Different Narcissistic Mothers & How To Start Healing

Narcissistic mothers can have many faces or "modes of being". Martha Curtis explains their different character traits, their impact on you and your self-worth and how you perceive yourself, and how you can begin your healing journey.

Transcript

Welcome,

My name is Martha and I'm a psychotherapist,

Coach,

Yoga and meditation teacher.

My goal is to support you on your healing and growth journey throughout life and guide you towards self-worth and self-actualization.

I specialize in positive psychology,

Mindfulness and TA.

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Today we will be talking about the different kinds of narcissistic mothers.

Often it can be very,

Very hard to talk about one's mother who is narcissistic and even acknowledge that she is.

Partly because she's our mother and we love her,

But also because,

Well,

You might sense a sense of guilt or shame around that.

And maybe,

Maybe you might be doubting yourself,

Hey,

Maybe I'm just exaggerating things,

Maybe I'm not understanding things right.

You might want to be fair to your mother and you could feel bad for thinking what you are thinking about her.

That's why I will be telling you a little bit about the different kinds of narcissistic mothers.

But actually in my now 13 years of practice,

I have learned that it's usually a mixture of behaviors that a narcissistic mother exhibits or different personas that she might be playing.

So before we continue here talking about different kinds of narcissistic mothers,

I would like to give you a minute to set an intention.

What do you want to take away feeling-wise from this podcast?

Take a deep breath in,

Hold for a second,

And out,

And relax.

Do that two more times just to clear your mind.

And in,

Hold for a second,

And out,

In,

Deep breath,

And out.

And I'll give yourself a minute just to reflect what you want to get out of today.

Okay,

Let's talk about the different kinds of narcissistic mothers or parts,

Different parts of her personality because I don't think there's just this one mother that does this one thing.

And if during this podcast you get a sense of guilt or shame,

Tell yourself that it's okay.

You're learning about,

Well,

An experience that many,

Many people have.

And it's okay to question things.

It's okay to have your own thoughts.

It's okay to explore.

It's okay to learn.

There is no judgment.

Okay,

Let's begin.

Well,

The first mother is the neglecting mother.

You might have a neglecting type.

She has no time for you or your thoughts or your needs.

Your wants are not important.

What matters is that she has her needs met.

If you are upset or are being a pain,

Annoying,

Drama queen,

She will ignore or maybe even shame you for being human,

Frankly speaking.

Then there is the decision maker.

The decision maker makes all the decisions for you.

She might appear as having your back always.

Hey,

Leave it to me.

I do it for you.

But when she makes all the decisions,

No matter how big or small,

It means that she is running your life.

She might be telling you what career path to take,

What to wear,

How to behave,

What to say,

Who to be.

She leaves very little room or no room for you to be your own person.

Often she will be the kind of mom that,

Well,

That will give you a sense that she cannot be proud of you unless you do what she says because she knows best.

And maybe you might even feel that she is your best friend because she does everything for you.

She makes all the tough decisions.

But what she's really thinking is don't grow up and don't think.

She might see you as a mini version of herself and might want you to live the life that she didn't have.

And in some ways,

Most parents want the children to have a good life or a better life than they had.

But this is different.

I imagine you know what I'm talking about.

Then there's the mother who owns your achievements.

She wants you to succeed for her own sake,

Not for you,

But for her own sake so that she can show what a wonderful mother she is.

In her eyes,

You owe all your success to her.

She might say things like,

Well,

Yeah,

Of course you did because you're my daughter.

Of course you succeeded because I've been driving you here and there.

And I,

You know,

Of course you succeeded because.

.

.

So she will actually not acknowledge that you succeeded because you put the work in it because you are smart,

Because you are determined and because you have a lot of perseverance.

No,

It's because of what she did.

There's also the mother who competes with you.

She wants all the above that I mentioned and the perfect daughter so the world sees what a perfect mother she is.

So very similar to what I just said about owning your achievements.

Basically,

She wants you to be perfect because she wants to be seen as having produced the perfect daughter.

But don't dare to outshine her because you can never be better than her.

Now notice how I said daughter because narcissistic mothers behave differently to their daughters than they do to their sons.

Mothers don't really compete with their sons.

That's very different.

A narcissistic mother competes with her daughter because the daughter has those things that she is losing.

She is losing her youth.

She is aging.

She is losing her beauty.

Of course,

That's all in her head because it's good to accept aging just as a part of life and something that potentially can be even exciting,

Right?

But yeah,

She will compete with you because you have the things that she perceives as losing.

While she doesn't tend to compete with a boy with her son,

But she is different with her son and I will talk about that a little later.

Narcissistic mothers can play the victim.

According to her,

You are making her sick,

Right?

Because she gave birth to you,

Her life has been ruined and now she can't be the person she wanted to be.

It's the ultimate guilt trip.

Oh,

Because I was pregnant and I was carrying you.

My body is not as beautiful as it was anymore because of you.

Well,

Because I had to take care of you,

I couldn't get the education I wanted.

Oh,

Because of you,

I couldn't have the relationship I wanted.

And the guilt trip continues and continues and continues.

So far,

Have you identified some parts of your mother in what I said before?

There's more.

She might pretend to be ill and you have to be the carer.

This is where sons often come in,

But also daughters.

You need something,

You want attention.

She responds with a headache,

Nausea,

Etc.

Because you are upsetting her.

How dare you to have needs?

Then there is the addicted mother.

When there is addiction,

The primary relationship is with the drug,

Not with a partner or the family.

Therefore,

Narcissism is always present in different ways.

The person who is an alcoholic,

For example,

Might not have been a narcissist before,

But they can develop very narcissistic features.

Personality changes because of an addiction.

And the world starts evolving around her and her needs alone because she needs to feed that addiction.

And she doesn't care if she humiliates or embarrasses you.

In a way,

You might even see narcissism as an addiction of some sort.

That constantly needs to be fed and she needs narcissistic supply and that's the drug.

Some mothers isolate you.

Also very common both with daughters but also with sons.

When you have a partner,

At some point the partner might become the scapegoat.

Oh,

He or she is keeping you away from me.

A mother,

Especially with a son,

Will see her son's girlfriend as competition.

Oh,

She's taking you away from me.

And that's important.

You have to remember that.

Narcissists do not understand separateness.

They do not understand that actually you are a separate person with your own thoughts,

Feelings,

Wants,

And needs,

Dreams.

You are a part of them,

An extension.

And this doesn't just extend to the children.

It could be also the partner.

I have worked with people who told me that their partner,

For example,

Has said,

Don't make me look bad because you're an extension of me.

They actually use those words.

And if you have listened to some of my previous podcasts,

You will have heard me talk about isolation before.

So she will keep you away from others.

She won't allow you to have friends as a child,

Or she will be very selective over your friends.

She might want you to just mix and mingle with a certain type of people.

And she might even might make you think that nobody likes you or that the world is a hostile place and that she is the only one that is your safe haven.

Again,

That injunction,

As I call it,

Is do not grow up.

And then there's the histrionic.

She has tantrums.

If you dare to confront her,

She becomes so volatile that you instantly go into flight or freeze.

You might have learned to pacify her by submitting to all her demands and needs out of fear or embarrassment and shame.

The histrionic mother might be the one that if you don't pick up the phone,

The first time around when she calls you,

She will keep calling and calling and calling and calling until you pick up.

She might even show up at your house.

She's the one that screams down the phone.

Then there is the scapegoater,

Similar to playing the victim,

But she also has a golden child.

If you have a sibling,

She will use one child as an example for the other.

Sons are often actually treated better than daughters.

And sons can be used as like a replacement husband.

I know it sounds very creepy,

But as the son grows up,

The mother will demand that the son takes care of her,

Does things around the house,

Etc.

Even if there is a husband,

A partner,

A father.

And she divides.

Divide and conquer.

She plays people against each other.

And yeah,

She can feed different people the narratives that serve her.

Maybe you find it difficult to get your family on your side because they just see one another.

And you might feel left alone and like nobody understands you.

Or maybe you are being accused of things that you haven't done.

This might be because she is actually recruiting what's called flying monkeys,

So people who do her bidding.

There's also the oversharer.

She might use you as her confidant,

Tell you things that are not appropriate.

Maybe as a child you had to hear about your parents' sex life.

Or maybe she has an affair and you find out about it because,

Well,

She tells you about it.

Or other inappropriate secrets that she has.

Maybe she tells you drama from work that you really don't need to know as a kid.

Maybe you need to deal with a fallout of arguments between your parents.

It's called emotional incest.

It's very unhealthy.

Opposite to the don't grow up,

That message is don't be a child.

And so you learn things that are meant for adults.

You are basically an emotional trash can.

And as a child that's extremely harmful.

Of course even as an adult that can be harmful,

Right?

And lastly,

The martyr.

She tells everyone how much she has done for you,

How she gave up her life for you.

But then goes into an additional narrative.

Either the victim or my child is so ungrateful or show off.

My child is successful because of me.

I have mentioned that in another podcast.

Can you identify your mother in any of those?

What else can you think of?

Do you have other examples?

I know what you might be thinking now.

Okay,

My mother is doing all these things but how am I going to protect myself from that?

Or how am I going to process all that?

Well,

Only you can decide.

Some people choose to cut contact.

Some people only expose themselves to any kind of interactions with their mother.

And I say expose because you're kind of exposing yourself to hurt and potential retraumatization.

So some people decide to have very limited contact,

Some decide not at all.

It really depends.

But the impact of having a narcissistic mother can be huge.

And if you have a narcissistic mother,

You might be experiencing those three things that I will talk about now.

One is a lack of self-worth and low self-esteem.

You might feel unlovable,

Have a sense that something is inherently wrong with you.

You might feel deep shame about who you are and think that others can see your not good enoughness.

You might believe that you won't succeed in life and are always behind with things.

You always have to work extra hard for everything that life will be a struggle.

You might even have PTSD or see PTSD.

Complex PTSD is see PTSD.

Now,

We know PTSD is,

You know,

Things that happen to soldiers during war or accidents,

But complex PTSD is when you have endured ongoing trauma over,

Of a,

Well,

A certain time span,

And it's been ongoing.

You might have symptoms of extreme anxiety.

You get triggered by certain situations of interactions with others that are reminiscent of your childhood,

And you might suffer from depression.

Another impact is unhealthy relationships.

You might find yourself in unhealthy relationships,

Some dependent,

Some codependent.

You might have an emotionally unavailable partner or an abusive partner,

Or you might not want to be in a relationship because you don't believe that you can be loved,

That your partner will find out who you really are,

Or you think you have to be someone else.

And when I say find out who you really are,

I mean the fantasy,

The negative fantasy that you might be carrying in your head about yourself.

There's more,

And that's trust,

For example,

A difficulty in trusting people.

You might feel that others have more power and control than you have.

You might feel weak and defenseless and get easily exploited.

You put other people's needs first,

Neglect your own needs.

You're the typical people pleaser.

You might also never feel good enough.

You might be a perfectionist,

Or maybe you might not even attempt anything because it won't be good enough anyway.

Or you say to yourself,

I don't want to embarrass myself.

You want acceptance from others because you feel less than them.

You want to please and keep up and become vulnerable.

Maybe you don't have a healthy sense of self.

It might be hard for you to make decisions about your future.

You think about what you should be doing instead of what you want to do.

You might feel guilty if you do something for yourself or put yourself first.

You might not even know who you are.

See,

This is really tough stuff.

I really hope that you don't tick all of those.

But if you do,

I want to tell you this,

There is hope.

There's a lot that you can do a lot.

The first thing how you can start your healing journey is acknowledge the truth.

Sometimes it's hard to acknowledge that what you have experienced was tough.

You might feel guilty over thinking negatively about your mother,

But your experiences are valid.

They matter.

It happened or it might still be happening.

It is not your fault.

You can start to understand narcissism.

When you have a basic understanding of narcissism,

It will be easier to accept that you are not the cause of your mother's behavior towards you.

You will also find it easier to identify narcissistic behaviors in others.

And that's very important.

This is not parent bashing.

Because a narcissist has,

So the theory goes,

Received a narcissistic wound.

And that's why acceptance is so important.

It's not about being all negative and say all those evil narcissists keep the focus with you.

How can you heal?

Okay.

This is how my mother is.

Okay.

I can invite her to change,

But I can't make her change.

And that acceptance will give you a break.

I promise you.

Allow yourself to feel and grieve.

Practice self-compassion.

This might be hard at first,

But connect with the child you were and allow yourself to grieve for the pain that a little girl or boy has been through and grieve for the mother that should have,

That you should have had,

But didn't.

The next thing that you need to do is,

And this will sound cheesy,

But there we are,

You need to reconnect with your inner child.

And you can do that by looking at other pictures.

You can visualize your younger self next to you,

Do things you always wanted to do,

But couldn't.

Write to your younger self and play,

You know,

Play,

Be silly.

And I also have meditations,

How you can reconnect with your inner child that you can check out.

I also do lives,

Where I do events on inner child work.

And I think you might enjoy them.

Set boundaries and separate is another thing.

Decide how you want your future to look like,

And if you want to keep your mother in your life,

But put your own needs first.

If you want to stay in touch,

Minimize exposure,

Learn strategies.

If you find that it's not healthy,

If you find that it is healthier to break contact,

That's okay.

Especially if she keeps re-traumatizing you.

Set a healthy boundary.

An example,

If you have children,

This is how you show your children that it's important to take care of yourself.

Self-care is not selfish.

A narcissistic parent will tell you that what you are doing when you take care of yourself is not.

Selfish is seeing someone having broken a leg,

Lying on the street and walking past because you have a nail appointment.

Okay,

That's selfish.

Reparent yourself.

Be the parent to yourself that you always wanted and needed.

This takes time,

But it's oh so rewarding.

Develop that healthy inner adult and nurturing parent.

There are so many more questions that people ask me.

Some are,

Why is my father not helping me?

Why does she treat my siblings differently?

Will I ever be able to have a healthy relationship?

What have I done to deserve this?

And some even ask,

Will I become like my mother?

I will answer those and more in future podcasts.

Now,

One last thing I will ask you to do.

Take a minute to reflect.

What are you going to promise to yourself today?

Just think about it.

And if you want,

Maybe leave a little comment or send me a message.

Thank you.

Reviews

Thank you so much for this resource, it was very helpful 🫶🏻

Thank you! It's tough but it's relieving to know there is hope. I'm willing to practice self care in order to heal and treat others with dignity and respect and honesty they deserve...

Thank you! I worked out (years after she died) that my mother was very manipulative, but it hadn’t occurred to me that she could have been narcissistic. Your descriptions described so much of her behaviour.

Very interesting, educational and at the same time compassionate. Thank you Martha

So grateful for this fantastic opportunity to learn more about difficult relationships with mother. Anyone who have been hurt by the mother behaviour and still try to figure out the reason of such behaviour of her, should listen to this podcast. We are provided with many answers leading to more understanding making healing easier. A piece of gem. +++ 💡🙏

This really resonated with me! Thank you!