So today we will be talking about a very particular type of grief,
Which is the grief over what we.
.
.
Really wanted but never got.
Grief of the loss of what we never had.
And.
.
.
You know,
Typical griefs.
You know,
Are the loss of a person or an animal or.
You know,
An event Um,
And it's more specific,
But.
.
.
What happens with the grief of what we've lost,
It's so.
.
.
So easy to Just roll on past that to not attend to it.
Sometimes,
Acknowledging what we never got does happen after the loss of someone.
For example,
If you had always hoped and wanted to be loved by one of your parents in a particular way.
When they do pass away,
Then that hope is gone,
Right?
Because the person has died.
And you will never have that possibility.
Of being loved the way you wanted to.
And so that is a time when.
.
.
When the loss of what we never got can arise is when.
.
.
The person that we're wanting something from is gone.
So that does happen.
But this grief of what we never got.
Comes in So many forms.
So it's.
You know,
A big one is not being loved or nurtured or cared for in the way that you deserved.
That could come through emotional neglect.
Or physical or sexual or emotional abuse.
Or just feeling invisible in your family or in your life with your friends.
Where you're not really seen,
But you want to be seen.
But you're just not being seen.
Another one is having a body.
That can't.
Do or be what you want it to do.
If you have struggled with chronic illness,
Your body can't.
Do the hiking or the activity or the movement.
That you would still like to do.
And maybe you never had that.
Maybe as a kid,
You never could do.
Sports or you could never do things because your body It just wasn't.
Available or capable of that.
And so there can be losses around what your body could never give you.
Right,
That you could never get.
There's also this.
.
.
You know,
Situations when you never had a stable home.
So many people really long for a home.
That they can go to where they feel safe.
So you might not have had a stable home or finances or as an adult,
A job or you're always struggling.
So you've never.
Had that security.
It may have been something you've always longed for,
But just never.
Have received yet.
And then perhaps longing for a relationship that you never have.
Many people are single.
Many people never.
Um,
Seem to find like a person that they can really connect with.
And so that is a loss.
The feeling of never belonging.
Is a very deep loss and grief.
And,
You know,
There can be other ones that we might think are smaller,
Like perhaps you never had a chance to go to college.
And there's this feeling of loss that I never got to do this and I'm never going to be able to do it.
And that's a grief.
And it's something that we roll over so quickly.
We just don't attend to it.
And these griefs are different because they arise from a place.
That was never filled.
Right.
These grief,
You know,
When we grieve when we've been loved and then we lose like with a pet.
That you've loved,
That your animal has so loved you.
And you've been filled.
And then the grief is.
You know,
The loss,
The empty space because That loved one isn't there.
But the grief of what you never got arises from an empty place already.
And it's a different type,
A different flavor of grief.
And you may find that.
Other people also just sort of bypass your.
.
.
Your invisible griefs,
Like,
Oh,
You never went to college.
Well,
You've created a good job for yourself.
You know,
Like that doesn't matter.
Look at what you've done.
And yes,
They're trying to support you,
But.
.
.
What's missing is that acknowledgement of the longing for that experience.
So,
You know,
Or,
You know,
Your mom did the best she could raising you.
You know,
Don't be so hard on her.
You know,
She struggled,
So don't expect too much.
And it misses that deep.
Wish or longing.
Or wanting.
That never happened.
Whether that's never having children,
And maybe wishing that you could have.
That's.
That's there.
And it arises from that place of more emptiness.
So today on my walk,
I was listening to a podcast with the poet David White.
And he said some beautiful things.
I'll read you.
He has a poem entitled Your Prayer.
Your prayer only began with words.
Each one just a hand on the door to silence.
Each one,
Just you putting your full weight.
Against everything you thought you could never deserve.
So that struck me,
And then he went on.
Saying that One of the qualities that we don't feel we deserve often is care.
And I had a deep realization that.
Not caring for these invisible griefs of what I never got.
It's a way to manage them,
Right?
It's a way to not feel the grief so much.
But it's also dismissing them.
And then he goes on,
He talks about allowing yourself to care at the depth of which you care.
Brings that care into an intimacy with yourself and others.
Until that door,
Which would be no door at all,
Gives way to necessary grief which is the full understanding of everything you had been missing all along.
The doorway is through grief.
Facing the fact that you care in a deep way.
Means you're going to face all the times you didn't get what you needed.
All the things you miss.
And that struck me in such a profound way.
Of How not only do other people dismiss these losses,
But I have dismissed my own losses.
These invisible losses and by not.
Tending to them by not caring.
It's a way to not feel the grief right to survive to keep going to make something good out of what's really hard.
But it doesn't go back to that essential wound.
So caring enough about these tender places.
And to practice turning towards these griefs of losses,
Things that we never had.
Is tender work.
It opens up a vulnerability.
It can be challenging.
So in our practice today,
Pace yourself.
If you know me,
You know that I like to use the word titration.
Which is,
You know,
Just enough,
You know,
Less is more,
Do just a little bit.
Because grief can feel like a tsunami at some points.
And so you can step in and out of this practice.
If it feels like,
Whew,
I just need to ground back to my space.
Please do that,
And you can listen along and join us for the conversation at the end.
Or you can go back and forth in and out of feeling your body and then coming back out.
Because we all have different capacities on any day to turn toward these really tender places.
So,
Francis Weller,
I'll post a card here about a practice I have about keeping grief warm.
Which is a practice that Francis Weller,
Who's a psychologist,
Talks about.
Don't just push the griefs deep away from you.
But keep them warm.
By tending to them.
So that's what we're going to be doing today.
So let's practice together.
So come into a posture where you can be present.
And as you arrive and settle,
If you wish.
Pick something in your environment.
That.
Can be grounding for you.
So picking like a home base,
Either like an object.
Of a visual object or maybe,
You know,
Holding a stone.
That you can turn your attention to.
Um,
You know,
Holding something,
Seeing something,
A sound perhaps,
That can help you come back to anchoring and settling.
And so noticing that anchor object right now.
And perhaps feeling yourself slowing down a bit.
Tending to these inner places of grief requires.
.
.
Quiet and softness and slowing down.
And then.
.
.
Prepare a place.
To invite a grief in.
So this might be imagining you know,
A sanctuary in your heart.
Or an environment out in nature.
Or a beautiful room where you're cozy.
Where you can invite.
.
.
A loss in,
A loss that,
You know,
Something that you never had,
That you really wanted.
So make this place welcoming.
Make it safe enough.
Protected enough so that you can invite in this this grief And let yourself settle into this.
Sanctuary that you've created.
Under trees,
By a rock.
Or stream.
Or on a cozy couch.
In your heart.
And then intentionally and kindly invite in.
A grief of what you never got.
To Come into your space.
And just pick one.
So some of you may feel like a number of griefs are arising.
And that's really natural.
When you begin to open the door,
All of a sudden,
There was this and this and this.
But see if you can just pick one for right now.
And then name it.
You know,
The grief of the loss of something,
The grief of never having this thing.
Whether it was abandonment or emptiness.
Whatever it is.
Just name it.
And.
.
.
Just be curious about this grief.
Notice if it's shy.
Does it want to make eye contact?
Is it a.
.
.
You know,
What form is it coming to you as a color,
As a shape,
As a sensation in your body?
As an image of a person or.
.
.
An activity or something.
And as you sit with what you really longed for,
But never had.
Notice how this loss feels in your body.
How are you holding this loss right now?
Is there a hole somewhere,
Maybe a deep cavern in your chest?
You know,
Is there a tightness?
Is there a wait?
Is there A numbness.
And emptiness.
Color.
And with deeply kind curiosity and care.
See if you can explore the terrain of this loss.
The felt sensations.
The emotions that you feel now.
And if there's any thoughts,
Let any judgment thoughts just move on through.
We're not going to attend to those,
But they can sometimes be there.
Sometimes thoughts of what you should or would have or could have done.
But didn't.
And then notice how this grief is responding.
To your attention on it.
Is the grief responding to.
.
.
Your.
.
.
Caring.
And.
.
.
Again,
Grief is not to be fixed,
Right?
So.
.
.
We are just sitting with this.
Without judgment.
Ciao.
Keeping this grief warm.
With each other.
And you might even sense or have an image of.
.
.
When this grief.
Of what you never got first arose.
Maybe you were a child.
And felt invisible when no one saw you.
Maybe you were a teenager.
Maybe you are a young adult.
And just sense the time that you've held.
This grief of not ever getting what you longed for.
And what I'd like you to notice next is.
.
.
Is the longing,
Right?
Oftentimes when we don't get what we want,
We brush it off saying,
Ah,
That's not possible.
But what's the deeply salient piece is What is that longing?
That we still have?
What is that?
Deep wish.
That we still hold.
To be seen,
To be held,
To be cherished.
Tend to that longing,
That wanting.
And notice even where in your body this longing.
For this.
Experience or thing that you never got?
Where does that longing live?
In your body.
It could be the same.
Places the grief.
And see if you can honor.
This deep.
Longing,
Wanting,
Wishing,
Hoping energy.
This energy is a very.
.
.
Powerful expression of your life force.
And many times we are.
.
.
Made to feel ashamed of our wanting or guilty for our longing.
Amen.
If that's there.
.
.
Just notice that.
Yes,
I was ashamed of wanting that,
Or.
.
.
People said I should be over it now,
And I felt guilty about whatever.
Hold that shame and guilt and whatever emotions are still there with this longing.
To also be seen.
And then hopefully.
.
.
Held.
And metabolize.
And integrated.
And maybe eventually transformed.
It is okay to have once.
To have needs,
To have longings and wishes.
Even if they never get fulfilled.
It's part of what makes us human.
This striving for something.
And if it feels appropriate.
You can use touch.
Touch is a very powerful.
.
.
Way to connect with ourselves.
Touching the part of your body that's holding the grief or holding the longing.
Touching,
Holding,
Supporting.
That which has been so hidden for so long.
And feeling the warmth of your hand.
And there may even be words that arise inside of you.
To talk to yourself.
Things like.
I see you.
I feel the wanting.
I wish I could have gotten what I wanted.
This has been so hard.
To hold this ache.
This emptiness,
This loss.
Whatever words,
If they come.
They sometimes can be a nice balm of acknowledgement.
That you're finally turning towards and seeing that.
Which you hadn't seen before.
And then notice what's happening in your body right now.
There may be tears or emotion.
There may be.
.
.
Expansion somewhere in your body,
There may be just achiness.
And knowing that turning towards this grief of what we never got.
It's not about making that go away.
It's acknowledging what is part of the fabric of our life,
How it's been woven.
And to honor.
The fabric that's been woven out of this loss.
So holding yourself with kindness.
With deep,
Deep care.
Knowing that you're not alone.
Every single one of us listening today is.
.
.
Holding a grief of what they never got,
What they deeply wanted.
So feeling the connection we have with each other in this beautiful group.
And knowing that.
Even though we don't see each other,
That we.
.
.
We can hold each other with kindness,
Right?
That we can support each other.
And holding these.
These deep griefs.
So I'll close today with a poem.
This is a longer poem,
So.
You can settle in and.
.
.
Just listen and let the words wash over you.
How the Worst Day of My Life Became the Best by Andrea Gibson.
When I realized the storm was inevitable,
I made it my medicine.
Took two snowflakes on the tongue in the morning.
Two snowflakes on the tongue by noon.
There were no side effects,
Only sound effects.
Reverb added to my lifespan.
An echo that asked.
What part of your life's recording is skipping?
What wound is on repeat?
Have you done everything you can to break out of that groove?
By nighttime,
I was intimate with the difference between tying my laces.
And tuning the string section of my shoes.
Made a symphony of walking away from everything that did not want my life to sing.
Felt a love for myself so consistent metronomes tried to copyright my heartbeat.
Finally understood I am the conductor of my own life and will be even after I die.
I,
Like the trees,
Will decide what I become.
Porch swing.
Church pew an envelope that must be licked to be closed.
Kinky choice,
But I didn't close.
I opened and opened.
Until I could imagine that the pain was a sensation.
Of my spirit not breaking.
That my mind was a parachute that could always open in time.
That I could wear my heart on my sleeve and never grow out of that shirt.
That every falling leaf is a tiny kite.
With a string too small to see.
Held by the part of me in charge.
Of making beauty out of grief.
Thanks for your practice today.
