Why & How To Love Unconditionally - LIVE talk 7/8/22

This is a (partly) recording from Femke's weekly Friday LIVE (8 July '22). Femke first explains why loving unconditionally is part of who we are, and why it is good for us to learn to love unconditionally. She then goes into ways to start loving unconditionally and then (28:15) guides you in a meditation in which you can experience for yourself how you can start the process of unconditional love. Afterward, Femke answers a few profound questions about loving unconditionally.

Transcript

Hello everyone, Welcome to my weekly Friday life. How lovely that you are here. My name is Vemko Bucker, I am one of the meditation teachers here on Inside Timer and every Friday at this time I am holding a life. And every week I speak about a specific topic. And in this topic you stand central, You and your world. And whatever perspective we take, Whatever topic we take, At the core stands always what I love to teach and that is that you can become and be as kind and as gentle and as loving and compassionate towards yourself as you can be. Because it's the key to so many things. So for today's topic I chose why and how to love unconditionally. Alright, Let's start with the why. Why we should love unconditionally. And I don't like the word should so much in this because it sounds like a must. So let's not use that word. Why would you want to love unconditionally? So you might think well that's pleasant for others because you can see them as they are. But as we might all know it's sometimes really really pretty hard to see others as they really are. Especially when they are ruffling our feathers. Especially when they are sometimes mean or grumpy or unpleasant or not doing what we want. Or having troubles in their life that we start to worry about them. And all those things are really really human right? I'm not saying this to blame you in any way. But you're probably here because you know that loving unconditionally can be really really hard. So why it's really good for you to start loving unconditionally? It has more to do with you than with others. When you start to find that ability to gradually because it's a lifelong process. Like everything that I always speak about it's a lifelong work in progress process. But you get better at it and it becomes easier. Gradually you will feel that it becomes easier to start accepting others as they are. Even if the way that they are is not like you would want them to be. And that's the hard part right? So why is that good for you? Because let's say there is someone in your life. Someone that you do love. You have experienced feelings from them. Feelings for them. And when you're with them you know you really feel that there is love towards both sides. But then they do something or they behave in a certain way. Or they do something that really hurts you or whatever is going on at that point in time. It's really hard to connect to those feelings of love. You start to connect with the feelings of anger or the feelings of wanting to control the other. Basically expecting them to adapt to you so it's easier for you to love them. And that's exactly where the problem might lie. So you see this a lot in relationships with significant others. You fall in love, You decide you want to be together and you're building a beautiful life together. And you do love each other. But you know there are a lot of things going on. There are children to take care of. There are demanding jobs, Bills that have to be paid. And also you want to live your life in a way that feels good to you and your partner would love to do that also. And there sometimes it's really really hard not to expect the other to adapt to you to make it easier for you. Some people are simply so easy to love unconditionally because they don't ruffle your feathers. Because they are seemingly just doing exactly everything as you want it. And I know that there are couples who are actually really like that. Who are resonating so much with each other that that unconditional love it's so easy to have it there. But most couples that experience unconditional love and actually this goes for every relationship not just a couple right. Are generally relying on being able to see the other who they are, Words and all and be okay with them being like that. Be okay that you don't always agree with each other. Be okay with the fact that they sometimes might do something that you don't like and that you might do something that they don't like. But that you are okay with that. So am I speaking then about turning the other cheek? No, Not really. Because with turning the other cheek there is this sense of I don't like what you're doing. I really would wish you to be different but I want to love unconditionally so I am going to ignore this and I'm just going to be okay with this I love you unconditional. There is tension there still. This is not the unconditional love that I'm speaking about. The unconditional love that I'm speaking about is seeing another, Realizing that they are how they are. That it's not up to you to decide how they should behave, What they should do, How they should even treat you or behave towards you but that no matter what you will be in touch with your heart and just love. So what I believe and actually what I know because I'm experiencing it more and more myself is that your heart loves. This is it. You as a being, You have a heart, You have a soul and you are love. But sometimes we just forget that we are love. We just forget that love is pouring out of everything that we have and that this is what we can shine towards every person and also towards ourselves. And that is because when someone is giving us a hard time or someone is ruffling our feathers and with ruffling our feathers they don't always mean that they are nasty or mean. It can also be that they're just not doing the dishes well. You ask them time and again. It can also be that they are having a lot of problems in their life and you just wish that their lives would be better and that they would do something to solve their problems so you wouldn't worry anymore. So also there the love is not really unconditional. You are putting in expectations, You are putting in basically parameters so that you can feel that love. So what I really want to convey here, Let me try to say it in a more clear way. You are always loving. You are always loving all beings. But when someone is doing something that triggers you in a certain way, Whatever the trigger is, Whatever you are triggered for, That moment you think that you are not allowed to feel that love, That there is no reason to feel that love. And I know this thinking is not subconscious. This is something that is really in your subconscious or even your unconscious processing. But you start to feel an emotion and because of that emotion you are not able to feel that love fully like you would when it was all open and free flowing. So this is all about self empowerment. Loving unconditionally is all about empowering yourself to feel good no matter what. To feel good no matter what others are doing or saying or behaving. No matter whatever happens. To feel good no matter what. It doesn't mean that when someone is doing something that you don't like you will not feel it at all. Yes of course you will have a response but then you can bounce back, Getting back to yourself and really leave whatever is going on at that person, With that person and allowing yourself to feel good, To feel love and that is the core of loving unconditionally. And I know that when I am telling you this that you might understand this with your head. But the question that pulls up is how can you do that? Yes it is not so easy because it is turning the other cheek like I just said. That is a thing that you make up with your mind. That is a cognitive thing. That decision that you will disagree to agree, You will accept bad behaviour because you want to love unconditionally but your jaws start to clench, Your heart closes because you are pushing yourself over your own boundaries and that is not what I am speaking about. So for instance if someone is really mean to you but you want to love them unconditionally it doesn't mean that you should accept their behaviour. That is also not what I am speaking about. I am speaking about you allowing yourself to be who you truly are and that is love. You are love. Every being is just love. Especially human beings. We forget that we are love. And when someone does something and you don't allow yourself then you are pinching yourself of that feeling. So some people you can love unconditionally way better when you don't see them. You can let that sink in right? Some people you can love way better unconditionally when you don't see them frequently. When you just see them from time to time. And the beauty of it is also that when you detach yourself from being in contact with people that you really have a hard time loving unconditionally but you really will love them. For instance if you have a sibling that you have a lot of troubles with or a friend that you got problems with and you know you love them but you are unable to connect to that feeling and sometimes taking some time off might be a good idea and then you start to work on opening your heart again for yourself. On finding that innate love that you always have flowing without them disturbing that. So when someone is mean to you it doesn't mean that you have to accept that. You can say no. You can set your boundaries. Actually a topic that I will speak about next week, Setting boundaries which is really connected to this. But what you can do is decide for yourself that you deserve to connect again to that feeling of love. So basically now we are getting slowly slowly to the how. So let me recap in just one sentence. Let me try to recap in one sentence what is unconditional love. That is basically loving without conditions. Loving without expectations about the other, How they should be, Act towards you, Towards themselves, In their lives, Whatever is going on. To really really be okay with that. So how. Now we get to the how. And I will tell you a little bit more and then I will guide you in a meditation that can actually help. Not just because I am telling you as a meditation teacher but even because I am telling you this as a researcher because it is a meditation technique I study as a scholar. I am also a scholar, I am also working at the university as a professor where I teach and do research and I study the impact of meditation. So how. Well, The key is you. I have seen it already a lot in the comments. People are speaking about unconditionally loving themselves. Whether or not they do but this is it. So loving ourselves unconditionally turns out to be pretty pretty hard. You know when you ask someone do you love yourself? Then the answer is most of the time yes I love myself. The question then is do you love yourself unconditionally? Do you also love yourself when you are making a mistake? When you look in the mirror and you are not satisfied with whatever you are seeing? When you are having a grumpy day and you are behaving in a bad way? Are you always loving yourself unconditionally? And I think and I know that most of us are not able to say fully yes to that. Maybe part of the time but really fully yes. So this is not per se the prerequisite to love others unconditionally. But it is a key. So I am not saying that you cannot love someone else before you love yourself. Because that would be crazy. Because I know you love people. You love people even though you might not love yourself so much. So that is not it. But the key to getting to that position where you can start to love unconditionally which basically means that you allow yourself to be who you are and that is love. That really is helpful if you can send that love to yourself. Because if you can become gentle to yourself, Well there is the word, Okay. So if you can become gentle to yourself, Which is I think a way better word to use than self-love. Because we have so many connotations about love. We have so many ideas of what love should be. I sometimes think that the word love would just, You know, We just have to throw it out of the window and invent something new. Because we all have expectations about the word of love. So why I just used couples as an example. Because this is about any relationship that you might have. Friends, Family, Siblings, Children, Parents, Grandparents, Colleagues, People you don't even know. You know, It is about every relation, Every interaction with another. But the example of couples works really great because very often with romantic couples you start to see how they become co-dependent. How they start to adapt to each other so that the other person will show their affection and love and then you will adapt so you can show your affection and love. And we think that this is love. We think that by adapting to the other, For the other to get that love reciprocated that this is love. So I am not speaking about getting to a compromise, Right, Because this is a part of a relationship of course. But this is about that process that sometimes just creeps in without you being actually aware that this is creeping in because you want to experience that the other loves you. So this is also why it is really key to start this process of being gentle to yourself first and then compassionate to yourself and loving towards yourself so that you can start to allow yourself to feel good no matter what. Even when your partner is grumpy and might not show their love for you right in this moment because you are giving this to yourself and at this point you can know that they love you without you needing them to tell you every time and the other way around. So that is why couples might be a really great example. So how to do that? Well, It is a beautiful process to become aware of how you treat yourself, How you are with yourself. So I just said I prefer the word gentle. If you have been here more often or maybe you are in my workshops you know that self gentleness is a concept that I have been coining over the last few months because I feel it is so much better, Captures what I want to convey to you, How you can start to treat yourself in a better way. Because if I tell you you have to, Well not have to, Hop out of the window it would be good for you if you started loving yourself. That sounds like a big mountain to climb right? Especially if you are in a position where you are not feeling good or your life is not going as you like it, It might be really hard. But then I am telling you, You might start to be more gentle to yourself. That feels feasible right? I mean we can all be gentle from time to time to ourselves. It feels not like that big mountain to climb but you know a smaller hill or maybe just a bump in the road that you can use to become more gentle. So actually if you get with me into that work about self gentleness you will hear that I am saying what is the definition and that is, Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness. And that is way harder. Radically, So in every situation, Consistently, So always. But that is a process that you can learn, That you can work on. I will not get too deep into that. If you would like to hear more there are one or two talks about this in my profile, Live talks that I held here about self gentleness. And new workshops about self gentleness will come up after the summer and the beginning of the next year. So self love, Starting to send love to yourself, Being gentle to yourself. That is a really really great way to start allowing yourself to feel good. You know, You could start by deciding that you want to love a person in your life unconditionally. And this can happen when there is someone that you so so love but you don't always feel it reciprocated. You don't always feel that they want to receive your love. Or you don't always feel that they can receive your love for whatever reason. Or there are things going on between you that stand in your way of always feeling that. Well, The good news is that if you know a relationship like that with a friend or a family or a partner, That allowing yourself to feel good no matter what, Means that you can start to love them unconditionally by first loving yourself unconditionally. Because truly allowing yourself to feel good no matter what, And I don't mean that you have to do it immediately, It can be that you first feel bad but then you bounce back on this beautiful baseline of feeling good. If you start to master that process, If you start to master that ability, Then you basically start to love yourself unconditionally. Because loving yourself unconditionally means allowing yourself to feel good, Allowing yourself to be satisfied with whatever is going on, Allowing yourself to be okay with what is. And maybe you are eager for more, Maybe you are looking forward or dreaming or desiring better, Even better things and other things, But being okay here where you are, Allowing to feel good no matter what, Even if you would be in a tiny, Tiny room, Having no sunlight while you love the sun, If you manage to feel good no matter what because you love yourself, Then the world is yours. Because then any interaction with yourself and with others will become so much more easy. So, I would love to first guide you in a meditation, Then I will come back to the comments and see if anyone has a question or wants to share something. So the meditation I'm going to guide you in is loving kindness meditation. And you probably know that meditation because you are here on Insight Timer and loving kindness meditation is a meditation that is taught a lot, Is used a lot. And that's not for nothing. So as a researcher I study loving kindness meditation. I study its impact on political behaviour. And what we know from research is that when people start to meditate with loving kindness meditation they in basically a pretty short period of time, Let's say about eight hours in total. So that's 15 minutes a day for about 30 days. That's about eight hours, Right, In total. They significantly become more pro-social. They significantly decrease their biases, Even the implicit biases. So the biases you might have towards others while you're not even aware consciously about it. We, People that are doing this meditation are also significantly increasing in their feelings, Their satisfied feelings about themselves. So this is a really powerful meditation. I think any meditation can bring you to this point. If you are practicing a meditation where you for instance are observing your breath, You know, You're practicing a lot of things. You're practicing your mental muscle. You're practicing many, Many things. And one of the effects of such a meditation practice after a long time is starting to feel that unconditional love, Basically starting to feel that you are love and that you can love unconditionally. The beauty of the loving kindness meditation is that there is explicit focus. It's, I categorize it under the category of calm focus meditations. And that is because you're not so much working on training your mental muscle in the sense that you're learning to detach yourself from thoughts. No, You are teaching yourself to cultivate feelings of compassion, Feelings of friendliness, Feelings of loving kindness towards yourself and towards others. And even if you are in this meditation and you're not feeling those feelings while you're doing it, In the end, You are shifting your perspective. By just repeating those sentences I will guide you. So if you're unfamiliar with this meditation, You will know in a bit how it's going. But even when you're unfamiliar with this, Even when you're not feeling exactly what you're feeling when you're expressing those wishes for yourself and others, Then still it has an effect. It's doing something with you. So also from my own experience, When I went through my meditation teacher training, So loving kindness meditation was one of those meditation techniques that I learned to teach. And for every meditation technique that I learned, I had to really put myself in it to really meditate with it a lot for over a period of time. And I liked the meditation when I did it. But I really felt a shift. I really felt a shift in the way that I started to look at myself and I really started to feel a shift in how I start to look towards others. Now, Loving kindness meditation is not a part of my daily practice. I meditate twice a day with a different meditation technique. But it is a technique that I sometimes take and use for a few days or sometimes a few weeks when I feel that I have to work on this feeling of cultivating specific feelings of love and compassion towards myself and others. So it's really powerful, But you can only experience it when you do it. So this is what we're going to do. So I'm going to guide you through this meditation. At the end, I will put another personal touch to really stress, You know, What we were working through today, Everything that I was explaining. So I'll expand it a little bit. I'm recording this live. So if everything is going well, Because lately I had some technical problems, But if everything is going well, I will publish it also soon so you can hear it back later on. If you just want to hear a single loving kindness meditation, I also have it in my profile. It's called Connect with Love and Compassion. But let's start. So before we start, I would like you to think of three people in your life. One person is someone that you love and they love you. You know, Someone when you think about them, You smile. And it doesn't have to be per se unconditional love, But it's someone who makes you happy when you think of them. And I would like you to think of someone who is experiencing a hard time and you love them, But you also feel worried for them a lot. And then I would like you to think of someone that you had some difficulties with and then don't pick that most difficult, Difficult, Difficult one, Because that's hard to work with just the very first time. But pick someone that you know is irritating you or likes to argue with you. Someone who is, You know, Sometimes it's a bit hard. Later on, When you're more practiced, You can really start to work with those that are really, Really hard to love. But let's keep it easy for now, Because I want you to have a success experience, Because a success experience will help you to continue. And when you work with someone that is too hard and you notice this because you feel that you just simply cannot, You know, Send them these wishes, Then you should always stop, Not force yourself, Because that would be turning the other cheek with cleansed jaws. And I don't want you to do that. Then you just stop and you start to send those wishes to yourself again, Because the moment you feel that you are suffering, You need love and compassion first. All right. So let's meditate. So start with sitting as comfortable as you can be. You can also lie down if it feels good. And just sit for a moment and experience how you're sitting, How your feet are on the ground, How your buttocks are on the seat, How your back rests against the back of your chair or the sofa or the wall. You can lean against it if you like. No problem. Make it comfortable. Feel if your shoulders are relaxed, Just hanging, Your arms, Your hands in your lap. Now gently close your eyes and feel your face, No frowns on your forehead. Is your mouth relaxed, Your jaws relaxed? So just sit for a moment and feel how the peacefulness, The quietness relative to how you start, It starts to seep in. And if you think that you still have a lot of thoughts, That's okay. Your head is made to think. It will calm down soon. We're going to give your head something to think about. That makes it easier. All right. I would love for you now to think of that person that you love, That person that loves you, That person that makes you smile when you think of them. And I would love for you to bring their presence here so you could visualize that they are right in front of you. You could just get a feel for them, Maybe say their name, Really use your imagination, Use your fantasy in the way that you always use it. Now imagine that this person that you love and they love you is coming to sit right next to you. They're sitting now on your right, Looking at you, Smiling at you. And they're going to tell you what they wish for you. So I'm going to say the sentence and then I would love for you to repeat this sentence and you can repeat it out loud or mentally. I don't care. Whatever suits you, Whatever feels comfortable to you. Now imagine that they're sitting next to you and they're expressing these wishes. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you live your life with ease. Let's do it again. Let's do it together. Imagine them extending these wishes towards you. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you live your life with ease. So feel how they're sitting next to you, Supportive as always, Loving you as always, How freely this love can flow between you. And just hear it again. They're genuine wishes towards you. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you live your life with ease. Alright, Now don't worry if you don't feel you can receive this. That's okay. Just repeating these sentences is already so powerful in itself. Now I would like you, While this person remains next to you, I would love for you to imagine that you are seeing yourself right in front of you. So you can imagine that you're looking in a mirror or you can just picture yourself, The outline of your body, Shape of your face. And if you don't fantasize in images, Then just say your own name, Get a feel of your own presence standing right in front of you. Now see that you yourself are coming to sit next to you on your left side. And now you are going to express these wishes towards yourself, Yourself sitting next to you. Okay, Let's go. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be safe. May I live my life with ease. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be safe. May I live my life with ease. You might pay attention to yourself receiving these sentences, Receiving these wishes. You can see yourself smile maybe. But if you don't feel all of that, That's okay. It's okay. Just repeating these sentences is enough. Let's do it again. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be safe. May I live my life with ease. So we are going to proceed now. But whenever you find it really, Really hard to extend these feelings towards, To extend these desires and wishes towards other people, Just come back here and send it to yourself. Okay. Now I would like you to turn back to your right side where this person that you love so much is still sitting next to you. And let's expand our loving wishes now towards them. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you live your life with ease. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you live your life with ease. So take a moment to feel, Know, See them, Receive these wishes that you are giving to them. How they are smiling, How they are actually receiving your love and how does that make you feel? And if you don't feel anything that's okay. But if you do feel something, If you feel your heart is lighting up a bit then really, Really feel that and enjoy that this is who you really are. Let's send these wishes one more time. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you live your life with ease. Now while we're going to progress, Your image of yourself, The image of this person that you love, They will stick with you. They are here to support you. It feels like a safe haven from where you can move and love and be who you are. You are in the company of folks that love you, Namely this one person and yourself. Alright, Now I would like you to now first think of someone that you do know but you don't have any particular feelings towards them. So maybe it's someone that you sometimes see in the street when you walk your dog, Someone who serves you coffee. You don't even have to know their name. But we're going to send our wishes towards them because we want to recognise that every person in this world has the same desires, Namely to be safe, To be healthy, To be happy and to live an easy life. So this is what we're going to wish to these persons that we don't really care about if it's much or less. So get a sense of their presence. You can picture them, Picture their body, Picture their face or you could just get a feel of them or you could think of the last time you saw them. Now imagine that they're standing in front of you at a distance that feels good and we're going to extend our wishes towards them. So join me if we say, May you be happy, May you be healthy, May you be safe, May you live your life with ease, May you be happy, May you be healthy, May you be safe, May you live your life with ease. Take a moment to realise that although you don't really know this person, You don't have any particular feelings towards them and it feels kind of good to extend those wishes and that they receive it. So join me for the last time saying, May you be happy, May you be healthy, May you be safe, May you live your life with ease. Alright, Now I would like you to bring the presence of that person that you worry a lot about. Someone that is having a hard time, Someone you love, But someone that you tend to worry about as well. And when you worry, You cannot really love because when you love unconditionally, You know they will be well. You trust on their ability to find a good life, To find that happy, Healthy, Safe and easy life because every person has that ability and by you believing with them right now that they cannot do it, Doesn't connect you to love, It connects you to fear, It connects you to worries. So bring them to mind and just to remember, If it overwhelms you, If it's too hard for you and you cannot really extend those wishes, Then just stop and bring your attention back to yourself and send the wishes to you and that is really, Really valid, That's really, Really okay. Then you're doing the meditation right, Okay? So get a sense of them, Picture their body, Their face, Say their name, Whatever you need to get a feeling of their presence. And now let's tell them what we wish for them. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you live your life with ease. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you live your life with ease. So I would like to add something to this. Let's bring some more certainty here. Let's our hearts speak their truth and let's tell them this. I know you will be happy. I know you will be safe. I know you will be healthy. I know you can live your life with ease. I know you will be happy. I know you will be healthy. I know you will be safe. I know you can live your life with ease. These are powerful words. This is powerful knowledge. If someone cannot hold this space for themselves, Having someone there holding this space, Holding this knowledge, This truth, This is so powerful. Because with this you send them unconditional love. Because you basically tell them it's okay where you are. It's okay that you are having a bad time and I'm so sorry for you. But I know it can be better. I know you can get there. I know your life can become more easy and I trust that you will find your way. It might take a day, It might take years. I don't care. I know you can do this. Alright. If you find it still hard to do, That's okay. No problem there. It's a practice. It's a practice and it will become easier. So let's just send our wishes one more time. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you live your life with ease. Alright. Now let's bring that person to mind that you had some difficulties with. No, Not that very, Very difficult one. That other one. That little bit difficult one. Yes, That one. Right. So again, Use your fantasy. Bring a sense of their presence here. Say their name, Picture them, Whatever works for you. And be aware that you place them at a distance that feels good and safe to you. So it might be one kilometer away from you. It might be that you just want to picture them in a computer screen or on TV. It might be that you just want to put them far away. And make sure that you place them on an equal footing. They don't have to be higher than you. Whatever happened, Maybe it is your boss, But still you can put them on an equal footing. And the most important part that I want you to hear is this. By extending the wishes of loving kindness, You do not condone their behavior. You do not condone whatever they did. You don't even need to forgive them for what they are doing or what they did. The only thing that we are going to recognize here is that every person, Every being in this world has the same desire as you to have a happy, Healthy, Safe and easy life. And their take on how to lead that might differ from yours, But that's okay. We are going to connect them to that knowledge that all beings have that same desire. So we can wish them a happy, Healthy, Safe and easy life in their way. While you still stay with yourself and you don't condone, You don't agree, You don't forgive, That's all not right. Now picture them, Get a sense of their presence and let's extend our wishes towards them and remember, If it's too hard, You stop, You go back to yourself. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you live your life with ease. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you live your life with ease. So you can take a moment to recognize how this feels for you, If it's hard, If it's time to stop and turn those wishes towards yourself or maybe it's a relief. Relief being able to just wish this for this difficult person without having to be with them, Having to resonate with them, That's okay. Because you are love and you are just extending love towards them. Because you are love. Not because they deserve it, But because you are love. You are love. Join me for the last time, Extending our wishes towards this difficult person. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you live your life with ease. Alright, Now take a moment with your eyes still closed to realize the potential of doing this exercise, Connecting to your heart, Connecting to this innate love in your heart. Maybe put your hands on your heart for a moment. Your heart, On your chest. Can you hear your heartbeat? Can you feel your heartbeat? Our hearts are so powerful. They are our life force. They are our love force. They are our guides in life. Our guides to tell us how we are doing. Our guides in interactions with others. We can take our hearts seriously because they love. And when you feel that you are unable to feel that love that is always there, Then you are pinching something off. You are having thoughts, Responses, Sensations about things going on that you think that you are not allowing yourself to feel that love. But it's there. It's really always there. Let's take a moment to take this love in our heart and to expand this to the whole world. To all beings. So we are going to give these wishes to all beings. Not just human beings, But all beings. Like Cherry said, Every animal, Every plant, Every tree, Every bacteria, Even every virus, Every being on this earth. All beings below us. All beings above us. All beings in front of us. All beings behind us. All beings known and unknown. All beings loved and unloved. Let's say these loving kindness wishes and send them towards all beings. May all beings be happy. May all beings be healthy. May all beings be safe. May all beings live their life with ease. May all beings be healthy. May all beings be happy. May all beings be safe. May all beings live their life with ease. Sit for a moment with this intention and whether you feel it or not or feel it a little bit or feel it a lot, That's okay. It's all okay. You're doing it exactly right because you are where you are and you're doing it right because you are love. You are love. You are loved. You are worthy and you are love. All right. Now with your eyes closed, You can let go of your attention, Of these intentions. You can let go of your focus on your heart. You can put your hands in your lap. And let's take some time to come back to the here and now in our bodies. I would keep your eyes closed for still some time while you start to move your body a little bit. You can move your fingers, Wriggle your toes, Stretch your spine, Maybe even yawn a little bit, Whatever feels good to you. And then really slowly you can start to open your eyes, But really take the time for it. Take as long as you need. And if you feel that you're really, Really tired now and you need a nap and you have the ability to take a nap, Then go take a nap, Lie down, Sleep a little bit, Be kind to yourself, Be gentle to yourself. But if you don't want to sleep or you don't have the time right now, Then just take a moment to slowly open your eyes and I will be here waiting for you. So there's a great question here. Is the well wishes of love and kindness and actual love the same thing? As sometimes I feel the kindness, But it doesn't feel exactly like love. So that's a really, Really great question. And that's for instance why I said why I prefer to use the word self gentleness rather than self love, Because what is love? What is exactly love? Every person has a different connotation of what love is. And it's so often filled with ideas from others, From our parents who told us that if we wouldn't behave in a certain way, You know, They didn't like us so much. And so we thought they would not love us if we behaved badly in their way, Or if we didn't live up to expectations, Or we read books, We see movies, And we think that is love. If you take a look at the literature and also at movies, And you see how, How much books there are about impossible love, You know, The big, Big love that is not possible. So this gets in our heads, And we start to think that great love must be impossible. There must be something that stands in the way of great love. So you could ask yourself, What is love to me? What is my connotation? How would I know that someone loves me and I love someone? And how did that form based on what experiences? So I could not answer you if expressing those feelings of kindness are also love. I think they are. I think the connection with your heart and allowing yourself to feel good, To feel that free flowing energy of who you actually are, I think that is love. And that is all around us and it's all flowing through you and flowing out of you. And when we pinch that off, It feels bad. And then someone else comes and they do something kind and it opens up, Which is so beautiful because then it flows through both of us. But then that's tricky part. Sometimes we start to rely on that other. We need the other to be there or do something or say something so that we think that we can feel that love while it's always there because you are love. So I didn't exactly answer your question maybe, But I think this is the important thing to take away from this session and take away from everything that I was trying to convey. This meditation technique, It's a technique, Of course, But it's a technique that works for us to cultivate those feelings, Especially towards ourselves. So if you find, If you do this meditation technique and you find it really, Really hard to extend it to anyone, Then send it only to yourself and do this as long as you need. Maybe you just need a year to send these wishes just to yourself before you can feel you can start to extend them to others. And that is perfectly fine. So I'm speaking to everyone, Right? Not just to Mel who asked the question. This is perfectly fine. Make this meditation your own and know that you are the core of this. So you're basically starting to remember how you were coming here as a baby on earth, Being love, Being nothing but love, Wanting to feel that love. Yes, With others, But also by yourself and slowly, We forgot this. Yeah, You know, Schools, Puberty, Parents, Friends, First boyfriends, Girlfriends, Disappointing us, All these things shape how we think about love. And it's now time to retake your definition. That's why I introduced self gentleness. It's a way easier way to reset yourself. And then from that position, When you become gentle to see what is now love to me, What does love mean to me? How do I want to deal with it? So yes, So follow up questions so I could feel unconditional gentleness towards others. Absolutely. And there it also is, You know, The gentler you are to yourself, The gentler, The way easier it is to be gentle to others. Because very often when others are doing something that we don't like, We project our own feelings of discomfort on them. So yeah, Working with the gentleness towards others might be really, Really great step. But also take a look at your own expectations of what is love exactly. What is your picture of love? And did that was that shaped by everything around you, Like in almost all cases? Or is it something that just your heart is telling you? Because it is big, But it doesn't have to feel big. It can feel as just this knowing inside that can be love that is love. So Ellen asks, For me, It's really difficult to mention those words to the person I love and is experiencing difficulties. That's my mom who was dealing with Parkinson's, Probably because I cannot believe these words as she will not be getting better. It made me sad how to deal with this. Yeah, I can really, Really imagine that. So the answer is, I think complex. And it might not resonate with you. So I know that Parkinson's is a terrible disease. It's not just for the person itself, But also the person who are people who are standing around that person. But the truth is, And it's kind of a hard truth, That within every condition in your life, You and every being has the ability to find wellbeing. And sometimes it's really, Really hard to find it. Sometimes it's really, Really a trial and error process of finding that what can bring you relief. So your mother in her suffering can find relief relative to where she is. And while she's suffering, For you knowing that that is a possibility can be way stronger help than you suffering with her. And I know that is hard. It's easy said, Right? Way easier said than done. So I really acknowledge that. But loving unconditionally is trying to find that place where you can hold the place for another, Where you can hold that image of wellbeing, Even within these circumstances. And sometimes that is and that is also knowing that there will come a moment when they transition and that might bring a relief. And that's really harsh to say now. And I don't, If that hurts you in any way, That's really not my intention, But sometimes that thought can be a relief. So I'm speaking from my own experience when my father got cancer when I was 20 and he died a few months later and I was heartbroken, But also felt that relief for him. So that might not be the case now for your mother, Right? So I'm really not saying that this is for you, But I'm trying to use this as an example that most of us can relate to because most of us know the situation where someone finds relief by this transitioning. And it of course depends on what your beliefs are of this process and if there is anything after or not. And those are all things that are really hard to discuss, Of course. So, But I just wanted to mention you this, But still within every situation, There can be a sense of wellbeing relative to where you are right now. And it goes for everyone. And knowing that you have that ability, That is unconditional love for yourself, Trusting that you can find that place that is unconditional love for yourself. And if you find this for you, Then you can also extend this to others. And it's so powerful if someone sits with you, Acknowledges where you are in your suffering, But that you can feel, They don't even have to tell you that they know it will get better, But you can feel that there is a more light optimistic take on it. By suffering with your mother, By suffering with someone who is suffering, You don't really help them. Yes, You are empathic, But you are together with them in the pain while being compassionate, Because that is for me the difference between being empathic and being compassionate, Being with them, Acknowledging where they are, But holding that space for them to feel the slightest improvement. That is powerful. And I think that is the power of compassion, But I know it's difficult and I can understand that it makes you sad. And that is also that when you are in this practice and you realize that it's making you way too sad, You cannot work with them and stop because then you cannot do it because then you are also suffering. So you do have to extend it to yourself first and stick with yourself until, And stick with easier people until you are ready to get there. But you will get there because with every time you send it to yourself, You empower yourself and it will become a shift when you start to feel that you have the power of your own well-being. You have the power of feeling good and when you feel that, Then you have a power to radiate this, To express this, To just be this and you become a lighting example for others. So be kind to yourself in this. When you are suffering, Then how much you would wish your mother to feel better. You do not have any control over that. You do not have any power over that, But you do have power over being kind to yourself. So stick with that for some time and I hope it will help. So I have this meditation group, Public meditation group here on Inside Timer. It's called Femke's Meditation Group. You can always reach out there, Ask questions, Connect with others. So just remember that. So wow, That was powerful. I really love this. It's such an important topic, How to love unconditional and it's a process. I'm pretty good in loving unconditionally. I think it was something I was born with partly, Not always being able to extend this to some people in my life. But I was lucky because I had a person in my life who I love dearly and really really wanted to love unconditionally. And then I discovered that I first had to love myself unconditionally and that turned out to be the way that opened up so many things. So that's why I love to speak about this and it relates so much to that self gentleness. Lovelies, I'm sending you so much love. Thank you for everything. I hope to see you somewhere next week during my lives. I hope to see you in my workshop. It would be really really fun and if not, It's also fine. Enjoy yourself, Be gentle to yourself. Then listen to my tracks, Listen to my courses or frequent one of my other workshops. Sending you so much love. Have a great weekend. Bye bye.

Reviews

Brilliant! Thank you so much! I will listen again and again. And practice being gentle with myself. Inspires me to be more vigilant with my meditation practice. May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe. May you live with ease. Namaste.

Insightful talk, with many good ideas. Will listen to again.

Such beautiful meditation for tapping into the love that's always there and feeling connected. Femke is always so soothing and reassuring ❤