your friend.

Would you say to them the things you are telling yourself right now?

I don't think so.

So how would you comfort them?

And I'm not talking about this there-there kind of comfort.

You will have heard from people things like,

Ah it's gonna be okay,

Ah it's not that bad,

Ah you'll be fine.

Well,

How do you know?

When somebody says that to me,

I always ask them,

How do you know?

And then they look at me with big eyes.

And because,

You know,

What's really important is that you need to gather evidence.

And so when you give somebody comfort,

You need to back it up.

It's nice to hear,

Yeah you'll be fine,

I'm here for you,

And all that.

But you actually need to provide evidence.

You know why and all that you will be okay?

Because I've seen you struggle through things,

And I've seen you overcome things,

And then you need to give specific examples.

And you have to do that for yourself.

You can write down when you say to yourself,

That's why again I go on about affirmations sometimes,

When people give themselves affirmations,

That is great.

That's all good,

But maybe you have an inner critic.

Maybe you have internalized the abuser's voice that will say,

Look at you,

Silly,

Telling yourself some affirmations.

Do you really think that's true?

So what you need to do is,

You need to give yourself evidence.

So you write those affirmations down if you want.

Maybe you have a list of affirmations that you have downloaded from somewhere.

And I want you to really look at the evidence.

When you say that you are loved,

Give evidence.

You think,

Whoa,

That's a tough one,

Hang on a minute.

Everyone is deserving of love and so on.

Or,

Oh,

Hang on,

I have no friends,

I have no family.

I'm estranged from everyone.

I'm right now,

I don't have anyone.

Yeah,

Really?

So think about just one interaction you had with someone.

And it can be completely tiny.

You might have just received a smile from someone at the bus stop.

Or maybe your cat or your dog came up for you for a cuddle.

That's it.

That's it.

That's evidence,

Okay?

So gather evidence.

If you do affirmations,

Always,

Always write the evidence.

And if you have a very negative self-view of yourself,

This will be an extremely hard exercise because you might not be able to think of any evidence.

So,

What you can do is,

You can ask someone you know to provide evidence for those affirmations that you want to tell yourself.

Ask someone who cares about you to write down the evidence.

I could say so much more about this,

But that's for another episode.

So,

This is the plug.

I need to say,

Okay,

Just subscribe to this podcast and you get notifications every time they come around.

Oh,

We're talking more about these kind of techniques.

But you really need to rewrite your own narrative.

You need to take ownership of your own story because you have given or you have,

It has been stolen from you,

Right?

You might feel like you have given this to the other person,

But actually they have stolen it.

They have not returned it.

We might give something to someone and then we hope that they will value it and then they will treat it well,

But sometimes,

No,

It's like lending a book.

And maybe you have lent a book to a friend and you receive it back and they have put markings in the book,

They have underlined things,

Maybe there are a few pages missing,

Or maybe you don't receive that book back.

If it's a book,

That's already kind of disappointing,

Right?

But when it is actually your psyche,

Your love,

Your understanding of who you are as a person,

That's a whole different story.

So,

Instead of focusing on what they did,

You can focus on how you have grown because there's post-traumatic growth.

Whenever there's abuse,

There is exploitation,

That is a traumatic experience.

And where there is trauma,

There is also the possibility of post-traumatic growth.

Now,

You are here,

You are listening to this podcast,

So guess what you are doing?

You are showing up for yourself right now.

You have showed up for yourself.

So,

What strengths can you see right now in yourself,

Just listening to this podcast?

Well,

Let me tell you,

Your love of learning,

That's a huge strength.

It's powerful.

Your curiosity,

You want to know,

Right?

If you learn things,

You know things,

You can apply things,

You can change things.

And you are also using your strength of perspective.

Even just by opening up to different perspectives,

You are using your strength of perspective.

Let me tell you about another strength that you're showing right now.

You are showing hope.

You have clicked on play on this podcast because you had,

Even if it's just a tiny little glimpse of hope,

A hope that maybe I will hear something that I really need to hear.

Well,

I hope that you have.

So,

You have shown the strength of hope.

And here is a strength that you are showing where you think,

Oh,

Come on,

Martha,

Now you're reaching.

You have shown right now,

You are showing it right now,

The strength of leadership.

Yes.

You think,

What,

Leadership?

Well,

Isn't that something you use at work or as a boss or politics or whatever?

No.

No.

Because you have shown,

You have shown agency.

You haven't allowed someone else to do something for you,

Take something for you,

Give you permission to do something.

No,

You have made an executive choice.

I am going to listen to something that will allow me to grow.

That is also leadership.

You have taken,

You have taken a step by yourself.

That as well is leadership.

It doesn't mean leadership over other people.

It is leadership over your own life,

Leadership over your own growth.

Okay.

You want to hear some more?

Let me give you some more strengths.

Oh,

And maybe it is really hard for you to hear these strengths right now.

And maybe this inner critic is doing overtime and it's trying to tell you,

No,

No,

No,

It's not like this.

But what about that when you did this?

That's not this.

That's not leadership.

That's not hope.

That's not.

Yeah.

Let the inner critic just take a seat back and chillax and listen to the next strength that I'm going to give you.

And I can keep going.

So the next strength that you are showing right now in this very moment is bravery.

And the VAIA Institute on Character,

You know how they define bravery?

And that is based on research,

Really good peer-reviewed research.

Bravery is acting on your convictions,

Facing threats,

Challenges,

Difficulties,

Pains,

Despite your doubts and fears.

Right.

So you're showing up just by listening to this podcast.

And that means that you open yourself up to being challenged.

You open yourself up to hearing something you might not want to hear because it's painful.

It's painful to acknowledge.

It's painful to accept that you might never get this closure from another person.

But what happens is it's also that acknowledgement that you have the power to give yourself that closure.

And what does that lead to?

When there have been maybe these moments while listening to me talking,

Maybe you have,

You know,

You have realized,

Oh,

Yeah,

I did something.

Or maybe,

Yeah,

This is how I talk to myself.

So you're using your strength of honesty or being honest with yourself about what has happened,

What you are doing right now.

See,

I can keep going.

And maybe,

Maybe,

And I really hope that you're using your strength of gratitude.

Of course,

Your gratitude for this podcast.

I really hope so.

But gratitude for yourself right now,

As I'm telling you this,

For showing up for yourself.

So you might be using right now,

You might be feeling it deep inside you,

That strength of gratitude for showing up.

This is what you're doing.

You're learning,

You're empowering yourself.

That's amazing.

And yeah,

Let's keep going.

So now you'll feel grateful for showing up.

And maybe you'll feel grateful for me doing this podcast.

So what are you doing?

You're showing yourself kindness.

By showing up,

You show yourself kindness.

I'm doing something for myself.

I'm giving myself some time to do something nice for myself,

Which is growth,

Which is learning.

And of course,

Kindness leads to love,

Self-love.

It's an act of self-love.

When we allow ourselves to grow,

It's an act of self-love.

When we realize,

I don't need anyone else's validation.

It's an act.

I want it.

That's different,

But I don't need it.

It's an act of self-love to break free from that cycle,

From that trap of expecting closure from someone else.

Maybe you're not at the beginning of your journey.

Maybe you were somewhere halfway there,

Or maybe you were even towards the end.

Maybe you have healed,

But maybe you had a bit of a,

I don't know,

Sometimes,

You know,

You think you're there and then something triggers you and those old feelings come back.

Let me tell you yet another strength and that's perseverance.

You kept going and you will continue to keep going,

But it won't be that fight anymore.

It won't be that struggle anymore.

At some point,

It will be just that distant memory of what has happened and you will feel different about it.

It won't be triggering anymore.

It will be just that thing that has happened in the past.

So I could keep going,

But I won't,

Because I want to keep to like about an hour max with this podcast,

But I could be going on for hours.

So let's talk about the next thing and that is shifting from why to what now,

Because the why can be another hook.

I think it is really important to understand why things have happened,

You know,

But like I said in previous podcasts,

Narcissism,

Once you see it,

Once you understand it,

It is actually very simple and because it is so different to how your brain is,

We get hooked and of course it is our way of survival.

If I understand how the enemy works,

I can keep myself safe.

Well,

You can do that without having an answer to chaos.

Sometimes that is just what it is.

Where there is narcissism,

There is chaos and chaos travels.

And right now,

You are removing yourself from that chaos.

Imagine narcissism as a tornado and you might be in the eye of the tornado.

You might really get sucked into it and swirled around in it and you lose your sense of reality,

Of sanity even.

And then you have removed yourself and you just feel the outside winds a little bit.

Exactly that.

That is what is happening.

When you stop thinking about why did it happen and what can I do to heal and more importantly to thrive.

Again,

That is for another podcast.

But I give you a few tools,

Very simple tools that you will have heard about and one is an obvious one and that is journaling.

And you can write unsent letters to that person who hurt you and you can say everything you wish you could tell them or that you might have told them but they just didn't hear you.

You can write it down and then you let it go.

Oh come on Martha,

I can't let that go.

How am I gonna let go?

Give it time.

Write those things down.

At least you have given yourself some kind of release.

What I sometimes recommend is record voice notes to yourself.

Yeah,

To yourself.

If something comes up for you,

Get your phone out and leave a very encouraging,

Loving,

Empowering voice message for yourself.

It's that simple.

And then label it something else.

Listen to when you have self-doubt or listen when you are sad about xyz and then listen to it.

And you will greet yourself with your name.

Right,

So you say hi and then your name and then you will leave this loving voice message as if you are leaving it to a friend of yours or family member,

Somebody you love.

It's that simple.

Even if you don't feel that self-love yet but you leave yourself a message.

And add truth.

Not empty affirmations but truth and evidence.

I know you're capable of this because you have shown certain strengths already such as.

And then you give the evidence.

So you step back.

You're feeling something.

You have one foot in your emotions and the other foot in just being objective.

You're looking at your own situation from the outside and you leave yourself a voice message.

Or maybe you want to write a letter to yourself.

It doesn't always have to be a letter or a message to the abuser.

It can be something very nurturing and loving for yourself.

Also take care of your nervous system.

Learn to ground yourself.

Learn breathing techniques like the 4-4-6.

So when you find yourself triggered what you can do is you can put your feet firmly on the ground.

You can press them into the ground just to feel how firm it is.

And you can feel the touch points between your body and the surface you are sitting on.

And you breathe in through your nose to the count of four.

You hold to the count of four.

You exhale through your mouth to the count of six.

Or eight if you can do it.

At least six.

You hold for two and then you repeat the cycle.

Not for too long.

I don't want you to get dizzy.

And also make sure if you're asthmatic.

You know maybe don't do that.

Do something else.

But this is something you can do.

You can longer exhales than inhales.

This is how you can calm your nervous system down.

It's very very simple.

Whenever you're triggered find your safe space in breath.

Or maybe it's things like coloring or listening to some beautiful music.

Something that transports you back to a happy memory.

It might be cooking something for yourself that's very nurturing.

Maybe something your grandmother used to make.

And it reminds you of her loving home.

Whatever it is do something really nurturing.

Very grounding.

Even just a walk in nature.

When we experience the sense of awe that's very important.

Because we connect with something that's bigger than ourselves.

And a lot of research have shown that this can actually increase.

Just the experience of awe can increase inflammation in our body.

How amazing is that?

And some people find it useful to create a ritual of release.

And that might be that letter that you wrote to the other person.

And then burning it or just shredding it and putting it into recycling.

Or maybe you will find it useful to see a therapist who has experience at working with complex PTSD.

Or experience working with narcissistic abuse.

And there are a lot of therapies you can try.

Such as EMDR or some talking therapies.

There's neurofeedback that hopefully soon will be also more and more common.

So you can seek that support.

Or even just doing something that helps your body.

Because we carry a lot of tension in our bodies.

So even doing something such as dancing or yoga.

Because yoga has proven to show an increase in the ability to regulate our emotions.

So in self-regulation.

What I'm really saying is you need to redirect your energy towards growth.

And revenge,

Let me tell you this,

Is not growth.

Okay?

It's not getting that new haircut.

I mean it's great.

Do that.

Please do that.

If you want it gives you joy.

Growth is simply doing activities that bring you joy,

Meaning and self-improvement.

So something,

An opportunity to learn things about yourself.

Such as listening to this podcast and other episodes or reading books.

But again,

Don't lose yourself in it.

Right?

Do something completely unrelated.

It could be learning a new language.

Something where you can improve your or reclaim your self-esteem and your sense of self-worth.

Shift your focus to growth.

That could be also visioning.

Visioning you in the future.

Very soon you start feeling those long-term benefits of healing.

Well,

I'm not saying healing without closure.

But healing without the closure from someone else.

But you will be giving yourself that closure.

So when I start and I said healing without closure,

You will give yourself that closure.

And one of the benefits is also emotional independence.

You will be learning and you are learning and maybe you have already partly learned to heal without external validation.

And that will strengthen your resilience and your self-trust.

Right now,

In this very moment,

You are reclaiming your power.

You are letting go of the need to receive closure from the other person.

You are freeing yourself from the hold this other person has over you.

Not just your emotions,

But over you,

Over your time,

Over your energy.

And that fosters inner peace.

You are shifting your focus from the past to the present.

Grounding yourself.

And that also then allows you to work towards your future.

You are more hopeful about your future.

You actually might even get really excited about what's to come.

You might feel excited about that time when you don't feel anything anymore.

Or at least,

You know,

You feel some kind of regret or some sadness about it.

But that's okay.

You just accept your emotions for what it is.

And at some point,

There might even be indifference.

Healing without an explanation or an apology by the other person or people,

Sometimes it's a group,

Might not be that easy.

But it is possible.

And I want you to remember that you don't need someone else's permission to move forward.

Closure doesn't have to come from them.

It can come from within you.

And ideally,

That's what will happen.

So by letting go of unanswered questions and focusing on your own growth,

You can find your peace and you can reclaim your power.

So let me ask you,

What is one small step that you can take after listening to this podcast to release the need for closure by that other person and focus on your healing?

What is that one thing?

And if you have given yourself closure,

How did you do it?

Let me know.

If you have questions,

I always welcome them.

And I hope to see you next week for another episode.

Until then,

Lots of love.

And hold on to your curiosity and your love of learning.

That is your power.

Reviews

Such sage advice. So throughly helpful for those of without support and help to move forward fom which was broken and not acknowledged. .

Martha, this is so very helpful. Your clarity, expertise, and warmth are a salve for this challenging type of situation. Thank you!

Thank you so much for your insight and so much needed validation for my empathic head and heart 💜 You touched on every single significant experience, trauma and reasoning as to why we seek closure. This helped, Thank You!