There is a particular kind of relationship pain that doesn't come from a lack of affection.
There is warmth.
There is closeness.
There may even be deep emotional connection.
And still,
Something essential is missing.
Not because the person doesn't say they love you,
But because you are not prioritized.
If you have ever found yourself saying,
They do love me,
I know they do,
While consistently feeling secondary,
Overlooked or optional,
Then this is for you.
My name is Martha Curtis.
I'm a psychotherapist and coach.
I work with creatives and I support individuals who are or have been in abusive or high control relationships.
Many of the people I work with don't come to therapy questioning whether love exists.
They come because love is present and yet they are left carrying too much on their own.
In this talk,
We are going to explore what happens when love appears to be present,
But prioritization is not.
We will look at what prioritization actually means psychologically,
Why its absence is so destabilizing,
Even in affectionate relationships,
And why people often stay stuck in confusion when love is used as proof that it can't really be that bad.
We'll also ask a difficult but necessary question.
If prioritization is consistently absent,
What does that say about the kind of love that's being offered?
And to be very clear,
This talk is not about blame.
It's about clarity.
And by the end of this talk,
I hope you will feel less confused about why this dynamic hurts the way it does.
You may recognize patterns you've struggled to name and you may feel steadier in your understanding that wanting to be prioritized is not excessive.
It's relationally necessary.
So what is prioritization actually?
Prioritization is not intensity,
It's not declarations,
It's not reassurance after disappointment.
Prioritization shows up in choices,
In follow-through,
In planning,
In consideration,
In how often you are factored in rather than fitted in.
It's the difference between being loved in theory and being chosen in practice.
So why does love without prioritization hurt so much?
When love is present,
Hope stays alive,
You wait,
You interpret generously,
You assume timing is the issue,
You believe things will shift once circumstances change.
Love keeps you invested in a future that isn't being structurally supported.
That's why this dynamic is so painful.
Not because there's nothing there,
But because there's just enough to keep you trying.
Here's the nuance.
Someone can feel affection,
Attachment,
Even longing and still not be able or willing to prioritize you.
Love that cannot tolerate inconvenience,
Responsibility or mutual adjustment may be real in feeling but limited in function.
And relationships don't survive on feeling alone.
They require action.
It's important to be clear about what we are not discussing here.
This is not about relationships shaped by active addiction.
Addiction introduces a different set of dynamics,
Neurological,
Behavioral and relational that require their own understanding and support.
In addiction,
Prioritization is often disrupted by compulsion rather than choice.
That's a separate conversation.
This talk is about relationships where prioritization is consistently missing,
Explained away or deferred without an external condition that fundamentally impairs capacity.
So how do people rationalize the absence?
When prioritization is missing,
People often start doing the relational labor internally.
You say things like,
Oh they're just busy.
I know they don't mean it like that.
They just show love differently.
They will step up eventually.
Over time these explanations replace your lived experience.
You stop asking whether your needs are being met and start asking whether your expectations are reasonable.
Being deprioritized isn't just emotionally painful,
It's physiologically destabilizing.
The nervous system looks for predictability,
For rhythm,
For responsiveness.
When effort is inconsistent,
The body stays alert.
You may notice anxiety,
Self-doubt,
Emotional fatigue or a constant sense of waiting.
And that is not insecurity,
It's a response to relational uncertainty.
But why can some people love but not prioritize?
Well,
Not everyone who loves is capable of prioritizing.
Some people learned relationships organized around convenience.
Some experience commitment as loss of autonomy.
Some rely on others adapting while they remain unchanged.
And some expect flexibility but don't offer it.
Love does not automatically equal capacity and that distinction matters.
In relationships without prioritization,
Many people adapt silently.
They stop asking,
They manage disappointment alone,
They lower expectations,
They become understanding.
And this adaptation keeps the relationship intact but it erodes the self.
You might want to pause here whilst I ask you a few questions to give yourself some time to reflect.
Where do I notice myself justifying being deprioritized?
What does being prioritized actually look like to me in actions,
Not words?
How does my body feel when I'm waiting rather than chosen?
What have I been tolerating in the name of love?
And you don't need to answer right now.
You can just let the answer surface slowly.
Now there's a difference between patience and self-abandonment.
Patience allows space for growth.
Self-abandonment absorbs imbalance.
When love is present but prioritization is absent,
That line can become blurred.
Noticing where you are standing on that line matters.
Prioritization communicates safety.
It says you matter,
You are considered,
You are included in decisions,
You are not optional.
Without it,
Love becomes emotionally unstable,
No matter how sincere the feeling may be.
Love without prioritization creates confusion because it offers connection without grounding.
You are not wrong for questioning that.
You are not unreasonable for needing more than affection.
And you are not asking too much by wanting to be chosen consistently.
Love matters but prioritization determines whether love can be lived.
And if this resonated with you,
Consider sharing it with someone who is struggling to reconcile warmth with absence.
Sometimes clarity begins by asking the question we've been avoiding.
Until next time,
Take care.
